Talk me out of an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please talk to a thrrapist. I have had the worst PTSD from having been betrayed. My husband regrets it terribly,

I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please talk to a thrrapist. I have had the worst PTSD from having been betrayed. My husband regrets it terribly,

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Just because people aren’t as judgmental as you, does not mean they don’t have morals and principals. I would not cheat on my husband, but don’t care if my friends make different decisions.


+1

NP. I would encourage a friend to leave a bad marriage before cheating. If you cared for a friend and their family, why would you want yo see them blow it up and hurt so many other people? What about the people on the affair partner’s side - potentially a whole other family? Plus, someone who is willing to lie to their spouse and kids does not limit it to that one area of their lives. I don’t really want friends who are ok with doing stuff like this.

Because it doesn't always blow up.

It almost always does. Prepare your end game.

Citation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Just because people aren’t as judgmental as you, does not mean they don’t have morals and principals. I would not cheat on my husband, but don’t care if my friends make different decisions.


+1

NP. I would encourage a friend to leave a bad marriage before cheating. If you cared for a friend and their family, why would you want yo see them blow it up and hurt so many other people? What about the people on the affair partner’s side - potentially a whole other family? Plus, someone who is willing to lie to their spouse and kids does not limit it to that one area of their lives. I don’t really want friends who are ok with doing stuff like this.

Because it doesn't always blow up.

It almost always does. Prepare your end game.

Citation?

It took 10 years but finally found out about wife’s affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP of this thread here, back after 5 years. We have seen each other only occasionally, not at all during the pandemic, but kept in touch every few months. The feelings resurfaced every time. Then we spent 4 days at a work event a few weeks ago and ended up finally talking about it. Neither of us wants to destroy either family and we are not going to hook up. But having confirmation that the feeling was mutual all these years has made it tough not to think about it in the days since. I reread the whole thread and it's striking how similar things are 5 years later, from the chemistry down to the weight loss after having this recent and prolonged contact.

One poster mentioned something about looking for things missing in ourselves in the other person, and perhaps there's some truth to that. I will explore more with a therapist. If anyone has suggestions for a good therapist in VA especially (I live in Arlington), I would be grateful.

How is your marriage post pandemic?

It's great. We're perhaps intimate less than we'd like because we have been exhausted with work and childcare but it's not like we're not finding any time for it.

That’s good. I would prioritize making time for intimacy. The more you have sex with your husband the more that will put the unreality of the other situation into relief. Also, put some effort into making sure it’s amazing sex for you. Whatever that means to you. Maybe do some things you’ve never done before. Try to really express that side of you with your husband. If the marriage is good it’s worth the effort… and you may find you’ve been making room for these fantasies due to missing the connection with your husband.

Thanks, good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Just because people aren’t as judgmental as you, does not mean they don’t have morals and principals. I would not cheat on my husband, but don’t care if my friends make different decisions.


+1

NP. I would encourage a friend to leave a bad marriage before cheating. If you cared for a friend and their family, why would you want yo see them blow it up and hurt so many other people? What about the people on the affair partner’s side - potentially a whole other family? Plus, someone who is willing to lie to their spouse and kids does not limit it to that one area of their lives. I don’t really want friends who are ok with doing stuff like this.

Because it doesn't always blow up.

It almost always does. Prepare your end game.

Citation?

It took 10 years but finally found out about wife’s affairs.

Sorry. I was married to someone that thought they’d never get caught. They eventually got caught.

I read somewhere it’s usually not the first affair that they get caught, but a 2nd or 3rd. Also, if the other person is married too, yoh can’t control how careful they are being. If their spouse finds out, he/she will tell yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Just because people aren’t as judgmental as you, does not mean they don’t have morals and principals. I would not cheat on my husband, but don’t care if my friends make different decisions.


+1

NP. I would encourage a friend to leave a bad marriage before cheating. If you cared for a friend and their family, why would you want yo see them blow it up and hurt so many other people? What about the people on the affair partner’s side - potentially a whole other family? Plus, someone who is willing to lie to their spouse and kids does not limit it to that one area of their lives. I don’t really want friends who are ok with doing stuff like this.

Because it doesn't always blow up.

It almost always does. Prepare your end game.

Citation?

It took 10 years but finally found out about wife’s affairs.

So one case is evidence it’s universal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Just because people aren’t as judgmental as you, does not mean they don’t have morals and principals. I would not cheat on my husband, but don’t care if my friends make different decisions.


+1

NP. I would encourage a friend to leave a bad marriage before cheating. If you cared for a friend and their family, why would you want yo see them blow it up and hurt so many other people? What about the people on the affair partner’s side - potentially a whole other family? Plus, someone who is willing to lie to their spouse and kids does not limit it to that one area of their lives. I don’t really want friends who are ok with doing stuff like this.

Because it doesn't always blow up.

It almost always does. Prepare your end game.

Citation?

It took 10 years but finally found out about wife’s affairs.

So one case is evidence it’s universal?

Ok. You want get caught. You can keep being a scumbag without having anyone but yourself know…for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12:05 again. If it's not enough to just do the right thing, know this: if you have an affair, it will not end well, no matter how it goes. If one of you falls for the other, but it's not reciprocated - no good. If either of your spouses find out - no good. If you fall in love with each other and decide to divorce your respective spouses, you will always have guilt, and probably the scorn of more than a few people. There is no positive outcome from an affair, ultimately.

This. Exactly. You don't mention children, but if you have children, they will find out sooner or later and you will lose their respect for the rest of your life. And are you ready for friends, family, co-workers, etc. to whisper behind your back until the end of time that you are cheater? For scandal to follow you like a cloud? Many friends will have nothing to do with you once they know.

If you are truly happily married, then you cannot possibly inflict such pain on your husband. Yes, you are under the influence of dopamine now, and it is addictive the way it makes your mind think. You need to channel your energy toward your marriage. Talk to a priest, talk to a counselor. But there are NO good outcomes from an affair. Repeat after me: It is NEVER worth it if you truly care about the people (spouse + kids) that you are cheating on.

Honestly not a single person cares. Affairs are bad but in 2022 no one will care, not one person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Just because people aren’t as judgmental as you, does not mean they don’t have morals and principals. I would not cheat on my husband, but don’t care if my friends make different decisions.


+1

NP. I would encourage a friend to leave a bad marriage before cheating. If you cared for a friend and their family, why would you want yo see them blow it up and hurt so many other people? What about the people on the affair partner’s side - potentially a whole other family? Plus, someone who is willing to lie to their spouse and kids does not limit it to that one area of their lives. I don’t really want friends who are ok with doing stuff like this.

I also agree that people should leave before cheating; however, sometimes it does not work that way...if it is really bad, and there are major factors that make it hard to leave, sometimes peopel cheat before leaving although they SHOULD leave beforehand. Most people agree with that but can still understand how cheating can happen.

[Anonymous]

^ Anyone can understand how cheating can happen. Sometimes it's a bad marriage, sometimes it's unresolved trauma, sometimes it's narcissism or insecurity and a need for validation, there are a million reasons but all start with a lack of boundaries. So yes, I can understand how it can happen, but I still lose respect for the person who does it. There is ALWAYS another choice - cheating doesn't somehow make it easier to leave than it was before the cheating. Cheating is always about the cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12:05 again. If it's not enough to just do the right thing, know this: if you have an affair, it will not end well, no matter how it goes. If one of you falls for the other, but it's not reciprocated - no good. If either of your spouses find out - no good. If you fall in love with each other and decide to divorce your respective spouses, you will always have guilt, and probably the scorn of more than a few people. There is no positive outcome from an affair, ultimately.

This. Exactly. You don't mention children, but if you have children, they will find out sooner or later and you will lose their respect for the rest of your life. And are you ready for friends, family, co-workers, etc. to whisper behind your back until the end of time that you are cheater? For scandal to follow you like a cloud? Many friends will have nothing to do with you once they know.

If you are truly happily married, then you cannot possibly inflict such pain on your husband. Yes, you are under the influence of dopamine now, and it is addictive the way it makes your mind think. You need to channel your energy toward your marriage. Talk to a priest, talk to a counselor. But there are NO good outcomes from an affair. Repeat after me: It is NEVER worth it if you truly care about the people (spouse + kids) that you are cheating on.

Honestly not a single person cares. Affairs are bad but in 2022 no one will care, not one person.

Why do you think no one would care?

Saddest example I’ve heard one this point was DD’s friend in high school told her his dad was cheating on his mom, and the dad said he wouldn’t tell the mom the kid was vaping if the kid didn’t tell the mom the dad was cheating. We felt bad for the kid, but never wanted that family in our home again. Sure, if setting a boundary to not have people in our lives who are sh*tty to their own children is considered judgmental, then flame away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP of this thread here, back after 5 years. We have seen each other only occasionally, not at all during the pandemic, but kept in touch every few months. The feelings resurfaced every time. Then we spent 4 days at a work event a few weeks ago and ended up finally talking about it. Neither of us wants to destroy either family and we are not going to hook up. But having confirmation that the feeling was mutual all these years has made it tough not to think about it in the days since. I reread the whole thread and it's striking how similar things are 5 years later, from the chemistry down to the weight loss after having this recent and prolonged contact.

One poster mentioned something about looking for things missing in ourselves in the other person, and perhaps there's some truth to that. I will explore more with a therapist. If anyone has suggestions for a good therapist in VA especially (I live in Arlington), I would be grateful.

First, thanks for the update. I'm curious how you both addressed the elephant in the room. With a few days hindsight, do you feel like it was a bad idea to address i it or do you feel like it or do you feel like this is going to lead to fixing it. I have no idea how to help you, but I applaud you for trying to do the right thing.

Thank you, PP. I mostly feel a sense of relief, one, in knowing it wasn't completely in my head, and, more importantly, that we've drawn a line in the sand. As for how we addressed it, it just came up after we were chatting and laughing during a break. We had a short conversation and then parted ways.

How did you draw the line?

[Anonymous]

All I'd say is the feeling will not go away, as much as people say it subsides over time. Every time you see that person, that feeling comes back. Why do people suggest otherwise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Anyone can understand how cheating can happen. Sometimes it's a bad marriage, sometimes it's unresolved trauma, sometimes it's narcissism or insecurity and a need for validation, there are a million reasons but all start with a lack of boundaries. So yes, I can understand how it can happen, but I still lose respect for the person who does it. There is ALWAYS another choice - cheating doesn't somehow make it easier to leave than it was before the cheating. Cheating is always about the cheater.

It is not. I did not cheat but was in a sexless marriage where there was no sex for 7 years. I got divorced. But I would give anyone else a pass at cheating who was in that kind of situation (and others like severe mental illness, health issues, etc.) it is not always as simple as “it is always about the cheater”—that is just not true.