DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Comparing his first 7 years to her last 3 years isn't apples to oranges. He had the entire financial burden of the family to carry. That's not to blame her -- she was doing her part by maintaining the home front. But the fact is that she's not confronting a similar financial situation when making decisions about how to balance work and family.

No one needs half a million dollars to live on. OP could be making half that much and they could be quite comfortable. I doubt anyone just threw an extra $250k at him for the heck of it, he made that additional money because he worked harder than he needed to. So let's not pretend OP didn't choose to absent himself from the family more than necessary during those years to pursue his professional ambitions. Go ahead and call his wife out if you disagree with her choices, but at least hold OP to the same standard.

My husband makes twice what op makes and is home for dinner most every night. It is very possible.

How nice for you all. OP isn't claiming he was able to do the same while working his way up. He admits he didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Comparing his first 7 years to her last 3 years isn't apples to oranges. He had the entire financial burden of the family to carry. That's not to blame her -- she was doing her part by maintaining the home front. But the fact is that she's not confronting a similar financial situation when making decisions about how to balance work and family.

No one needs half a million dollars to live on. OP could be making half that much and they could be quite comfortable. I doubt anyone just threw an extra $250k at him for the heck of it, he made that additional money because he worked harder than he needed to. So let's not pretend OP didn't choose to absent himself from the family more than necessary during those years to pursue his professional ambitions. Go ahead and call his wife out if you disagree with her choices, but at least hold OP to the same standard.

My husband makes twice what op makes and is home for dinner most every night. It is very possible.

How nice for you all. OP isn't claiming he was able to do the same while working his way up. He admits he didn't.

No, he didn't, you have decided that. He said he was present more than she is now, but less than he is currently. You must have some serious marital issues that you are proecting on others.

In most normal functioning two parent homes, both parents are home for the majority of meals with kids on weeknights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Comparing his first 7 years to her last 3 years isn't apples to oranges. He had the entire financial burden of the family to carry. That's not to blame her -- she was doing her part by maintaining the home front. But the fact is that she's not confronting a similar financial situation when making decisions about how to balance work and family.

OP isn’t worried about the financial burden, apparently. He just cannot handle the burden of deciding if it’s spaghetti or filet for dinner every night, and thinks this should be up to his wife. Well, that and the whole she should be available for sex thing.


OP had his wife’s support for YEARS, in a much more difficult transaction (being SAH). She supported his needs and wants for years. He wouldn’t likely be in the position he is now without her. Her income after many years out of the workforce is nothing to sneeze at, plus it sounds she feels work is part of her identity. It’s her turn. What he is being asked to do is no more than a lot of women are this board are tasked with.

I just think OP likes to feel like “the man” and has certain gender role sterotypes in his mind, whether he sees it or not.

You are so absorbed in your political rhetoric that you've lost sight of the fact that this woman is spending almost zero time with her children. That is not the norm for working moms.

You made that up. She's home for dinner at least 4 nights a week and spends all weekend with them. More time than he spent with them when she was a SAHM.

People on this board are such zealots that they can't even argue from a position of good faith.

Actually op never said one way or other what occurs on weekends, but that his wife is not home for 90 percent of weeknight dinners. You actually are the one making assumptions that aren't based on what has been posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be completely honest, if I was your wife and you laid all of this out for me, if would be so alienating to hear that you don't really care that we don't spend much time together outside the bedroom. I imagine it would be very hurtful that your primary interest in me as a partner is as a warm body for you to stick your penis in, and beyond that I'm largely irrelevant except to the extent that I also fawn over all of your contributions to stroke your ego. I mean, you note the lack of conversation but don't include it in your list of things you want, and that speaks volumes.

OP here. This is a fair assessment and yes it does speak volumes. Not trying to make an excuse but maybe that's the difference in needs between a man and a woman. Conversation would be great but that's a bonus to me.

+1000. Amazing (actually, not really) how many DCUM women refuse to recognize and acknowledge how fundamentally differently men and women define a happy marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Comparing his first 7 years to her last 3 years isn't apples to oranges. He had the entire financial burden of the family to carry. That's not to blame her -- she was doing her part by maintaining the home front. But the fact is that she's not confronting a similar financial situation when making decisions about how to balance work and family.

OP isn’t worried about the financial burden, apparently. He just cannot handle the burden of deciding if it’s spaghetti or filet for dinner every night, and thinks this should be up to his wife. Well, that and the whole she should be available for sex thing.


OP had his wife’s support for YEARS, in a much more difficult transaction (being SAH). She supported his needs and wants for years. He wouldn’t likely be in the position he is now without her. Her income after many years out of the workforce is nothing to sneeze at, plus it sounds she feels work is part of her identity. It’s her turn. What he is being asked to do is no more than a lot of women are this board are tasked with.

I just think OP likes to feel like “the man” and has certain gender role sterotypes in his mind, whether he sees it or not.

You are so absorbed in your political rhetoric that you've lost sight of the fact that this woman is spending almost zero time with her children. That is not the norm for working moms.

You made that up. She's home for dinner at least 4 nights a week and spends all weekend with them. More time than he spent with them when she was a SAHM.

People on this board are such zealots that they can't even argue from a position of good faith.

Actually op never said one way or other what occurs on weekends, but that his wife is not home for 90 percent of weeknight dinners. You actually are the one making assumptions that aren't based on what has been posted.

He said point blank that she's home Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. He also said she dedicates all her energy to the kids and he's left with "scraps." I get that you think you're really sticking it to feminists or whatever, but you're misrepresenting the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be completely honest, if I was your wife and you laid all of this out for me, if would be so alienating to hear that you don't really care that we don't spend much time together outside the bedroom. I imagine it would be very hurtful that your primary interest in me as a partner is as a warm body for you to stick your penis in, and beyond that I'm largely irrelevant except to the extent that I also fawn over all of your contributions to stroke your ego. I mean, you note the lack of conversation but don't include it in your list of things you want, and that speaks volumes.

OP here. This is a fair assessment and yes it does speak volumes. Not trying to make an excuse but maybe that's the difference in needs between a man and a woman. Conversation would be great but that's a bonus to me.

+1000. Amazing (actually, not really) how many DCUM women refuse to recognize and acknowledge how fundamentally differently men and women define a happy marriage

I would choose to be single than choose to be with someone who missed sex more than they missed me when I was gone. And I like sex and have a good sex life with my husband that I prioritize because I think it is important for the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Comparing his first 7 years to her last 3 years isn't apples to oranges. He had the entire financial burden of the family to carry. That's not to blame her -- she was doing her part by maintaining the home front. But the fact is that she's not confronting a similar financial situation when making decisions about how to balance work and family.

OP isn’t worried about the financial burden, apparently. He just cannot handle the burden of deciding if it’s spaghetti or filet for dinner every night, and thinks this should be up to his wife. Well, that and the whole she should be available for sex thing.


OP had his wife’s support for YEARS, in a much more difficult transaction (being SAH). She supported his needs and wants for years. He wouldn’t likely be in the position he is now without her. Her income after many years out of the workforce is nothing to sneeze at, plus it sounds she feels work is part of her identity. It’s her turn. What he is being asked to do is no more than a lot of women are this board are tasked with.

I just think OP likes to feel like “the man” and has certain gender role sterotypes in his mind, whether he sees it or not.

You are so absorbed in your political rhetoric that you've lost sight of the fact that this woman is spending almost zero time with her children. That is not the norm for working moms.

You made that up. She's home for dinner at least 4 nights a week and spends all weekend with them. More time than he spent with them when she was a SAHM.

People on this board are such zealots that they can't even argue from a position of good faith.

Actually op never said one way or other what occurs on weekends, but that his wife is not home for 90 percent of weeknight dinners. You actually are the one making assumptions that aren't based on what has been posted.

He said point blank that she's home Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. He also said she dedicates all her energy to the kids and he's left with "scraps." I get that you think you're really sticking it to feminists or whatever, but you're misrepresenting the thread.

This is taken verbatim from op's first post post:

know she is trying to make up for "lost" time and I don't mind that she works but getting home at 8pm or later everyday does not a happy home make.That said, she really loves what she does and it shows. She pours her heart and soul into her work and that leaves very little for us at home. What is leftover goes to the kids.

I guess the way we comprehend that -- "whatever is leftover" sounds like a lot less to me than you. I've always made six figures as a working mom, and I can count on one hand the number of times I've missed dinner with my kids. Arguing that this woman's home life is just like any other working woman is a farce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Comparing his first 7 years to her last 3 years isn't apples to oranges. He had the entire financial burden of the family to carry. That's not to blame her -- she was doing her part by maintaining the home front. But the fact is that she's not confronting a similar financial situation when making decisions about how to balance work and family.

No one needs half a million dollars to live on. OP could be making half that much and they could be quite comfortable. I doubt anyone just threw an extra $250k at him for the heck of it, he made that additional money because he worked harder than he needed to. So let's not pretend OP didn't choose to absent himself from the family more than necessary during those years to pursue his professional ambitions. Go ahead and call his wife out if you disagree with her choices, but at least hold OP to the same standard.

My husband makes twice what op makes and is home for dinner most every night. It is very possible.

How nice for you all. OP isn't claiming he was able to do the same while working his way up. He admits he didn't.

No, he didn't, you have decided that. He said he was present more than she is now, but less than he is currently. You must have some serious marital issues that you are proecting on others.

In most normal functioning two parent homes, both parents are home for the majority of meals with kids on weeknights.

Per OP, on his prior work effort/schedule:

"[She] supported me through my career which directly allowed me to put all my energy into my work." What energy went to the wife and kids if everything went into work?

"I traveled a lot for work[.]" When you travel a lot for work, you also miss a lot of family meals.

"The root of the problem is that there is no time for communication when DW comes home and is tired. All she wants to do is veg (watch videos on her phone) and de-compress. I get it. I've been there too." So when he was the one coming home tired after a long work day, he also jut wanted to veg by himself instead of entertaining his wife.

I'm not actually criticizing OP for the work schedule he maintained before, only the hypocrisy of acknowledging he did all of this while he was building his career at her expense (after all, he said she always planned to go back to work because she loves what she does) while resenting the fact that it's her turn now and instead wanting her to make more sacrifices for him. When does everything stop being about OP? It's not like he's even claiming this is having a negative impact on the kids, she may see them less but he says she still gives them all of her energy when she's home (remember, that was one of the complaints). He only cares that he's not getting laid more than once a week and she doesn't stroke his ego enough for handling a portion of the household management that she used to manage exclusively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to be completely honest, if I was your wife and you laid all of this out for me, if would be so alienating to hear that you don't really care that we don't spend much time together outside the bedroom. I imagine it would be very hurtful that your primary interest in me as a partner is as a warm body for you to stick your penis in, and beyond that I'm largely irrelevant except to the extent that I also fawn over all of your contributions to stroke your ego. I mean, you note the lack of conversation but don't include it in your list of things you want, and that speaks volumes.

OP here. This is a fair assessment and yes it does speak volumes. Not trying to make an excuse but maybe that's the difference in needs between a man and a woman. Conversation would be great but that's a bonus to me.

+1000. Amazing (actually, not really) how many DCUM women refuse to recognize and acknowledge how fundamentally differently men and women define a happy marriage

It is amazing (actually, not really) how many DCUM men refuse to recognize and acknowledge how fundamentally offensive it is that men care more about having sex than having a conversation with their wife. The OP straight up admits that conversation is an added bonus but not the thing he actually cares about.

If I found out that my husband thought about me that way, the absolute last thing I would want to do is have more sex with him. You can sit here and talk about sexual connection as being essential to a healthy marriage until the sun goes down, but that the OP and several of the presumably male posters on this thread care more about having sex with their wives than talking to them is offensive as hell. Do your wives know how little you think of them as people, or do you not have wives because your attitude is so off-putting to women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Comparing his first 7 years to her last 3 years isn't apples to oranges. He had the entire financial burden of the family to carry. That's not to blame her -- she was doing her part by maintaining the home front. But the fact is that she's not confronting a similar financial situation when making decisions about how to balance work and family.

OP isn’t worried about the financial burden, apparently. He just cannot handle the burden of deciding if it’s spaghetti or filet for dinner every night, and thinks this should be up to his wife. Well, that and the whole she should be available for sex thing.


OP had his wife’s support for YEARS, in a much more difficult transaction (being SAH). She supported his needs and wants for years. He wouldn’t likely be in the position he is now without her. Her income after many years out of the workforce is nothing to sneeze at, plus it sounds she feels work is part of her identity. It’s her turn. What he is being asked to do is no more than a lot of women are this board are tasked with.

I just think OP likes to feel like “the man” and has certain gender role sterotypes in his mind, whether he sees it or not.

You are so absorbed in your political rhetoric that you've lost sight of the fact that this woman is spending almost zero time with her children. That is not the norm for working moms.

You made that up. She's home for dinner at least 4 nights a week and spends all weekend with them. More time than he spent with them when she was a SAHM.

People on this board are such zealots that they can't even argue from a position of good faith.

Actually op never said one way or other what occurs on weekends, but that his wife is not home for 90 percent of weeknight dinners. You actually are the one making assumptions that aren't based on what has been posted.

He said point blank that she's home Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. He also said she dedicates all her energy to the kids and he's left with "scraps." I get that you think you're really sticking it to feminists or whatever, but you're misrepresenting the thread.

This is taken verbatim from op's first post post:

know she is trying to make up for "lost" time and I don't mind that she works but getting home at 8pm or later everyday does not a happy home make.That said, she really loves what she does and it shows. She pours her heart and soul into her work and that leaves very little for us at home. What is leftover goes to the kids.

I guess the way we comprehend that -- "whatever is leftover" sounds like a lot less to me than you. I've always made six figures as a working mom, and I can count on one hand the number of times I've missed dinner with my kids. Arguing that this woman's home life is just like any other working woman is a farce.

Yes, that was the first post. And this is from his response later: OP here.

I can see both perspectives on the above and based on one of the PP's advice of talking about expectations, I think DW and I need to develop our own set of expectations for each other. I do think it's reasonable for her to be home at least twice a week for dinner. I don't think she needs to cook dinner because we can use something like galley or prepared foods that we can just heat up. The conversation at the table is different when everyone is there (the kids and I are definitely more sillier when mommy is not around) and DW and I talk more together when we're eating with the family - this is based on my observations of when we go out to eat on the weekends.

So yes, they go out to eat as a family every weekend. She comes home for at least one weeknight meal a week to get to his 90% figure. You're judging her for being more present than he was when she was staying home. Saying that no other working mom gets home late on weeknights -- that to say such a thing could be true is a "farce" -- is not true. It's just you are fine with fathers checking out, putting "all their effort" into work, traveling frequently, etc., for the first SEVEN years of their kids' lives, but a mom missing some weeknight dinners and not being the person to pack lunches once they're in school is "almost zero time with her children" and "a complete farce." This is, once again, you grinding an axe. Not factual or even reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Comparing his first 7 years to her last 3 years isn't apples to oranges. He had the entire financial burden of the family to carry. That's not to blame her -- she was doing her part by maintaining the home front. But the fact is that she's not confronting a similar financial situation when making decisions about how to balance work and family.

OP isn’t worried about the financial burden, apparently. He just cannot handle the burden of deciding if it’s spaghetti or filet for dinner every night, and thinks this should be up to his wife. Well, that and the whole she should be available for sex thing.


OP had his wife’s support for YEARS, in a much more difficult transaction (being SAH). She supported his needs and wants for years. He wouldn’t likely be in the position he is now without her. Her income after many years out of the workforce is nothing to sneeze at, plus it sounds she feels work is part of her identity. It’s her turn. What he is being asked to do is no more than a lot of women are this board are tasked with.

I just think OP likes to feel like “the man” and has certain gender role sterotypes in his mind, whether he sees it or not.

You are so absorbed in your political rhetoric that you've lost sight of the fact that this woman is spending almost zero time with her children. That is not the norm for working moms.

You made that up. She's home for dinner at least 4 nights a week and spends all weekend with them. More time than he spent with them when she was a SAHM.

People on this board are such zealots that they can't even argue from a position of good faith.

Actually op never said one way or other what occurs on weekends, but that his wife is not home for 90 percent of weeknight dinners. You actually are the one making assumptions that aren't based on what has been posted.

Untrue, OP said they eat out on the weekends so no one has to cook or do dishes. That would tend to imply that she's home. You really think that if she was working seven days a week he wouldn't have included that somewhere to make himself more sympathetic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Comparing his first 7 years to her last 3 years isn't apples to oranges. He had the entire financial burden of the family to carry. That's not to blame her -- she was doing her part by maintaining the home front. But the fact is that she's not confronting a similar financial situation when making decisions about how to balance work and family.

OP isn’t worried about the financial burden, apparently. He just cannot handle the burden of deciding if it’s spaghetti or filet for dinner every night, and thinks this should be up to his wife. Well, that and the whole she should be available for sex thing.


OP had his wife’s support for YEARS, in a much more difficult transaction (being SAH). She supported his needs and wants for years. He wouldn’t likely be in the position he is now without her. Her income after many years out of the workforce is nothing to sneeze at, plus it sounds she feels work is part of her identity. It’s her turn. What he is being asked to do is no more than a lot of women are this board are tasked with.

I just think OP likes to feel like “the man” and has certain gender role sterotypes in his mind, whether he sees it or not.

You are so absorbed in your political rhetoric that you've lost sight of the fact that this woman is spending almost zero time with her children. That is not the norm for working moms.

You made that up. She's home for dinner at least 4 nights a week and spends all weekend with them. More time than he spent with them when she was a SAHM.

People on this board are such zealots that they can't even argue from a position of good faith.

Actually op never said one way or other what occurs on weekends, but that his wife is not home for 90 percent of weeknight dinners. You actually are the one making assumptions that aren't based on what has been posted.

He said point blank that she's home Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. He also said she dedicates all her energy to the kids and he's left with "scraps." I get that you think you're really sticking it to feminists or whatever, but you're misrepresenting the thread.

This is taken verbatim from op's first post post:

know she is trying to make up for "lost" time and I don't mind that she works but getting home at 8pm or later everyday does not a happy home make.That said, she really loves what she does and it shows. She pours her heart and soul into her work and that leaves very little for us at home. What is leftover goes to the kids.

I guess the way we comprehend that -- "whatever is leftover" sounds like a lot less to me than you. I've always made six figures as a working mom, and I can count on one hand the number of times I've missed dinner with my kids. Arguing that this woman's home life is just like any other working woman is a farce.

Yes, that was the first post. And this is from his response later: OP here.

I can see both perspectives on the above and based on one of the PP's advice of talking about expectations, I think DW and I need to develop our own set of expectations for each other. I do think it's reasonable for her to be home at least twice a week for dinner. I don't think she needs to cook dinner because we can use something like galley or prepared foods that we can just heat up. The conversation at the table is different when everyone is there (the kids and I are definitely more sillier when mommy is not around) and DW and I talk more together when we're eating with the family - this is based on my observations of when we go out to eat on the weekends.

So yes, they go out to eat as a family every weekend. She comes home for at least one weeknight meal a week to get to his 90% figure. You're judging her for being more present than he was when she was staying home. Saying that no other working mom gets home late on weeknights -- that to say such a thing could be true is a "farce" -- is not true. It's just you are fine with fathers checking out, putting "all their effort" into work, traveling frequently, etc., for the first SEVEN years of their kids' lives, but a mom missing some weeknight dinners and not being the person to pack lunches once they're in school is "almost zero time with her children" and "a complete farce." This is, once again, you grinding an axe. Not factual or even reasonable.

Nope, do you read? I have said repeatedly that every parent should be home by dinnertime the majority of the time, but op never said he was not since we are focusing on what was actually written. If he too missed 90 percent of weeknight dinners, that was bad parenting on his part. One can work and not be described as giving their children "whatever is left over." What axe exactly am I grinding that you find objectionable-- the parents should be spending weeknights with their children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Comparing his first 7 years to her last 3 years isn't apples to oranges. He had the entire financial burden of the family to carry. That's not to blame her -- she was doing her part by maintaining the home front. But the fact is that she's not confronting a similar financial situation when making decisions about how to balance work and family.

OP isn’t worried about the financial burden, apparently. He just cannot handle the burden of deciding if it’s spaghetti or filet for dinner every night, and thinks this should be up to his wife. Well, that and the whole she should be available for sex thing.


OP had his wife’s support for YEARS, in a much more difficult transaction (being SAH). She supported his needs and wants for years. He wouldn’t likely be in the position he is now without her. Her income after many years out of the workforce is nothing to sneeze at, plus it sounds she feels work is part of her identity. It’s her turn. What he is being asked to do is no more than a lot of women are this board are tasked with.

I just think OP likes to feel like “the man” and has certain gender role sterotypes in his mind, whether he sees it or not.

You are so absorbed in your political rhetoric that you've lost sight of the fact that this woman is spending almost zero time with her children. That is not the norm for working moms.

How many good parents only see their kids on weekends, other than parents with custody agreements? Very strange how one or more of you think that is ok behavior.

You made that up. She's home for dinner at least 4 nights a week and spends all weekend with them. More time than he spent with them when she was a SAHM.

People on this board are such zealots that they can't even argue from a position of good faith.

Actually op never said one way or other what occurs on weekends, but that his wife is not home for 90 percent of weeknight dinners. You actually are the one making assumptions that aren't based on what has been posted.

Untrue, OP said they eat out on the weekends so no one has to cook or do dishes. That would tend to imply that she's home. You really think that if she was working seven days a week he wouldn't have included that somewhere to make himself more sympathetic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Nope, do you read? I have said repeatedly that every parent should be home by dinnertime the majority of the time, but op never said he was not since we are focusing on what was actually written. If he too missed 90 percent of weeknight dinners, that was bad parenting on his part. One can work and not be described as giving their children "whatever is left over." What axe exactly am I grinding that you find objectionable-- the parents should be spending weeknights with their children?

Consistently misrepresents thread, when confronted with quotes jumps to "can you read?" instead of acknowledging that she's wrong. Congratulations on being the most DCUM poster of all time, I guess?

[Anonymous]

If I was having conversations but not sex, I'd feel like the conversations were relatively unimportant and I'd prioritize sex over conversation.

If I was having sex but no conversations, I'd feel like the sex was relatively unimportant and I'd prioritize conversation over sex.

Whatever need is going unfulfilled is the one that looms largest in your mind.