DH's ex wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's really important for everyone responding to note that OP has not been back to this thread.

I'm the ex-wife, and my ex-husband's new wife made a rule that I wasn't allowed inside their house. Her justification was that they were "trying to build their own space" and apparently, me coming in out of the rain to get my ex to sign some paperwork about camp when picking up my daughter really disrupted "their own space" somehow.

It was a very clear signal about what she expected everyone's relationship to be going forward, and that my ex was fine with this rule was a clear signal that he cared more about her comfort than our ability to communicate cordially about DD. Other examples include that he is apparently not allowed to email me without including her on the emails. I thought it was weird that any time I emailed him, he'd write back CC-ing her so I asked him about it and he said "Wife isn't comfortable with us having any kind of private communication."

I was already remarried when they got together and frankly, her objections to me and my ex "being alone together" even in the context of an email and her refusal to allow me to enter their house at all (like, they literally make me wait on the porch if I have to bring anything there for DD or am picking her up) makes her seem pretty pathetic.

I find it very odd, but maybe you can take some time to get to know her so she isn't threatened. I'd just avoid going in the house and if paperwork needs signed ask Dad to come to your house. If she wants to come, fine, welcome her in and set the good example for your child. If she coordinates all the plans and does all the shopping, like I do, I could see him CCing or saying to me can I take care of it for both of you. My husband does that with all the stuff for his mom as I take care of 99% as he doesn't have time.

I don't see the issue with communication though and she's feeling insecure for what ever reason so maybe try to reach out to her and communicate. However, you are the parents, she is not and ultimately it is the two of you, in less it impacts her in terms of money or time.

PP here. This thread isn't about me, but sure.

My strategy at this time is simply to put the burden on him so that I don't have to deal with it at all. If I'm not allowed to enter their house and it's more comfortable for her to have me not be around at all, that's fine. He can bring DD to me and otherwise do the walking when we need to discuss a thing in person. The issue with the rain and the camp paperwork was that the paperwork had to be turned in personally on the exact day that the incident occurred, and that situation was how I found out about her "rule" that I wasn't allowed to come inside. I have tried to get to know her and also to be a person around her so she can get to know me, but she hasn't been receptive to that. That's fine too. We don't have to be best friends or friends at all. At this point, I treat her the same way that I treat people I work with who I don't really know or work with regularly - polite but not overly friendly.

The bigger issue, which I think is relevant to the OP's situation, is that when the tension came out (a couple years ago at this point), DD was old enough to know that it was happening. She was actually the one who told me that "_____ says that it's not okay for you to come inside the house." I did not and do not appreciate being put in a position where I have to explain a ridiculous rule to a small child who doesn't know how to interpret adult relationship nuances. I thought and continue to think that her communicating this to DD was inappropriate in a lot of ways and that my ex allowing that to happen was irresponsible and disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's really important for everyone responding to note that OP has not been back to this thread.

I'm the ex-wife, and my ex-husband's new wife made a rule that I wasn't allowed inside their house. Her justification was that they were "trying to build their own space" and apparently, me coming in out of the rain to get my ex to sign some paperwork about camp when picking up my daughter really disrupted "their own space" somehow.

It was a very clear signal about what she expected everyone's relationship to be going forward, and that my ex was fine with this rule was a clear signal that he cared more about her comfort than our ability to communicate cordially about DD. Other examples include that he is apparently not allowed to email me without including her on the emails. I thought it was weird that any time I emailed him, he'd write back CC-ing her so I asked him about it and he said "Wife isn't comfortable with us having any kind of private communication."

I was already remarried when they got together and frankly, her objections to me and my ex "being alone together" even in the context of an email and her refusal to allow me to enter their house at all (like, they literally make me wait on the porch if I have to bring anything there for DD or am picking her up) makes her seem pretty pathetic.

You can talk about DD without being inside their home. The emails seem a bit much but why would it bother you he was cc her? Maybe it was to let her know of upcoming plans or visits from DD. She's also parenting and is an adult in charge when DD is there. Either way we didn't allow our exes inside our home.
Would you be ok with step mom coming inside your home? If everyone is ok with that, it's perfectly fine. If one adult isn't comfortable that's ok too. People have different privacy settings and boundaries.

Frankly, I don't care how uncomfortable she was. It is unbelievably rude to make a person stand outside in the rain when they come over to pick up their child. I'm telling you, she answered the door, then said, "Wait here" and closed it in my face while she went to go find my ex. A polite person would not behave that way. I am not talking about standing around talking. I'm talking about a blanket policy of not allowing me to go inside their house for any reason or duration, period. It is weird and made me think that maybe she should have chosen a partner who had not been married and had a child with someone else previously.

She and my ex are both welcome in my home, which is also my DD's home. They are her parents too. We have had birthday parties at my house for DD, and they were both welcome and did attend without issue.

What?

My ex-husband and his new wife are just as much my daughter's parents as I and my new husband are.

I honestly don't understand this line of thinking. I mean, I don't question that you feel this way. But it is honestly incomprehensible to me that you think your husband's new wife is equal to you as a parent when it comes to your daughter.

I mean, I don't think she's EQUAL to me. But we are all DD's parents. Despite not caring for her personally and finding her insecurity about me standing in her foyer for 3 minutes pretty silly, I do respect that she loves DD, that she and DD have a relationship, and that for better or worse, my ex chose her to make a life with after our divorce. He could have chosen someone who was cruel to DD or someone who was irresponsible. I don't object to her participating in parenting decisions about DD (e.g., when we email about what camps to put DD in, when we discuss vacation timing, etc.).

But if we ran into a situation where she and I seriously disagreed about something related to DD, the decision comes down to what my ex and I agree on. The same applies to my husband, for what it's worth.

The way you explain the relationship makes sense. I still don't get the use of a word "parent" as applied to your ex's new wife, but if you're happy with this setup, that's the only thing that matters. Parents are too sacred to have anyone equal them.

I don't think camps/vacation timing is a parenting decision per se in that the new wife's participation in these decision is purely on the basis of logistics, i.e. "this time works" and "this time doesn't work."

Parenting decisions are more like, "I don't think boys should go to figure skating camps", or "I don't think girls should wear pants/have boyfriends/use lipstick", or "I don't think he/she needs to take AP classes". The appropriate response to this is "nobody cares what you think."

This is a ridiculous mentality. 'Parent' is not a sacred anything. If by parent you define it as the people who create the genetic material that makes up a child sure only two people can be a parent. But plenty of biological parents are complete pieces of crap and plenty of step parents step in and become, in the eyes of the CHILD (which is what really matters) a parent.

Regardless of who gets to make legal decisions, a stepparent is a parent. A parent that gets less thanks and has less legal standing.

If the stepparent has taken the time to have a deep and meaningful relationship with the child then saying 'nobody cares what you think' is rude and unnecessarily hurtful. Sure there are plenty of horrible stepparents like the woman that makes the PP stand out in the rain, but there are also plenty of loving and inclusive parents.

I come from a blended family and IMO literally NOTHING is gained by getting in the trenches with these stupid titles and 'who's more important' pissing contests. In fact, in my experience, which is actually quite extensive with this stuff, the more inclusive you are, the more you treat everyone like family and ignore that stuff, the more love you push into the family instead of discord? The better.

I say this as the kid. The kid who has brought my family together more than my parents by choosing to be inclusive at every event instead of exclusive and who has decided to hold my parents to a high standard of civility.

[Anonymous]

PP who can't come in the current wife's house. If the worst issue you encounter with your ex-husband's wife is that she states her preferences regarding whether you enter her house or not, you should be grateful. If she's good to your daughter, good to your ex, that's a win. It sounds like it's hard for you to let go of control, and you are overreacting, and then projecting it as some huge problem that hurts your daughter. It's you making it an issue because you are the one hurt that you can't control things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP who can't come in the current wife's house. If the worst issue you encounter with your ex-husband's wife is that she states her preferences regarding whether you enter her house or not, you should be grateful. If she's good to your daughter, good to your ex, that's a win. It sounds like it's hard for you to let go of control, and you are overreacting, and then projecting it as some huge problem that hurts your daughter. It's you making it an issue because you are the one hurt that you can't control things.

That PP is right. They're putting the kid in the middle and that is wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP never came back so maybe a troll??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP who can't come in the current wife's house. If the worst issue you encounter with your ex-husband's wife is that she states her preferences regarding whether you enter her house or not, you should be grateful. If she's good to your daughter, good to your ex, that's a win. It sounds like it's hard for you to let go of control, and you are overreacting, and then projecting it as some huge problem that hurts your daughter. It's you making it an issue because you are the one hurt that you can't control things.

She is entitled to control things that have to do with her child.

Should I ever get divorced and my DH remarry, this sort of thing would only be allowed to happen once. Second time/onwards? The ex can meet me outside the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is a ridiculous mentality. 'Parent' is not a sacred anything. If by parent you define it as the people who create the genetic material that makes up a child sure only two people can be a parent. But plenty of biological parents are complete pieces of crap and plenty of step parents step in and become, in the eyes of the CHILD (which is what really matters) a parent.

Regardless of who gets to make legal decisions, a stepparent is a parent. A parent that gets less thanks and has less legal standing.

If the stepparent has taken the time to have a deep and meaningful relationship with the child then saying 'nobody cares what you think' is rude and unnecessarily hurtful. Sure there are plenty of horrible stepparents like the woman that makes the PP stand out in the rain, but there are also plenty of loving and inclusive parents.

I come from a blended family and IMO literally NOTHING is gained by getting in the trenches with these stupid titles and 'who's more important' pissing contests. In fact, in my experience, which is actually quite extensive with this stuff, the more inclusive you are, the more you treat everyone like family and ignore that stuff, the more love you push into the family instead of discord? The better.

I say this as the kid. The kid who has brought my family together more than my parents by choosing to be inclusive at every event instead of exclusive and who has decided to hold my parents to a high standard of civility.

There is nothing rude or hurtful about telling people which decisions they do and do not get to make. Why would a stepparent get equal thanks or standing with the parent? He or she will get that with his/her own children.

I don't think this conversation is about parents who abandon the genetic child and allow the stepparents to step in and fill the void. The scenario here is two normal parents who happen to divorce and remarry to other people. These parents, yes, are sacred. Their current spouses are well intentioned adults, assuming they are. No more. This doesn't mean they can't have deep and meaningful relationship with the child - teachers can do that, neighbors can do that, parents of friends can do that. That doesn't give them equal standing to parents.

You can treat them like family. That doesn't make them family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is a ridiculous mentality. 'Parent' is not a sacred anything. If by parent you define it as the people who create the genetic material that makes up a child sure only two people can be a parent. But plenty of biological parents are complete pieces of crap and plenty of step parents step in and become, in the eyes of the CHILD (which is what really matters) a parent.

Regardless of who gets to make legal decisions, a stepparent is a parent. A parent that gets less thanks and has less legal standing.

If the stepparent has taken the time to have a deep and meaningful relationship with the child then saying 'nobody cares what you think' is rude and unnecessarily hurtful. Sure there are plenty of horrible stepparents like the woman that makes the PP stand out in the rain, but there are also plenty of loving and inclusive parents.

I come from a blended family and IMO literally NOTHING is gained by getting in the trenches with these stupid titles and 'who's more important' pissing contests. In fact, in my experience, which is actually quite extensive with this stuff, the more inclusive you are, the more you treat everyone like family and ignore that stuff, the more love you push into the family instead of discord? The better.

I say this as the kid. The kid who has brought my family together more than my parents by choosing to be inclusive at every event instead of exclusive and who has decided to hold my parents to a high standard of civility.

There is nothing rude or hurtful about telling people which decisions they do and do not get to make. Why would a stepparent get equal thanks or standing with the parent? He or she will get that with his/her own children.

I don't think this conversation is about parents who abandon the genetic child and allow the stepparents to step in and fill the void. The scenario here is two normal parents who happen to divorce and remarry to other people. These parents, yes, are sacred. Their current spouses are well intentioned adults, assuming they are. No more. This doesn't mean they can't have deep and meaningful relationship with the child - teachers can do that, neighbors can do that, parents of friends can do that. That doesn't give them equal standing to parents.

You can treat them like family. That doesn't make them family.

Short of a situation that warrants this like some stepparent stepping in and passionately arguing for 10 year old susie's ability to sky dive then I don't see the value in putting people in their place simply to do so. It may not be explicitly rude and hurtful but it isn't polite or kind. At best it is cold.

Those parents are special, agreed, but that doesn't mean that the other spouses cannot be real, involved, loving parents. They are more than teachers, more than neighbors and more than parents of friends. Do you have a stepparent? Because if not I don't think you know what you're talking about. I had two. My stepfather treated me like a daughter and came into my life at age 2. He was a parent and a deep and loving influence in my life. He wasn't some special teacher. He was invested in my future. He was my family. He died, and it was heartbreaking. I also have a stepmother. My mother behaved as you are and made sure she didn't feel like a parent and so she kept me at arm's length. As a result I have a less close relationship with her but my relationship with her is still a lifelong complex adult/child relationship. I chose to break the cycle with my children and their grandparents are all completely equal. There is no such thing as a step grandparent in our house. And my kids are better off for it, everyone is able to love without borders.

My mom still gets testy about my children't relationship with my stepmother. She wanted to dictate what 'grandparent' name she got. Effing ridiculous. These people may not be YOUR family but they ARE your child's family. Don't make them choose. That is bad for the kids and no one else. But you PP have already proven that your ego is more important than what is good for your kids. At least in this context. I hope you're not actually involved in a situation like this and are just pontificating from the safety of a happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP who can't come in the current wife's house. If the worst issue you encounter with your ex-husband's wife is that she states her preferences regarding whether you enter her house or not, you should be grateful. If she's good to your daughter, good to your ex, that's a win. It sounds like it's hard for you to let go of control, and you are overreacting, and then projecting it as some huge problem that hurts your daughter. It's you making it an issue because you are the one hurt that you can't control things.

I don't put my kid in the middle. If his preference is that I not come to his house, he can bring her to me or we can meet at a neutral location. It's totally up to him. I do think that it was irresponsible to communicate to a small child that their other parent isn't allowed to come inside. As I mentioned, she's generally a good person and I appreciate that the woman he married isn't a complete mess, that she's kind to my daughter, etc.

I'm actually not overreacting to anything. The situation I described happened 3 years ago and occurred when I came over at his request and was made to stand outside in the rain without notice. Had he mentioned that she didn't want me coming inside, I would have called from the car/suggested we meet somewhere else/any of the things we have done since then, but I literally found out about the issue in the moment and was caught flatfooted. Since then, I have respected her boundaries about her space and have not attempted to be friends with either of them. We only communicate about DD, and for the most part, that communication only happens via email because she isn't comfortable with any other kind of interaction. Since DD is older now, our schedule is structured around school. I haven't seen my ex in person since before Christmas and likely won't see him in person until I drop DD off at his house when we return from spring break next month. You think I'm "overreacting" because I posted on an internet message board about my experience in response to an OP suggesting that it's wildly inappropriate for her husband's ex to come in their house. My personal feeling is that it's better to be gracious and cordial with people who are involved in your child's life, including making them welcome in your house for short periods of time for reasons pertaining to their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is a ridiculous mentality. 'Parent' is not a sacred anything. If by parent you define it as the people who create the genetic material that makes up a child sure only two people can be a parent. But plenty of biological parents are complete pieces of crap and plenty of step parents step in and become, in the eyes of the CHILD (which is what really matters) a parent.

Regardless of who gets to make legal decisions, a stepparent is a parent. A parent that gets less thanks and has less legal standing.

If the stepparent has taken the time to have a deep and meaningful relationship with the child then saying 'nobody cares what you think' is rude and unnecessarily hurtful. Sure there are plenty of horrible stepparents like the woman that makes the PP stand out in the rain, but there are also plenty of loving and inclusive parents.

I come from a blended family and IMO literally NOTHING is gained by getting in the trenches with these stupid titles and 'who's more important' pissing contests. In fact, in my experience, which is actually quite extensive with this stuff, the more inclusive you are, the more you treat everyone like family and ignore that stuff, the more love you push into the family instead of discord? The better.

I say this as the kid. The kid who has brought my family together more than my parents by choosing to be inclusive at every event instead of exclusive and who has decided to hold my parents to a high standard of civility.

There is nothing rude or hurtful about telling people which decisions they do and do not get to make. Why would a stepparent get equal thanks or standing with the parent? He or she will get that with his/her own children.

I don't think this conversation is about parents who abandon the genetic child and allow the stepparents to step in and fill the void. The scenario here is two normal parents who happen to divorce and remarry to other people. These parents, yes, are sacred. Their current spouses are well intentioned adults, assuming they are. No more. This doesn't mean they can't have deep and meaningful relationship with the child - teachers can do that, neighbors can do that, parents of friends can do that. That doesn't give them equal standing to parents.

You can treat them like family. That doesn't make them family.

Short of a situation that warrants this like some stepparent stepping in and passionately arguing for 10 year old susie's ability to sky dive then I don't see the value in putting people in their place simply to do so. It may not be explicitly rude and hurtful but it isn't polite or kind. At best it is cold.

Those parents are special, agreed, but that doesn't mean that the other spouses cannot be real, involved, loving parents. They are more than teachers, more than neighbors and more than parents of friends. Do you have a stepparent? Because if not I don't think you know what you're talking about. I had two. My stepfather treated me like a daughter and came into my life at age 2. He was a parent and a deep and loving influence in my life. He wasn't some special teacher. He was invested in my future. He was my family. He died, and it was heartbreaking. I also have a stepmother. My mother behaved as you are and made sure she didn't feel like a parent and so she kept me at arm's length. As a result I have a less close relationship with her but my relationship with her is still a lifelong complex adult/child relationship. I chose to break the cycle with my children and their grandparents are all completely equal. There is no such thing as a step grandparent in our house. And my kids are better off for it, everyone is able to love without borders.

My mom still gets testy about my children't relationship with my stepmother. She wanted to dictate what 'grandparent' name she got. Effing ridiculous. These people may not be YOUR family but they ARE your child's family. Don't make them choose. That is bad for the kids and no one else. But you PP have already proven that your ego is more important than what is good for your kids. At least in this context. I hope you're not actually involved in a situation like this and are just pontificating from the safety of a happy marriage.

Children are not made to choose if no choice is ever presented to them.

Stepparents come and go, it's ridiculous to make the child form a lifelong attachment to something that may not be around for life. What if your father married several times? Would you have had to form a "lifelong complex adult/child relationship" with every one of them?

Also, you may think that your children are allowed to love without borders. But you are misguided if their step-grandmother has as much feeling for them as her own blood grand-children.

I've been a stepmother before while married for a few years to a man with a teenage daughter. I was nice to her, helped where I could, and took care of her while she was at our house. But it never occurred to me to want a parenting role with her. Why would I want a part in decisions that shape her life? That's for her parents to make. I'll get to that with my own children. And when I divorced her father, our relationship predictably petered out. And that's normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP who can't come in the current wife's house. If the worst issue you encounter with your ex-husband's wife is that she states her preferences regarding whether you enter her house or not, you should be grateful. If she's good to your daughter, good to your ex, that's a win. It sounds like it's hard for you to let go of control, and you are overreacting, and then projecting it as some huge problem that hurts your daughter. It's you making it an issue because you are the one hurt that you can't control things.

I don't put my kid in the middle. If his preference is that I not come to his house, he can bring her to me or we can meet at a neutral location. It's totally up to him. I do think that it was irresponsible to communicate to a small child that their other parent isn't allowed to come inside. As I mentioned, she's generally a good person and I appreciate that the woman he married isn't a complete mess, that she's kind to my daughter, etc.

I'm actually not overreacting to anything. The situation I described happened 3 years ago and occurred when I came over at his request and was made to stand outside in the rain without notice. Had he mentioned that she didn't want me coming inside, I would have called from the car/suggested we meet somewhere else/any of the things we have done since then, but I literally found out about the issue in the moment and was caught flatfooted. Since then, I have respected her boundaries about her space and have not attempted to be friends with either of them. We only communicate about DD, and for the most part, that communication only happens via email because she isn't comfortable with any other kind of interaction. Since DD is older now, our schedule is structured around school. I haven't seen my ex in person since before Christmas and likely won't see him in person until I drop DD off at his house when we return from spring break next month. You think I'm "overreacting" because I posted on an internet message board about my experience in response to an OP suggesting that it's wildly inappropriate for her husband's ex to come in their house. My personal feeling is that it's better to be gracious and cordial with people who are involved in your child's life, including making them welcome in your house for short periods of time for reasons pertaining to their child.

To be fair, your multiple long, intense, elaborate posts about the matter do give the impression that you're a bit riled up and dealing with control issues. It's not easy, as those of us who have been on both sides know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is a ridiculous mentality. 'Parent' is not a sacred anything. If by parent you define it as the people who create the genetic material that makes up a child sure only two people can be a parent. But plenty of biological parents are complete pieces of crap and plenty of step parents step in and become, in the eyes of the CHILD (which is what really matters) a parent.

Regardless of who gets to make legal decisions, a stepparent is a parent. A parent that gets less thanks and has less legal standing.

If the stepparent has taken the time to have a deep and meaningful relationship with the child then saying 'nobody cares what you think' is rude and unnecessarily hurtful. Sure there are plenty of horrible stepparents like the woman that makes the PP stand out in the rain, but there are also plenty of loving and inclusive parents.

I come from a blended family and IMO literally NOTHING is gained by getting in the trenches with these stupid titles and 'who's more important' pissing contests. In fact, in my experience, which is actually quite extensive with this stuff, the more inclusive you are, the more you treat everyone like family and ignore that stuff, the more love you push into the family instead of discord? The better.

I say this as the kid. The kid who has brought my family together more than my parents by choosing to be inclusive at every event instead of exclusive and who has decided to hold my parents to a high standard of civility.

There is nothing rude or hurtful about telling people which decisions they do and do not get to make. Why would a stepparent get equal thanks or standing with the parent? He or she will get that with his/her own children.

I don't think this conversation is about parents who abandon the genetic child and allow the stepparents to step in and fill the void. The scenario here is two normal parents who happen to divorce and remarry to other people. These parents, yes, are sacred. Their current spouses are well intentioned adults, assuming they are. No more. This doesn't mean they can't have deep and meaningful relationship with the child - teachers can do that, neighbors can do that, parents of friends can do that. That doesn't give them equal standing to parents.

You can treat them like family. That doesn't make them family.

Short of a situation that warrants this like some stepparent stepping in and passionately arguing for 10 year old susie's ability to sky dive then I don't see the value in putting people in their place simply to do so. It may not be explicitly rude and hurtful but it isn't polite or kind. At best it is cold.

Those parents are special, agreed, but that doesn't mean that the other spouses cannot be real, involved, loving parents. They are more than teachers, more than neighbors and more than parents of friends. Do you have a stepparent? Because if not I don't think you know what you're talking about. I had two. My stepfather treated me like a daughter and came into my life at age 2. He was a parent and a deep and loving influence in my life. He wasn't some special teacher. He was invested in my future. He was my family. He died, and it was heartbreaking. I also have a stepmother. My mother behaved as you are and made sure she didn't feel like a parent and so she kept me at arm's length. As a result I have a less close relationship with her but my relationship with her is still a lifelong complex adult/child relationship. I chose to break the cycle with my children and their grandparents are all completely equal. There is no such thing as a step grandparent in our house. And my kids are better off for it, everyone is able to love without borders.

My mom still gets testy about my children't relationship with my stepmother. She wanted to dictate what 'grandparent' name she got. Effing ridiculous. These people may not be YOUR family but they ARE your child's family. Don't make them choose. That is bad for the kids and no one else. But you PP have already proven that your ego is more important than what is good for your kids. At least in this context. I hope you're not actually involved in a situation like this and are just pontificating from the safety of a happy marriage.

Children are not made to choose if no choice is ever presented to them.

Stepparents come and go, it's ridiculous to make the child form a lifelong attachment to something that may not be around for life. What if your father married several times? Would you have had to form a "lifelong complex adult/child relationship" with every one of them?

Also, you may think that your children are allowed to love without borders. But you are misguided if their step-grandmother has as much feeling for them as her own blood grand-children.

I've been a stepmother before while married for a few years to a man with a teenage daughter. I was nice to her, helped where I could, and took care of her while she was at our house. But it never occurred to me to want a parenting role with her. Why would I want a part in decisions that shape her life? That's for her parents to make. I'll get to that with my own children. And when I divorced her father, our relationship predictably petered out. And that's normal.

Wow. Well that explains it. You are wrong about basically everything you just said. My stepfather was my stepfather until he died and my stepmom has now been an influence in my life for decades. If she and and my father divorced tomorrow I would still have a relationship with her as would my kids.

Obviously there are bad step parents and bad matches. But that isn't the point or the ideal. Nothing is guaranteed to be around for life, that is a pretty sad way to live your life. And my stepmother loves my kids deeply just like they are her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is a ridiculous mentality. 'Parent' is not a sacred anything. If by parent you define it as the people who create the genetic material that makes up a child sure only two people can be a parent. But plenty of biological parents are complete pieces of crap and plenty of step parents step in and become, in the eyes of the CHILD (which is what really matters) a parent.

Regardless of who gets to make legal decisions, a stepparent is a parent. A parent that gets less thanks and has less legal standing.

If the stepparent has taken the time to have a deep and meaningful relationship with the child then saying 'nobody cares what you think' is rude and unnecessarily hurtful. Sure there are plenty of horrible stepparents like the woman that makes the PP stand out in the rain, but there are also plenty of loving and inclusive parents.

I come from a blended family and IMO literally NOTHING is gained by getting in the trenches with these stupid titles and 'who's more important' pissing contests. In fact, in my experience, which is actually quite extensive with this stuff, the more inclusive you are, the more you treat everyone like family and ignore that stuff, the more love you push into the family instead of discord? The better.

I say this as the kid. The kid who has brought my family together more than my parents by choosing to be inclusive at every event instead of exclusive and who has decided to hold my parents to a high standard of civility.

There is nothing rude or hurtful about telling people which decisions they do and do not get to make. Why would a stepparent get equal thanks or standing with the parent? He or she will get that with his/her own children.

I don't think this conversation is about parents who abandon the genetic child and allow the stepparents to step in and fill the void. The scenario here is two normal parents who happen to divorce and remarry to other people. These parents, yes, are sacred. Their current spouses are well intentioned adults, assuming they are. No more. This doesn't mean they can't have deep and meaningful relationship with the child - teachers can do that, neighbors can do that, parents of friends can do that. That doesn't give them equal standing to parents.

You can treat them like family. That doesn't make them family.

Short of a situation that warrants this like some stepparent stepping in and passionately arguing for 10 year old susie's ability to sky dive then I don't see the value in putting people in their place simply to do so. It may not be explicitly rude and hurtful but it isn't polite or kind. At best it is cold.

Those parents are special, agreed, but that doesn't mean that the other spouses cannot be real, involved, loving parents. They are more than teachers, more than neighbors and more than parents of friends. Do you have a stepparent? Because if not I don't think you know what you're talking about. I had two. My stepfather treated me like a daughter and came into my life at age 2. He was a parent and a deep and loving influence in my life. He wasn't some special teacher. He was invested in my future. He was my family. He died, and it was heartbreaking. I also have a stepmother. My mother behaved as you are and made sure she didn't feel like a parent and so she kept me at arm's length. As a result I have a less close relationship with her but my relationship with her is still a lifelong complex adult/child relationship. I chose to break the cycle with my children and their grandparents are all completely equal. There is no such thing as a step grandparent in our house. And my kids are better off for it, everyone is able to love without borders.

My mom still gets testy about my children't relationship with my stepmother. She wanted to dictate what 'grandparent' name she got. Effing ridiculous. These people may not be YOUR family but they ARE your child's family. Don't make them choose. That is bad for the kids and no one else. But you PP have already proven that your ego is more important than what is good for your kids. At least in this context. I hope you're not actually involved in a situation like this and are just pontificating from the safety of a happy marriage.

Children are not made to choose if no choice is ever presented to them.

Stepparents come and go, it's ridiculous to make the child form a lifelong attachment to something that may not be around for life. What if your father married several times? Would you have had to form a "lifelong complex adult/child relationship" with every one of them?

Also, you may think that your children are allowed to love without borders. But you are misguided if their step-grandmother has as much feeling for them as her own blood grand-children.

I've been a stepmother before while married for a few years to a man with a teenage daughter. I was nice to her, helped where I could, and took care of her while she was at our house. But it never occurred to me to want a parenting role with her. Why would I want a part in decisions that shape her life? That's for her parents to make. I'll get to that with my own children. And when I divorced her father, our relationship predictably petered out. And that's normal.

Wow. Well that explains it. You are wrong about basically everything you just said. My stepfather was my stepfather until he died and my stepmom has now been an influence in my life for decades. If she and and my father divorced tomorrow I would still have a relationship with her as would my kids.

Obviously there are bad step parents and bad matches. But that isn't the point or the ideal. Nothing is guaranteed to be around for life, that is a pretty sad way to live your life. And my stepmother loves my kids deeply just like they are her own.

I notice you don't say anything about your father.

I am not wrong about the fact that your stepfather COULD have divorced your mother, and she could have married again, and in your vision of the situation, you would have acquired yet another parent.

I take it if you divorced tomorrow and your husband remarried, you would encourage your children to treat his new wife just like you, love her just like you, and allow her as much input into parenting decisions as you. She does, after all, love them just as much as you. Doesn't she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is a ridiculous mentality. 'Parent' is not a sacred anything. If by parent you define it as the people who create the genetic material that makes up a child sure only two people can be a parent. But plenty of biological parents are complete pieces of crap and plenty of step parents step in and become, in the eyes of the CHILD (which is what really matters) a parent.

Regardless of who gets to make legal decisions, a stepparent is a parent. A parent that gets less thanks and has less legal standing.

If the stepparent has taken the time to have a deep and meaningful relationship with the child then saying 'nobody cares what you think' is rude and unnecessarily hurtful. Sure there are plenty of horrible stepparents like the woman that makes the PP stand out in the rain, but there are also plenty of loving and inclusive parents.

I come from a blended family and IMO literally NOTHING is gained by getting in the trenches with these stupid titles and 'who's more important' pissing contests. In fact, in my experience, which is actually quite extensive with this stuff, the more inclusive you are, the more you treat everyone like family and ignore that stuff, the more love you push into the family instead of discord? The better.

I say this as the kid. The kid who has brought my family together more than my parents by choosing to be inclusive at every event instead of exclusive and who has decided to hold my parents to a high standard of civility.

There is nothing rude or hurtful about telling people which decisions they do and do not get to make. Why would a stepparent get equal thanks or standing with the parent? He or she will get that with his/her own children.

I don't think this conversation is about parents who abandon the genetic child and allow the stepparents to step in and fill the void. The scenario here is two normal parents who happen to divorce and remarry to other people. These parents, yes, are sacred. Their current spouses are well intentioned adults, assuming they are. No more. This doesn't mean they can't have deep and meaningful relationship with the child - teachers can do that, neighbors can do that, parents of friends can do that. That doesn't give them equal standing to parents.

You can treat them like family. That doesn't make them family.

Short of a situation that warrants this like some stepparent stepping in and passionately arguing for 10 year old susie's ability to sky dive then I don't see the value in putting people in their place simply to do so. It may not be explicitly rude and hurtful but it isn't polite or kind. At best it is cold.

Those parents are special, agreed, but that doesn't mean that the other spouses cannot be real, involved, loving parents. They are more than teachers, more than neighbors and more than parents of friends. Do you have a stepparent? Because if not I don't think you know what you're talking about. I had two. My stepfather treated me like a daughter and came into my life at age 2. He was a parent and a deep and loving influence in my life. He wasn't some special teacher. He was invested in my future. He was my family. He died, and it was heartbreaking. I also have a stepmother. My mother behaved as you are and made sure she didn't feel like a parent and so she kept me at arm's length. As a result I have a less close relationship with her but my relationship with her is still a lifelong complex adult/child relationship. I chose to break the cycle with my children and their grandparents are all completely equal. There is no such thing as a step grandparent in our house. And my kids are better off for it, everyone is able to love without borders.

My mom still gets testy about my children't relationship with my stepmother. She wanted to dictate what 'grandparent' name she got. Effing ridiculous. These people may not be YOUR family but they ARE your child's family. Don't make them choose. That is bad for the kids and no one else. But you PP have already proven that your ego is more important than what is good for your kids. At least in this context. I hope you're not actually involved in a situation like this and are just pontificating from the safety of a happy marriage.

Children are not made to choose if no choice is ever presented to them.

Stepparents come and go, it's ridiculous to make the child form a lifelong attachment to something that may not be around for life. What if your father married several times? Would you have had to form a "lifelong complex adult/child relationship" with every one of them?

Also, you may think that your children are allowed to love without borders. But you are misguided if their step-grandmother has as much feeling for them as her own blood grand-children.

I've been a stepmother before while married for a few years to a man with a teenage daughter. I was nice to her, helped where I could, and took care of her while she was at our house. But it never occurred to me to want a parenting role with her. Why would I want a part in decisions that shape her life? That's for her parents to make. I'll get to that with my own children. And when I divorced her father, our relationship predictably petered out. And that's normal.

Wow. Well that explains it. You are wrong about basically everything you just said. My stepfather was my stepfather until he died and my stepmom has now been an influence in my life for decades. If she and and my father divorced tomorrow I would still have a relationship with her as would my kids.

Obviously there are bad step parents and bad matches. But that isn't the point or the ideal. Nothing is guaranteed to be around for life, that is a pretty sad way to live your life. And my stepmother loves my kids deeply just like they are her own.

I notice you don't say anything about your father.

I am not wrong about the fact that your stepfather COULD have divorced your mother, and she could have married again, and in your vision of the situation, you would have acquired yet another parent.

I take it if you divorced tomorrow and your husband remarried, you would encourage your children to treat his new wife just like you, love her just like you, and allow her as much input into parenting decisions as you. She does, after all, love them just as much as you. Doesn't she?

I didn't mention my father because he's not really relevant. I have a close and loving relationship with him and have my entire life. He's a critical part of my life. But he hasn't died and he never obstructed my relationship with my stepfather so it wasn't relevant.

Yes I would encourage that. It would be difficult and I am positive I would be consumed by jealousy and difficult emotions at time. In order to create a world where she could grow to love them as much as I do I would try to facilitate that. Because that is what would be best for my kids. When I had them I committed to making decisions about what was best for them more important than decisions about what is best for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is a ridiculous mentality. 'Parent' is not a sacred anything. If by parent you define it as the people who create the genetic material that makes up a child sure only two people can be a parent. But plenty of biological parents are complete pieces of crap and plenty of step parents step in and become, in the eyes of the CHILD (which is what really matters) a parent.

Regardless of who gets to make legal decisions, a stepparent is a parent. A parent that gets less thanks and has less legal standing.

If the stepparent has taken the time to have a deep and meaningful relationship with the child then saying 'nobody cares what you think' is rude and unnecessarily hurtful. Sure there are plenty of horrible stepparents like the woman that makes the PP stand out in the rain, but there are also plenty of loving and inclusive parents.

I come from a blended family and IMO literally NOTHING is gained by getting in the trenches with these stupid titles and 'who's more important' pissing contests. In fact, in my experience, which is actually quite extensive with this stuff, the more inclusive you are, the more you treat everyone like family and ignore that stuff, the more love you push into the family instead of discord? The better.

I say this as the kid. The kid who has brought my family together more than my parents by choosing to be inclusive at every event instead of exclusive and who has decided to hold my parents to a high standard of civility.

There is nothing rude or hurtful about telling people which decisions they do and do not get to make. Why would a stepparent get equal thanks or standing with the parent? He or she will get that with his/her own children.

I don't think this conversation is about parents who abandon the genetic child and allow the stepparents to step in and fill the void. The scenario here is two normal parents who happen to divorce and remarry to other people. These parents, yes, are sacred. Their current spouses are well intentioned adults, assuming they are. No more. This doesn't mean they can't have deep and meaningful relationship with the child - teachers can do that, neighbors can do that, parents of friends can do that. That doesn't give them equal standing to parents.

You can treat them like family. That doesn't make them family.

Short of a situation that warrants this like some stepparent stepping in and passionately arguing for 10 year old susie's ability to sky dive then I don't see the value in putting people in their place simply to do so. It may not be explicitly rude and hurtful but it isn't polite or kind. At best it is cold.

Those parents are special, agreed, but that doesn't mean that the other spouses cannot be real, involved, loving parents. They are more than teachers, more than neighbors and more than parents of friends. Do you have a stepparent? Because if not I don't think you know what you're talking about. I had two. My stepfather treated me like a daughter and came into my life at age 2. He was a parent and a deep and loving influence in my life. He wasn't some special teacher. He was invested in my future. He was my family. He died, and it was heartbreaking. I also have a stepmother. My mother behaved as you are and made sure she didn't feel like a parent and so she kept me at arm's length. As a result I have a less close relationship with her but my relationship with her is still a lifelong complex adult/child relationship. I chose to break the cycle with my children and their grandparents are all completely equal. There is no such thing as a step grandparent in our house. And my kids are better off for it, everyone is able to love without borders.

My mom still gets testy about my children't relationship with my stepmother. She wanted to dictate what 'grandparent' name she got. Effing ridiculous. These people may not be YOUR family but they ARE your child's family. Don't make them choose. That is bad for the kids and no one else. But you PP have already proven that your ego is more important than what is good for your kids. At least in this context. I hope you're not actually involved in a situation like this and are just pontificating from the safety of a happy marriage.

Children are not made to choose if no choice is ever presented to them.

Stepparents come and go, it's ridiculous to make the child form a lifelong attachment to something that may not be around for life. What if your father married several times? Would you have had to form a "lifelong complex adult/child relationship" with every one of them?

Also, you may think that your children are allowed to love without borders. But you are misguided if their step-grandmother has as much feeling for them as her own blood grand-children.

I've been a stepmother before while married for a few years to a man with a teenage daughter. I was nice to her, helped where I could, and took care of her while she was at our house. But it never occurred to me to want a parenting role with her. Why would I want a part in decisions that shape her life? That's for her parents to make. I'll get to that with my own children. And when I divorced her father, our relationship predictably petered out. And that's normal.

Wow. Well that explains it. You are wrong about basically everything you just said. My stepfather was my stepfather until he died and my stepmom has now been an influence in my life for decades. If she and and my father divorced tomorrow I would still have a relationship with her as would my kids.

Obviously there are bad step parents and bad matches. But that isn't the point or the ideal. Nothing is guaranteed to be around for life, that is a pretty sad way to live your life. And my stepmother loves my kids deeply just like they are her own.

I notice you don't say anything about your father.

I am not wrong about the fact that your stepfather COULD have divorced your mother, and she could have married again, and in your vision of the situation, you would have acquired yet another parent.

I take it if you divorced tomorrow and your husband remarried, you would encourage your children to treat his new wife just like you, love her just like you, and allow her as much input into parenting decisions as you. She does, after all, love them just as much as you. Doesn't she?

I didn't mention my father because he's not really relevant. I have a close and loving relationship with him and have my entire life. He's a critical part of my life. But he hasn't died and he never obstructed my relationship with my stepfather so it wasn't relevant.

Yes I would encourage that. It would be difficult and I am positive I would be consumed by jealousy and difficult emotions at time. In order to create a world where she could grow to love them as much as I do I would try to facilitate that. Because that is what would be best for my kids. When I had them I committed to making decisions about what was best for them more important than decisions about what is best for me.

I'll add that there is a big difference between a steparent that comes in when the kids are 10 and under and one who enters the picture when the kids are grown or nearly there. If my mother remarried today obviously it wouldn't be a parental relationship because they did not raise me.