Sister in law from hell

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess I am not sure why I posted what I did. Maybe I wanted an outside opinion since everyone in my family is already aware of what is going and we all agree. It is very hard however to explain this all situation in writing.
It is an impossible situation because we do not want them to get divorced, but we at the same time do not want my brother to be miserable. My mom or dad have suggested to my brother to go to couple counseling and that she should see a therapist, but I don’t think they want to do that. I am not even 100% sure whether she is also unhappy with their marriage. I would love to hang out with my brother alone and talk about it all, but I am sure it will be impossible. He does not want to admit it, but while she encourages in words his relationship with me (and my parents), is practice she is manipulating him. She tells him he can get back on his family chat, but then when he tells her he wants to, she gets anxiety, cries and does not sleep for 2 nights so, of course, my brother is not back on the chat...

See... I want to think that she is having a very hard time, that maybe did not want the pregnancy (they are mid 30s, but I think she wanted to wait a little more) and she will calm down And eventually become more normal.
But then when I think about Her actions I am afraid that she is either has mental issues or she is really a malicious and manipulative person. When she says “sure, you should go back on your family chat” and then goes crazy; when she decides to do the baptism 2 weeks after we left so that we could not attend; when she makes sure I cannot see the baby unless she is there; when she is upset at me about not reaching out to her directly (as opposed to my brother) when their daughter was at the hospital even after I showed her my brother’s message asking to not contact her because she was too stressed out... all of those things together give me a different picture. I hope I am wrong and that my brother did not make the biggest mistake of his life

Your brother isn’t unhappy in his marriage and is NOT getting divorced. He is scared of you and your family members and is telling you what you want to hear.

+1

Yep.

[Anonymous]

I would hope, OP, that you posted because you sensed that you needed a new perspective on this. That all is not what you have judged her and convicted her for. Sadly, your updates paint you as narrow minded person. Do you really think your brother, who whines so much, does not white about you guys to his wife? They have a child now, she had a hard time, and the best your brother can do is complain about her to you, as opposed to being supportive? I think she wants him to commit to their family, which is HIS family now, and he wants his mommy to help with the baby so he doesn't have to lift a finger.
It all sounds Eastern European, which I know all about, being one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess I am not sure why I posted what I did. Maybe I wanted an outside opinion since everyone in my family is already aware of what is going and we all agree. It is very hard however to explain this all situation in writing.
It is an impossible situation because we do not want them to get divorced, but we at the same time do not want my brother to be miserable. My mom or dad have suggested to my brother to go to couple counseling and that she should see a therapist, but I don’t think they want to do that. I am not even 100% sure whether she is also unhappy with their marriage. I would love to hang out with my brother alone and talk about it all, but I am sure it will be impossible. He does not want to admit it, but while she encourages in words his relationship with me (and my parents), is practice she is manipulating him. She tells him he can get back on his family chat, but then when he tells her he wants to, she gets anxiety, cries and does not sleep for 2 nights so, of course, my brother is not back on the chat...

See... I want to think that she is having a very hard time, that maybe did not want the pregnancy (they are mid 30s, but I think she wanted to wait a little more) and she will calm down And eventually become more normal.
But then when I think about Her actions I am afraid that she is either has mental issues or she is really a malicious and manipulative person. When she says “sure, you should go back on your family chat” and then goes crazy; when she decides to do the baptism 2 weeks after we left so that we could not attend; when she makes sure I cannot see the baby unless she is there; when she is upset at me about not reaching out to her directly (as opposed to my brother) when their daughter was at the hospital even after I showed her my brother’s message asking to not contact her because she was too stressed out... all of those things together give me a different picture. I hope I am wrong and that my brother did not make the biggest mistake of his life

Lady you’re nuts. Please get your own relationship and get out of theirs. You have no idea what is really going on and have made up all of these narratives in your head.

[Anonymous]

She sees you are trying to break her marriage, she acts accordingly.

[Anonymous]

OP I strongly suggest that you do a search on this board and READ the threads that discuss this issue from your SILs perspective. There are tons, as this is a VERY COMMON issue.

I will not do a search as I don’t have time but some themes are “brother changed since he married his wife” “why is the DIL always to blame?” stuff like that

You will see that is is almost always an issue of a DH who does not want to make an effort with his family for some reason/ and everyone blames the wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sees you are trying to break her marriage, she acts accordingly.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am not buying what you are selling. Sure you could be right, but this is all just too much. It is like she knows you and your family are ganging up on her. If she disliked you, you probably did something in the beginning. There is a thing your brother is doing, and that is that he is gossiping his own wife to you. And she knows it and she is insecure because he badmouths her o his family. I'd be pissed too.

OP here. Everything I said it’s true. Why would I lie? Everything was fine (or I thought was fine) until the baby ended up at the hospital (in April) and she got upset at me and eventually left family chat (so did my brother). I then found out and put things together about past things. My brother eventually told me that pregnancy was horrible as well and that she did not want to be a mom, etc. We live so far away and di not see them that Christmas that I had no idea.
To me SIL was a normal person with a few issues she was working on (fear of flying, a bit of anxiety, etc.) like we all do. I have since completely changed my mind...

It is true from your and your brothers and mother's point of view. Your brother sounds immature to complain so much about his wife that recently had a baby. It sounds like she had enough of you. Rather than suggest to your brother that she has PPD you are all ganging up on her, and it sounds like your brother never put her first. And she had enough, this might be her way of trying to save the marriage, before she decides she had enough of a dh that badmouths her to his family(whom he works with!) and who know no boundaries. And rather than advice to your brother how hard motherhood is, you are fueling the fall apart of his marriage. You say this was not like this always, look past your own needs op.

+1000

Op you have choices here (1) stay out of it (2) try to tactfully tell brother how hard motherhood can be, and smooth things over with your mom- try to help a fellow woman and mom here OR (3) throw fuel on the fire

And you are choosing door number 3. Not only are you undermining your brothers marriage, this route is quite likely to backfire on you

This is not accurate. Up until he told me that he would like to get back on the family chat, but can’t because when he tried to bring it up it was a 2-shit storm, I had only told him that the first year with a baby is hard. DH and I fought a lot more than we usually do etc. I never once told him that I think she is crazy, manipulative and possessive... this is what I think now (probably had a sense of this in the past too, but only firmly believe it for the past couple of months). I would never say these things to my brother and if I did, I am sure he would defend her... he is a very good person. I don’t want them to get divorced. All I am saying to him now is that he needs to think about himself too at this point, that I will always be there for him and that I hope he gets back on the family chat (because he wants to... I had never mentioned this chat until the did a month or two ago)

Hang in there, OP. There is sadly not much you can do, except be there for your brother. I would listen and make sure he knows his family is there for him.
I udnerstand why the family chat is important. I am an immigrant myself and Whatsapp is our main way of communicating, our family is spread on three continents. I cannot imagine how we would communicate without the family chat.

[Anonymous]

Quick similar story from my European side. Cousin married. wife came to live with him and his family, as is the case in my country. My uncle was a nice guy, who was the pater familius and it was his way, his way, his house. Aunt loved him, and all was his way. Often at her own detriment. Within a month we heard that wife was mentally ill. And maybe she was, she wanted things her way... Then my cousin tells me that she will learn to listen no matter how he treats her, he is the MAN! LOL. I tried to tell him, hey, how would you feel is someone treated me like that? That was different, he adores me, I am his big sis like cousin. They are still married, have 3 kids, one is 18. Guess what? She did go and make life hell for all of them. She is now certifiably crazy, maybe she always was. Or maybe she said, they treat me like I am crazy, so let me show them crazy.

[Anonymous]

I think your SIL sounds nuts, and all these crazy DCUM posters are right there with her.

[Anonymous]

All I am telling my whiny bro is to not think about his baby and wife. Nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am not buying what you are selling. Sure you could be right, but this is all just too much. It is like she knows you and your family are ganging up on her. If she disliked you, you probably did something in the beginning. There is a thing your brother is doing, and that is that he is gossiping his own wife to you. And she knows it and she is insecure because he badmouths her o his family. I'd be pissed too.

OP here. Everything I said it’s true. Why would I lie? Everything was fine (or I thought was fine) until the baby ended up at the hospital (in April) and she got upset at me and eventually left family chat (so did my brother). I then found out and put things together about past things. My brother eventually told me that pregnancy was horrible as well and that she did not want to be a mom, etc. We live so far away and di not see them that Christmas that I had no idea.
To me SIL was a normal person with a few issues she was working on (fear of flying, a bit of anxiety, etc.) like we all do. I have since completely changed my mind...

It is true from your and your brothers and mother's point of view. Your brother sounds immature to complain so much about his wife that recently had a baby. It sounds like she had enough of you. Rather than suggest to your brother that she has PPD you are all ganging up on her, and it sounds like your brother never put her first. And she had enough, this might be her way of trying to save the marriage, before she decides she had enough of a dh that badmouths her to his family(whom he works with!) and who know no boundaries. And rather than advice to your brother how hard motherhood is, you are fueling the fall apart of his marriage. You say this was not like this always, look past your own needs op.

+1000

Op you have choices here (1) stay out of it (2) try to tactfully tell brother how hard motherhood can be, and smooth things over with your mom- try to help a fellow woman and mom here OR (3) throw fuel on the fire

And you are choosing door number 3. Not only are you undermining your brothers marriage, this route is quite likely to backfire on you

This is not accurate. Up until he told me that he would like to get back on the family chat, but can’t because when he tried to bring it up it was a 2-shit storm, I had only told him that the first year with a baby is hard. DH and I fought a lot more than we usually do etc. I never once told him that I think she is crazy, manipulative and possessive... this is what I think now (probably had a sense of this in the past too, but only firmly believe it for the past couple of months). I would never say these things to my brother and if I did, I am sure he would defend her... he is a very good person. I don’t want them to get divorced. All I am saying to him now is that he needs to think about himself too at this point, that I will always be there for him and that I hope he gets back on the family chat (because he wants to... I had never mentioned this chat until the did a month or two ago)

Enough with the stupid family chat. You talk to him on a regular basis, enough for him to keep bitching about his marriage. He sees and talks to his father daily, he sees his mother regularly. Clearly no one is restricting this man from his family of origin. He and you all do not seem to understand his life has to move into a different phase now, he has to establish his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your SIL sounds nuts, and all these crazy DCUM posters are right there with her.

Yes, shameful how they tore the OP to shreds for trying to help her abused brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am not buying what you are selling. Sure you could be right, but this is all just too much. It is like she knows you and your family are ganging up on her. If she disliked you, you probably did something in the beginning. There is a thing your brother is doing, and that is that he is gossiping his own wife to you. And she knows it and she is insecure because he badmouths her o his family. I'd be pissed too.

OP here. Everything I said it’s true. Why would I lie? Everything was fine (or I thought was fine) until the baby ended up at the hospital (in April) and she got upset at me and eventually left family chat (so did my brother). I then found out and put things together about past things. My brother eventually told me that pregnancy was horrible as well and that she did not want to be a mom, etc. We live so far away and di not see them that Christmas that I had no idea.
To me SIL was a normal person with a few issues she was working on (fear of flying, a bit of anxiety, etc.) like we all do. I have since completely changed my mind...

It is true from your and your brothers and mother's point of view. Your brother sounds immature to complain so much about his wife that recently had a baby. It sounds like she had enough of you. Rather than suggest to your brother that she has PPD you are all ganging up on her, and it sounds like your brother never put her first. And she had enough, this might be her way of trying to save the marriage, before she decides she had enough of a dh that badmouths her to his family(whom he works with!) and who know no boundaries. And rather than advice to your brother how hard motherhood is, you are fueling the fall apart of his marriage. You say this was not like this always, look past your own needs op.

+1000

Op you have choices here (1) stay out of it (2) try to tactfully tell brother how hard motherhood can be, and smooth things over with your mom- try to help a fellow woman and mom here OR (3) throw fuel on the fire

And you are choosing door number 3. Not only are you undermining your brothers marriage, this route is quite likely to backfire on you

This is not accurate. Up until he told me that he would like to get back on the family chat, but can’t because when he tried to bring it up it was a 2-shit storm, I had only told him that the first year with a baby is hard. DH and I fought a lot more than we usually do etc. I never once told him that I think she is crazy, manipulative and possessive... this is what I think now (probably had a sense of this in the past too, but only firmly believe it for the past couple of months). I would never say these things to my brother and if I did, I am sure he would defend her... he is a very good person. I don’t want them to get divorced. All I am saying to him now is that he needs to think about himself too at this point, that I will always be there for him and that I hope he gets back on the family chat (because he wants to... I had never mentioned this chat until the did a month or two ago)

Enough with the stupid family chat. You talk to him on a regular basis, enough for him to keep bitching about his marriage. He sees and talks to his father daily, he sees his mother regularly. Clearly no one is restricting this man from his family of origin. He and you all do not seem to understand his life has to move into a different phase now, he has to establish his family.

You sure seem to take this to heart and personally. Abused people can see families regularly and not be able to say much about their situation.
Stopping someone from communicating with their family and emotionally blackmailing them when they try to?
That's a Being a B*&^% 101.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quick similar story from my European side. Cousin married. wife came to live with him and his family, as is the case in my country. My uncle was a nice guy, who was the pater familius and it was his way, his way, his house. Aunt loved him, and all was his way. Often at her own detriment. Within a month we heard that wife was mentally ill. And maybe she was, she wanted things her way... Then my cousin tells me that she will learn to listen no matter how he treats her, he is the MAN! LOL. I tried to tell him, hey, how would you feel is someone treated me like that? That was different, he adores me, I am his big sis like cousin. They are still married, have 3 kids, one is 18. Guess what? She did go and make life hell for all of them. She is now certifiably crazy, maybe she always was. Or maybe she said, they treat me like I am crazy, so let me show them crazy.

Sorry about your cousin’s family, but how is this similar to my own situation? My brother does not live with my parents; they are in the same city (3-4 million people live there). Our country is more machista than the typical American family, but that is not the case in our family. Women are mostly in charge. My mom was a big executive and worked longer hours than my dad. My dad was at home with us more, cooked and cleaned. My brother works a little more than SIL, but cooks, pays bills, does laundry, etc. The men in our family are amazing, caring and thoughtful (my husband is not very thoughtful, but my brother really is). When my brother told me not to contact his wife and to not write on our family chat (they used to be part of it at the time) when their daughter was at the hospital, it was because he was worried about his wife. She was stressed out and probably said that she wanted to focus on her baby... so my brother wrote to my parents and I to not contact SIL... he is super super concerned... he is more of a doormat than a pater familia

[Anonymous]

OP you are being tremendously selfish. Since you clearly don’t care about what is best for your brother or your niece, I’ll address how this will effect YOU since that is the perspective you are coming from:

Your brother and his wife have been together for years and have a child together. They aren’t going to toss their marriage aside because of some difficult ILs. Odds are great that they will end up circling the wagons and limit contact with all of you if you keep this up. Just so you know.

On the off chance you cause so much trouble that they divorce? You think you will see more of brother and niece? Maybe, maybe not. Your brother may come to resent you for your role in breaking up his family. And if he remarries then what? You will probably find a way to dislike the new wife too. And you’ll have alienated ex-SIL by behaving this way and meddling in her marriage/ which is not easily forgiven. And a bad relationship with ex SIL will lead to a bad relationship with niece, most likely.