Marriage without sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give her a hall pass.

The novelty of sex with someone new will revive her interest in sex with you.

It sounds counter intuitive but it really does work that way.

Oh bullshit. She will regard sleeping with her husband as "cheating on her AP". And in any case, what self-respecting man would put up with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 56 years old. My wife gets how, if I have to go without I become one ornery bastard

Yes, of course, all women understand that men hate it if they are denied sex. But they do it anyway. Because women are sadistic. They enjoy abusing the power of denying sex to their husbands and watching them crawl away butthurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 56 years old. My wife gets how, if I have to go without I become one ornery bastard

Yes, of course, all women understand that men hate it if they are denied sex. But they do it anyway. Because women are sadistic. They enjoy abusing the power of denying sex to their husbands and watching them crawl away butthurt.

You really do not advance the conversation when you make such ridiculous overstatements.

- DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 56 years old. My wife gets how, if I have to go without I become one ornery bastard

Wow what a rut she is in. She knows she has to do the duty sex to keep her life style, but no doubt hopes to be a young widow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you think people have regular sex all through their lives like in their 80s? Men start getting ED starting in their 40s. Women go through menopause. Ask your doctor. What OP is describing is pretty common and normal.

Your marriage WILL change at some point and that's in many areas. You don't throw it away just because of 1 thing. OP does have a good marriage. Sometimes it's get's old, maybe she's not attracted that way to him anymore, possibly she'd rather be doing other things. Hard to say, but as you age you're not necessarily attracted to a "old" partner though you may be old. If I'm 70 I sure as heck still don't want to shag a 70 year old. Not even duty shagging, lol.

OP I think you are giving it too much importance at your age. Many on here are miserable and probably never had a long term relationship. Once you get into your 50's your big concern is your health holding out, and living to enjoy your grand-kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We have two kids. We have a good marriage in all respects except one: we very rarely have sex anymore, because she very rarely wants to. I still love her very much, in the romantic/sexual meaning of the word, but I think it's fair to say my wife loves me only as her partner in raising kids. Not that she's said it in so many words. But she doesn't have to. We've talked about the sex issue a bunch of times, but it's never gotten us anywhere, and now I'm all talked out. At this point it's just embarrassing to have to bring it up. I think she would be hurt very much if I had an affair, and I don't want to do that to her. So what do I do? Is there anyone out there with experience making a marriage like this work somehow?

Tell her how you feel and make an appointment with a marriage counselor/sex therapist. Do this before you resort to having an affair. With counseling and work, things can become better and if they don't or she's checked out, well then you have your marching orders and can discuss open marriage arrangements or divorce.

He already has told her, like many women she doesnt care how he feels. Her feeling are the most important thing and her feels dictate what she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step 1: Show real appreciation for everything she does for the family, house and you. Never stop doing this.
Step 2: Start taking things off her plate and onto yours. Get to 50/50.
Step 3: Start 2-3 date nights a month, you plan them and get sitter. Never stop doing this.
Step 4: Go on sexy weekend trip. Tease her beforehand.

Point is, she lost attraction to something. Not you per se, but maybe some dynamic going on or building up. COmmunication, picking up after you, trust in your word. You can do this!

HORRIBLE ADVICE, never ever works. You arent going to a55 kiss your way to desire. May be get some pathetic pity sex. OP needs to work on himself, not let his life revolve around her and reinforce her lack of desire for him. Its really transparent and begging is not attractive. If she sees he isn't hanging on waiting for a chance to have sex and is working on himself the realization he can and may leave will sink in.

And jerk off in the meantime?

Yes. But also start improving his flirtation skills. Start talking to women. Cold approach them. Get their numbers (but don't call them). Once he gets to the point where he's absolutely sure he can get other women, the improvement in his confidence is highly likely to change his wife's attitude about him.

NP. I actually sort of agree with this advice, but not quite as aggressive as PP describes it. Get yourself in a place where you are as attractive as possible (whether by exercise or diet or grooming or whatever you need), and put yourself in a position where you're able to meet other people and engage with them (join a book club or whatever you do). Don't cheat, because you're not an asshole, but put yourself in a position where you show yourself that you are attractive to others and that others would want you if you're open to it. This will improve your self confidence immeasurably, and you'll develop your depth of personality by having a life outside your marriage. Your wife (probably) will be attracted to the self confidence and to the attractive you, and also may realize she is lucky to have you when she sees others are interested. At best, this may rekindle your relationship with your wife. At worst, your wife won't care, but then you'll realize she's just not committed to your relationship anymore, and you're in a good position to find someone else who appreciates you.

This is very similar to advice online and in books for women who want to "affair proof" their marriages, or whose husbands have cheated. Work on making yourself the best you, and develop a space for yourself outside the marriage. That will make you more attractive to your partner.

This. Women are attracted to what they think other women want and are motivated by that fear that other women are ready to move in on her.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think talking about it, going to a therapist, etc. will make her do something she doesn't want to do? Whether she never liked it, or what the reason her behavior is unlikely to change. If most people like dogs, and you don't can your mind be changed?

My husband doesn't like to take out the garbage, and he won't change diapers. Can I take him to a shrink to change that???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step 1: Show real appreciation for everything she does for the family, house and you. Never stop doing this.
Step 2: Start taking things off her plate and onto yours. Get to 50/50.
Step 3: Start 2-3 date nights a month, you plan them and get sitter. Never stop doing this.
Step 4: Go on sexy weekend trip. Tease her beforehand.

Point is, she lost attraction to something. Not you per se, but maybe some dynamic going on or building up. COmmunication, picking up after you, trust in your word. You can do this!

HORRIBLE ADVICE, never ever works. You arent going to a55 kiss your way to desire. May be get some pathetic pity sex. OP needs to work on himself, not let his life revolve around her and reinforce her lack of desire for him. Its really transparent and begging is not attractive. If she sees he isn't hanging on waiting for a chance to have sex and is working on himself the realization he can and may leave will sink in.

It is very clear that the above is TERRIBLE ADVICE. it may make her feel guilty if she cheats on him (because he's such a kind and supportive husband), but sexual attraction in women has little to do with the guy being really nice and doing date nights. I not only have first hand experience, I have witnessed it in others, and have studied the issues very closely at the time I was going through something similar. My (ex) wife ended up having an affair even as I was trying to entice her by being more and more nice.

Another poster mentioned this, but it is true, women like this will be very sexually attracted to men, just not to YOU. This issue has been raised on here many times and someone found a book or article I think about women's attraction to their mates fading in marriages, whereas a typical faithful guy will be happy banging her until he dies.

Women talk a lot about how bad men are, and in a lot cases its true. However it seems most women have one thing in common, they act like petualant children that need constant entertainment and validation to be happy about their relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a wife that doesn't get sex. He has zero interest in sex. He's a great partner otherwise, cooks, cleans, takes care of me and the family in all ways. Celebrates anniversaries, bdays, valentines day, surprises me with getaways, treats, flowers, nice dinners at home (he's a great cook) and fancy dinners out, he does projects at home, is a great provider, is not a slob. We cuddle, we kiss, we say we love each other, we are best friends, but sex is non existent. He has no interest in sex. So, this is the life I accept. If he didn't do all that he does AND no sex, then forget it. If this is the balance that I have to live with, then I will. I have not gained weight. I am in better shape than I've ever been, I go to the gym, yoga, craft, garden, play golf, run (we play golf and run together), I'm 46 and get hit on by 33 year olds when I am out with my girlfriends. I know I'm attractive and I can get some side sex if I want it. I also make 6 figures and know that I CAN be fine on my own. I choose this life now and am happy with it. You have to weigh the pro's/con's of every situation and decide what is carries more weight of importance with you. I'm not going to break up my family because I want to get laid. I can take care of that on my own, and do so several times a week.

Is he attractive? Why doesn’t he want to have sex?

He's still completely hot. I'm still completely hot. He has zero drive, and zero desire to change his drive. He's never been a high drive person, but he was at one point down for once a week sex (I prefer 3-4 times a week). He's 52, but acts like he's 70 as far as goes to bed by 9p every night (in his pj' on the couch relaxing for the night by 8pm. He needs 9-10 hrs of sleep each night. Yes he likes dinner by 5p daily

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, she's bored with having sex with you. She still loves you, but after the 2,000th time of having sex with you, it's a chore, not a pleasure. It's not your fault, it's nothing personal. Men always trumpet about how they need variety, blah blah blah, but in fact science has shown that monogamy is more difficult for women, because we have reactive sexual response--something needs to trigger us to want to have sex, rather than just an innate desire (which men have thanks to testosterone). As her husband, you are like her favorite pair of sweatpants--comfortable, familiar, beloved, but not sexy or exciting.

You are probably right she is bored. Stability bores women, in fact everything they typically say they want in a man is a lie in sexual terms. The most arousing traits in men in study after study are all dominate, aggressive and self-centered traits. Science has not shown "monogamy is more difficult for women", not even close, it has shown women use sex to win approval or secure what they want and as validation. Feeling a man wont leave and is 100% faithful (ironically a trait among the least sexually attractive according to women) is boring, no need for desire. "we have reactive sexual response--something needs to trigger us to want to have sex" yes like wanting to secure attention, loyalty, validation or.................. another woman may take your man. Women want what they think other women want because ultimately they hate each other. More like petulant children than logical adults.

Not it at all. Women are about stability, and family...less about the man. Having to keep the man child happy is part of that deal. Many know they have to walk the walk to get what they want. Once women get older they tire of having to keep the child satisfied, and pretending becomes harder. It's not the man they fear will leave. It's the instability and life style that can be negatively affected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men really need to understand that women feel so much pressure to have babies when they're at the fertile best. Women sometimes will "settle" on a marriage, to have the babies. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, OP. Men are just clueless when it comes to women. Some women enjoy sex. Some women enjoy sex only with men they're very attracted to (and no, the MGTOW morons are wrong that abusers and bullies and jerks are attractive to women).

I've been told by women that they "settled" when they married their husbands, because the clock was ticking and they wanted to have kids. Or their finances weren't in order. Or they were going back to school.

You're not getting it. If it wasn't there before, what makes you think it's going to be there now?

Couples need those hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other memories from when they first started dating to get through the drudgery of married life over the long haul. And things will improve.

However, if you never had that hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other time in your relationship, what makes you think after 14 years it's her hormones or stress from having kids?

This is so true. My husband is a great person. Love him. Great father. We have wonderful kids, we are settled down, in our early 50s. But I never ever had the hot sexy can't keep my hands off you sex with him (I think he did with me, but, that's for him to say). And now I can't even imagine it. I certainly can imagine it with others ....

So you are a user. You know full well you went into a marriage giving him the impression you were in "Great father. We have wonderful kids, we are settled down, in our early 50s. But I never ever had the hot sexy can't keep my hands off you " type love but he was safe ,boring and stable. Women have to live this lie or their ride will end. You should tell him everything you wrote and see how well your marriage goes. You wont because the lie is what holds it together.

[b]
It’s a tough spot for these women with well developed marriages and kids. If they cheat with expectation of leaving they will know that their affair partner will just cheat on them and they’ll end up divorced and left then without anything. Women might give men a second chance if they cheat but men will instantly divorce a cheating wife. The dead bedroom problem has to be fixed for you, ORiginal poster.

Are you serious, finding a way to make it about the poor woman. The women in these situations create that situation, nothing poor about them. They are usually the ones that neglect their marriage because they "have so much to do". They largely overestimate their market value and think they deserve a better man and/or overvalue their contribution to the marriage and undervalue their spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you do manage to get her in the sack, you need to give her the experience of a lifetime. I mean a full on hour of making her feel more satisfied than she ever has. That’ll cure your dilema, bro.

No she will just say sh*t this takes too long and really lose interest. Remember the average American woman thinks they deserve to have the top 1% of men. They are for the large part mental. This is mentality is uniquely to American females.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you do manage to get her in the sack, you need to give her the experience of a lifetime. I mean a full on hour of making her feel more satisfied than she ever has. That’ll cure your dilema, bro.

No she will just say sh*t this takes too long and really lose interest. Remember the average American woman thinks they deserve to have the top 1% of men. They are for the large part mental. This is mentality is uniquely to American females.

Well, she can fantasize about whatever or whoever she wants as long as I’m the one in the physical moment. Guys do this too. But I doubt women ever fantasize about guys doing chores. There is some truth, maybe, to the notion that if a woman is too comfy with her DH she’ll respect him less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step 1: Show real appreciation for everything she does for the family, house and you. Never stop doing this.
Step 2: Start taking things off her plate and onto yours. Get to 50/50.
Step 3: Start 2-3 date nights a month, you plan them and get sitter. Never stop doing this.
Step 4: Go on sexy weekend trip. Tease her beforehand.

Point is, she lost attraction to something. Not you per se, but maybe some dynamic going on or building up. COmmunication, picking up after you, trust in your word. You can do this!

HORRIBLE ADVICE, never ever works. You arent going to a55 kiss your way to desire. May be get some pathetic pity sex. OP needs to work on himself, not let his life revolve around her and reinforce her lack of desire for him. Its really transparent and begging is not attractive. If she sees he isn't hanging on waiting for a chance to have sex and is working on himself the realization he can and may leave will sink in.

And jerk off in the meantime?

Maybe, that's what he is doing now and would be doing following the sh**-show advice and only make him look weaker. Amazing how women's advice is usually do more for her, kiss her butt more its just more of the same that hasn't worked for these guys before. That must be why there are so many of the "nice guys" that bend over backwards yet no women want anything to do with them. Weakness is not attractive and blatant begging like that advice is no more attractive on a spouse than a random "nice" lonely guy.

I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. I agree that choreplay isn't enough, but part of "working on yourself" is becoming a functional adult, which means taking on household duties. He can get in incredible shape and have women throwing themselves at hime left and right, but if at home he still acts like an entitled child and expects his wife to play mommy to him while he lounges around doing whatever he wants, she's still not going to be interested.

Best choice is to act similar to the way you did when first dating. You probably worked out regularly, dressed nicely, worked hard at your job, and had interests and hobbies. You also probably planned fun dates, pulled your own weight around the house if you had roommates, cleaned up after yourself so others wouldn't have to, showed appreciation when people did nice things for you, and were generally an enjoyable person to be around.

"Choreplay" is nonsense, look at studies that show a correlation between the more housework a man does the less sex he has. (Despite the "kiss my a55 and maybe I will give a pity lay, until the novelty of choreplay wears off" crowd) Why do you make the assumption he is not a "functional adult? Typical female nonsense pretending men do not clean up behind themselves. If your husband "is not a functional adult" and a slob, thats your bad judgement for picking him. Your advice at the end is good but oddly women seems to think they do not need act similarly to when they first dated. Men act like that because you inspired them to act that way towards you in the beginning, not because breathin the same air as you is a treat.