Disgusted by Wife’s Obesity But Don’t Want a Divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's stressed.

And while you think you're being subtle, I'm 100% sure that your "disgust" of her is obvious to her. Which doesn't help.

You need to reduce her stress. What SHE is stressed about, not what YOU think she should be stressed about. Especially about crap like inlaws that guys can be oblivious about. Guys have a way of putting stress onto women and then blaming them for being stressed.

Stress is a part of life, and adults need to manage their own stress.

This. OP, manage your feelings about this. You are 100% in charge of how you handle this. If you choose to be “disgusted,” then clearly your marriage and family isn’t that valuable to you. Why?
And if it is valuable, then work on managing your mind and emotions so that you don’t destroy it.

I'm the poster you're responding to. I meant his wife needs to manage her stress. No one lives a stress-free life and you don't get to tell other people to remove stress from your life. Manage it.

We don’t know that she is stressed. We only know that the OP is stressed about something that is not within his control, and is a totally manageable amount of pain. His child didn’t die. He doesn’t have cancer. His wife gained weight, and he doesn’t like it. He is the only one who can manage his feelings about this. It’s unreasonabld to push it all on her and ask her to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really coincidental, almost too coincidental but I promise it's true. Literally last night I was talking to my wife about this very issue from my past. I was married to a woman for ten years (married young, in my early 20s). In my late 20s I put on 40 pounds (no kidding, precisely 40 pounds) over about 3 years. It is a MASSIVE amount of weight to gain. Thinking back, I couldn't run, I got hot and tired very easily, I felt fatigued and kind of cloudy to the point I went to see if I had a thyroid problem.

The conversation with my current wife last night came after I pulled up some old pictures from that era of my life and I saw how absolutely terrible and unhealthy and sad I looked. But what REALLY upset me is that NOBODY TOLD ME. I guess my ex-wife and my friends were trying to be nice or maybe they were just so shocked they tiptoed around it. But I just can't believe nobody ever pulled me aside and was like, "dude, you have gained SO MUCH weight and you have to make some adjustments." I honestly think if you love somebody it's your responsibility to give them a wake up call that this is NOT okay! One day I just kind of woke up and realized, holy hell am I fat. Lost 40 pounds in six months just stop shoveling food and drink into my face.

Anyway long story short I think you owe it to your wife and yourself to seriously have an intervention on this. It's the right thing to do

That’s you though. I have gained 40 lbs from my wedding day, and I can still run. Just got done running 5 miles after running around all day with the kids. I am not fatigued or cloudy. My cholesterol, blood sugar, and blood pressure are fine. Just because you felt bad at a certain weight doesn’t mean everyone feels that way.

[Anonymous]

why don't you do more family physical activities. Like family badminton day or something. Make everyone move together in a fun way.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t we seen this same thread pop up several times now?

Starting to think they are all started by the same troll.

[Anonymous]

It's tough being short. Extra weight is really noticeable and an extra snack or glass of wine may put you over your daily calorie limit. Even if you took over the shopping and cooking, it's not that hard to eat an extra 200-300 calories in a day. Do that everyday in addition to your meals and you've gained almost 2 lbs. a month. Men have a much easier time controlling weight because they can eat larger portions and still maintain their weight. Trust me, there is a big difference when you can eat an extra 1000+ calories a day. That allows you full meals and satisfying snacks.

She has to want it for herself. Something flipped and she just didn't care, or just became unmotivated. Not sure what that is. That's what you need to figure out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife?

May not be pregnancy related, but often it's kid related.

Does she have time to work out? Actual time, not "after the kids go to bed" or "she can wake up an hour earlier". Pitch in with the kids more and take over morning/evening routines so she can get a workout in.

Who cooks? Take over half of the cooking (breakfast, lunch, and dinner - not just 3 dinners a week) and make healthy food.

The wine is a coping mechanism for something. What's she stressed about?

OP here. I do more than half the cooking and she works less than me. I make the time to workout. She doesn’t and refuses.

Lazy is lazy bro. She’s addicted to food and booze. Just like an alcoholic you can’t tell a fat person not to eat. Their rational brain can’t control their addiction to food

Science is showing that much of this is genetic and hormonal. So don’t be so quick to judge.

Can you try focusing on what you DO love about her? Hopefully that was not driven largely by her dress size. Don’t let you penis dictate your future!

What about my statement suggested that any of it is not genetic? Could be 100% or 0% genetic for all we know, doesn't change the facts.

Comment was made in response to the poster who assumed his wife was lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope she divorces you and finds some man who likes a little more cushion for the pushin

only low class guys like extra

Pierce Brosnan likes extra

Oh yes and he’s the ONLY one! Name another? I’ll wait.. ..

Hugh Jackmans wife is not heavy, but definitely chunky.

[Anonymous]

Not something I would bring up during a Pandemic but maybe suggest going for walks since stuck at home? Everyone is out walking in our neighborhood. It would be a start without judging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's depressed. The not having any motivation is a pretty good indicator. She probably feels bad about herself, feels bad about how you view her, and is doing a lot of self loathing. Have you tried a different approach?

This. There is no way she doesn't know how she looks. She probably feels uncomfortable and horrible. And helpless to change it. That doesn't make for great motivation.

Nothing you do is going to change it either, OP. As others have said, it has to come from her. Also, this doesn't make her a bad person. She is more than her body. I'm not saying you have to be attracted to her at that weight but neither is she some filthy disgusting creature, as you and others on this thread seem to be saying. Just as she has control over her body, you have control over yourself. If you aren't attracted to her, then don't have sex with her. If you're so disgusted you can't even live with her, then divorce her. But don't stay and make her and yourself and everyone else miserable by secretly loathing her or not so secretly shaming her.

And when you stay married and cheat, don't blame her. You are responsible for your own choices, just as she is. Just because she got fat doesn't force you to cheat. That's something you'll decide of your own accord, that your dick is more important than your family. Lots of men make this choice so don't worry, you won't be alone. Really you might as well do her a favor and divorce. You can find yourself a hot young chick and feel virile and superior, and your wife can do whatever it is she's doing now, but without you around to belittle her. Win-win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It helps him to feel better when a bunch of never-known-pain women tell him it's his fault his wife is fat because he must be doing something to stress her out and he must stop stressing her out.

What good is it to feel better but be in the same situation? I don’t see OP asking for an emotional salve.

[Anonymous]

More family hiking trips?

[Anonymous]

Love me some big girls... Send her my way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if my DH wrote this. In my case, I’ve gained the weight from being in a very unhappy and lonely marriage and a DH who verbally berates and criticizes me. He’s an ass. So yeah, I eat for comfort at this point.

Why do you stay married to an ass? Never mind it doesn’t matter. The message is clear: if your wife (like OP and like you and like mine) has plumped up, it means the marriage is over so it’s every man for himself. At best now consider yourself room mates. Permission to cheat granted. Thanks for clearing things up.

[Anonymous]

Fat girls always have skinny and hot friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife?

Big girls need lovin too, but not from me!