Issue with blended family

[Anonymous]

Here’s what I don’t get about these second marriages with young kids:

Why do they feel the need to get remarried and blend their families into one? Like, why couldn’t you just be with your new DH but not marry him, and enjoy your time together when neither of you have your kids? Then when you have parenting time with your respective kids, you just focus on them separately. Like why even bring all this complexity into your life and their lives? Don’t blend the families. Just keep your DH Time separate from your parenting times.

This will help when your 2nd marriage inevitably ends. The divorce rate for 2nd marriages with minor children is over 70%.

[Anonymous]

I sorta agree. Depends on circumstances tho. For example for a while I was dating a guy who had a tenth grader and a 12th grader. His ex wife moved her boyfriend in to her house. I was just like - why?? Why not just wait 2.5 years until the kids go to college? That way the kids don't have to deal with living with step parents and another adjustment.

I actually would consider marrying someone - because I would want that commitment - and waiting to fully move in together till the kids left high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was not a long time family friend. Any play dates our kids had were part of much larger groups, so it isn't like they used to know me as a neighbor who is now their mom. At most, they remember me as someone their dad works with.

I have been to therapy related to my own divorce and I know it's best not to share adult information with kids. The kids have no business knowing about the sex lives of their parents. There are two sides to every story, and I'm honestly just trying to protect my kids from having their step brother from spew whatever version of the truth his mother has planted in his head. This isn't about me.
This is about protecting three young children from being exposed to misleading, inappropriate, and one-sided information that they are way too young to understand and process.

Take your feelings for me out of this scenario and please focus on how I can prevent the dysfunction that the step kids are dealing with from spreading to my kids. Mine are adjusting well and have accepted the divorce.

If you didn’t want the step kids telling your kids the truth about your behavior then YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE MARRIED THEIR FATHER! Jesus lady you’re talking like this is some random event that you had nothing to do with. You are experiencing the logical consequences of your own actions, nothing else!

You really need to drop this crazy “blended family” fantasy and alternate custody weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel really sorry for your husband's kids. They've been through so much, can't even get some good quality time with their dad and get zero empathy from their new stepmom. Don't put the whole family in therapy - you and your DH absolutely need to be in therapy to work this out. You clearly have plenty of time for it since you don't have any kids 1/2 the time.

Somehow I don’t think OP meant therapy for her new husband and herself when she talked about prioritizing and focusing on their marriage. She just wants to do group therapy with the kids because she thinks the therapist will yell at the stepkid (or tell her husband to yell at him) for telling OP’s kids about how she was having sex with his dad while he was still married to his mom.

Notice how she referred to the things the kid wants to say as “inappropriate and misleading” rather than simply “wrong” or “untrue”. She thinks she can stop her stepson telling her child the truth about her.

[Anonymous]

OP seems to have disappeared. Could it be that she has a modicum of shame?

A few things in case she reads again:

1) My 5 year old doesn’t do sleepovers, and I can’t really understand why you’d want your 4 or 7 year olds to do sleepover at that age, especially when you only have them two weeks a month!

2) is it true that you’re actually living in your DH’s house from his previous marriage? I didn’t get that from your posts, but when i PP suggested it, wow, that makes the situation way worse if so.

3) I doubt that you are sincerely interested in making things better for your kids, since changing the custody schedule is the obvious first step but you are unwilling to give up having two weeks of honeymoon time a month, no matter how much it destroys your kids.

4) That said, again, adjusting your expectations is key. You will NOT fit in socially with anyone who knew your DH’s old family. No one. That is not his ex’s fault; it’s yours for screwing her husband. But there are lots of fish in the sea. God is in meeting new people in the community who don’t know your history. It’s possible. But let go of blaming the ex. It’s her business to share why her family was destroyed if she chooses to.

5) adjust your expectations of how much you will be accepted into your DH’s family. Don’t expect much. 27 years later after their marriage, my mom’s family still thinks of my cousin’s 2nd wife as the home wrecker. The sad thing is, he is actually WAYbhappier and healthier now than he ever was in his first marriage. But their choice to selfishly savage his ex through infidelity rather than divorce first and take a longer time before marrying really hurt the kids we all love and nearly three decades of their marriage hasn’t erased that reality’s and never will. But at this point we all are friendly to her. Don’t expect anyone to forgive or forget. But if you don’t further hurt his kids by being unreasonable or as selfish as you currently are, maybe some day they’ll be friendly to you and accept you in the family. The difference I see though is that my cousin’s wife was incredibly lovingly to the children and never caused an issue or tried to override what wasn’t best for the kids after the marriage. SHE knew she hasn’t hurt them and studiously avoided causing further problems for them or the ex. You are doing the exact opposite. SINCe you are creating new wounds, you can’t expect them to heal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP seems to have disappeared. Could it be that she has a modicum of shame?

A few things in case she reads again:

1) My 5 year old doesn’t do sleepovers, and I can’t really understand why you’d want your 4 or 7 year olds to do sleepover at that age, especially when you only have them two weeks a month!

2) is it true that you’re actually living in your DH’s house from his previous marriage? I didn’t get that from your posts, but when i PP suggested it, wow, that makes the situation way worse if so.

3) I doubt that you are sincerely interested in making things better for your kids, since changing the custody schedule is the obvious first step but you are unwilling to give up having two weeks of honeymoon time a month, no matter how much it destroys your kids.

4) That said, again, adjusting your expectations is key. You will NOT fit in socially with anyone who knew your DH’s old family. No one. That is not his ex’s fault; it’s yours for screwing her husband. But there are lots of fish in the sea. God is in meeting new people in the community who don’t know your history. It’s possible. But let go of blaming the ex. It’s her business to share why her family was destroyed if she chooses to.

5) adjust your expectations of how much you will be accepted into your DH’s family. Don’t expect much. 27 years later after their marriage, my mom’s family still thinks of my cousin’s 2nd wife as the home wrecker. The sad thing is, he is actually WAYbhappier and healthier now than he ever was in his first marriage. But their choice to selfishly savage his ex through infidelity rather than divorce first and take a longer time before marrying really hurt the kids we all love and nearly three decades of their marriage hasn’t erased that reality’s and never will. But at this point we all are friendly to her. Don’t expect anyone to forgive or forget. But if you don’t further hurt his kids by being unreasonable or as selfish as you currently are, maybe some day they’ll be friendly to you and accept you in the family. The difference I see though is that my cousin’s wife was incredibly lovingly to the children and never caused an issue or tried to override what wasn’t best for the kids after the marriage. SHE knew she hasn’t hurt them and studiously avoided causing further problems for them or the ex. You are doing the exact opposite. SINCe you are creating new wounds, you can’t expect them to heal.

Sorry for all my typos..typing on phone. Meant to type “she knew she *had* hurt them

[Anonymous]

It's easy to demonize me, I get it. statistically, half of you are cheaters. Half. I'm not proud of how my relationship with my husband started, but I didn't set out to destroy his wife and children. Yes, I'm ashamed I slept with a married man. We worked together for 15 years before we became more than just coworkers. He was in a sexless marriage for years, living like roommates. His wife was on medication for depression since having kids. My own marriage was nonexistent, my ex worked 60 hour weeks and when he was home was disengaged. Both marriages were dead long before we started leaning on each other for support. The affair was a mistake. If I could do it over, we would have ended our marriages first.

I don't live in the home my husband lived in with his ex. She kept the house.

I genuinely like my step kids. They are good kids. I don't have experience with tweens, I know I'm in over my head. I get that his son is angry, but I don't think that is an excuse to blackmail his stepmother with threats to tell my kids that I'm a homewrecking whore. Come on, none of you would want your young kids hearing that phrase or your tween spewing that phrase.

Yes, I'm going to push for an adjustment in the custody schedule. DH's ex only communicates with him through a coparenting app and wont acknowledge the topic of custody. I'm confident I can get my ex to switch weekends at least, so then there is less overlap and each set of kids gets time with their biological parents without the other kids around.

for the few of you who have been decent in your responses, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's easy to demonize me, I get it. statistically, half of you are cheaters. Half. I'm not proud of how my relationship with my husband started, but I didn't set out to destroy his wife and children. Yes, I'm ashamed I slept with a married man. We worked together for 15 years before we became more than just coworkers. He was in a sexless marriage for years, living like roommates. His wife was on medication for depression since having kids. My own marriage was nonexistent, my ex worked 60 hour weeks and when he was home was disengaged. Both marriages were dead long before we started leaning on each other for support. The affair was a mistake. If I could do it over, we would have ended our marriages first.

I don't live in the home my husband lived in with his ex. She kept the house.

I genuinely like my step kids. They are good kids. I don't have experience with tweens, I know I'm in over my head. I get that his son is angry, but I don't think that is an excuse to blackmail his stepmother with threats to tell my kids that I'm a homewrecking whore. Come on, none of you would want your young kids hearing that phrase or your tween spewing that phrase.

Yes, I'm going to push for an adjustment in the custody schedule. DH's ex only communicates with him through a coparenting app and wont acknowledge the topic of custody. I'm confident I can get my ex to switch weekends at least, so then there is less overlap and each set of kids gets time with their biological parents without the other kids around.

for the few of you who have been decent in your responses, thank you.

You are the one who chose to cheat, and the secret is too much of a burden for the children to carry. Really, is it so surprising that you are getting the cold shoulder from your in-laws and everyone in town? You seem very self-focused and do not want to acknowledge that you chose to break the rules.

Try meeting their age-appropriate developmental and social needs and they may hate you less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's easy to demonize me, I get it. statistically, half of you are cheaters. Half. I'm not proud of how my relationship with my husband started, but I didn't set out to destroy his wife and children. Yes, I'm ashamed I slept with a married man. We worked together for 15 years before we became more than just coworkers. He was in a sexless marriage for years, living like roommates. His wife was on medication for depression since having kids. My own marriage was nonexistent, my ex worked 60 hour weeks and when he was home was disengaged. Both marriages were dead long before we started leaning on each other for support. The affair was a mistake. If I could do it over, we would have ended our marriages first.

I don't live in the home my husband lived in with his ex. She kept the house.

I genuinely like my step kids. They are good kids. I don't have experience with tweens, I know I'm in over my head. I get that his son is angry, but I don't think that is an excuse to blackmail his stepmother with threats to tell my kids that I'm a homewrecking whore. Come on, none of you would want your young kids hearing that phrase or your tween spewing that phrase.

Yes, I'm going to push for an adjustment in the custody schedule. DH's ex only communicates with him through a coparenting app and wont acknowledge the topic of custody. I'm confident I can get my ex to switch weekends at least, so then there is less overlap and each set of kids gets time with their biological parents without the other kids around.

for the few of you who have been decent in your responses, thank you.

Your statistics are whack. 50% of us are NOT cheaters. And once again you are demonizing the tween so stop with the angel act—not working. Get thee to a therapist for families STAT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's easy to demonize me, I get it. statistically, half of you are cheaters. Half. I'm not proud of how my relationship with my husband started, but I didn't set out to destroy his wife and children. Yes, I'm ashamed I slept with a married man. We worked together for 15 years before we became more than just coworkers. He was in a sexless marriage for years, living like roommates. His wife was on medication for depression since having kids. My own marriage was nonexistent, my ex worked 60 hour weeks and when he was home was disengaged. Both marriages were dead long before we started leaning on each other for support. The affair was a mistake. If I could do it over, we would have ended our marriages first.

I don't live in the home my husband lived in with his ex. She kept the house.

I genuinely like my step kids. They are good kids. I don't have experience with tweens, I know I'm in over my head. I get that his son is angry, but I don't think that is an excuse to blackmail his stepmother with threats to tell my kids that I'm a homewrecking whore. Come on, none of you would want your young kids hearing that phrase or your tween spewing that phrase.

Yes, I'm going to push for an adjustment in the custody schedule. DH's ex only communicates with him through a coparenting app and wont acknowledge the topic of custody. I'm confident I can get my ex to switch weekends at least, so then there is less overlap and each set of kids gets time with their biological parents without the other kids around.

for the few of you who have been decent in your responses, thank you.

Keeping the kids on different custody schedules is a good start. No one is going to have much sympathy for you. You have acted selfishly putting you and your AP above your marriage vows and more importantly the kids. Putting aside the affair, you should not have gotten married and tried to blend your families so fast.

[Anonymous]

I caught my mother cheating with the father of a close friend. The secret was a great burden to me, because I knew how unhappy his children would be when they found out, and that the whole thing would be a mess of conflict and unhappiness. I lived with that hanging over my head for a year and basically couldn't maintain the friendship at all. Finally he figured it out on his own and it was a great relief.

Shame on you, OP, for burdening this child with your secret. If he is threatening to tell, it is probably because he doesn't want to live with it hanging over his head any longer. Tell your children in your own way and relieve everyone of the bad situation you created.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's easy to demonize me, I get it. statistically, half of you are cheaters. Half. I'm not proud of how my relationship with my husband started, but I didn't set out to destroy his wife and children. Yes, I'm ashamed I slept with a married man. We worked together for 15 years before we became more than just coworkers. He was in a sexless marriage for years, living like roommates. His wife was on medication for depression since having kids. My own marriage was nonexistent, my ex worked 60 hour weeks and when he was home was disengaged. Both marriages were dead long before we started leaning on each other for support. The affair was a mistake. If I could do it over, we would have ended our marriages first.

I don't live in the home my husband lived in with his ex. She kept the house.

I genuinely like my step kids. They are good kids. I don't have experience with tweens, I know I'm in over my head. I get that his son is angry, but I don't think that is an excuse to blackmail his stepmother with threats to tell my kids that I'm a homewrecking whore. Come on, none of you would want your young kids hearing that phrase or your tween spewing that phrase.

Yes, I'm going to push for an adjustment in the custody schedule. DH's ex only communicates with him through a coparenting app and wont acknowledge the topic of custody. I'm confident I can get my ex to switch weekends at least, so then there is less overlap and each set of kids gets time with their biological parents without the other kids around.

for the few of you who have been decent in your responses, thank you.

Keeping the kids on different custody schedules is a good start. No one is going to have much sympathy for you. You have acted selfishly putting you and your AP above your marriage vows and more importantly the kids. Putting aside the affair, you should not have gotten married and tried to blend your families so fast.

+1. You claim to acknowledge that how your relationship started was a mistake, but you just keep compounding it with other selfish acts - getting married and moving in together quickly, being annoyed your step kids wouldn’t leave their friends and schools behind right after their father blew up their family, forcing them to be with other kids and getting no alone time with their dad so you can have every other week alone for kid free sex, etc. I’m glad you’re going to adjust your custody, but the reason your not getting what you call “decent” responses is because you continue to not act decently. With each post here, you blame everyone but yourself and your DH, and don’t acknowledge how selfish you continue to be.

For your kids sake, and the sake of your DHks kids, I hope you both grow up and start putting them first.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Ignore the nasties on here. They think that because your relationship began under less-than-ideal circumstances, you should do penance and be miserable for the rest of your life. Ignore them. You're entitled to happiness and love...and that means you shouldn't have to be terrorized by your husband's son in your own home.

This is a disciplinary issue. Your husband needs to make clear that that type of language absolutely will not be tolerated in your home. Eventually your kids will find out about the affair; you can't shield them from that. But you absolutely can demand that DH's child not use profane and disrespectful language about you in your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Ignore the nasties on here. They think that because your relationship began under less-than-ideal circumstances, you should do penance and be miserable for the rest of your life. Ignore them. You're entitled to happiness and love...and that means you shouldn't have to be terrorized by your husband's son in your own home.

This is a disciplinary issue. Your husband needs to make clear that that type of language absolutely will not be tolerated in your home. Eventually your kids will find out about the affair; you can't shield them from that. But you absolutely can demand that DH's child not use profane and disrespectful language about you in your home.

No, we think the OP is pathetic for taking forever to admit it was an affair, and for her clueless and selfish behavior afterwards. She is reaping the disrespect and lack of consideration that she sowed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Ignore the nasties on here. They think that because your relationship began under less-than-ideal circumstances, you should do penance and be miserable for the rest of your life. Ignore them. You're entitled to happiness and love...and that means you shouldn't have to be terrorized by your husband's son in your own home.

This is a disciplinary issue. Your husband needs to make clear that that type of language absolutely will not be tolerated in your home. Eventually your kids will find out about the affair; you can't shield them from that. But you absolutely can demand that DH's child not use profane and disrespectful language about you in your home.

No, we think the OP is pathetic for taking forever to admit it was an affair, and for her clueless and selfish behavior afterwards. She is reaping the disrespect and lack of consideration that she sowed.

OP doesn’t owe anyone on here an explanation of the circumstances of her current relationship.

You’re just angry that she isn’t sufficiently ashamed.