Disgusted by Wife’s Obesity But Don’t Want a Divorce

[Anonymous]

I'd be honest. I love you but the extra weight worries me and us a health hazard with covid. How do you feel about it? I'd like to support you if you want to make a change, help get you to see a doctor for blood work and a nutritionist. Most likely she does not like the way she feels or looks.

Also, the focus should be on food/drink, not exercise. That's good for health and mental well being but it's not going to make a big difference in wright loss and might be frustrating to exercise a lot and see little change.

[Anonymous]

Another thing to consider: men are notoriously bad at guessing women's weight. I honestly think it correlates with how he feels about her. Op is calling his wife obese, saying she is 40 lbs overweight. I bet she's maybe 20-25 lbs over her optimal, which is not nothing, but wouldn't matter to a man who loves his wife unconditionally. I believe op is trying to justify eventually cheating on her. He's making her the bad guy where there really isn't an issue.

[Anonymous]

Getting fat after marriage is incredibly unattractive and disrespectful. Your wife obviously does not care about being romantic partner, she’s content to be your room mate. I believe your marriage is doomed, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thing to consider: men are notoriously bad at guessing women's weight. I honestly think it correlates with how he feels about her. Op is calling his wife obese, saying she is 40 lbs overweight. I bet she's maybe 20-25 lbs over her optimal, which is not nothing, but wouldn't matter to a man who loves his wife unconditionally. I believe op is trying to justify eventually cheating on her. He's making her the bad guy where there really isn't an issue.

You're like Trump - there must be voter cheating if they vote against me. But the cheated votes may well go the other way!

Say men are bad at guessing women's weight. So it may as well we 60 pounds, not 20!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thing to consider: men are notoriously bad at guessing women's weight. I honestly think it correlates with how he feels about her. Op is calling his wife obese, saying she is 40 lbs overweight. I bet she's maybe 20-25 lbs over her optimal, which is not nothing, but wouldn't matter to a man who loves his wife unconditionally. I believe op is trying to justify eventually cheating on her. He's making her the bad guy where there really isn't an issue.

You bet, you believe. Based on what, telepathy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another thing to consider: men are notoriously bad at guessing women's weight. I honestly think it correlates with how he feels about her. Op is calling his wife obese, saying she is 40 lbs overweight. I bet she's maybe 20-25 lbs over her optimal, which is not nothing, but wouldn't matter to a man who loves his wife unconditionally. I believe op is trying to justify eventually cheating on her. He's making her the bad guy where there really isn't an issue.

You bet, you believe. Based on what, telepathy?

Based on the fact that men are terrible at guessing women's weight.

[Anonymous]

OP, the best way for her to be motivated to lose the weight is to divorce her, ironic as that is. Also, it's the best cure for low libido in women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another thing to consider: men are notoriously bad at guessing women's weight. I honestly think it correlates with how he feels about her. Op is calling his wife obese, saying she is 40 lbs overweight. I bet she's maybe 20-25 lbs over her optimal, which is not nothing, but wouldn't matter to a man who loves his wife unconditionally. I believe op is trying to justify eventually cheating on her. He's making her the bad guy where there really isn't an issue.

You bet, you believe. Based on what, telepathy?

Based on the sentiment expressed in these song lyrics:

The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'
That's what I said
The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand
Or, so I've read.
My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo
I love to sink her with my pink torpedo.

--Spinal Tap

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another thing to consider: men are notoriously bad at guessing women's weight. I honestly think it correlates with how he feels about her. Op is calling his wife obese, saying she is 40 lbs overweight. I bet she's maybe 20-25 lbs over her optimal, which is not nothing, but wouldn't matter to a man who loves his wife unconditionally. I believe op is trying to justify eventually cheating on her. He's making her the bad guy where there really isn't an issue.

You bet, you believe. Based on what, telepathy?

Based on the fact that men are terrible at guessing women's weight.

If anything most men probably under guess a woman's weight. I think men typically anchor on their own weight and subtract from it. But women have become so large that this often no longer works. The median adult woman in the US now weighs more than I do as a man, and is several inches shorter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another thing to consider: men are notoriously bad at guessing women's weight. I honestly think it correlates with how he feels about her. Op is calling his wife obese, saying she is 40 lbs overweight. I bet she's maybe 20-25 lbs over her optimal, which is not nothing, but wouldn't matter to a man who loves his wife unconditionally. I believe op is trying to justify eventually cheating on her. He's making her the bad guy where there really isn't an issue.

You bet, you believe. Based on what, telepathy?

DP. I have childhood memories of my dad making a big deal about my mom being overweight. I recently looked at a picture of her in a bathing suit and she literally looks like she has a normal BMI. And this was after having ****six kids****

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another thing to consider: men are notoriously bad at guessing women's weight. I honestly think it correlates with how he feels about her. Op is calling his wife obese, saying she is 40 lbs overweight. I bet she's maybe 20-25 lbs over her optimal, which is not nothing, but wouldn't matter to a man who loves his wife unconditionally. I believe op is trying to justify eventually cheating on her. He's making her the bad guy where there really isn't an issue.

You're like Trump - there must be voter cheating if they vote against me. But the cheated votes may well go the other way!

Say men are bad at guessing women's weight. So it may as well we 60 pounds, not 20!

No, when a man loves a woman, he'll guess her weight between 99lbs (for short women) and 125lbs (for tall women). When the man has a problem with the lady, he'll guess high: 145+ for short, 200+ for tall.

To test my theory: go ask your dh to guess your weight. Report back here with:
1-What he guessed
2- your actual weight and height
3- the health of your relationship

I'll go first:
1-120
2-140/ 5'7"
3-Happily married 25 years and get along nicely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would come at this from a totally different angle - obesity is putting her at risk for lots of health issues. I would either go the indirect route and schedule a full physical for yourself, tell her any interesting results (“hey my vitamin D is low, I had no idea, maybe you should go get a physical and bloodwork also!”) or the more direct route: tell her you are scared about her health and that she might not see her kids graduate or get married or meet her grandchildren. Make sure it comes from a place of love and support, but pointing out that she is upping her chances of early death would scare me straight!

There is a very good chance that her bloodwork will come back fine, and she is not unhealthy. Sure, across a population, obesity is correlated with health risks, but that doesn’t mean it’s true for any individual person.

In fact, across a population, the much higher health risk is among people who take the weight off and gain it back again. Yo-yoing is much worse than just staying fat.

[Anonymous]

The idea of getting a sitter is a good one but don’t tie it to work out time.

I am 40 lbs overweight and knew it but it was just one more thing to figure out and work on on top of everything else. By the end of an exhausting day, it was always the thing that fell to last place. It was only when we made lifestyle changes and I was able to get some time for me that I was able to make it a priority. And it didn’t happen in a couple weeks. It took a couple months to just decompress, reduce anxiety, and let me get to a place of when I had free time I could truly focus on eating better and exercise.

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems like you don’t even like her anymore. That’s very important. I’m not putting this all on you. Maybe she doesn’t like you, either, and doesn’t give a crap what you think or want. There’s always, always two sides to the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tyring to think what would get me off my tuckus to embrace change like this, with young kids.


Make doing things "together" the issue and the "things" are walking, swimming, hiking, etc. Don't go to cardio and weight lifting yet. Offer to get the kids ready, take them along, hire a sitter, or trade outdoor activity time for mommy down time.
And talk about alcohol over use.
Can you prepare snacks and leave them around? My kids will eat an apple if I cut it up, snow peas or snap peas if I wash them and leave then in a bowl, etc.
Does she see a family doctor? Can you make an appt with teh same doctor and ask for help with this? Dr. can make the focus blood pressure, diabetes, etc.

If she still won't try then you involve a marital therapist.

Really?
I would respond to my husband having actually done the work and research on what changes your weight set point and actually works, having the name of a counselor who deals with the mental issues surrounding weight loss, and having a plan on where to find the tome and money to make it happen.

If he just came to me with one more issue, and laid it at my feet to figure out how to make it happen, I would give a sincere attempt, but it likely wouldn’t last long.

I have found that my husband has responded the same way when I have wanted something from him. Help with housekeeping, for example. I didn’t “engage him in cleaning as a family.” I had a plan for what I needed someone to do, how to find a good person, and how I was going to come up with the money to pay for it.

This, OP. How would you want her to ask you to make more money? Would you just want her to tell you how important it is to you, how she doesn’t find you as attractive, and it’s just biology? Or would you want a list of ads for higher paying jobs in your field, time to work on your resume and applications, and sincere support with childcare, housework, and sex/emotional support throughout the interview process?

Also, this stuff with encouraging family hikes is ridiculous and passive aggressive. It would be like her hiding ads for better paying jobs in your sock drawer.