Is wife being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the christmas thing makes not wanting to go slightly more reasonable but the fact that she won't let you take the toddler removes ALL understanding and moral high ground from her position IMO.

- Show up PP

OP hasn't said why she won't but she could have very legitimate reasons for not wanting this. For example, they could be completely incompetent at watching a toddler. Just recently I was out at a museum with my father and my two kids. One kid wanted to see a different exhibit so we agreed I'd go with him and my dad stayed with the other. Well, my dad lost him -- he just wandered off without my dad noticing (he said he just looked down at his phone for a second!). If you are not used to taking care of toddlers, which is the case for many grandparents who don't live nearby and who haven't had to watch toddlers since their kids grew up, you forget how careful you need to be. Could be a reason like this.

Your kid is still alive. Don't infantilize fathers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks for the update, OP.
You're still wrong.

And I don't like the tone of: "I think she should be willing to do this for me. "
That's not how I think of my relationship with my husband. He doesn't do things for me. He does things for our nuclear family (four people). This is what I do as well. And CLEARLY, this is not in the best interest of the smallest member of your family.

Stop being so relentlessly selfish. It's not "me, me, me" anymore. You're a family man now.

What a ridiculous sentiment. I do things I don't totally want to do all the time because my husband wants to do it or it means something to him. Wanting to help facilitate your spouse attending his brother's wedding is absolutely a spouse should WANT to do. The family comes first but every person in the family is an individual with different needs and wants and part of being a family is wanting everyone's needs and wants met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the christmas thing makes not wanting to go slightly more reasonable but the fact that she won't let you take the toddler removes ALL understanding and moral high ground from her position IMO.

- Show up PP

OP hasn't said why she won't but she could have very legitimate reasons for not wanting this. For example, they could be completely incompetent at watching a toddler. Just recently I was out at a museum with my father and my two kids. One kid wanted to see a different exhibit so we agreed I'd go with him and my dad stayed with the other. Well, my dad lost him -- he just wandered off without my dad noticing (he said he just looked down at his phone for a second!). If you are not used to taking care of toddlers, which is the case for many grandparents who don't live nearby and who haven't had to watch toddlers since their kids grew up, you forget how careful you need to be. Could be a reason like this.

Your kid is still alive. Don't infantilize fathers.

I'm talking about grandparents whose toddler-watching skills may be a little rusty. The father in this case will be busy being best man in the wedding.

[Anonymous]

If your family’s attendance was so important, they should have changed the wedding date when you announced. Oterhwise they should accept that circumstances are not ideal and your wife and children cannot attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't the obvious compromise that your MIL be invited to the wedding/reception to help with the toddler and baby throughout and then you tell your family that you will stay for maybe 1-2 days after the wedding, but you want a low-key Christmas at home?

I'm a pp that was in a wedding 6 weeks postpartum and my husband stayed with my kids during the ceremony. During the procession, my six week old (who was a super sweet and easy baby) had a huge spit up, soaking my husband and herself. Luckily, they were sitting by friends who could watch our toddler while my husband and baby totally changed outfits (we were staying at the hotel where the wedding was taking place). Six weeks postpartum is a time when you absolutely must have man on man defense going, imo (at least for a wedding or other formal event that is absolutely not a kid-focused event).

I think the obvious compromise is that he goes alone, his wife stays home and her mom comes to help with the kids. He doesn't have to miss the wedding and she doesn't have to go through the shitshow 6 weeks pp with an unvaccinated kid and the threat of a kidnapping through Christmas hanging over her head.

WTF PP you guys are insane and I'm so happy I'm not related to any of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the christmas thing makes not wanting to go slightly more reasonable but the fact that she won't let you take the toddler removes ALL understanding and moral high ground from her position IMO.

- Show up PP

OP hasn't said why she won't but she could have very legitimate reasons for not wanting this. For example, they could be completely incompetent at watching a toddler. Just recently I was out at a museum with my father and my two kids. One kid wanted to see a different exhibit so we agreed I'd go with him and my dad stayed with the other. Well, my dad lost him -- he just wandered off without my dad noticing (he said he just looked down at his phone for a second!). If you are not used to taking care of toddlers, which is the case for many grandparents who don't live nearby and who haven't had to watch toddlers since their kids grew up, you forget how careful you need to be. Could be a reason like this.

Your kid is still alive. Don't infantilize fathers.

I'm talking about grandparents whose toddler-watching skills may be a little rusty. The father in this case will be busy being best man in the wedding.

A lot of women 'don't trust' their in laws. Its ridiculous and mean IMO. Until I get a HARD reason like "FIL pushed DS down when he got frustrated" I'm not siding with DW

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, I'm team wife also.

Things I agree w/ that other posters have already said so well (and consistently):

- having one straightforward birth and manageable baby means nothing as a predictor for a second birth
- handling childcare on evenings and weekends doesn't begin to approximate what it is to be primary caregiver 80% of the time - let alone with a body ravaged by pregnancy and childbirth
- you have no way of knowing how your 2 yr old will behave when there's a newborn. It may be smooth as silk and it may be an everloving nightmare.
- taking a 6 week old infant on an airplane in the winter invites significant risk factors for illness
- your marriage is bigger than any one occasion (the "even if you win this battle, you lose" statement)
- you need to uncouple the problems in your marriage from everything you are layering onto your ability to participate in this wedding
- finding a way to attend a weekend wedding is a VERY different scenario than agreeing to go away for more than a week, at christmas, with a newborn and a 2 year old with people you may or may not like/get along/feel supported by

Most importantly - you are doing very serious damage to your marriage with your approach and mindset. Choose your battles wisely OP, and be sure the messages you are sending with your priorities match the things you really love and value. RIght now it reads very much as though your desires for the wedding weekend and your family's wishes come persistently well ahead of your wife's feelings and the safest approach for your newborn. Is that really how you feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I'm team wife also.

Things I agree w/ that other posters have already said so well (and consistently):

- having one straightforward birth and manageable baby means nothing as a predictor for a second birth
- handling childcare on evenings and weekends doesn't begin to approximate what it is to be primary caregiver 80% of the time - let alone with a body ravaged by pregnancy and childbirth
- you have no way of knowing how your 2 yr old will behave when there's a newborn. It may be smooth as silk and it may be an everloving nightmare.
- taking a 6 week old infant on an airplane in the winter invites significant risk factors for illness
- your marriage is bigger than any one occasion (the "even if you win this battle, you lose" statement)
- you need to uncouple the problems in your marriage from everything you are layering onto your ability to participate in this wedding
- finding a way to attend a weekend wedding is a VERY different scenario than agreeing to go away for more than a week, at christmas, with a newborn and a 2 year old with people you may or may not like/get along/feel supported by

Most importantly - you are doing very serious damage to your marriage with your approach and mindset. Choose your battles wisely OP, and be sure the messages you are sending with your priorities match the things you really love and value. RIght now it reads very much as though your desires for the wedding weekend and your family's wishes come persistently well ahead of your wife's feelings and the safest approach for your newborn. Is that really how you feel?

How do you feel about wife refusing to let the toddler attend pp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't the obvious compromise that your MIL be invited to the wedding/reception to help with the toddler and baby throughout and then you tell your family that you will stay for maybe 1-2 days after the wedding, but you want a low-key Christmas at home?

I'm a pp that was in a wedding 6 weeks postpartum and my husband stayed with my kids during the ceremony. During the procession, my six week old (who was a super sweet and easy baby) had a huge spit up, soaking my husband and herself. Luckily, they were sitting by friends who could watch our toddler while my husband and baby totally changed outfits (we were staying at the hotel where the wedding was taking place). Six weeks postpartum is a time when you absolutely must have man on man defense going, imo (at least for a wedding or other formal event that is absolutely not a kid-focused event).

I think the obvious compromise is that he goes alone, his wife stays home and her mom comes to help with the kids. He doesn't have to miss the wedding and she doesn't have to go through the shitshow 6 weeks pp with an unvaccinated kid and the threat of a kidnapping through Christmas hanging over her head.

WTF PP you guys are insane and I'm so happy I'm not related to any of you.

Quote OP:

The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.

He said himself he's mad she won't suck it up and travel for the wedding since she likes his brother and future SIL, and then slips in 8 pages later that "oh yeah if we go we'll definitely stay for at least a week with my parents, who she has a bad relationship with." This guy isn't just selfish, he's a manipulator. And even after 80 or so people telling him he's being unreasonable, he reveals more unreasonable demands while simultaneously digging his heels in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't the obvious compromise that your MIL be invited to the wedding/reception to help with the toddler and baby throughout and then you tell your family that you will stay for maybe 1-2 days after the wedding, but you want a low-key Christmas at home?

I'm a pp that was in a wedding 6 weeks postpartum and my husband stayed with my kids during the ceremony. During the procession, my six week old (who was a super sweet and easy baby) had a huge spit up, soaking my husband and herself. Luckily, they were sitting by friends who could watch our toddler while my husband and baby totally changed outfits (we were staying at the hotel where the wedding was taking place). Six weeks postpartum is a time when you absolutely must have man on man defense going, imo (at least for a wedding or other formal event that is absolutely not a kid-focused event).

I think the obvious compromise is that he goes alone, his wife stays home and her mom comes to help with the kids. He doesn't have to miss the wedding and she doesn't have to go through the shitshow 6 weeks pp with an unvaccinated kid and the threat of a kidnapping through Christmas hanging over her head.

WTF PP you guys are insane and I'm so happy I'm not related to any of you.

Quote OP:

The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.

He said himself he's mad she won't suck it up and travel for the wedding since she likes his brother and future SIL, and then slips in 8 pages later that "oh yeah if we go we'll definitely stay for at least a week with my parents, who she has a bad relationship with." This guy isn't just selfish, he's a manipulator. And even after 80 or so people telling him he's being unreasonable, he reveals more unreasonable demands while simultaneously digging his heels in.

I called you insane because you apparently think that if OP takes his two year old they will be in danger of being kidnapped. Or did you ignore my bolding of your insane line?

So many people on here have crap relationships with their DH's family and want to justify atrocious behavior that attempts to isolate him.

If you don't like your in laws that sucks but unless they are abusive or have ebola you should be trying to NOT be an obstacle between your DH and your children having a good relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I'm team wife also.

Things I agree w/ that other posters have already said so well (and consistently):

- having one straightforward birth and manageable baby means nothing as a predictor for a second birth
- handling childcare on evenings and weekends doesn't begin to approximate what it is to be primary caregiver 80% of the time - let alone with a body ravaged by pregnancy and childbirth
- you have no way of knowing how your 2 yr old will behave when there's a newborn. It may be smooth as silk and it may be an everloving nightmare.
- taking a 6 week old infant on an airplane in the winter invites significant risk factors for illness
- your marriage is bigger than any one occasion (the "even if you win this battle, you lose" statement)
- you need to uncouple the problems in your marriage from everything you are layering onto your ability to participate in this wedding
- finding a way to attend a weekend wedding is a VERY different scenario than agreeing to go away for more than a week, at christmas, with a newborn and a 2 year old with people you may or may not like/get along/feel supported by

Most importantly - you are doing very serious damage to your marriage with your approach and mindset. Choose your battles wisely OP, and be sure the messages you are sending with your priorities match the things you really love and value. RIght now it reads very much as though your desires for the wedding weekend and your family's wishes come persistently well ahead of your wife's feelings and the safest approach for your newborn. Is that really how you feel?

How do you feel about wife refusing to let the toddler attend pp?

I’m not the poster you are responding to, but I think there is more to it. He keeps saying he’s available except the ceremony and pictures. I’m sorry, the Best man is not available to provide child care and if he thinks he can adequately watch the child and be in the wedding, he’s crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I'm team wife also.

Things I agree w/ that other posters have already said so well (and consistently):

- having one straightforward birth and manageable baby means nothing as a predictor for a second birth
- handling childcare on evenings and weekends doesn't begin to approximate what it is to be primary caregiver 80% of the time - let alone with a body ravaged by pregnancy and childbirth
- you have no way of knowing how your 2 yr old will behave when there's a newborn. It may be smooth as silk and it may be an everloving nightmare.
- taking a 6 week old infant on an airplane in the winter invites significant risk factors for illness
- your marriage is bigger than any one occasion (the "even if you win this battle, you lose" statement)
- you need to uncouple the problems in your marriage from everything you are layering onto your ability to participate in this wedding
- finding a way to attend a weekend wedding is a VERY different scenario than agreeing to go away for more than a week, at christmas, with a newborn and a 2 year old with people you may or may not like/get along/feel supported by

Most importantly - you are doing very serious damage to your marriage with your approach and mindset. Choose your battles wisely OP, and be sure the messages you are sending with your priorities match the things you really love and value. RIght now it reads very much as though your desires for the wedding weekend and your family's wishes come persistently well ahead of your wife's feelings and the safest approach for your newborn. Is that really how you feel?

How do you feel about wife refusing to let the toddler attend pp?

I’m not the poster you are responding to, but I think there is more to it. He keeps saying he’s available except the ceremony and pictures. I’m sorry, the Best man is not available to provide child care and if he thinks he can adequately watch the child and be in the wedding, he’s crazy.

My DH would not think twice about my going to a family event without him. I would not think twice about him going to a family event without me. Both of our families step up to take care of kids and bond with them. I think the fact that you think there is more to it speaks to the fact that this particular board (so NOT exactly an unbiased sample set) has ridiculously in law problems and is therefore projecting their own issues onto OP.

[Anonymous]

Yep. Douchetastic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I'm team wife also.

Things I agree w/ that other posters have already said so well (and consistently):

- having one straightforward birth and manageable baby means nothing as a predictor for a second birth
- handling childcare on evenings and weekends doesn't begin to approximate what it is to be primary caregiver 80% of the time - let alone with a body ravaged by pregnancy and childbirth
- you have no way of knowing how your 2 yr old will behave when there's a newborn. It may be smooth as silk and it may be an everloving nightmare.
- taking a 6 week old infant on an airplane in the winter invites significant risk factors for illness
- your marriage is bigger than any one occasion (the "even if you win this battle, you lose" statement)
- you need to uncouple the problems in your marriage from everything you are layering onto your ability to participate in this wedding
- finding a way to attend a weekend wedding is a VERY different scenario than agreeing to go away for more than a week, at christmas, with a newborn and a 2 year old with people you may or may not like/get along/feel supported by

Most importantly - you are doing very serious damage to your marriage with your approach and mindset. Choose your battles wisely OP, and be sure the messages you are sending with your priorities match the things you really love and value. RIght now it reads very much as though your desires for the wedding weekend and your family's wishes come persistently well ahead of your wife's feelings and the safest approach for your newborn. Is that really how you feel?

How do you feel about wife refusing to let the toddler attend pp?

I’m not the poster you are responding to, but I think there is more to it. He keeps saying he’s available except the ceremony and pictures. I’m sorry, the Best man is not available to provide child care and if he thinks he can adequately watch the child and be in the wedding, he’s crazy.

My DH would not think twice about my going to a family event without him. I would not think twice about him going to a family event without me. Both of our families step up to take care of kids and bond with them. I think the fact that you think there is more to it speaks to the fact that this particular board (so NOT exactly an unbiased sample set) has ridiculously in law problems and is therefore projecting their own issues onto OP.

I’m not projecting my own issues. I’m basing it on the OPs responses. If anything, YOU are projecting your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't the obvious compromise that your MIL be invited to the wedding/reception to help with the toddler and baby throughout and then you tell your family that you will stay for maybe 1-2 days after the wedding, but you want a low-key Christmas at home?

I'm a pp that was in a wedding 6 weeks postpartum and my husband stayed with my kids during the ceremony. During the procession, my six week old (who was a super sweet and easy baby) had a huge spit up, soaking my husband and herself. Luckily, they were sitting by friends who could watch our toddler while my husband and baby totally changed outfits (we were staying at the hotel where the wedding was taking place). Six weeks postpartum is a time when you absolutely must have man on man defense going, imo (at least for a wedding or other formal event that is absolutely not a kid-focused event).

I think the obvious compromise is that he goes alone, his wife stays home and her mom comes to help with the kids. He doesn't have to miss the wedding and she doesn't have to go through the shitshow 6 weeks pp with an unvaccinated kid and the threat of a kidnapping through Christmas hanging over her head.

WTF PP you guys are insane and I'm so happy I'm not related to any of you.

Quote OP:

The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.

He said himself he's mad she won't suck it up and travel for the wedding since she likes his brother and future SIL, and then slips in 8 pages later that "oh yeah if we go we'll definitely stay for at least a week with my parents, who she has a bad relationship with." This guy isn't just selfish, he's a manipulator. And even after 80 or so people telling him he's being unreasonable, he reveals more unreasonable demands while simultaneously digging his heels in.

I called you insane because you apparently think that if OP takes his two year old they will be in danger of being kidnapped. Or did you ignore my bolding of your insane line?

So many people on here have crap relationships with their DH's family and want to justify atrocious behavior that attempts to isolate him.

If you don't like your in laws that sucks but unless they are abusive or have ebola you should be trying to NOT be an obstacle between your DH and your children having a good relationship with them.

Saying "I just want her to travel to this wedding, it's important to me" and then later saying "of course we'll stay for a week and spend Christmas with my extended family" is why she isn't sending her toddler. He's saying it's for a weekend but threatening to kidnap the kid through the holidays.

I love my in laws. I just recognize a manipulator when he confesses all over a comment thread.