Husband leaves room to talk to MIL

[Anonymous]

Insecure wife leads many a man to find another. Chill out and give your DH privacy.

Signed a DW who is so not controlling.

[Anonymous]

I have no interest in listening to DH’s conversations with his family because I trust him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

You never answered any of my questions though. What about if we have kids? What about MIL not stopping to think maybe her son doesn't want to leave his wife every other Friday. There is no consideration by mil for my feelings at all. Or maybe I respond like this because they exclude me. C'mon I can't take 100% of the blame here. If I posted as my MIL here I can guarantee the responses would not be supporting me but instead saying you can't expect your son to leave his wife out of family conversations and they are married you can't exclude his wife every other weekend she is his main family

I did answer your question. You sound like a nightmare, and make it difficult for your husband to have a relationship with his family. I suspect that you talk over him and answer for him.

They realize he's in an abusive relationship, but don't know how to deal with it.

What do you mean by I talk over him and answer for him? Please explain what you mean. Did you ever think maybe my in laws excluding me is the reason for my behavior? I don't know why all the blame automatically lies on me you aren't there so you can't act like they are 100% innocent while im 100% wrong. Growing up my parents were never left out of family functions with in laws on either side.

I already gave some specific examples of ways his family excludes me. It isn't a one off thing. It is constant. MIL has never invited just me out for a girls day or made me feel welcome like the bday thing for example. This just isn't a normal way for a MIL to make a DIL feel welcome into the family by acting like her family of origin hasn't grown and that her son doesn't have a family of his own. In marriage you leave and cleave and forsake all others. If this was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship of 2 years then yes it would be out of line to expect this but that is what makes a marriage different than that is you are now family.

Again like I mentioned before somehow I think once my husband and I have children MIL is the type of person who will suddenly want me around because I would have provided her with grandchildren. But I can guarantee one thing if she can't respect and include me now then those grandchildren won't be coming around her.

I refuse to bring my children around toxic people family or not who don't respect me and my role in my husband's life. I am more than an incubator and I'm not going to play the fool. If I'm not good enough to be included in their little family now I'm not good enough once I have children. So really mil is shooting herself in the foot. Seeing grandchildren as far as I'm concerned is a privilege not a right.

You sound nuttier and nuttier with each post. Please don't have children. Although hopefully your DH will have divorced you before then. Reread your post, you're going to keep your children away from THEIR GRANDMOTHER because she doesn't take you out for spa days, she wants one on one time with her son, and her son talks to her privately. If you really don't want your kid around toxic people, don't have them. While I don't think you share 100% of the blame, you do seem to be overreacting, overreaching, and unabl eto see things beyond black and white. Please get help.

This isn't just once in a while. If you read my post correctly you would have seen I said every other Friday she expects him to drop everything leave me at home and have dinner with her. That's pretty often to leave out his wife. This isn't alone time it's with his sister his dad its basically saying twice a month they are going to have the whole family out to dinner and recreate the family of origin while excluding me. Yes that's hurtful. I wouldn't let her grandchildren see her I said not because she doesn't take me out for spa days and whatnot but because she excluded their mother from family events and doesn't respect my role as wife. Once you marry your spouse becomes the most important person and they come first. I just don't see many grown men spending one on one time with their mother especially leaving out their wife.

Like I stated she is the type once I provide her with grandchildren she will suddenly include me more which shows she only sees me as an incubator for her grandchildren. Does your husband's mother ever call him up and say she just wants him to come for lunch or dinner and not you?

If she wants alone time with her son howcome she doesn't even want alone time with her DIL?

Because she doesn’t love you and never will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

You never answered any of my questions though. What about if we have kids? What about MIL not stopping to think maybe her son doesn't want to leave his wife every other Friday. There is no consideration by mil for my feelings at all. Or maybe I respond like this because they exclude me. C'mon I can't take 100% of the blame here. If I posted as my MIL here I can guarantee the responses would not be supporting me but instead saying you can't expect your son to leave his wife out of family conversations and they are married you can't exclude his wife every other weekend she is his main family

I did answer your question. You sound like a nightmare, and make it difficult for your husband to have a relationship with his family. I suspect that you talk over him and answer for him.

They realize he's in an abusive relationship, but don't know how to deal with it.

What do you mean by I talk over him and answer for him? Please explain what you mean. Did you ever think maybe my in laws excluding me is the reason for my behavior? I don't know why all the blame automatically lies on me you aren't there so you can't act like they are 100% innocent while im 100% wrong. Growing up my parents were never left out of family functions with in laws on either side.

I already gave some specific examples of ways his family excludes me. It isn't a one off thing. It is constant. MIL has never invited just me out for a girls day or made me feel welcome like the bday thing for example. This just isn't a normal way for a MIL to make a DIL feel welcome into the family by acting like her family of origin hasn't grown and that her son doesn't have a family of his own. In marriage you leave and cleave and forsake all others. If this was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship of 2 years then yes it would be out of line to expect this but that is what makes a marriage different than that is you are now family.

Again like I mentioned before somehow I think once my husband and I have children MIL is the type of person who will suddenly want me around because I would have provided her with grandchildren. But I can guarantee one thing if she can't respect and include me now then those grandchildren won't be coming around her.

I refuse to bring my children around toxic people family or not who don't respect me and my role in my husband's life. I am more than an incubator and I'm not going to play the fool. If I'm not good enough to be included in their little family now I'm not good enough once I have children. So really mil is shooting herself in the foot. Seeing grandchildren as far as I'm concerned is a privilege not a right.

You sound nuttier and nuttier with each post. Please don't have children. Although hopefully your DH will have divorced you before then. Reread your post, you're going to keep your children away from THEIR GRANDMOTHER because she doesn't take you out for spa days, she wants one on one time with her son, and her son talks to her privately. If you really don't want your kid around toxic people, don't have them. While I don't think you share 100% of the blame, you do seem to be overreacting, overreaching, and unabl eto see things beyond black and white. Please get help.

This isn't just once in a while. If you read my post correctly you would have seen I said every other Friday she expects him to drop everything leave me at home and have dinner with her. That's pretty often to leave out his wife. This isn't alone time it's with his sister his dad its basically saying twice a month they are going to have the whole family out to dinner and recreate the family of origin while excluding me. Yes that's hurtful. I wouldn't let her grandchildren see her I said not because she doesn't take me out for spa days and whatnot but because she excluded their mother from family events and doesn't respect my role as wife. Once you marry your spouse becomes the most important person and they come first. I just don't see many grown men spending one on one time with their mother especially leaving out their wife.

Like I stated she is the type once I provide her with grandchildren she will suddenly include me more which shows she only sees me as an incubator for her grandchildren. Does your husband's mother ever call him up and say she just wants him to come for lunch or dinner and not you?

If she wants alone time with her son howcome she doesn't even want alone time with her DIL?

NP here,

Do you have any close friends who are married?

Do they all have 1:1 time with their MIL? Spa days etc?

I'm not sure it hasn't come up in convo. But I do know my friend's in laws wouldn't leave them out of family functions. I also know they wouldn't tolerate that either. In my circle once you are married you are considered part of the family and are invited on family vacay, family get togethers and family dinners... My brother is married and my mom wouldn't dream of having a full family get together and specifically telling him his wife wasn't welcome and if she did I would tell her she was nuts and to not get upset when my brother backs out.

That's not what I asked you.

You in fact don't know the answer to the question I asked you.

Yet again you demonstrate to evaluate anything outside of your perspective of what is right.

I did in fact answer you. Your question was does your friend's MIL take them out 1 on 1 for spa days? And I said I'm not sure it hasn't come up in conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a reason that they don't want to invite you. and there is a reason that DH doesn't seem to care that you're not invited either. Time to have a good hard look at what those reasons may be. *hint, if you're anything like you are on here IRL, that's the reason *

Well it's like the old adage what came first the chicken or the egg? Did you ever stop to think I get upset because they exclude me? Not that they exclude me because I act like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

You never answered any of my questions though. What about if we have kids? What about MIL not stopping to think maybe her son doesn't want to leave his wife every other Friday. There is no consideration by mil for my feelings at all. Or maybe I respond like this because they exclude me. C'mon I can't take 100% of the blame here. If I posted as my MIL here I can guarantee the responses would not be supporting me but instead saying you can't expect your son to leave his wife out of family conversations and they are married you can't exclude his wife every other weekend she is his main family

I did answer your question. You sound like a nightmare, and make it difficult for your husband to have a relationship with his family. I suspect that you talk over him and answer for him.

They realize he's in an abusive relationship, but don't know how to deal with it.

What do you mean by I talk over him and answer for him? Please explain what you mean. Did you ever think maybe my in laws excluding me is the reason for my behavior? I don't know why all the blame automatically lies on me you aren't there so you can't act like they are 100% innocent while im 100% wrong. Growing up my parents were never left out of family functions with in laws on either side.

I already gave some specific examples of ways his family excludes me. It isn't a one off thing. It is constant. MIL has never invited just me out for a girls day or made me feel welcome like the bday thing for example. This just isn't a normal way for a MIL to make a DIL feel welcome into the family by acting like her family of origin hasn't grown and that her son doesn't have a family of his own. In marriage you leave and cleave and forsake all others. If this was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship of 2 years then yes it would be out of line to expect this but that is what makes a marriage different than that is you are now family.

Again like I mentioned before somehow I think once my husband and I have children MIL is the type of person who will suddenly want me around because I would have provided her with grandchildren. But I can guarantee one thing if she can't respect and include me now then those grandchildren won't be coming around her.

I refuse to bring my children around toxic people family or not who don't respect me and my role in my husband's life. I am more than an incubator and I'm not going to play the fool. If I'm not good enough to be included in their little family now I'm not good enough once I have children. So really mil is shooting herself in the foot. Seeing grandchildren as far as I'm concerned is a privilege not a right.

You sound nuttier and nuttier with each post. Please don't have children. Although hopefully your DH will have divorced you before then. Reread your post, you're going to keep your children away from THEIR GRANDMOTHER because she doesn't take you out for spa days, she wants one on one time with her son, and her son talks to her privately. If you really don't want your kid around toxic people, don't have them. While I don't think you share 100% of the blame, you do seem to be overreacting, overreaching, and unabl eto see things beyond black and white. Please get help.

This isn't just once in a while. If you read my post correctly you would have seen I said every other Friday she expects him to drop everything leave me at home and have dinner with her. That's pretty often to leave out his wife. This isn't alone time it's with his sister his dad its basically saying twice a month they are going to have the whole family out to dinner and recreate the family of origin while excluding me. Yes that's hurtful. I wouldn't let her grandchildren see her I said not because she doesn't take me out for spa days and whatnot but because she excluded their mother from family events and doesn't respect my role as wife. Once you marry your spouse becomes the most important person and they come first. I just don't see many grown men spending one on one time with their mother especially leaving out their wife.

Like I stated she is the type once I provide her with grandchildren she will suddenly include me more which shows she only sees me as an incubator for her grandchildren. Does your husband's mother ever call him up and say she just wants him to come for lunch or dinner and not you?

If she wants alone time with her son howcome she doesn't even want alone time with her DIL?

Because she doesn’t love you and never will.

Wow that was rude and hurtful. How do you know she will never love me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a reason that they don't want to invite you. and there is a reason that DH doesn't seem to care that you're not invited either. Time to have a good hard look at what those reasons may be. *hint, if you're anything like you are on here IRL, that's the reason *

Well it's like the old adage what came first the chicken or the egg? Did you ever stop to think I get upset because they exclude me? Not that they exclude me because I act like this?

Have you ever asked your DH why he doesn't insist you are involved in these plans? I don't know why you place all the blame on your MIL. Your husband could have your back here but he chooses not to. And please don't say that it's because she has some weird hold on him. He's a grown adult. And if he is that much of a momma's boy, don't have kids with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a reason that they don't want to invite you. and there is a reason that DH doesn't seem to care that you're not invited either. Time to have a good hard look at what those reasons may be. *hint, if you're anything like you are on here IRL, that's the reason *

Well it's like the old adage what came first the chicken or the egg? Did you ever stop to think I get upset because they exclude me? Not that they exclude me because I act like this?

That's the first twinkle of self awareness in your barrage of posts. You're making good progress OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

You never answered any of my questions though. What about if we have kids? What about MIL not stopping to think maybe her son doesn't want to leave his wife every other Friday. There is no consideration by mil for my feelings at all. Or maybe I respond like this because they exclude me. C'mon I can't take 100% of the blame here. If I posted as my MIL here I can guarantee the responses would not be supporting me but instead saying you can't expect your son to leave his wife out of family conversations and they are married you can't exclude his wife every other weekend she is his main family

I did answer your question. You sound like a nightmare, and make it difficult for your husband to have a relationship with his family. I suspect that you talk over him and answer for him.

They realize he's in an abusive relationship, but don't know how to deal with it.

What do you mean by I talk over him and answer for him? Please explain what you mean. Did you ever think maybe my in laws excluding me is the reason for my behavior? I don't know why all the blame automatically lies on me you aren't there so you can't act like they are 100% innocent while im 100% wrong. Growing up my parents were never left out of family functions with in laws on either side.

I already gave some specific examples of ways his family excludes me. It isn't a one off thing. It is constant. MIL has never invited just me out for a girls day or made me feel welcome like the bday thing for example. This just isn't a normal way for a MIL to make a DIL feel welcome into the family by acting like her family of origin hasn't grown and that her son doesn't have a family of his own. In marriage you leave and cleave and forsake all others. If this was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship of 2 years then yes it would be out of line to expect this but that is what makes a marriage different than that is you are now family.

Again like I mentioned before somehow I think once my husband and I have children MIL is the type of person who will suddenly want me around because I would have provided her with grandchildren. But I can guarantee one thing if she can't respect and include me now then those grandchildren won't be coming around her.

I refuse to bring my children around toxic people family or not who don't respect me and my role in my husband's life. I am more than an incubator and I'm not going to play the fool. If I'm not good enough to be included in their little family now I'm not good enough once I have children. So really mil is shooting herself in the foot. Seeing grandchildren as far as I'm concerned is a privilege not a right.

You sound nuttier and nuttier with each post. Please don't have children. Although hopefully your DH will have divorced you before then. Reread your post, you're going to keep your children away from THEIR GRANDMOTHER because she doesn't take you out for spa days, she wants one on one time with her son, and her son talks to her privately. If you really don't want your kid around toxic people, don't have them. While I don't think you share 100% of the blame, you do seem to be overreacting, overreaching, and unabl eto see things beyond black and white. Please get help.

This isn't just once in a while. If you read my post correctly you would have seen I said every other Friday she expects him to drop everything leave me at home and have dinner with her. That's pretty often to leave out his wife. This isn't alone time it's with his sister his dad its basically saying twice a month they are going to have the whole family out to dinner and recreate the family of origin while excluding me. Yes that's hurtful. I wouldn't let her grandchildren see her I said not because she doesn't take me out for spa days and whatnot but because she excluded their mother from family events and doesn't respect my role as wife. Once you marry your spouse becomes the most important person and they come first. I just don't see many grown men spending one on one time with their mother especially leaving out their wife.

Like I stated she is the type once I provide her with grandchildren she will suddenly include me more which shows she only sees me as an incubator for her grandchildren. Does your husband's mother ever call him up and say she just wants him to come for lunch or dinner and not you?

If she wants alone time with her son howcome she doesn't even want alone time with her DIL?

Because she doesn’t love you and never will.

Wow that was rude and hurtful. How do you know she will never love me

Lady, you're not really her family! How is this not clear to you? If you and your husband divorced, you and she would have no relationship. Look, if we're lucky, we love our in-laws (though NEVER as much as our actual flesh and blood). Hopefully, we like them well enough. If we don't like them, we keep our heads down and minimize contact. Sounds like she's doing the third. Do you actually have a relationship with her? Do you pick up the phone and chat? No? Sounds like neither side is too keen on the other. You just want to claim that you've "won" by controlling your husband's relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a reason that they don't want to invite you. and there is a reason that DH doesn't seem to care that you're not invited either. Time to have a good hard look at what those reasons may be. *hint, if you're anything like you are on here IRL, that's the reason *

Well it's like the old adage what came first the chicken or the egg? Did you ever stop to think I get upset because they exclude me? Not that they exclude me because I act like this?

Have you ever asked your DH why he doesn't insist you are involved in these plans? I don't know why you place all the blame on your MIL. Your husband could have your back here but he chooses not to. And please don't say that it's because she has some weird hold on him. He's a grown adult. And if he is that much of a momma's boy, don't have kids with him.

I think that was the first helpful piece of advice someone has given me so far on these boards. I'm surprised no one else has mentioned in 10 pages that my husband should be standing up for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

You never answered any of my questions though. What about if we have kids? What about MIL not stopping to think maybe her son doesn't want to leave his wife every other Friday. There is no consideration by mil for my feelings at all. Or maybe I respond like this because they exclude me. C'mon I can't take 100% of the blame here. If I posted as my MIL here I can guarantee the responses would not be supporting me but instead saying you can't expect your son to leave his wife out of family conversations and they are married you can't exclude his wife every other weekend she is his main family

I did answer your question. You sound like a nightmare, and make it difficult for your husband to have a relationship with his family. I suspect that you talk over him and answer for him.

They realize he's in an abusive relationship, but don't know how to deal with it.

What do you mean by I talk over him and answer for him? Please explain what you mean. Did you ever think maybe my in laws excluding me is the reason for my behavior? I don't know why all the blame automatically lies on me you aren't there so you can't act like they are 100% innocent while im 100% wrong. Growing up my parents were never left out of family functions with in laws on either side.

I already gave some specific examples of ways his family excludes me. It isn't a one off thing. It is constant. MIL has never invited just me out for a girls day or made me feel welcome like the bday thing for example. This just isn't a normal way for a MIL to make a DIL feel welcome into the family by acting like her family of origin hasn't grown and that her son doesn't have a family of his own. In marriage you leave and cleave and forsake all others. If this was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship of 2 years then yes it would be out of line to expect this but that is what makes a marriage different than that is you are now family.

Again like I mentioned before somehow I think once my husband and I have children MIL is the type of person who will suddenly want me around because I would have provided her with grandchildren. But I can guarantee one thing if she can't respect and include me now then those grandchildren won't be coming around her.

I refuse to bring my children around toxic people family or not who don't respect me and my role in my husband's life. I am more than an incubator and I'm not going to play the fool. If I'm not good enough to be included in their little family now I'm not good enough once I have children. So really mil is shooting herself in the foot. Seeing grandchildren as far as I'm concerned is a privilege not a right.

You sound nuttier and nuttier with each post. Please don't have children. Although hopefully your DH will have divorced you before then. Reread your post, you're going to keep your children away from THEIR GRANDMOTHER because she doesn't take you out for spa days, she wants one on one time with her son, and her son talks to her privately. If you really don't want your kid around toxic people, don't have them. While I don't think you share 100% of the blame, you do seem to be overreacting, overreaching, and unabl eto see things beyond black and white. Please get help.

This isn't just once in a while. If you read my post correctly you would have seen I said every other Friday she expects him to drop everything leave me at home and have dinner with her. That's pretty often to leave out his wife. This isn't alone time it's with his sister his dad its basically saying twice a month they are going to have the whole family out to dinner and recreate the family of origin while excluding me. Yes that's hurtful. I wouldn't let her grandchildren see her I said not because she doesn't take me out for spa days and whatnot but because she excluded their mother from family events and doesn't respect my role as wife. Once you marry your spouse becomes the most important person and they come first. I just don't see many grown men spending one on one time with their mother especially leaving out their wife.

Like I stated she is the type once I provide her with grandchildren she will suddenly include me more which shows she only sees me as an incubator for her grandchildren. Does your husband's mother ever call him up and say she just wants him to come for lunch or dinner and not you?

If she wants alone time with her son howcome she doesn't even want alone time with her DIL?

Because she doesn’t love you and never will.

Wow that was rude and hurtful. How do you know she will never love me

Lady, you're not really her family! How is this not clear to you? If you and your husband divorced, you and she would have no relationship. Look, if we're lucky, we love our in-laws (though NEVER as much as our actual flesh and blood). Hopefully, we like them well enough. If we don't like them, we keep our heads down and minimize contact. Sounds like she's doing the third. Do you actually have a relationship with her? Do you pick up the phone and chat? No? Sounds like neither side is too keen on the other. You just want to claim that you've "won" by controlling your husband's relationship with her.

What? That's false yes in laws are considered family. I also think it isnt true that you can never love your in laws as much as your own flesh abd blood. The fact that you put never in all caps shows you have some really strong feelings regarding your stance on that for some reason. Having the same genetic links or DNA doesn't automatically equal love or closeness and yes the same applies to in laws automatically being married to their child/sibling doesn't automatically mean you love them either but that isn't because they don't share blood with you. Thats some serious black and white thinking and a little naive to think blood = love and closeness.

My dad's mom truly loved my mom like a daughter (I say loved because my grandma passed away sadly) my grandma considered her very much her family. I have even seen couples divorce and they stay close to their in laws. Or where the MIL and FIL say you may have divorced my son or daughter but I will always consider you part of my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

You never answered any of my questions though. What about if we have kids? What about MIL not stopping to think maybe her son doesn't want to leave his wife every other Friday. There is no consideration by mil for my feelings at all. Or maybe I respond like this because they exclude me. C'mon I can't take 100% of the blame here. If I posted as my MIL here I can guarantee the responses would not be supporting me but instead saying you can't expect your son to leave his wife out of family conversations and they are married you can't exclude his wife every other weekend she is his main family

I did answer your question. You sound like a nightmare, and make it difficult for your husband to have a relationship with his family. I suspect that you talk over him and answer for him.

They realize he's in an abusive relationship, but don't know how to deal with it.

What do you mean by I talk over him and answer for him? Please explain what you mean. Did you ever think maybe my in laws excluding me is the reason for my behavior? I don't know why all the blame automatically lies on me you aren't there so you can't act like they are 100% innocent while im 100% wrong. Growing up my parents were never left out of family functions with in laws on either side.

I already gave some specific examples of ways his family excludes me. It isn't a one off thing. It is constant. MIL has never invited just me out for a girls day or made me feel welcome like the bday thing for example. This just isn't a normal way for a MIL to make a DIL feel welcome into the family by acting like her family of origin hasn't grown and that her son doesn't have a family of his own. In marriage you leave and cleave and forsake all others. If this was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship of 2 years then yes it would be out of line to expect this but that is what makes a marriage different than that is you are now family.

Again like I mentioned before somehow I think once my husband and I have children MIL is the type of person who will suddenly want me around because I would have provided her with grandchildren. But I can guarantee one thing if she can't respect and include me now then those grandchildren won't be coming around her.

I refuse to bring my children around toxic people family or not who don't respect me and my role in my husband's life. I am more than an incubator and I'm not going to play the fool. If I'm not good enough to be included in their little family now I'm not good enough once I have children. So really mil is shooting herself in the foot. Seeing grandchildren as far as I'm concerned is a privilege not a right.

You sound nuttier and nuttier with each post. Please don't have children. Although hopefully your DH will have divorced you before then. Reread your post, you're going to keep your children away from THEIR GRANDMOTHER because she doesn't take you out for spa days, she wants one on one time with her son, and her son talks to her privately. If you really don't want your kid around toxic people, don't have them. While I don't think you share 100% of the blame, you do seem to be overreacting, overreaching, and unabl eto see things beyond black and white. Please get help.

This isn't just once in a while. If you read my post correctly you would have seen I said every other Friday she expects him to drop everything leave me at home and have dinner with her. That's pretty often to leave out his wife. This isn't alone time it's with his sister his dad its basically saying twice a month they are going to have the whole family out to dinner and recreate the family of origin while excluding me. Yes that's hurtful. I wouldn't let her grandchildren see her I said not because she doesn't take me out for spa days and whatnot but because she excluded their mother from family events and doesn't respect my role as wife. Once you marry your spouse becomes the most important person and they come first. I just don't see many grown men spending one on one time with their mother especially leaving out their wife.

Like I stated she is the type once I provide her with grandchildren she will suddenly include me more which shows she only sees me as an incubator for her grandchildren. Does your husband's mother ever call him up and say she just wants him to come for lunch or dinner and not you?

If she wants alone time with her son howcome she doesn't even want alone time with her DIL?

Because she doesn’t love you and never will.

Wow that was rude and hurtful. How do you know she will never love me

Lady, you're not really her family! How is this not clear to you? If you and your husband divorced, you and she would have no relationship. Look, if we're lucky, we love our in-laws (though NEVER as much as our actual flesh and blood). Hopefully, we like them well enough. If we don't like them, we keep our heads down and minimize contact. Sounds like she's doing the third. Do you actually have a relationship with her? Do you pick up the phone and chat? No? Sounds like neither side is too keen on the other. You just want to claim that you've "won" by controlling your husband's relationship with her.

What? That's false yes in laws are considered family. I also think it isnt true that you can never love your in laws as much as your own flesh abd blood. The fact that you put never in all caps shows you have some really strong feelings regarding your stance on that for some reason. Having the same genetic links or DNA doesn't automatically equal love or closeness and yes the same applies to in laws automatically being married to their child/sibling doesn't automatically mean you love them either but that isn't because they don't share blood with you. Thats some serious black and white thinking and a little naive to think blood = love and closeness.

My dad's mom truly loved my mom like a daughter (I say loved because my grandma passed away sadly) my grandma considered her very much her family. I have even seen couples divorce and they stay close to their in laws. Or where the MIL and FIL say you may have divorced my son or daughter but I will always consider you part of my family.

Also wanted to add that maybe it would help our relationship if she did include me. Isn't my mil the one trying to control her son by insisting she has all these family dinners and not to bring me that's exerting control on him by saying not to bring his wife yes as much ad you may deny it a member of the family. Everyone seems to be glossing over the fact that my mil is excluding me and seems to think that's acceptable behavior for her to do but I'm evil for not accepting it. Its Like the expression goes you teach people how to treat you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a reason that they don't want to invite you. and there is a reason that DH doesn't seem to care that you're not invited either. Time to have a good hard look at what those reasons may be. *hint, if you're anything like you are on here IRL, that's the reason *

Well it's like the old adage what came first the chicken or the egg? Did you ever stop to think I get upset because they exclude me? Not that they exclude me because I act like this?

Have you ever asked your DH why he doesn't insist you are involved in these plans? I don't know why you place all the blame on your MIL. Your husband could have your back here but he chooses not to. And please don't say that it's because she has some weird hold on him. He's a grown adult. And if he is that much of a momma's boy, don't have kids with him.

Because remember I would be abusive and controlling if I insist on anything. I just have to sit back according to the folks on this post and allow his mom to continue to exclude me. So I have to sit back and accept my crappy treatment of my MIL. You are right maybe I should be placing more blame on my husband in this case. I have a meeting scheduled next month with a marriage counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

You never answered any of my questions though. What about if we have kids? What about MIL not stopping to think maybe her son doesn't want to leave his wife every other Friday. There is no consideration by mil for my feelings at all. Or maybe I respond like this because they exclude me. C'mon I can't take 100% of the blame here. If I posted as my MIL here I can guarantee the responses would not be supporting me but instead saying you can't expect your son to leave his wife out of family conversations and they are married you can't exclude his wife every other weekend she is his main family

I did answer your question. You sound like a nightmare, and make it difficult for your husband to have a relationship with his family. I suspect that you talk over him and answer for him.

They realize he's in an abusive relationship, but don't know how to deal with it.

What do you mean by I talk over him and answer for him? Please explain what you mean. Did you ever think maybe my in laws excluding me is the reason for my behavior? I don't know why all the blame automatically lies on me you aren't there so you can't act like they are 100% innocent while im 100% wrong. Growing up my parents were never left out of family functions with in laws on either side.

I already gave some specific examples of ways his family excludes me. It isn't a one off thing. It is constant. MIL has never invited just me out for a girls day or made me feel welcome like the bday thing for example. This just isn't a normal way for a MIL to make a DIL feel welcome into the family by acting like her family of origin hasn't grown and that her son doesn't have a family of his own. In marriage you leave and cleave and forsake all others. If this was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship of 2 years then yes it would be out of line to expect this but that is what makes a marriage different than that is you are now family.

Again like I mentioned before somehow I think once my husband and I have children MIL is the type of person who will suddenly want me around because I would have provided her with grandchildren. But I can guarantee one thing if she can't respect and include me now then those grandchildren won't be coming around her.

I refuse to bring my children around toxic people family or not who don't respect me and my role in my husband's life. I am more than an incubator and I'm not going to play the fool. If I'm not good enough to be included in their little family now I'm not good enough once I have children. So really mil is shooting herself in the foot. Seeing grandchildren as far as I'm concerned is a privilege not a right.

You sound nuttier and nuttier with each post. Please don't have children. Although hopefully your DH will have divorced you before then. Reread your post, you're going to keep your children away from THEIR GRANDMOTHER because she doesn't take you out for spa days, she wants one on one time with her son, and her son talks to her privately. If you really don't want your kid around toxic people, don't have them. While I don't think you share 100% of the blame, you do seem to be overreacting, overreaching, and unabl eto see things beyond black and white. Please get help.

This isn't just once in a while. If you read my post correctly you would have seen I said every other Friday she expects him to drop everything leave me at home and have dinner with her. That's pretty often to leave out his wife. This isn't alone time it's with his sister his dad its basically saying twice a month they are going to have the whole family out to dinner and recreate the family of origin while excluding me. Yes that's hurtful. I wouldn't let her grandchildren see her I said not because she doesn't take me out for spa days and whatnot but because she excluded their mother from family events and doesn't respect my role as wife. Once you marry your spouse becomes the most important person and they come first. I just don't see many grown men spending one on one time with their mother especially leaving out their wife.

Like I stated she is the type once I provide her with grandchildren she will suddenly include me more which shows she only sees me as an incubator for her grandchildren. Does your husband's mother ever call him up and say she just wants him to come for lunch or dinner and not you?

If she wants alone time with her son howcome she doesn't even want alone time with her DIL?

Because she doesn’t love you and never will.

Wow that was rude and hurtful. How do you know she will never love me

Lady, you're not really her family! How is this not clear to you? If you and your husband divorced, you and she would have no relationship. Look, if we're lucky, we love our in-laws (though NEVER as much as our actual flesh and blood). Hopefully, we like them well enough. If we don't like them, we keep our heads down and minimize contact. Sounds like she's doing the third. Do you actually have a relationship with her? Do you pick up the phone and chat? No? Sounds like neither side is too keen on the other. You just want to claim that you've "won" by controlling your husband's relationship with her.

What? That's false yes in laws are considered family. I also think it isnt true that you can never love your in laws as much as your own flesh abd blood. The fact that you put never in all caps shows you have some really strong feelings regarding your stance on that for some reason. Having the same genetic links or DNA doesn't automatically equal love or closeness and yes the same applies to in laws automatically being married to their child/sibling doesn't automatically mean you love them either but that isn't because they don't share blood with you. Thats some serious black and white thinking and a little naive to think blood = love and closeness.

My dad's mom truly loved my mom like a daughter (I say loved because my grandma passed away sadly) my grandma considered her very much her family. I have even seen couples divorce and they stay close to their in laws. Or where the MIL and FIL say you may have divorced my son or daughter but I will always consider you part of my family.

This is clearly not what you have here. Did you not realize that while you dated your now DH for years? Did you think getting married would magically change that? Also, your DH plays a role here. There is no way my DH would go to a family dinner every other week if I wasn’t invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a reason that they don't want to invite you. and there is a reason that DH doesn't seem to care that you're not invited either. Time to have a good hard look at what those reasons may be. *hint, if you're anything like you are on here IRL, that's the reason *

Well it's like the old adage what came first the chicken or the egg? Did you ever stop to think I get upset because they exclude me? Not that they exclude me because I act like this?

Have you ever asked your DH why he doesn't insist you are involved in these plans? I don't know why you place all the blame on your MIL. Your husband could have your back here but he chooses not to. And please don't say that it's because she has some weird hold on him. He's a grown adult. And if he is that much of a momma's boy, don't have kids with him.

I think that was the first helpful piece of advice someone has given me so far on these boards. I'm surprised no one else has mentioned in 10 pages that my husband should be standing up for me.

No it's not the first time someone has implied your DH might be part of the problem.

However it's the first time you've " heard" it because you are interpreting as pp viewing you as a victim, the same way you view yourself.