Reply to I realized my marriage was over at the dinner table

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Reply to "I realized my marriage was over at the dinner table"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]to everyone giving op a hard time: there comes a point where you just can't take the shit anymore.  Man or woman, when it's been years of crap and no change for the better when [b]you've been busting your ass to make it work[/b], the straw really does break it.

It's not the big issues that kill a marriage.  It's the small ones.  [/quote]

Well, the key is communication.  I've criticized OP on here -- not that she wants to divorce her husband but the way she went about it.   Unless her husband was abusive (and, no, laughing at your cooking isn't abusive), there's no reason to just walk out without saying a word.  You explain why you are leaving and then leave.

OP's post made me think of a relative who is a martyr type.  She always complains about her husband, but she never really addresses issues with him.  She acts like he is a horrible human being, but most of the stuff she gets so upset over is relatively minor stuff that probably could be addressed if she would actually communicate.  But she is passive aggressive.  Her husband is the kind of person who bonds with other people through teasing.  Instead of actually saying, "Larlo, I know that is how you and your friends interact, but it hurts my feelings," she  just gives the silent treatment and stews over things.   Larlo never really understands what specifically the problem is.  Is she mad because she didn't want to do  X, Y, and Z?  Is she mad because she doesn't like his friends?  Is she mad because he didn't notice something?  Is she mad because she feels like they were laughing at her during some gathering (when they were laughing with her)?  By the way, Larlo also laughs at himself and at his friends.  But the way she describes a situation makes it sound like everyone gangs up on her.  Having observed those situations myself, I know that isn't the case.

I can imagine her doing what OP did.  One day, just deciding that Larlo is so horrible she is going to up and leave without giving an explanation.  I can even imagine her telling strangers or her friends who haven't around during the supposed incidents/teasing and them thinking she is justified in leaving with no explanation.  But the reality is the "horrible treatment" is exaggerated.  The real issue is that she is very sensitive but so passive-aggressive and has so many internal issues that she doesn't know how or is unwilling to actually communicate with her husband.  Larlo, on the other hand, feels at a loss when he gets the silent treatment.  When she finally talks to him again, he is so relieved the silent treatment is over, he doesn't want to bring it all up again.  So they never actually address their issues.

In the case of my relative, it would be fine if she wanted to divorce Larlo.  But she's not a victim.  Perhaps the truth is that she was never really compatible with Larlo because they just have such different personalities.  But she isn't a victim.  And she is actually part of the reason the marriage is unhappy.

Forgive me if I resist applauding when I read these kinds of posts.  OP didn't list any treatment that even seems remotely like abuse, but she acts like she is some victim who finally had the courage to leave.  It takes two people to make a marriage work, and when a marriage fails, usually both people played a role.

All that said, it's fine to seek divorce if you aren't happy.  I just think it's juvenile and melodramatic to just leave without giving an explanation.  Again, it's different if it's an abusive situation.  But being teased about your cooking (even if it happens every day) isn't abuse.

I feel like we've gone to the other extreme.  And, again, I feel certain if OP were a man and told the same story, there would be a flood of people on here flaming OP.

If my husband just up and left, disappeared, without talking to me, without explaining, and then served me with divorce papers, I would be distraught.  I wouldn't deny him a divorce if he wanted one, but I would feel like at the very least, because we made marriage vows, I deserved a face-to-face explanation.  Because I feel that way, I don't think -- barring an abusive situation -- it's right for people to initiate divorce in that manner.  As another PP said, it's wrong and juvenile to just ghost your husband.

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