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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

This is a ridiculous mentality. 'Parent' is not a sacred anything. If by parent you define it as the people who create the genetic material that makes up a child sure only two people can be a parent. But plenty of biological parents are complete pieces of crap and plenty of step parents step in and become, in the eyes of the CHILD (which is what really matters) a parent.

Regardless of who gets to make legal decisions, a stepparent is a parent. A parent that gets less thanks and has less legal standing.

If the stepparent has taken the time to have a deep and meaningful relationship with the child then saying 'nobody cares what you think' is rude and unnecessarily hurtful. Sure there are plenty of horrible stepparents like the woman that makes the PP stand out in the rain, but there are also plenty of loving and inclusive parents.

I come from a blended family and IMO literally NOTHING is gained by getting in the trenches with these stupid titles and 'who's more important' pissing contests. In fact, in my experience, which is actually quite extensive with this stuff, the more inclusive you are, the more you treat everyone like family and ignore that stuff, the more love you push into the family instead of discord? The better.

I say this as the kid. The kid who has brought my family together more than my parents by choosing to be inclusive at every event instead of exclusive and who has decided to hold my parents to a high standard of civility.[/quote]

There is nothing rude or hurtful about telling people which decisions they do and do not get to make. Why would a stepparent get equal thanks or standing with the parent? He or she will get that with his/her own children.

I don't think this conversation is about parents who abandon the genetic child and allow the stepparents to step in and fill the void. The scenario here is two normal parents who happen to divorce and remarry to other people.  These parents, yes, are sacred.  Their current spouses are well intentioned adults, assuming they are. No more. This doesn't mean they can't have deep and meaningful relationship with the child - teachers can do that, neighbors can do that, parents of friends can do that. That doesn't give them equal standing to parents.

You can treat them like family. That doesn't make them family.[/quote]

Short of a situation that warrants this like some stepparent stepping in and passionately arguing for 10 year old susie's ability to sky dive then I don't see the value in putting people in their place simply to do so. It may not be explicitly rude and hurtful but it isn't polite or kind. At best it is cold.

Those parents are special, agreed, but that doesn't mean that the other spouses cannot be real, involved, loving parents. They are more than teachers, more than neighbors and more than parents of friends. Do you have a stepparent? Because if not I don't think you know what you're talking about. I had two. My stepfather treated me like a daughter and came into my life at age 2. He was a parent and a deep and loving influence in my life. He wasn't some special teacher. He was invested in my future. He was my family. He died, and it was heartbreaking. I also have a stepmother. My mother behaved as you are and made sure she didn't feel like a parent and so she kept me at arm's length. As a result I have a less close relationship with her but my relationship with her is still a lifelong complex adult/child relationship. I chose to break the cycle with my children and their grandparents are all completely equal. There is no such thing as a step grandparent in our house. And my kids are better off for it, everyone is able to love without borders.

My mom still gets testy about my children't relationship with my stepmother. She wanted to dictate what 'grandparent' name she got. Effing ridiculous. These people may not be YOUR family but they ARE your child's family. Don't make them choose. That is bad for the kids and no one else. But you PP have already proven that your ego is more important than what is good for your kids. At least in this context. I hope you're not actually involved in a situation like this and are just pontificating from the safety of a happy marriage.[/quote]

Children are not made to choose if no choice is ever presented to them.

Stepparents come and go, it's ridiculous to make the child form a lifelong attachment to something that may not be around for life. What if your father married several times? Would you have had to form a "lifelong complex adult/child relationship" with every one of them?

Also, you may think that your children are allowed to love without borders. But you are misguided if their step-grandmother has as much feeling for them as her own blood grand-children.

I've been a stepmother before while married for a few years to a man with a teenage daughter.  I was nice to her, helped where I could, and took care of her while she was at our house. But it never occurred to me to want a parenting role with her.  Why would I want a part in decisions that shape her life? That's for her parents to make. I'll get to that with my own children.  And when I divorced her father, our relationship predictably petered out. And that's normal. [/quote]

Wow. Well that explains it. You are wrong about basically everything you just said. My stepfather was my stepfather until he died and my stepmom has now been an influence in my life for decades. If she and and my father divorced tomorrow I would still have a relationship with her as would my kids.

Obviously there are bad step parents and bad matches. But that isn't the point or the ideal. Nothing is guaranteed to be around for life, that is a pretty sad way to live your life. And my stepmother loves my kids deeply just like they are her own. [/quote]
I notice you don't say anything about your father.

I am not wrong about the fact that your stepfather COULD have divorced your mother, and she could have married again, and in your vision of the situation, you would have acquired yet another parent.

I take it if you divorced tomorrow and your husband remarried, you would encourage your children to treat his new wife just like you, love her just like you, and allow her as much input into parenting decisions as you. She does, after all, love them just as much as you. Doesn't she? [/quote]

I didn't mention my father because he's not really relevant. I have a close and loving relationship with him and have my entire life. He's a critical part of my life. But he hasn't died and he never obstructed my relationship with my stepfather so it wasn't relevant.

Yes I would encourage that. It would be difficult and I am positive I would be consumed by jealousy and difficult emotions at time. In order to create a world where she could grow to love them as much as I do I would try to facilitate that. Because that is what would be best for my kids. When I had them I committed to making decisions about what was best for them more important than decisions about what is best for me.[/quote]

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