Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is probably in shock right now. Let’s try to be kind.

I’m a pp and I agree. This is not the time to pile on. We have no idea why he’s done this or what’s really going on.

[Anonymous]

The irony of this situation is that it seems his friends don't actually dislike you or have ill will toward you. They are all actually trying to protect you and do the right thing by you by harping on their buddy to come clean with you and/or divorce you.

The two friends who won't see you him till he divorces you are the ones that respect you the most in all this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP who said if you want to contact his friends, contact the two who don’t speak to him anymore. There’s more to this story and they might fill you in on it.

+1

Good idea!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if your really want to get into the truth of it, grab one of the two friends that won't be friends with him anymore and have them tell you what's really going on.

Because they are "standing up" for something, and I doubt they are trying to get your DH to leave you for your DH's sake.

The reason they are not speaking to your DH is because he's cheating on you, lying to you, and badmouthing you, and they don't want to support him in his behavior.

So your DH has twisted it into "they won't be friends with me until I leave you," but the truth is more likely "we won't be friends with you while you cheat on your wife. Either leave her or stop cheating."

OP, I'm not one to jump to divorce, but what gives a person strength is to have explored the other options. I've been married 20 years, and we are happily married, and it's not always been a bed of roses. But the fact that I am not afraid to leave my husband, even though I'm a SAHM and we have kids, makes me approach the marriage not out of a sense of duty or entrapment or fear, but on equal terms. Children can sense that.

I don't mean that I've ever threatened to leave, but in my mind, I've figured out what and how my and my kids' leaving would happen. I've envisioned what a good life for my kids would be like if we were divorced. Then it is really a true free choice to stay.

You would never know this, looking at us, because we seem so bonded, so happily married. And the point is, that's because WE ARE bonded and happily married. Because I'm not trapped in "must make the marriage work for the kids' sake, no matter how bad the DH behavior" mode--the mode you are in.

+1 to all of this. So perfectly worded. Staying in a marriage or ANY relationship because you are afraid of the alternative is a recipe for misery. And yea, those friends are definitely putting their foot down about something and it ain't "we don't like your wife".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if your really want to get into the truth of it, grab one of the two friends that won't be friends with him anymore and have them tell you what's really going on.

Because they are "standing up" for something, and I doubt they are trying to get your DH to leave you for your DH's sake.

The reason they are not speaking to your DH is because he's cheating on you, lying to you, and badmouthing you, and they don't want to support him in his behavior.

So your DH has twisted it into "they won't be friends with me until I leave you," but the truth is more likely "we won't be friends with you while you cheat on your wife. Either leave her or stop cheating."

OP, I'm not one to jump to divorce, but what gives a person strength is to have explored the other options. I've been married 20 years, and we are happily married, and it's not always been a bed of roses. But the fact that I am not afraid to leave my husband, even though I'm a SAHM and we have kids, makes me approach the marriage not out of a sense of duty or entrapment or fear, but on equal terms. Children can sense that.

I don't mean that I've ever threatened to leave, but in my mind, I've figured out what and how my and my kids' leaving would happen. I've envisioned what a good life for my kids would be like if we were divorced. Then it is really a true free choice to stay.

You would never know this, looking at us, because we seem so bonded, so happily married. And the point is, that's because WE ARE bonded and happily married. Because I'm not trapped in "must make the marriage work for the kids' sake, no matter how bad the DH behavior" mode--the mode you are in.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I'll get flamed for this but, OP are you from a southern hemisphere culture like certain (not all, of course) African or Italian, or Middle Eastern, south Asian--in particular African where multiple wives or 'goomars' are tolerated? That could explain how any of this happened.

Newsflash though, the is the USA, it is not the 19th century and you need to threaten to take him to court for alimony (or palimony if ur not really married) because this really is BS.

TEXT HIM A LINK TO THIS THREAD SO HE KNOWS THE DCUM POSSE KNOWS WHAT'S UP

Actually, two kids and getting pregnant before they got married? Sounds very White American or AA to me.

Immigranst minorities know better than getting pregnant before getting married.

Middle Eastern? South Asian? Really? These girls are not Putas and actually have their families watchful eyes on them..

LOL you know you are right--but the other girls are not putas--just a different culture. White girl here: my west indian (black) and south Asian friend's moms would be kicking this boy's ass so hard. My mom would too, but she's German.

[Anonymous]

Op, let me guess...

You're mostly uneducated and came from a lower class background. Not very experienced in relationships. Your goal in life was to be a wife and mom and as you got older, you became more desperate. You met your DH and looked past all his faults because you so desperately wanted to reach your goal. And now, here you are. If you work, you likely make around minimum wage and have no idea how you're going to support yourself. You have no support from family or friends because you don't bother vesting anything into those relationships. So now you're realizing that your husband doesn't care about you and has been manipulating you, but you have nothing else. So instead of trying to get yourself out of this situation, you will continue to bury your head in the sand and insist that your husband is sweet and loves you.

Please try to do better for your kids. Don't set them up to repeat the same mistakes you've made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The friends aren't the problem. The husband is the problem.

He lies to you OP, he lies to his friends, he doesn't know his own mind. He's cruel and immature.

+1

The friends have no reason to hate you unless they are jealous losers - have no women of their own, or they are too picky, or something similar. The problem is DH. You did nothing to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, we will try to go to counseling tomorrow or as soon as we can get an appointment. DH will definitely agree to that. I feel a bit emotionally exhausted and cannot imagine talking to a counselor (even this threat has been hell for me).

Obviously, I wish I could turn back time and dump him and not have had two kids at least. But, I wanted children so badly, so I wonder if I was purposefully blind to the way he was treating me and this is my fault. In any case, I can not turn back time and I am not going to make the children suffer, so I will have to somehow make it work.

This is something you should explore in individual counseling. I think it’s no coincidence that you met him when you were 30 and knew that your diagnosis of endometriosis could cause infertility.
I would also revisit your assumption that you have to stay married because of the children. How good of a dad is he?

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a narcissist and probably a psychopath to boot.

You need to get out, Op. What he has done is cruel and self serving. He is clearly out for himself and puts himself above all else. When it comes to him, you need to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I'll get flamed for this but, OP are you from a southern hemisphere culture like certain (not all, of course) African or Italian, or Middle Eastern, south Asian--in particular African where multiple wives or 'goomars' are tolerated? That could explain how any of this happened.

Newsflash though, the is the USA, it is not the 19th century and you need to threaten to take him to court for alimony (or palimony if ur not really married) because this really is BS.

TEXT HIM A LINK TO THIS THREAD SO HE KNOWS THE DCUM POSSE KNOWS WHAT'S UP

Actually, two kids and getting pregnant before they got married? Sounds very White American or AA to me.

Immigranst minorities know better than getting pregnant before getting married.

Middle Eastern? South Asian? Really? These girls are not Putas and actually have their families watchful eyes on them..

LOL you know you are right--but the other girls are not putas--just a different culture. White girl here: my west indian (black) and south Asian friend's moms would be kicking this boy's ass so hard. My mom would too, but she's German.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, we will try to go to counseling tomorrow or as soon as we can get an appointment. DH will definitely agree to that. I feel a bit emotionally exhausted and cannot imagine talking to a counselor (even this threat has been hell for me).

Obviously, I wish I could turn back time and dump him and not have had two kids at least. But, I wanted children so badly, so I wonder if I was purposefully blind to the way he was treating me and this is my fault. In any case, I can not turn back time and I am not going to make the children suffer, so I will have to somehow make it work.

This is something you should explore in individual counseling. I think it’s no coincidence that you met him when you were 30 and knew that your diagnosis of endometriosis could cause infertility.
I would also revisit your assumption that you have to stay married because of the children. How good of a dad is he?

+1

Good points. OP, WTH is his family like? Are they narcissistic a-holes like this guy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
His friends sound like they don't want him to grow up or be happy - they want him to be a bro forever. Your DH is happy being controlled by manipulative people. That is not normal.
I knew someone like this in my 20's. Thank God she didn't marry the fool.

It sounds the opposite to me. His friends have been watching him cheat on his wife for years and are done with enabling it. They want him to stop being a playboy and be responsible for his misdeeds.

[Anonymous]

I said South Asian because the moms protect the sons no matter what effed up thing they do mostly, but yeah they don't culturally tend to do this, I digress. Generalizations mean not much anyway, just trying to figure out why anyone would allow such madness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if your really want to get into the truth of it, grab one of the two friends that won't be friends with him anymore and have them tell you what's really going on.

.

I was about to suggest this! Go talk to the wives of the friends who won't see him. They will give OP the full picture.