Talk me out of an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m always amazed at how many people will flush their marriages down the toilet for an orgasm.

Maybe their marriages suck and you just do not know. Cheating does not really matter if it is a bad marriage.
That is why some do it…not much to lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There's a lot of black and white thinking on these kinds of threads. I always wonder what those super rigid people are like in real life and how it actually serves them in relationships.


+1

I also wonder if it's just one or two people over and over.

The thing is, most people have morals and principles that don’t change with the circumstances and are not malleable. Call that black and white, I think it’s principled.

Just because people aren’t as judgmental as you, does not mean they don’t have morals and principals. I would not cheat on my husband, but don’t care if my friends make different decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There's a lot of black and white thinking on these kinds of threads. I always wonder what those super rigid people are like in real life and how it actually serves them in relationships.


+1

I also wonder if it's just one or two people over and over.

The thing is, most people have morals and principles that don’t change with the circumstances and are not malleable. Call that black and white, I think it’s principled.

Just because people aren’t as judgmental as you, does not mean they don’t have morals and principals. I would not cheat on my husband, but don’t care if my friends make different decisions.

+1

[Anonymous]

Do it, just do it and get it over with. Imagine your legs bent back over your head and he’s pounding you like a jackhammer. Once he’s done, you’ll be tossed aside like yesterday’s newspaper.

[Anonymous]

Tell your DH that should nip it in the bud.

[Anonymous]

Just because people aren’t as judgmental as you, does not mean they don’t have morals and principals. I would not cheat on my husband, but don’t care if my friends make different decisions.


+1

NP. I would encourage a friend to leave a bad marriage before cheating. If you cared for a friend and their family, why would you want yo see them blow it up and hurt so many other people? What about the people on the affair partner’s side - potentially a whole other family? Plus, someone who is willing to lie to their spouse and kids does not limit it to that one area of their lives. I don’t really want friends who are ok with doing stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP of this thread here, back after 5 years. We have seen each other only occasionally, not at all during the pandemic, but kept in touch every few months. The feelings resurfaced every time. Then we spent 4 days at a work event a few weeks ago and ended up finally talking about it. Neither of us wants to destroy either family and we are not going to hook up. But having confirmation that the feeling was mutual all these years has made it tough not to think about it in the days since. I reread the whole thread and it's striking how similar things are 5 years later, from the chemistry down to the weight loss after having this recent and prolonged contact.

One poster mentioned something about looking for things missing in ourselves in the other person, and perhaps there's some truth to that. I will explore more with a therapist. If anyone has suggestions for a good therapist in VA especially (I live in Arlington), I would be grateful.

First, thanks for the update. I'm curious how you both addressed the elephant in the room. With a few days hindsight, do you feel like it was a bad idea to address i it or do you feel like it or do you feel like this is going to lead to fixing it. I have no idea how to help you, but I applaud you for trying to do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not a kid, you are a grown adult. Kids in the preschool get recess and to play around on the playground. They have loosely structured time because they need to explore the world and frankly are too immature and have too short of an attention span to handle structured tasks and responsibility. Over the years, a person is supposed to develop a greater and deeper capacity for handling obligations and perseverance toward worthwhile goals. Those can include being a faithful partner, a good parent, a reliable worker, a productive citizen. Cheating on your spouse - a person you concede is a good spouse - fits in absolutely nowhere with being a grown adult that people respect. It is the polar opposite.

So, even if you aren’t considering the fallout to your good spouse and kids over the time you are wasting ruminating over Mr. Fantasy Man (if you scratched beneath the surface you’ll undoubtedly will find out he’s just another middle aged schmuck like the rest of us), at least consider that what you are pining over will destroy your self-respect if you go through with it. You will go from “wife” to “cheater” just like that. In an instant all the hard work you’ve done to grow into an adult worthy of respect will be gone. You will become a joke, if only to yourself. Don’t become a joke. You are better than that.

I totally agree. I'm not going to cheat. I know it's hard for posters not to jump to conclusions but truly it's not going to happen. I was actually asking for ways to get through the dopamine or whatever it is (since obviously the "it'll just fade with time" approach didn't work) and am looking into talking with a therapist (hence the question for recommendations). Temptation is a fact of life and how you handle it is what counts. I think it's important to understand what's happening and why, and find strategies that work to minimize these feelings. Thanks for your post.

Your post is entitled “Talk me out of an affair.” So I thought you wanted us to talk you out of an affair. My bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Just because people aren’t as judgmental as you, does not mean they don’t have morals and principals. I would not cheat on my husband, but don’t care if my friends make different decisions.


+1

NP. I would encourage a friend to leave a bad marriage before cheating. If you cared for a friend and their family, why would you want yo see them blow it up and hurt so many other people? What about the people on the affair partner’s side - potentially a whole other family? Plus, someone who is willing to lie to their spouse and kids does not limit it to that one area of their lives. I don’t really want friends who are ok with doing stuff like this.

Because it doesn't always blow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP of this thread here, back after 5 years. We have seen each other only occasionally, not at all during the pandemic, but kept in touch every few months. The feelings resurfaced every time. Then we spent 4 days at a work event a few weeks ago and ended up finally talking about it. Neither of us wants to destroy either family and we are not going to hook up. But having confirmation that the feeling was mutual all these years has made it tough not to think about it in the days since. I reread the whole thread and it's striking how similar things are 5 years later, from the chemistry down to the weight loss after having this recent and prolonged contact.

One poster mentioned something about looking for things missing in ourselves in the other person, and perhaps there's some truth to that. I will explore more with a therapist. If anyone has suggestions for a good therapist in VA especially (I live in Arlington), I would be grateful.

First, thanks for the update. I'm curious how you both addressed the elephant in the room. With a few days hindsight, do you feel like it was a bad idea to address i it or do you feel like it or do you feel like this is going to lead to fixing it. I have no idea how to help you, but I applaud you for trying to do the right thing.

Thank you, PP. I mostly feel a sense of relief, one, in knowing it wasn't completely in my head, and, more importantly, that we've drawn a line in the sand. As for how we addressed it, it just came up after we were chatting and laughing during a break. We had a short conversation and then parted ways.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you told your DH about this guy or these conversations? Feels like you are on a very slippery slope. People suggested 5 years ago that you talk to your DH, and instead you chose to talk to the other guy. You know that if you tell your DH about this, who you say is a great guy, that it will help kill the attraction. Its seems like by not talking about it with your DH that you want to keep this thrill going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Just because people aren’t as judgmental as you, does not mean they don’t have morals and principals. I would not cheat on my husband, but don’t care if my friends make different decisions.


+1

NP. I would encourage a friend to leave a bad marriage before cheating. If you cared for a friend and their family, why would you want yo see them blow it up and hurt so many other people? What about the people on the affair partner’s side - potentially a whole other family? Plus, someone who is willing to lie to their spouse and kids does not limit it to that one area of their lives. I don’t really want friends who are ok with doing stuff like this.

Because it doesn't always blow up.

It almost always does. Prepare your end game.

[Anonymous]

Please talk to a thrrapist. I have had the worst PTSD from having been betrayed. My husband regrets it terribly,

[Anonymous]

DO it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Just because people aren’t as judgmental as you, does not mean they don’t have morals and principals. I would not cheat on my husband, but don’t care if my friends make different decisions.


+1

NP. I would encourage a friend to leave a bad marriage before cheating. If you cared for a friend and their family, why would you want yo see them blow it up and hurt so many other people? What about the people on the affair partner’s side - potentially a whole other family? Plus, someone who is willing to lie to their spouse and kids does not limit it to that one area of their lives. I don’t really want friends who are ok with doing stuff like this.

You are playing fishes with real people’s lives.

Grow up.