Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?

[Anonymous]

Italian here and just FYI nobody disrespects friends’ wives (or mothers or sisters). Maybe 50 years ago cheating was ok and always forgiven, but it was never acceptable to be disrespected the way OP has been. This must be some serious mental health issue (abuse, low self esteem, pathological liar, etc). These people are not so young. They are not teens. Very poor and uneducated... maybe, but I still think there are mental health issues at play here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
His friends sound like they don't want him to grow up or be happy - they want him to be a bro forever. Your DH is happy being controlled by manipulative people. That is not normal.
I knew someone like this in my 20's. Thank God she didn't marry the fool.

It sounds the opposite to me. His friends have been watching him cheat on his wife for years and are done with enabling it. They want him to stop being a playboy and be responsible for his misdeeds.

Except that the bros are not saying fish or cut bait. They are encouraging him to leave his wife (if she is that, which I doubt now) and the mother of his children. Sounds like what a bro would say about a baby momma who thinks she might become a wife.

As my Grossmutter would say: "schrecklich"!

[Anonymous]

OP, if you don't have the self-esteem to want to leave for yourself, please leave for your children.

You don't want them growing up with this model as their guide for relationships. You don't them thinking a man like their father is the default father and husband type.

Think of Kelly Clarkson's song "Piece by Piece." She sings about her crappy father and how her husband taught her what a man can be.

"But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece, he restores my faith
That a man can be kind and the father could, stay."

If it's too hard to want more for yourself right now, want more for your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would be an idiot to write a letter to his friends. "Dear you guys, Dave doesn't REALLY hate me or feel stuck in his marriage, I swear. It was all just a joke that went too far. He's really happy, I promise!" Yeah, that'll go over well.

Your husband is both immature and a coward. Quite frankly I'd divorce him for those character traits.

Yes, OP, he's lying to you about this being a joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Italian here and just FYI nobody disrespects friends’ wives (or mothers or sisters). Maybe 50 years ago cheating was ok and always forgiven, but it was never acceptable to be disrespected the way OP has been. This must be some serious mental health issue (abuse, low self esteem, pathological liar, etc). These people are not so young. They are not teens. Very poor and uneducated... maybe, but I still think there are mental health issues at play here.

absolutely, it seems that from my scientific sampling of Soprano episodes, goomars are tolerated still among certain strata of Italians, but they are never allowed to try to be legit and if they do they sleep with the fishes .

I am so sorry but I'd like to think this is punching up since Italians are mainstream, white, etc.

[Anonymous]

I am so sick to my stomach after reading this. In addition to counseling you need to get yourself to an attorney, stat. Also I agree with asking the friends that aren't speaking to him what is going on. Surely your DH is not telling you everything.

A dad in our friend group starting disrespecting his wife and the other guys came down on him hard. It's not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

No, they'll always view you in that way because of him.

[Anonymous]

What a despicable excuse for a human being, this husband of yours.

The best plan IS to divorce him.

The second best plan, if you firmly believe he's salvageable, or for some reason you can't leave him just yet, is for him to cut himself off from all of these friends who have taken a strong stance against you. At their age, they should know better than to believe one person unilaterally.

Just to be clear. The problem is YOUR HUSBAND. Not his friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, we will try to go to counseling tomorrow or as soon as we can get an appointment. DH will definitely agree to that. I feel a bit emotionally exhausted and cannot imagine talking to a counselor (even this threat has been hell for me).

Obviously, I wish I could turn back time and dump him and not have had two kids at least. But, I wanted children so badly, so I wonder if I was purposefully blind to the way he was treating me and this is my fault. In any case, I can not turn back time and I am not going to make the children suffer, so I will have to somehow make it work.

OP, this is a theme for you. You are making yourself the powerful one and him the one who has to be helped along. You are not treating him like an equal who has a responsibility to treat you well. I'm not saying you don't have some responsibility in this situation but you keep making excuses for your dh's behavior. You deserve better. You should see a therapist on your own to help you work through this. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

The fact that the husband's friends STILL refuse to be around OP is because the husband is continuing to badmouth OP even now. It's not "in the beginning" or "years ago". He's still doing it NOW. He is telling them terrible things about you and continuing to disrespect you. Don't be fooled, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The irony of this situation is that it seems his friends don't actually dislike you or have ill will toward you. They are all actually trying to protect you and do the right thing by you by harping on their buddy to come clean with you and/or divorce you.

The two friends who won't see you him till he divorces you are the ones that respect you the most in all this.

I agree with this, actually. I think he's a sleazeball and has been cheating on you for a long time, and these two guys are the most honorable and are telling him to come clean and divorce now

[Anonymous]

My BIL dated a girl for several years, never introduced her to his family, lied about events so he wouldn't have to invite her, described her in extremely unflattering ways to his friends and family and then married her when she got pregnant. It never really got any better. They have been married several years but everyone in the extended family assumes he doesn't really like her and that he was trapped and she was never really welcomed into the family or accepted. They speculate about whether or not they will get divorced when the child is grown.

I don't think that this sort of juvenile behavior can really ever be overlooked or forgiven. I'm not sure it really ever gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
His friends sound like they don't want him to grow up or be happy - they want him to be a bro forever. Your DH is happy being controlled by manipulative people. That is not normal.
I knew someone like this in my 20's. Thank God she didn't marry the fool.

It sounds the opposite to me. His friends have been watching him cheat on his wife for years and are done with enabling it. They want him to stop being a playboy and be responsible for his misdeeds.

I don't know how I didn't make this connection the first time I read this, but this is SPOT ON. It's very very obvious that's what's going on - these 2 friends have seen him repeatedly cheating on OP...and they're decent humans and they're taking a stand. That makes so much sense

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect he’s bringing another woman to these couples trips you’re not invited to.

This is why he’s panicking.

Up until now his stories of being trapped in a bad marriage provided cover for bringing his AP on the Bro trips and to hang out with the guys. The affairs also explain why two friends don’t want to see him until he gets divorced. Some people can look the other way and even become enablers, some people cant.

Still, I can imagine it wouldn’t go over well if he told the friends that he was the a$$hole and really just wanted to use them to hide his affairs. That’s why he can’t have a conversation with the friends about this. He can’t just say “Sorry guys, this got out of hand, none of the horrible things I said about Larla are true.” Then he risks someone speaking up about the affairs or at the very least refusing to cover for him. Then he has to give up the affairs and he really really doesn’t want to do that.

The biggest indicator that there’s an affair or affairs are the two friends who want nothing to do with him until he gets divorced. They don’t want to support cheating and are staying away.

Perfect read of the situation.

THIS, EXACTLY. This makes an insane amount of sense - very astute, PP. I would wager money on this being what's really going on here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. You are so kind. I really appreciate it. I wish you were my spouse. It's been so hard and I don't get what I did.

This is meant kindly. You married a person who is not a team player and not on your side. Having a team orientation toward your spouse and family is really the only path to a successful marriage. He can learn it. It's going to take a lot of work. It's his work to do though, not yours. These are his lies and his amends to make.

I know. I just don't think he'll do it. He said he would send the emails if I drafted them, or write letters if I told him what to write, but he's not going to talk to his friends in person. He says that I'm making it a bigger deal than it needs to be and I'm just going to make people feel uncomfortable. I think he wants a letter where he doesn't specifically address lies, but just tells truths, like "DW is a great mom and great wife -- here's our family trip picture." But, of course all these people are on FB, so some of that, they must already be seeing.

Starting this thread has reopened the wound that I thought was healing, though, too. I'm not a person with low self-esteem, or at least, I don't think I am. I try to be very fair and trusting in the relationship, especially because I'm naturally a bit jealous, so I work to listen and ignore my own gut. And, now I ended up in this mess, and just feel like I must have done something wrong in a prior lifetime. I feel like I lost all my self-esteem in the past couple weeks.

OP, can you read what you wrote? Your husband doesn't give a shit that he hurt you. He's not willing to do any work to make his friends like you. It is never going to get better, either the way he talks about you or the way his friends think about you. You seriously need to wake up to this.