DH's ex wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is a ridiculous mentality. 'Parent' is not a sacred anything. If by parent you define it as the people who create the genetic material that makes up a child sure only two people can be a parent. But plenty of biological parents are complete pieces of crap and plenty of step parents step in and become, in the eyes of the CHILD (which is what really matters) a parent.

Regardless of who gets to make legal decisions, a stepparent is a parent. A parent that gets less thanks and has less legal standing.

If the stepparent has taken the time to have a deep and meaningful relationship with the child then saying 'nobody cares what you think' is rude and unnecessarily hurtful. Sure there are plenty of horrible stepparents like the woman that makes the PP stand out in the rain, but there are also plenty of loving and inclusive parents.

I come from a blended family and IMO literally NOTHING is gained by getting in the trenches with these stupid titles and 'who's more important' pissing contests. In fact, in my experience, which is actually quite extensive with this stuff, the more inclusive you are, the more you treat everyone like family and ignore that stuff, the more love you push into the family instead of discord? The better.

I say this as the kid. The kid who has brought my family together more than my parents by choosing to be inclusive at every event instead of exclusive and who has decided to hold my parents to a high standard of civility.

There is nothing rude or hurtful about telling people which decisions they do and do not get to make. Why would a stepparent get equal thanks or standing with the parent? He or she will get that with his/her own children.

I don't think this conversation is about parents who abandon the genetic child and allow the stepparents to step in and fill the void. The scenario here is two normal parents who happen to divorce and remarry to other people. These parents, yes, are sacred. Their current spouses are well intentioned adults, assuming they are. No more. This doesn't mean they can't have deep and meaningful relationship with the child - teachers can do that, neighbors can do that, parents of friends can do that. That doesn't give them equal standing to parents.

You can treat them like family. That doesn't make them family.

Short of a situation that warrants this like some stepparent stepping in and passionately arguing for 10 year old susie's ability to sky dive then I don't see the value in putting people in their place simply to do so. It may not be explicitly rude and hurtful but it isn't polite or kind. At best it is cold.

Those parents are special, agreed, but that doesn't mean that the other spouses cannot be real, involved, loving parents. They are more than teachers, more than neighbors and more than parents of friends. Do you have a stepparent? Because if not I don't think you know what you're talking about. I had two. My stepfather treated me like a daughter and came into my life at age 2. He was a parent and a deep and loving influence in my life. He wasn't some special teacher. He was invested in my future. He was my family. He died, and it was heartbreaking. I also have a stepmother. My mother behaved as you are and made sure she didn't feel like a parent and so she kept me at arm's length. As a result I have a less close relationship with her but my relationship with her is still a lifelong complex adult/child relationship. I chose to break the cycle with my children and their grandparents are all completely equal. There is no such thing as a step grandparent in our house. And my kids are better off for it, everyone is able to love without borders.

My mom still gets testy about my children't relationship with my stepmother. She wanted to dictate what 'grandparent' name she got. Effing ridiculous. These people may not be YOUR family but they ARE your child's family. Don't make them choose. That is bad for the kids and no one else. But you PP have already proven that your ego is more important than what is good for your kids. At least in this context. I hope you're not actually involved in a situation like this and are just pontificating from the safety of a happy marriage.

PP, I have to say, you sound incredibly reasonable, rational and compassionate. If I had a stepmother (I don't) or if I were divorced (I'm not)and my kids has a stepmother I'd be thrilled if she acted and thought like this. The PP you're going back and forth with? Not so much. Stepparents the same as cherished teachers? Yeah, that's healthy.

[Anonymous]

PP, I have to say, you sound incredibly reasonable, rational and compassionate. If I had a stepmother (I don't) or if I were divorced (I'm not)and my kids has a stepmother I'd be thrilled if she acted and thought like this. The PP you're going back and forth with? Not so much. Stepparents the same as cherished teachers? Yeah, that's healthy.

Thank you PP. I am on here frequently arguing for civility in blended families because of my history, usually with people who seem to not hear me Its nice to know some people are hearing what I'm saying!

[Anonymous]

Step parents don't love their step kids like their biological own. They just can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step parents don't love their step kids like their biological own. They just can't.

So what if they can't? Nobody will dissect them to see inside their hearts. If they treat them with love, that is good enough.

And the kids know who the biological parents are vs. the step parents. It doesn't stop the kids from cherishing a parental relationship with a step parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step parents don't love their step kids like their biological own. They just can't.

Why can’t they? Is it only real love if it’s biological? Can adoptive parents love their adopted kids? What if they have a biological child after adopting? Will they have to love the adopted child less?

I have a stepdad who loves me more than my biological dad ever pretended to love me. I have a half sister who is the child of my mom and stepdad, and he doesn’t love her more. PP is full of shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't mention my father because he's not really relevant. I have a close and loving relationship with him and have my entire life. He's a critical part of my life. But he hasn't died and he never obstructed my relationship with my stepfather so it wasn't relevant.

Yes I would encourage that. It would be difficult and I am positive I would be consumed by jealousy and difficult emotions at time. In order to create a world where she could grow to love them as much as I do I would try to facilitate that. Because that is what would be best for my kids. When I had them I committed to making decisions about what was best for them more important than decisions about what is best for me.

I do not believe you when you say you would willingly cede equal decision-making power in your kids' life to another woman. Sorry. You're lying.

And I don't believe it is best for the kids to have a case of magically multiplying "parents". Kids need clarity and structure. Mom. Dad. The rest of the world. That doesn't preclude amicable relationships with other adults. But parents stand apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

PP, I have to say, you sound incredibly reasonable, rational and compassionate. If I had a stepmother (I don't) or if I were divorced (I'm not)and my kids has a stepmother I'd be thrilled if she acted and thought like this. The PP you're going back and forth with? Not so much. Stepparents the same as cherished teachers? Yeah, that's healthy.

Thank you PP. I am on here frequently arguing for civility in blended families because of my history, usually with people who seem to not hear me Its nice to know some people are hearing what I'm saying!

No one is arguing against civility here, you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is a ridiculous mentality. 'Parent' is not a sacred anything. If by parent you define it as the people who create the genetic material that makes up a child sure only two people can be a parent. But plenty of biological parents are complete pieces of crap and plenty of step parents step in and become, in the eyes of the CHILD (which is what really matters) a parent.

Regardless of who gets to make legal decisions, a stepparent is a parent. A parent that gets less thanks and has less legal standing.

If the stepparent has taken the time to have a deep and meaningful relationship with the child then saying 'nobody cares what you think' is rude and unnecessarily hurtful. Sure there are plenty of horrible stepparents like the woman that makes the PP stand out in the rain, but there are also plenty of loving and inclusive parents.

I come from a blended family and IMO literally NOTHING is gained by getting in the trenches with these stupid titles and 'who's more important' pissing contests. In fact, in my experience, which is actually quite extensive with this stuff, the more inclusive you are, the more you treat everyone like family and ignore that stuff, the more love you push into the family instead of discord? The better.

I say this as the kid. The kid who has brought my family together more than my parents by choosing to be inclusive at every event instead of exclusive and who has decided to hold my parents to a high standard of civility.

There is nothing rude or hurtful about telling people which decisions they do and do not get to make. Why would a stepparent get equal thanks or standing with the parent? He or she will get that with his/her own children.

I don't think this conversation is about parents who abandon the genetic child and allow the stepparents to step in and fill the void. The scenario here is two normal parents who happen to divorce and remarry to other people. These parents, yes, are sacred. Their current spouses are well intentioned adults, assuming they are. No more. This doesn't mean they can't have deep and meaningful relationship with the child - teachers can do that, neighbors can do that, parents of friends can do that. That doesn't give them equal standing to parents.

You can treat them like family. That doesn't make them family.

Short of a situation that warrants this like some stepparent stepping in and passionately arguing for 10 year old susie's ability to sky dive then I don't see the value in putting people in their place simply to do so. It may not be explicitly rude and hurtful but it isn't polite or kind. At best it is cold.

Those parents are special, agreed, but that doesn't mean that the other spouses cannot be real, involved, loving parents. They are more than teachers, more than neighbors and more than parents of friends. Do you have a stepparent? Because if not I don't think you know what you're talking about. I had two. My stepfather treated me like a daughter and came into my life at age 2. He was a parent and a deep and loving influence in my life. He wasn't some special teacher. He was invested in my future. He was my family. He died, and it was heartbreaking. I also have a stepmother. My mother behaved as you are and made sure she didn't feel like a parent and so she kept me at arm's length. As a result I have a less close relationship with her but my relationship with her is still a lifelong complex adult/child relationship. I chose to break the cycle with my children and their grandparents are all completely equal. There is no such thing as a step grandparent in our house. And my kids are better off for it, everyone is able to love without borders.

My mom still gets testy about my children't relationship with my stepmother. She wanted to dictate what 'grandparent' name she got. Effing ridiculous. These people may not be YOUR family but they ARE your child's family. Don't make them choose. That is bad for the kids and no one else. But you PP have already proven that your ego is more important than what is good for your kids. At least in this context. I hope you're not actually involved in a situation like this and are just pontificating from the safety of a happy marriage.

PP, I have to say, you sound incredibly reasonable, rational and compassionate. If I had a stepmother (I don't) or if I were divorced (I'm not)and my kids has a stepmother I'd be thrilled if she acted and thought like this. The PP you're going back and forth with? Not so much. Stepparents the same as cherished teachers? Yeah, that's healthy.

You're lying, too. If you were divorced, and your husband's new wife told you, "hey, I'm as much of a mother to your children as you are, so I am entitled to the same decision-making power and influence upon your kids that you are", you would not be thrilled. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't mention my father because he's not really relevant. I have a close and loving relationship with him and have my entire life. He's a critical part of my life. But he hasn't died and he never obstructed my relationship with my stepfather so it wasn't relevant.

Yes I would encourage that. It would be difficult and I am positive I would be consumed by jealousy and difficult emotions at time. In order to create a world where she could grow to love them as much as I do I would try to facilitate that. Because that is what would be best for my kids. When I had them I committed to making decisions about what was best for them more important than decisions about what is best for me.

I do not believe you when you say you would willingly cede equal decision-making power in your kids' life to another woman. Sorry. You're lying.

And I don't believe it is best for the kids to have a case of magically multiplying "parents". Kids need clarity and structure. Mom. Dad. The rest of the world. That doesn't preclude amicable relationships with other adults. But parents stand apart.

Not always.

When the bio parent is selfish/unhinged/miserable, etc. chances are the kids will happily attach to the step-parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's really important for everyone responding to note that OP has not been back to this thread.

I'm the ex-wife, and my ex-husband's new wife made a rule that I wasn't allowed inside their house. Her justification was that they were "trying to build their own space" and apparently, me coming in out of the rain to get my ex to sign some paperwork about camp when picking up my daughter really disrupted "their own space" somehow.

It was a very clear signal about what she expected everyone's relationship to be going forward, and that my ex was fine with this rule was a clear signal that he cared more about her comfort than our ability to communicate cordially about DD. Other examples include that he is apparently not allowed to email me without including her on the emails. I thought it was weird that any time I emailed him, he'd write back CC-ing her so I asked him about it and he said "Wife isn't comfortable with us having any kind of private communication."

I was already remarried when they got together and frankly, her objections to me and my ex "being alone together" even in the context of an email and her refusal to allow me to enter their house at all (like, they literally make me wait on the porch if I have to bring anything there for DD or am picking her up) makes her seem pretty pathetic.

I find it very odd, but maybe you can take some time to get to know her so she isn't threatened. I'd just avoid going in the house and if paperwork needs signed ask Dad to come to your house. If she wants to come, fine, welcome her in and set the good example for your child. If she coordinates all the plans and does all the shopping, like I do, I could see him CCing or saying to me can I take care of it for both of you. My husband does that with all the stuff for his mom as I take care of 99% as he doesn't have time.

I don't see the issue with communication though and she's feeling insecure for what ever reason so maybe try to reach out to her and communicate. However, you are the parents, she is not and ultimately it is the two of you, in less it impacts her in terms of money or time.

PP here. This thread isn't about me, but sure.

My strategy at this time is simply to put the burden on him so that I don't have to deal with it at all. If I'm not allowed to enter their house and it's more comfortable for her to have me not be around at all, that's fine. He can bring DD to me and otherwise do the walking when we need to discuss a thing in person. The issue with the rain and the camp paperwork was that the paperwork had to be turned in personally on the exact day that the incident occurred, and that situation was how I found out about her "rule" that I wasn't allowed to come inside. I have tried to get to know her and also to be a person around her so she can get to know me, but she hasn't been receptive to that. That's fine too. We don't have to be best friends or friends at all. At this point, I treat her the same way that I treat people I work with who I don't really know or work with regularly - polite but not overly friendly.

The bigger issue, which I think is relevant to the OP's situation, is that when the tension came out (a couple years ago at this point), DD was old enough to know that it was happening. She was actually the one who told me that "_____ says that it's not okay for you to come inside the house." I did not and do not appreciate being put in a position where I have to explain a ridiculous rule to a small child who doesn't know how to interpret adult relationship nuances. I thought and continue to think that her communicating this to DD was inappropriate in a lot of ways and that my ex allowing that to happen was irresponsible and disrespectful.

If it is their time, you should let them know you are coming over and have them approve it. You shouldn't go over unannounced and you shouldn't enter the house if you know they do not want you there. From now on, you meet at your house or a neutral place. You scan/email paperwork and he can do teh same to return it. It is a bit silly to ban you from the house but there may be more to the story than you are saying or she's uncomfortable and either way respect the boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP who can't come in the current wife's house. If the worst issue you encounter with your ex-husband's wife is that she states her preferences regarding whether you enter her house or not, you should be grateful. If she's good to your daughter, good to your ex, that's a win. It sounds like it's hard for you to let go of control, and you are overreacting, and then projecting it as some huge problem that hurts your daughter. It's you making it an issue because you are the one hurt that you can't control things.

Saying that a little girls mom isn't allowed in your house in front of her (when she also lives in that house with her father) is pretty hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP who can't come in the current wife's house. If the worst issue you encounter with your ex-husband's wife is that she states her preferences regarding whether you enter her house or not, you should be grateful. If she's good to your daughter, good to your ex, that's a win. It sounds like it's hard for you to let go of control, and you are overreacting, and then projecting it as some huge problem that hurts your daughter. It's you making it an issue because you are the one hurt that you can't control things.

Saying that a little girls mom isn't allowed in your house in front of her (when she also lives in that house with her father) is pretty hurtful.

The poster didn't go into detail, so for all we know, the child overheard what was meant to be a private conversation. If my child told me that they'd heard their stepmother say she doesn't want me in her house, I'd have calmly said she sounds like someone who needs a lot of privacy and personal space, and everyone has a right to that, if that's their preference. I wouldn't be complaining on a forum about it years later. But then, I'm not a control freak.