Sister in law from hell

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I am telling my whiny bro is to not think about his baby and wife. Nice.

No, he ONLY thinks about them. I would like him to also see his friends, go to the gym, get a haircut... all things he needs and that is wife is already doing. They have a full time nanny and help with cleaning so he could do all those things if he wanted.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all the posts so there may be more context but I don't understand all the attacks on OP. OP's sister-in-law may be facing all the challenges people describe but she is still behaving like a controlling spouse. I am normally irritated at the whiners who say DCUMers would have a different take if the gender roles were reversed (and they usually are whiners), but, folks, think about this. If the gender roles were reversed and the husband were extremely controlling over the activities of the wife, would you still be as convinced that OP is the one with the problem?

I don't think there is much that OP can do about this other than try to keep a connection with her brother and wait till he is ready to make some changes. But there is clearly a troubling dynamic in this marriage. OP is right to be concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are being tremendously selfish. Since you clearly don’t care about what is best for your brother or your niece, I’ll address how this will effect YOU since that is the perspective you are coming from:

Your brother and his wife have been together for years and have a child together. They aren’t going to toss their marriage aside because of some difficult ILs. Odds are great that they will end up circling the wagons and limit contact with all of you if you keep this up. Just so you know.

On the off chance you cause so much trouble that they divorce? You think you will see more of brother and niece? Maybe, maybe not. Your brother may come to resent you for your role in breaking up his family. And if he remarries then what? You will probably find a way to dislike the new wife too. And you’ll have alienated ex-SIL by behaving this way and meddling in her marriage/ which is not easily forgiven. And a bad relationship with ex SIL will lead to a bad relationship with niece, most likely.

OP, I would ignore these posters who are not even recognizing that the dynamics of your sister in law - brother relationship are abusive. Your SIL sounds awfully controlling.

She may be anxious, depressed, facing challenges - don't we all with a new baby,- but her control issues are not the norm. Be supportive of your brother. He is the one living in hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I am telling my whiny bro is to not think about his baby and wife. Nice.

No, he ONLY thinks about them. I would like him to also see his friends, go to the gym, get a haircut... all things he needs and that is wife is already doing. They have a full time nanny and help with cleaning so he could do all those things if he wanted.

Oh good grief lol. Barring some sort of disability or expectation of physical abuse (which surely doesn’t seem to be the case here) of COURSE your brother CAN do those things. I’ve heard of “mommy martyrs” but apparently there are “daddy martyrs” too. Who knew.

Reminds me of when my younger sister called me after she had her first baby- complaining “I can’t even find time to shower, I haven’t had my roots done in months!” Blah blah. While I can sympathize, My response was “uh of course you can- hand baby to DH and get in the shower. Of course you can get your hair done- make appt for when DH will be home and tell him you are going” lol. My response was not “OMG! Your DH is controlling and abusive!” Wow!

Your brother CAN do all of those things. Yes all of them. He is choosing not to for whatever reason and acting like a giant baby and whining to his sister “oh poor me!!!” Your SIL cannot prevent him from doing any of these things- and even if she is miffed at times- that’s marriage. They will work it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read all the posts so there may be more context but I don't understand all the attacks on OP. OP's sister-in-law may be facing all the challenges people describe but she is still behaving like a controlling spouse. I am normally irritated at the whiners who say DCUMers would have a different take if the gender roles were reversed (and they usually are whiners), but, folks, think about this. If the gender roles were reversed and the husband were extremely controlling over the activities of the wife, would you still be as convinced that OP is the one with the problem?

I don't think there is much that OP can do about this other than try to keep a connection with her brother and wait till he is ready to make some changes. But there is clearly a troubling dynamic in this marriage. OP is right to be concerned.

Yeah men press the brakes fast and hard on over involved in-laws. They aren’t doing in-law family chat groups and daily phone calls and visits from MIL. I bet OP’s brother isn’t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I am telling my whiny bro is to not think about his baby and wife. Nice.

No, he ONLY thinks about them. I would like him to also see his friends, go to the gym, get a haircut... all things he needs and that is wife is already doing. They have a full time nanny and help with cleaning so he could do all those things if he wanted.

Oh good grief lol. Barring some sort of disability or expectation of physical abuse (which surely doesn’t seem to be the case here) of COURSE your brother CAN do those things. I’ve heard of “mommy martyrs” but apparently there are “daddy martyrs” too. Who knew.

Reminds me of when my younger sister called me after she had her first baby- complaining “I can’t even find time to shower, I haven’t had my roots done in months!” Blah blah. While I can sympathize, My response was “uh of course you can- hand baby to DH and get in the shower. Of course you can get your hair done- make appt for when DH will be home and tell him you are going” lol. My response was not “OMG! Your DH is controlling and abusive!” Wow!

Your brother CAN do all of those things. Yes all of them. He is choosing not to for whatever reason and acting like a giant baby and whining to his sister “oh poor me!!!” Your SIL cannot prevent him from doing any of these things- and even if she is miffed at times- that’s marriage. They will work it out.

That is what I said. He CAN do those things, but chooses not to. He is only thinking of his wife and baby given their bad situation and I would like him to think also about himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I am telling my whiny bro is to not think about his baby and wife. Nice.

No, he ONLY thinks about them. I would like him to also see his friends, go to the gym, get a haircut... all things he needs and that is wife is already doing. They have a full time nanny and help with cleaning so he could do all those things if he wanted.

Oh good grief lol. Barring some sort of disability or expectation of physical abuse (which surely doesn’t seem to be the case here) of COURSE your brother CAN do those things. I’ve heard of “mommy martyrs” but apparently there are “daddy martyrs” too. Who knew.

Reminds me of when my younger sister called me after she had her first baby- complaining “I can’t even find time to shower, I haven’t had my roots done in months!” Blah blah. While I can sympathize, My response was “uh of course you can- hand baby to DH and get in the shower. Of course you can get your hair done- make appt for when DH will be home and tell him you are going” lol. My response was not “OMG! Your DH is controlling and abusive!” Wow!

Your brother CAN do all of those things. Yes all of them. He is choosing not to for whatever reason and acting like a giant baby and whining to his sister “oh poor me!!!” Your SIL cannot prevent him from doing any of these things- and even if she is miffed at times- that’s marriage. They will work it out.

Way to blame the abused victim, eh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read all the posts so there may be more context but I don't understand all the attacks on OP. OP's sister-in-law may be facing all the challenges people describe but she is still behaving like a controlling spouse. I am normally irritated at the whiners who say DCUMers would have a different take if the gender roles were reversed (and they usually are whiners), but, folks, think about this. If the gender roles were reversed and the husband were extremely controlling over the activities of the wife, would you still be as convinced that OP is the one with the problem?

I don't think there is much that OP can do about this other than try to keep a connection with her brother and wait till he is ready to make some changes. But there is clearly a troubling dynamic in this marriage. OP is right to be concerned.

Yeah men press the brakes fast and hard on over involved in-laws. They aren’t doing in-law family chat groups and daily phone calls and visits from MIL. I bet OP’s brother isn’t

I guess it’s normal for you that a family that used to share life everyday on a “stupid” whatsup chat, is now missing two people. SIL has not seen a picture or video of my kids nor has she asked about them since the summer when we were there. My brother and I started talking regularly only a month or two ago.
My DH is also in several of his family chats.
Our families are all over the world and without whatsup chats we would have no idea what is going on in each other’s lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I am telling my whiny bro is to not think about his baby and wife. Nice.

No, he ONLY thinks about them. I would like him to also see his friends, go to the gym, get a haircut... all things he needs and that is wife is already doing. They have a full time nanny and help with cleaning so he could do all those things if he wanted.

Oh good grief lol. Barring some sort of disability or expectation of physical abuse (which surely doesn’t seem to be the case here) of COURSE your brother CAN do those things. I’ve heard of “mommy martyrs” but apparently there are “daddy martyrs” too. Who knew.

Reminds me of when my younger sister called me after she had her first baby- complaining “I can’t even find time to shower, I haven’t had my roots done in months!” Blah blah. While I can sympathize, My response was “uh of course you can- hand baby to DH and get in the shower. Of course you can get your hair done- make appt for when DH will be home and tell him you are going” lol. My response was not “OMG! Your DH is controlling and abusive!” Wow!

Your brother CAN do all of those things. Yes all of them. He is choosing not to for whatever reason and acting like a giant baby and whining to his sister “oh poor me!!!” Your SIL cannot prevent him from doing any of these things- and even if she is miffed at times- that’s marriage. They will work it out.

That is what I said. He CAN do those things, but chooses not to. He is only thinking of his wife and baby given their bad situation and I would like him to think also about himself.

OMG. He’s a grown man. He can get a haircut on his own initiative.

You did need to “want” things for your brother. Save that boundary-smashing for your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I am telling my whiny bro is to not think about his baby and wife. Nice.

No, he ONLY thinks about them. I would like him to also see his friends, go to the gym, get a haircut... all things he needs and that is wife is already doing. They have a full time nanny and help with cleaning so he could do all those things if he wanted.

Oh good grief lol. Barring some sort of disability or expectation of physical abuse (which surely doesn’t seem to be the case here) of COURSE your brother CAN do those things. I’ve heard of “mommy martyrs” but apparently there are “daddy martyrs” too. Who knew.

Reminds me of when my younger sister called me after she had her first baby- complaining “I can’t even find time to shower, I haven’t had my roots done in months!” Blah blah. While I can sympathize, My response was “uh of course you can- hand baby to DH and get in the shower. Of course you can get your hair done- make appt for when DH will be home and tell him you are going” lol. My response was not “OMG! Your DH is controlling and abusive!” Wow!

Your brother CAN do all of those things. Yes all of them. He is choosing not to for whatever reason and acting like a giant baby and whining to his sister “oh poor me!!!” Your SIL cannot prevent him from doing any of these things- and even if she is miffed at times- that’s marriage. They will work it out.

Way to blame the abused victim, eh?

I see zero indication that this man is “abused”. There is a big difference between “if I go the gym my wife will be so angry that she will punch me in the face or burn the house down!” AND “my wife gets pouty when I spend time at the gym- she wants me at home helping with the baby”. The first is abusive the second is NOT. if every pouty wife is “abusive” then this woman is in good company. For example I HATE IT when my DH has an occasional cigar with his friends. I get mad at him and last time he came home reeking of it I made him sleep in the guest room! Am I “abusive” too? ha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I am telling my whiny bro is to not think about his baby and wife. Nice.

No, he ONLY thinks about them. I would like him to also see his friends, go to the gym, get a haircut... all things he needs and that is wife is already doing. They have a full time nanny and help with cleaning so he could do all those things if he wanted.

Oh good grief lol. Barring some sort of disability or expectation of physical abuse (which surely doesn’t seem to be the case here) of COURSE your brother CAN do those things. I’ve heard of “mommy martyrs” but apparently there are “daddy martyrs” too. Who knew.

Reminds me of when my younger sister called me after she had her first baby- complaining “I can’t even find time to shower, I haven’t had my roots done in months!” Blah blah. While I can sympathize, My response was “uh of course you can- hand baby to DH and get in the shower. Of course you can get your hair done- make appt for when DH will be home and tell him you are going” lol. My response was not “OMG! Your DH is controlling and abusive!” Wow!

Your brother CAN do all of those things. Yes all of them. He is choosing not to for whatever reason and acting like a giant baby and whining to his sister “oh poor me!!!” Your SIL cannot prevent him from doing any of these things- and even if she is miffed at times- that’s marriage. They will work it out.

Way to blame the abused victim, eh?

I see zero indication that this man is “abused”. There is a big difference between “if I go the gym my wife will be so angry that she will punch me in the face or burn the house down!” AND “my wife gets pouty when I spend time at the gym- she wants me at home helping with the baby”. The first is abusive the second is NOT. if every pouty wife is “abusive” then this woman is in good company. For example I HATE IT when my DH has an occasional cigar with his friends. I get mad at him and last time he came home reeking of it I made him sleep in the guest room! Am I “abusive” too? ha.

I guess cutting him off from his family and throwing a fit each time he talks to them is very normal to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are being tremendously selfish. Since you clearly don’t care about what is best for your brother or your niece, I’ll address how this will effect YOU since that is the perspective you are coming from:

Your brother and his wife have been together for years and have a child together. They aren’t going to toss their marriage aside because of some difficult ILs. Odds are great that they will end up circling the wagons and limit contact with all of you if you keep this up. Just so you know.

On the off chance you cause so much trouble that they divorce? You think you will see more of brother and niece? Maybe, maybe not. Your brother may come to resent you for your role in breaking up his family. And if he remarries then what? You will probably find a way to dislike the new wife too. And you’ll have alienated ex-SIL by behaving this way and meddling in her marriage/ which is not easily forgiven. And a bad relationship with ex SIL will lead to a bad relationship with niece, most likely.

This this this this this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All I am telling my whiny bro is to not think about his baby and wife. Nice.

No, he ONLY thinks about them. I would like him to also see his friends, go to the gym, get a haircut... all things he needs and that is wife is already doing. They have a full time nanny and help with cleaning so he could do all those things if he wanted.

Oh good grief lol. Barring some sort of disability or expectation of physical abuse (which surely doesn’t seem to be the case here) of COURSE your brother CAN do those things. I’ve heard of “mommy martyrs” but apparently there are “daddy martyrs” too. Who knew.

Reminds me of when my younger sister called me after she had her first baby- complaining “I can’t even find time to shower, I haven’t had my roots done in months!” Blah blah. While I can sympathize, My response was “uh of course you can- hand baby to DH and get in the shower. Of course you can get your hair done- make appt for when DH will be home and tell him you are going” lol. My response was not “OMG! Your DH is controlling and abusive!” Wow!

Your brother CAN do all of those things. Yes all of them. He is choosing not to for whatever reason and acting like a giant baby and whining to his sister “oh poor me!!!” Your SIL cannot prevent him from doing any of these things- and even if she is miffed at times- that’s marriage. They will work it out.

Way to blame the abused victim, eh?

I see zero indication that this man is “abused”. There is a big difference between “if I go the gym my wife will be so angry that she will punch me in the face or burn the house down!” AND “my wife gets pouty when I spend time at the gym- she wants me at home helping with the baby”. The first is abusive the second is NOT. if every pouty wife is “abusive” then this woman is in good company. For example I HATE IT when my DH has an occasional cigar with his friends. I get mad at him and last time he came home reeking of it I made him sleep in the guest room! Am I “abusive” too? ha.

Right, but if your husband wanted to be on his family chat and you cried and told him you did not sleep for 2 days because of the anxiety caused by him joining the chat.... you would be. Any decent husband would not join the chat to save you from ALL THESE PAIN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are being tremendously selfish. Since you clearly don’t care about what is best for your brother or your niece, I’ll address how this will effect YOU since that is the perspective you are coming from:

Your brother and his wife have been together for years and have a child together. They aren’t going to toss their marriage aside because of some difficult ILs. Odds are great that they will end up circling the wagons and limit contact with all of you if you keep this up. Just so you know.

On the off chance you cause so much trouble that they divorce? You think you will see more of brother and niece? Maybe, maybe not. Your brother may come to resent you for your role in breaking up his family. And if he remarries then what? You will probably find a way to dislike the new wife too. And you’ll have alienated ex-SIL by behaving this way and meddling in her marriage/ which is not easily forgiven. And a bad relationship with ex SIL will lead to a bad relationship with niece, most likely.

This this this this this

+100
It’s been written many times over, but OP does not not get it.

[Anonymous]

I hope you read my post OP and give it a few minutes thought. It appears to me that you lack listening and hearing skills. This is very common, rather than reading what people here are writing, and thinking about it, and then wondering if some of it might ring true, you are coming with a rebuttal right away in your head, hence not really absorbing any of what people wrote. You are not hearing at all what people are saying. Nothing in your replies suggests that you actually gave a single thought or a pause to anything anyone wrote or suggested.
Step 1: Face the speaker and maintain eye contact. ...
Step 2: Be attentive, but relaxed. ...
Step 3: Keep an open mind. ...
Step 4: Listen to the words and try to picture what the speaker is saying. ...
Step 5: Don't interrupt and don't impose your "solutions."
And also Put yourself in their shoes.