First X-Mas as blended family off to terrible start

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^They are if you are 65 or 70...
Obviously, the daughter is upset about these developments - stepmom closer to her in age than to her father, a new sibling that's younger than her own kids, and, most of all, a granddad who won't have any time for grandparenting because he is exhausted from dealing with a new baby and two other very young stepkids at that stage of life (even for a younger parent, 3 young kids is exhausting). OP - you need to be the bigger person and make an effort to build this relationship.
Obviously, norovirus did not make this any better...

Nope. Middle aged mothers are not trophy wives.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing to indicate that SD is unhappy with OP because her father is too occupied with babysitting her kids. He also has other grandkids and OP never mentioned if they lived locally. SD just sounds like an unhappy person and is taking her frustrations on OP. Another PP mentioned too that the main reason could be that OP's status as wife means lesser inheritance for SD and her kids. The stepsons aren't so concerned about this because men generally don't count on inheritance and are expected to provide, plus they couldn't care less about dad remarrying a younger woman. It's just too bad that OP's husband didn't have all sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing to indicate that SD is unhappy with OP because her father is too occupied with babysitting her kids. He also has other grandkids and OP never mentioned if they lived locally. SD just sounds like an unhappy person and is taking her frustrations on OP. Another PP mentioned too that the main reason could be that OP's status as wife means lesser inheritance for SD and her kids. The stepsons aren't so concerned about this because men generally don't count on inheritance and are expected to provide, plus they couldn't care less about dad remarrying a younger woman. It's just too bad that OP's husband didn't have all sons.

They may not hate the new wife or the new step siblings/half sibling. But their financial interests are at best diluted and any benefits of having a larger "family" are not going to make up for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing to indicate that SD is unhappy with OP because her father is too occupied with babysitting her kids. He also has other grandkids and OP never mentioned if they lived locally. SD just sounds like an unhappy person and is taking her frustrations on OP. Another PP mentioned too that the main reason could be that OP's status as wife means lesser inheritance for SD and her kids. The stepsons aren't so concerned about this because men generally don't count on inheritance and are expected to provide, plus they couldn't care less about dad remarrying a younger woman. It's just too bad that OP's husband didn't have all sons.

They may not hate the new wife or the new step siblings/half sibling. But their financial interests are at best diluted and any benefits of having a larger "family" are not going to make up for that.

Unless the new wife is very wealthy. But it's probably more about how visits to Grandpa are now much more stressful and crowded and he has very little time for his grandchildren if he wants to be an adequate parent to the OP's kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say grandpa/new dad was 30 when he had daughter age 29. Based on this estimate, Grandpa is 69 and second wife is 43.

Let’s say dad/gpa was 18 when he had dd 29, making him now 48 and new wife 43. I know it is hard for DCUM to fathom, but 18yr olds have children all the time.

not true for most families--only in some cultures and SES groups

You are a racist jerk

Racist?! No. That's why SES groups/cultures were mentioned. I doubt that most men living in the DC area had a baby at age 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say grandpa/new dad was 30 when he had daughter age 29. Based on this estimate, Grandpa is 69 and second wife is 43.

Let’s say dad/gpa was 18 when he had dd 29, making him now 48 and new wife 43. I know it is hard for DCUM to fathom, but 18yr olds have children all the time.

not true for most families--only in some cultures and SES groups

You are a racist jerk

Racist?! No. That's why SES groups/cultures were mentioned. I doubt that most men living in the DC area had a baby at age 18.

Op’s DH might have been a 22 or 23 recent college grad groom and dad , which would still make him only early 50s and unlikely to regard a 43 year old woman as a trophy wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the olden days, women died all the time in childbirth. Lots of step moms, lots of remarried dads. And lots of old fathers. No such thing as birth control. It's perfectly normal for older, remarried people to have babies. I just don't see what the big deal is. I personally wouldn't want to (almost 50; no thanks) but to each their own, if they can afford it and do the work.

The big deal is that he's choosing that over grandparent time. He has the right to do it, but is it really a big surprise that others are not happy? We can't have everything in life. Choosing to have more children sends a message that he isn't interested in spending time with the children and grandchildren that he already has.

It is not a surprise that the others are emotionally having difficulty with the situation. There is a difference between being unhappy and behaving like an entitled @ss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the olden days, women died all the time in childbirth. Lots of step moms, lots of remarried dads. And lots of old fathers. No such thing as birth control. It's perfectly normal for older, remarried people to have babies. I just don't see what the big deal is. I personally wouldn't want to (almost 50; no thanks) but to each their own, if they can afford it and do the work.

The big deal is that he's choosing that over grandparent time. He has the right to do it, but is it really a big surprise that others are not happy? We can't have everything in life. Choosing to have more children sends a message that he isn't interested in spending time with the children and grandchildren that he already has.

It is not a surprise that the others are emotionally having difficulty with the situation. There is a difference between being unhappy and behaving like an entitled @ss.

The DH and OP are the entitled ones.

[Anonymous]

His kids don’t like you, OK, OP?

It doesn’t matter if that is due to the age gap, or your husband not making time for his grandkids, or your obvious attempt to tighten your grip on your husband by having a baby when you should have been done, or your own personality.

What matters is that they don’t like or respect you. And they see your kids as snotnose brats.

Factor that into your plans and expectations going forward.

[Anonymous]

The hypocrisy on this thread is astounding. On so many SP threads, PPs will decry the SP who doesn't treat the SC like her own blood but somehow it's ok when the SC don't treat their step-siblings like their own blood? Whatever happened to the kumbaya 'everyone loves everyone' attitude?? In this case, the SD is supposed to be resentful of her own half-sibling baby???? How crazy is that? Yes, the dad is no spring chicken but this isn't some baby born to some opiate-addicted losers- now those people don't have any business bringing children into existence. Get some perspective crazy DCUMers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The hypocrisy on this thread is astounding. On so many SP threads, PPs will decry the SP who doesn't treat the SC like her own blood but somehow it's ok when the SC don't treat their step-siblings like their own blood? Whatever happened to the kumbaya 'everyone loves everyone' attitude?? In this case, the SD is supposed to be resentful of her own half-sibling baby???? How crazy is that? Yes, the dad is no spring chicken but this isn't some baby born to some opiate-addicted losers- now those people don't have any business bringing children into existence. Get some perspective crazy DCUMers.

SD is not *supposed to* be resentful; she just likely is. It’s a pretty natural — if unattractive— feeling.

Remember that SD’s family of origin was not likely superbly functional. With the divorce, SD may never had had as much of her Dad’s time and focus as she could have used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, older men don't really want to spend time with their grandkids based on my observations. Even if he and OP hadnt married, it wouldn't mean that the 29yo DD acquired a male Mary Poppins for her brood. Their resentment about less time for the grandkids doesnt make sense. Older men see their grandkids, coo over them for an hour and give them back. They are not playing grandma.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, older men don't really want to spend time with their grandkids based on my observations. Even if he and OP hadnt married, it wouldn't mean that the 29yo DD acquired a male Mary Poppins for her brood. Their resentment about less time for the grandkids doesnt make sense. Older men see their grandkids, coo over them for an hour and give them back. They are not playing grandma.

+100

I get that some families have entrenched gender roles. But I don’t understand how you don’t realize that many grandads are not like this. So strange. Look around and you’ll see some granddads that are quite engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, older men don't really want to spend time with their grandkids based on my observations. Even if he and OP hadnt married, it wouldn't mean that the 29yo DD acquired a male Mary Poppins for her brood. Their resentment about less time for the grandkids doesnt make sense. Older men see their grandkids, coo over them for an hour and give them back. They are not playing grandma.

+100

I get that some families have entrenched gender roles. But I don’t understand how you don’t realize that many grandads are not like this. So strange. Look around and you’ll see some granddads that are quite engaged.

Yes, engaged but not as engaged as grandmothers would be. It's not so much about gender roles but identities. Men don't associate their identity with caring for grandchildren the way women do. If you ask a grandfather to describe himself, the first word would probably be 'retired' or 'former XYZ' but it would be different for a grandmother because their grandkids will be the FIRST thing they mention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^They are if you are 65 or 70...
Obviously, the daughter is upset about these developments - stepmom closer to her in age than to her father, a new sibling that's younger than her own kids, and, most of all, a granddad who won't have any time for grandparenting because he is exhausted from dealing with a new baby and two other very young stepkids at that stage of life (even for a younger parent, 3 young kids is exhausting). OP - you need to be the bigger person and make an effort to build this relationship.
Obviously, norovirus did not make this any better...

Nope. Middle aged mothers are not trophy wives.

If you're a 65+ guy and marry a J Lo type woman in her 40's, it's viewed as a trophy wife by his aged peers.