I realized my marriage was over at the dinner table
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Anonymous
Nice try but you are better than this. We expect more from you |
Anonymous
Well, the key is communication. I've criticized OP on here -- not that she wants to divorce her husband but the way she went about it. Unless her husband was abusive (and, no, laughing at your cooking isn't abusive), there's no reason to just walk out without saying a word. You explain why you are leaving and then leave. OP's post made me think of a relative who is a martyr type. She always complains about her husband, but she never really addresses issues with him. She acts like he is a horrible human being, but most of the stuff she gets so upset over is relatively minor stuff that probably could be addressed if she would actually communicate. But she is passive aggressive. Her husband is the kind of person who bonds with other people through teasing. Instead of actually saying, "Larlo, I know that is how you and your friends interact, but it hurts my feelings," she just gives the silent treatment and stews over things. Larlo never really understands what specifically the problem is. Is she mad because she didn't want to do X, Y, and Z? Is she mad because she doesn't like his friends? Is she mad because he didn't notice something? Is she mad because she feels like they were laughing at her during some gathering (when they were laughing with her)? By the way, Larlo also laughs at himself and at his friends. But the way she describes a situation makes it sound like everyone gangs up on her. Having observed those situations myself, I know that isn't the case. I can imagine her doing what OP did. One day, just deciding that Larlo is so horrible she is going to up and leave without giving an explanation. I can even imagine her telling strangers or her friends who haven't around during the supposed incidents/teasing and them thinking she is justified in leaving with no explanation. But the reality is the "horrible treatment" is exaggerated. The real issue is that she is very sensitive but so passive-aggressive and has so many internal issues that she doesn't know how or is unwilling to actually communicate with her husband. Larlo, on the other hand, feels at a loss when he gets the silent treatment. When she finally talks to him again, he is so relieved the silent treatment is over, he doesn't want to bring it all up again. So they never actually address their issues. In the case of my relative, it would be fine if she wanted to divorce Larlo. But she's not a victim. Perhaps the truth is that she was never really compatible with Larlo because they just have such different personalities. But she isn't a victim. And she is actually part of the reason the marriage is unhappy. Forgive me if I resist applauding when I read these kinds of posts. OP didn't list any treatment that even seems remotely like abuse, but she acts like she is some victim who finally had the courage to leave. It takes two people to make a marriage work, and when a marriage fails, usually both people played a role. All that said, it's fine to seek divorce if you aren't happy. I just think it's juvenile and melodramatic to just leave without giving an explanation. Again, it's different if it's an abusive situation. But being teased about your cooking (even if it happens every day) isn't abuse. I feel like we've gone to the other extreme. And, again, I feel certain if OP were a man and told the same story, there would be a flood of people on here flaming OP. If my husband just up and left, disappeared, without talking to me, without explaining, and then served me with divorce papers, I would be distraught. I wouldn't deny him a divorce if he wanted one, but I would feel like at the very least, because we made marriage vows, I deserved a face-to-face explanation. Because I feel that way, I don't think -- barring an abusive situation -- it's right for people to initiate divorce in that manner. As another PP said, it's wrong and juvenile to just ghost your husband. |
Anonymous
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11:18 here. It's also wrong for a husband to just ghost his wife.
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Anonymous
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I am the OP. Thank you for all your feedback. I could write pages and pages of why I am unhappy in my marriage. Insulting my cooking was not a stand alone incident but just the final act of disrespect that I am going to subject myself too. Anyway its in the past and I don't want to rehash it.
I did talk to my ex on the phone on Wednesday night and told him our marriage was over and I was not coming back. I did not tell him I had filed for divorce and he was being served the next day. I did not want him to dodge the process server. I really want to get the process started. I am sure I will get flamed for that. My ex is convinced that I am having an affair and that I am leaving him for another man. That is not the case. For the record I have never cheated on my ex. He kept asking why why why and I told him to go down memory lane and think about all the arguments we have had read the emails I have sent him and he will have his answer. I told him I was done arguing and fighting. I am just done. Our only joint asset is a house that we put a very hefty down payment on so the house does have some equity in it. If he agrees to give me the quick divorce that I seek I will happily walk away with nothing. He can have the house and all the equity. I have not spoken to him since he was served with divorce papers. I honestly have nothing left to say to him and the lawyers can handle it now. I do plan to seek counseling and I am not going to date anyone for 1 year minimum. I am going to get to know myself again. This is a fresh start for me and for the first time in a really long time I am happy. |
Anonymous
| Any plans to attend some cooking classes? |
Anonymous
Op here. Eventually I might. My sister and I just signed on to get certified in scuba diving for a trip we are taking later this year. After that who knows. It's certainly not a priority. |
Anonymous
| Good for you OP. I had a simalar epihpany about a boyfriend right out of college, we and our families assumed we get married. One day he was just being a dick and I realized he was like that a lot. I just thought "I don't have to be here" I walked out, stayed a friends house and didn't respond to him for weeks. I felt awesome. You are smarter than most women on DCUM becuase you did NOT have kids with this mofo. |
Anonymous
| Wow he is really lucky to be rid of you. |
Anonymous
Bitter much? If OP was a man, I'd feel the same way - don't spend another minute in a toxic relationship. |
Anonymous
Op here, I am so thankful as well that we did not have children. It will make this divorce way less complicated. |
Anonymous
Op here, I hope my ex feels that way about me. The sooner he signs the divorce papers the sooner he is rid of me. |
Anonymous
+1000 Even better no kids |
Anonymous
| OP, I see your point about just being the tipping point. It doesn't seem that the family making comments but that your DH agreed with them and didn't stick up for you. I'd be ticked too. Good luck to you! Hope you find love again. |
Anonymous
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OP, best of luck to you. I'm glad you realized this before you wasted anymore time, or your future childrens' lives.
Ignore the haters on here. You've touched a nerve because hearing someone get fed up and walk out scares them that their spouse will one day do the same to them. |
Anonymous
The law does reflect that by allowing divorce. "For richer and poorer, sickness and health" is not in law. It's just a ritual phrase people say. It's not binding. |