How can I get DW to work more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Single mom here, I do and know all these things, with a full time job and no spouse.

+1

Yes, single moms do shoulder a lot. I don't understand what point you want to make in this thread, though. Are you suggesting that married moms who work full-time should be grateful they have a husband, even if doesn't carry his fair share of chidcare and housework?

When you are married the equation changes. Fairness and equity become issues in the marriage.

Married couples are entitled to fairness as they define it.

It's a little ridiculous when the SAHM set whines about how they can't possibly go back to work because they have to schedule and manage their outsourced home and childcare.

[Anonymous]

NP. I didn't read too many of the other posts. Both of you should meet with a financial planner. That person can very concretely talk with you about your mutual goals for the future and how close, or far, you are from meeting them. I think seeing some projections would be more helpful than a general sense of her "knowing you could use the money."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

You sound defensive and braggy at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

What is your HHI?

They don't live in Dc.

Their bar for success is ridiculously low: avoid drugs alcohol, pregnancy, and flunking out. This is not DC. I would guess there was alcohol but kids were discrete. I know MANY working parents who achieved same outcomes. But in lower income areas it is much harder.
Grand'baby' at 50 - crazy young and who says grandbaby: southerners
Traveling to see kids means driving to Atlanta
Sailing to Bahamas? From Annapolis -- no.

They live FL or GA I think.

Huh? I live in neither. We live in Burke most of the time, although we are TDY now. We have also lived in DC and in MOCO. My kids went to Lake Braddock. My standards are very high. I have a National Merit Scholar. Four college grads. I think my kids have done great. I'm very proud of them. We own a home in Ponte Vedra, Florida and sail from there. I had my oldest at 22. We are young grandparents. Happily married for close to 30 years. I'm not sure exactly what you are looking for. Oh, the HHI. We are not wealthy. $180,000.

You don't need to put others down to make yourself feel better. I was clear that this was a choice that worked for our family. If my DH's job were less demanding, I might have made different choices. I hope whatever you are so bitter about gets better. And I mean that sincerely.

I am the PP with the afternoon sitter/driver. The sitter simply picks them up from school, they get a snack and get ready for soccer, done. We are home by 5 at the latest to either pick them up from soccer or be with them after the 2 hours they were with the sitter. Work does give me a tremendous sense of purpose and I love my job and my kids. I am not any of the previous responders to your post nor am I bitter nor did I put you down. And I don't think you meant that sincerely in the slightest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

Probably something with longer hours so he can be away from you more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

What is your HHI?

They don't live in Dc.

Their bar for success is ridiculously low: avoid drugs alcohol, pregnancy, and flunking out. This is not DC. I would guess there was alcohol but kids were discrete. I know MANY working parents who achieved same outcomes. But in lower income areas it is much harder.
Grand'baby' at 50 - crazy young and who says grandbaby: southerners
Traveling to see kids means driving to Atlanta
Sailing to Bahamas? From Annapolis -- no.

They live FL or GA I think.

Huh? I live in neither. We live in Burke most of the time, although we are TDY now. We have also lived in DC and in MOCO. My kids went to Lake Braddock. My standards are very high. I have a National Merit Scholar. Four college grads. I think my kids have done great. I'm very proud of them. We own a home in Ponte Vedra, Florida and sail from there. I had my oldest at 22. We are young grandparents. Happily married for close to 30 years. I'm not sure exactly what you are looking for. Oh, the HHI. We are not wealthy. $180,000.

You don't need to put others down to make yourself feel better. I was clear that this was a choice that worked for our family. If my DH's job were less demanding, I might have made different choices. I hope whatever you are so bitter about gets better. And I mean that sincerely.

I am the PP with the afternoon sitter/driver. The sitter simply picks them up from school, they get a snack and get ready for soccer, done. We are home by 5 at the latest to either pick them up from soccer or be with them after the 2 hours they were with the sitter. Work does give me a tremendous sense of purpose and I love my job and my kids. I am not any of the previous responders to your post nor am I bitter nor did I put you down. And I don't think you meant that sincerely in the slightest.

If you aren't any prior responder, then why would you think the PP was talking to you when she mentioned bitterness? Has all that purposeful work rotted your brain for understanding non-work interactions?

Oh, I'm a new poster, by the way. You just stood out as a jerk to me.

[Anonymous]

LOL. This thread is 9 pages of angry WOHers lashing out at SAHMs...like every other neverending thread on DCUM. The site owners must enjoy how much money they get by tapping into that sense of frustration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL. This thread is 9 pages of angry WOHers lashing out at SAHMs...like every other neverending thread on DCUM. The site owners must enjoy how much money they get by tapping into that sense of frustration.

Actually this is one thread where I see most people aren't responding based on their work status to the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL. This thread is 9 pages of angry WOHers lashing out at SAHMs...like every other neverending thread on DCUM. The site owners must enjoy how much money they get by tapping into that sense of frustration.

I guess everyone is getting tired of the whiny, entitled and clearly lazy SAHM's who are nothing more than glorified house "managers".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Let's break this down, like a professional:
Kids activities: 4x year (once a season)
Doctors appts: 4x year (lets say they need follow ups, but probably 1x)
Kids clothes: 4x year (seasonal and that is generous, really back to school is all you need), and has to happen when kids are home so weekend anyway
Schedule haircuts: You schedule a child's haircut??? Hello supercuts, then a movie after on the weekend.
Birthday presents: Amazon
PTA dues: OMFG you are reaching here. 1x year. Paypal.
Schedule Piano lessons: 1x year
Lawn guy, cleaners: 1x every 3 years (how often do people change their routine?)
Sitters: For middle schoolers???
Phone numbers: Hello iPhone Google and shared contacts.
"Emergency" carpool? For middle schoolers? they probably know which parents to call.
Shoe size: Again MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

Did you even read the OP?

This may not seem like a lot, but my DH does NONE of this unless I ask. Does yours actually take the initiave? BTW, if we don't book our dr yearly annuals a month in advance, we are late for forms. Also, I make summer camp plans in January--as does most of upper NW DC. DH has NEVER signed the kids up for camps. And he would probably only remember to do this in June, when most of the camps are booked, and then we'd be screwed. Kudos to your marriage if your DH actually plans this stuff and manages to delegate appropriately. In my circle, I can confidently say that moms do 95% of the planning, and the dads execute 35%-45% only if and when asked.

Actually I am the DH and I 90% of this list. And I actively try to get my DW to SAH b/c I think it would make our lives much easier. But she isn't sure she would find all that down time as her work so just goes part time. And I turned down many interesting potentionay more lucrative jobs to ensure we both can do what we want

Your DH seems checked out, but I assume he is one of those BigLaw types so it comes with the territory -- you are not surprised by your DH and he never promised you anything else.

For OP, his wife is reneging on a major promise to him, so she can continue yoga and coffee with her friends. I suspect OP would have probably pursue a different career path then fed, if the division had planned to be breadwinner and sahm. She's radically changing the rules of the game, and the whole family is going to be screwed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's tough, OP.

Do you regularly have meetings where you talk about goals? If so, that would be an ideal time to bring it up. Even if you don't, try scheduling one. Talk about the freedoms a higher income would provide. Retirement, college, emergency savings, fun money.

What does she do now that she wouldn't be able to do if she worked more? Would outsourcing housework help? Would setting up a recurring ladies' night help her feel like she will be able to remain social?

Let's be honest. If she goes from SAHM to full time WOHM she will no longer be in that friendship circle. They hang out almost daily, their schedules won't mesh, her social life will be curtailed. But the family has needs that need to be met so she should step up.

+1

This. I had a sister who was living this life right down to the dear in the headlights in regards to finances but my BIL really couldn't afford it so he finally reached his breaking point and started telling her almost every day that they were not rich, that she wasn't like her friends, and that the he was going to have to cut off her credit card. She didn't believe him and they had massive arguments. He finally just closed the cc account and kept the joint account with enough to cover bills. My sister freaked out one day when she went to the ATM with her friends only to discover she couldn't get even $20 out because the account had $10. She sent out some massive text to all our family and her DH's about how terrible he was and how he was depriving the kids, blah, blah, blah and his only reply was something snarky about my sister not being able to purchase her lattes. She took the kids (8 and 10 at the time) and went to one of her SIL's houses for a few days and told her DH that she was getting a divorce. Don't know all the ins and outs but a couple years later they have moved to a different community and my sister works close to full time in a medical office doing admin work. They live on the west coast btw where the cost of living is just as high as it is here.

I have another sister story. Similar facts, but my ex-BIL left her the minute the youngest was in college. It was crazy. She only got 5 years of alimony (to re-train at 52) and was completely shell shocked, but he was fairly open even in front of in-laws that he wanted my sister to work, didn't like being a sole breadwinner, and that this was a big issue in their marriage. Even I knew it. My sister just sort of laughed it off and like PPs had a social group and life with hobbies she didn't want to quit.

Simple, she thought he could get away with it and he would never do anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

Probably something with longer hours so he can be away from you more

Nope, 40 hours a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Op. Wrong. We split laundry and cooking, I usually clean the kitchen, we have a cleaning lady every two weeks, and I am very active with kid activities. Taking the kids to doctor appointments, she does that so you got me there.

People.

It's not fathers driving kids to activities that makes them split the family burden.

When husbands make themselves responsible for keeping track of the kids' events, remembering and planning and organizing and even initiating events (!), THAT is when they can claim to share the burden with their wives.

Let's be clear here - it's not the pair of hands gripping the wheel that gets the majority of the stress. It's the one receiving all the dates for all the different events and planning the year out to the last summer camp, who is the most burdened.

Exactly. Managing a google calendar and registering for all those activities is almost a full time job in itself. Especially for middle schoolers, who need constant supervision.

OP wife is working part-time. He could also get a better job but chooses not to. Reality is he doesn't take off when the kids are sick, doesn't do transporting during work hours and flex to make activities. He probably doesn't do doctors appointments, dental appointments, eye appointments, do the shopping (clothing and food and other household), take off when house repairs are needed, etc. He may do some cleaning and laundry but its probably not 1/2 and maybe a few times a month. Cleaning the kitchen is very different from cleaning the house and laundry and house upkeep.

My husband says he cooks - maybe a few time a year if I do most of the prep. He drives to get carry out. He will load the dishes once or twice a month and say he cleaned the kitchen (still leaving a huge mess). My husband will say he does lots of things, but then there is reality. I do everything including taking care of his mom. He doesn't even buy his own underwear.

Just another SAHM trying to justify her existence...

I don't need to justify it. My husband choose it for me and I enjoy it. If I want to nap all day, he's fine with that. If he wants me to work, then he can do 1/2 I do and 100% of his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

Oh God. This is so gross. Must be a troll trying to make SAHM's look bad. I work full time but have many sah friends- there is no way that any of them would even think something like the above let alone vomit it out. Yuck.

How is it gross? He wanted me home. We could not make it on his income but paying for day care was most of my income for one child after taxes. So, he got a better job that has now covered my entire salary and more. He could not have done it if I wasn't home doing everything and caring for his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

What is your HHI?

They don't live in Dc.

Their bar for success is ridiculously low: avoid drugs alcohol, pregnancy, and flunking out. This is not DC. I would guess there was alcohol but kids were discrete. I know MANY working parents who achieved same outcomes. But in lower income areas it is much harder.
Grand'baby' at 50 - crazy young and who says grandbaby: southerners
Traveling to see kids means driving to Atlanta
Sailing to Bahamas? From Annapolis -- no.

They live FL or GA I think.

Huh? I live in neither. We live in Burke most of the time, although we are TDY now. We have also lived in DC and in MOCO. My kids went to Lake Braddock. My standards are very high. I have a National Merit Scholar. Four college grads. I think my kids have done great. I'm very proud of them. We own a home in Ponte Vedra, Florida and sail from there. I had my oldest at 22. We are young grandparents. Happily married for close to 30 years. I'm not sure exactly what you are looking for. Oh, the HHI. We are not wealthy. $180,000.

You don't need to put others down to make yourself feel better. I was clear that this was a choice that worked for our family. If my DH's job were less demanding, I might have made different choices. I hope whatever you are so bitter about gets better. And I mean that sincerely.

I am the PP with the afternoon sitter/driver. The sitter simply picks them up from school, they get a snack and get ready for soccer, done. We are home by 5 at the latest to either pick them up from soccer or be with them after the 2 hours they were with the sitter. Work does give me a tremendous sense of purpose and I love my job and my kids. I am not any of the previous responders to your post nor am I bitter nor did I put you down. And I don't think you meant that sincerely in the slightest.

If you aren't any prior responder, then why would you think the PP was talking to you when she mentioned bitterness? Has all that purposeful work rotted your brain for understanding non-work interactions?

Oh, I'm a new poster, by the way. You just stood out as a jerk to me.

You contributed exactly zero to this thread, great job! Now go away.