Would this bother you re: infertility and IL behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, it's tough being the recipient of this behavior. They sound slightly spoiled and used to getting what they want in life. It was such a blow to their ego's when they couldn't conceive. It meant that they were not perfect so instead of being strong and getting through life, they chose to block out your happiness. They are now feeling a surge of power in that they are giving life to a baby. They want a captive audience, so they are now acting like typical brats at a birthday party before they open their presents. It's all about them. Watch out if you get pregnant while they are. You will be hit with anger and resentment, after all..how could you step in their spotlight? I would keep a distance for your own sanity. If they ask why, let then know.

roll your eyes all you want sister, you know I speak the truth.

You need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they are people with happy news that should be graciously celebrated.

I also think that they are self centered people who behaved poorly towards you, your dh and your daughter. People are entitled to their bad moments when they are struggling - sometimes we say things we wish we hadn't or forget an important date. But actually making it a point to not recognize (snub) your little daughter...I think I would remember that about them.

Moments, of bad behavior, not 4 f'ing years!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, it's tough being the recipient of this behavior. They sound slightly spoiled and used to getting what they want in life. It was such a blow to their ego's when they couldn't conceive. It meant that they were not perfect so instead of being strong and getting through life, they chose to block out your happiness. They are now feeling a surge of power in that they are giving life to a baby. They want a captive audience, so they are now acting like typical brats at a birthday party before they open their presents. It's all about them. Watch out if you get pregnant while they are. You will be hit with anger and resentment, after all..how could you step in their spotlight? I would keep a distance for your own sanity. If they ask why, let then know.

roll your eyes all you want sister, you know I speak the truth.

You need help.

Who doesn't my friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think they are people with happy news that should be graciously celebrated.

I also think that they are self centered people who behaved poorly towards you, your dh and your daughter. People are entitled to their bad moments when they are struggling - sometimes we say things we wish we hadn't or forget an important date. But actually making it a point to not recognize (snub) your little daughter...I think I would remember that about them.

Moments, of bad behavior, not 4 f'ing years!

Yep - it was the duration. The active snubbing of this little girl for 4 years straight that seems a bit much.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised no one has brought up what seems so obvious to me...OP is unable to forgive and is extra angry at the ILs because now she's in her own infertility-fueled jealousy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised no one has brought up what seems so obvious to me...OP is unable to forgive and is extra angry at the ILs because now she's in her own infertility-fueled jealousy.

Because it's not at all obvious and doesn't seem to fit this situation at all.

[Anonymous]

I would be aggravated if an aunt or uncle went out of their way to avoid my child. at family events.

Honestly, I do think in the end, OP is likely going to have to suck it up and pretend it never happened. But it is pretty egregious and over the top to be such a total ass, even if it came from a place of grief, for FOUR YEARS.

She probably has no friends left if that is how she treats her own family.

I guess the plus side is that the visits are few and far between.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dealt with infertility after my twins were born. You can bet your butt I was still kind to those who were pregnant. Sure it was hard for them but they acted like jerks. I wouldn't bother trying to have a close relationship with them. You can only burn a bridge so many times before there is nothing to salvage.

Holy hell, are you seriously comparing secondarily infertility after having TWINS? No one gives a damn if you can't have a third.

I disagree with this. Infertility hurts no matter how many kids you have already had or how you've acquired them. We don't get to build a hierarchy of suffering where the woman who never conceives and never adopts is at the top of the suffering scale and the woman who has repeat miscarriages, then adopts three kids has it easy.

You may not want to acknowledge it, but there are degrees of suffering. Took 1 cycle to get pregnant vs. 11 months to get pregnant on your own vs. One cycle of clomid vs. Four rounds of IVF vs. Never getting a BFP for 5 years vs. Stillbirth vs. 5 years waiting for adoption. Sure - there are many different journeys we take and many different struggles. They aren't all equal. Maybe two people experiencing the same struggles handle it differently. Maybe one doesn't have emotional skills to cope.

When faced with the prospect of having ZERO kids in your life vs having that THIRD kid? Yes - different situations. Both painful, no doubt, but different level of despair.

We went through a period of IF (a year, so brief compared to many) and it was really hard; I struggled mostly with people around me having "oops" babies. Our son is now 3 years old, and we have been going through it all again. It is NOTHING like the pain of trying to get pregnant the first time. Nothing like it. We want a sibling for our son, we would adore another child in our life. But damnit I'm thrilled with one child. I agree PP, there is a HUGE difference. I don't really care how you label it (hierarchy of suffering?), you're in complete denial if you think it's the same.

Regarding the OP, I think your relatives must have realized what they were doing, that it was wrong, and they are probably relieved to be able to fix it now. I'd be peeved too if I were you, BUT you need to get over it and be thankful that they are now starting a new relationship with your child. Can you imagine if you decided to be cold to them, causing your child to not have a good relationship with her cousin? Telling a 30-year-old DD "Well honey, the reason we don't like your aunt and uncle is because they struggled to have a baby and were not very kind to you until you were 4 years old." Your daughter will think you're nuts.

So if they had never gotten pregnant or if, God forbid, something happens to this pregnancy, they have all rights to go back to pretending their niece doesn't exist? OP and her husband should just be cool with that?

Irrelevant. What I pointed out is that they likely realize they were wrong and now seem to want to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dealt with infertility after my twins were born. You can bet your butt I was still kind to those who were pregnant. Sure it was hard for them but they acted like jerks. I wouldn't bother trying to have a close relationship with them. You can only burn a bridge so many times before there is nothing to salvage.

Holy hell, are you seriously comparing secondarily infertility after having TWINS? No one gives a damn if you can't have a third.

I disagree with this. Infertility hurts no matter how many kids you have already had or how you've acquired them. We don't get to build a hierarchy of suffering where the woman who never conceives and never adopts is at the top of the suffering scale and the woman who has repeat miscarriages, then adopts three kids has it easy.

You may not want to acknowledge it, but there are degrees of suffering. Took 1 cycle to get pregnant vs. 11 months to get pregnant on your own vs. One cycle of clomid vs. Four rounds of IVF vs. Never getting a BFP for 5 years vs. Stillbirth vs. 5 years waiting for adoption. Sure - there are many different journeys we take and many different struggles. They aren't all equal. Maybe two people experiencing the same struggles handle it differently. Maybe one doesn't have emotional skills to cope.

When faced with the prospect of having ZERO kids in your life vs having that THIRD kid? Yes - different situations. Both painful, no doubt, but different level of despair.

We went through a period of IF (a year, so brief compared to many) and it was really hard; I struggled mostly with people around me having "oops" babies. Our son is now 3 years old, and we have been going through it all again. It is NOTHING like the pain of trying to get pregnant the first time. Nothing like it. We want a sibling for our son, we would adore another child in our life. But damnit I'm thrilled with one child. I agree PP, there is a HUGE difference. I don't really care how you label it (hierarchy of suffering?), you're in complete denial if you think it's the same.

Regarding the OP, I think your relatives must have realized what they were doing, that it was wrong, and they are probably relieved to be able to fix it now. I'd be peeved too if I were you, BUT you need to get over it and be thankful that they are now starting a new relationship with your child. Can you imagine if you decided to be cold to them, causing your child to not have a good relationship with her cousin? Telling a 30-year-old DD "Well honey, the reason we don't like your aunt and uncle is because they struggled to have a baby and were not very kind to you until you were 4 years old." Your daughter will think you're nuts.

So if they had never gotten pregnant or if, God forbid, something happens to this pregnancy, they have all rights to go back to pretending their niece doesn't exist? OP and her husband should just be cool with that?

Irrelevant. What I pointed out is that they likely realize they were wrong and now seem to want to move forward.

It's not irrelevant. They seem to only want to move forward because things are going their way now. If things don't work out will they move backwards again? And should everyone just overlook it since apparently people are only required to act appropriately when things are going their way?

[Anonymous]

OP you sound petty. Did they deal with this very well? No. Would you have traded places with them for anything? Fuck no.

Show some compassion and be glad (a) you didn't have to go through what they did; and (b) your life has been going well enough that this is even a blip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are in their postition you will never understand. Also, secondary infertility is not even close to the same
Thing so you really don't understand what they were going through. Move on. Be happy they are asking about your daughter now.

Only someone guilty of similar behavior would say this.

+1

Only people who haven't struggled with IF for several years would say this.

And this is why people going through IF distance themselves. Asshole friends and relatives.

You *seriously* think OP and her DH are assholes for being hurt that their DD's aunt and uncle have ignored her for the duration of her life? Really??

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are lying about dealing with infertility yourself. If you did, you wouldn't hold this insane grudge against your in-laws. You have zero empathy in you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really want to believe DCUM simply attracts a certain type of person with infertility. Because I refuse to believe that most people with infertility can't find happiness for others becoming parents. I had secondary infertility during a time when it seemed every other relative and friend under 45 was either expecting or adopting. I welcomed each new addition despite my longing and frustration.

+1 I've never met anyone like OP's in laws or the douches on this thread IRL.

I'm one of the IF "douches" on this thread you may have met me. I've never ignored a child or even skipped a baby shower. I may have left the shower a little early if it was a particularly bad time for me, but I'm sure you couldn't tell the pain I was experiencing because I plastered that fake smile on my face.

BUT I know the pain is real and acknowledge that "cutting off" part of your life is a needed coping mechanism for some people going through IF.

Who knows - maybe OP's SIL did get pregnant back then and shared a due date with OP, but then they lost that baby. The niece might be a constant reminder of maybe the only BFP they saw for five years.

Anyway, IF is brutal. Have some heart.

I don't think you sound like a douche at all. I'm talking about people who are ignoring child family members to their face and/or condoning that. It's one thing not to make plans to see them, it's another to ignore them at holidays or get togethers.

[Anonymous]

This idea that infertile couples are so anguished that they go around ignoring small children to their faces...is just sad.

No they don't. Most infertile couples love kids, want to be parents and are very sweet with the little ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really want to believe DCUM simply attracts a certain type of person with infertility. Because I refuse to believe that most people with infertility can't find happiness for others becoming parents. I had secondary infertility during a time when it seemed every other relative and friend under 45 was either expecting or adopting. I welcomed each new addition despite my longing and frustration.

+1 I've never met anyone like OP's in laws or the douches on this thread IRL.

I'm one of the IF "douches" on this thread you may have met me. I've never ignored a child or even skipped a baby shower. I may have left the shower a little early if it was a particularly bad time for me, but I'm sure you couldn't tell the pain I was experiencing because I plastered that fake smile on my face.

BUT I know the pain is real and acknowledge that "cutting off" part of your life is a needed coping mechanism for some people going through IF.

Who knows - maybe OP's SIL did get pregnant back then and shared a due date with OP, but then they lost that baby. The niece might be a constant reminder of maybe the only BFP they saw for five years.

Anyway, IF is brutal. Have some heart.

I don't think you sound like a douche at all. I'm talking about people who are ignoring child family members to their face and/or condoning that. It's one thing not to make plans to see them, it's another to ignore them at holidays or get togethers.

I an condoning that. Guess I'm a douche. But OP's ILs need to do what they need to do.

Just because you were able to be around babies when you were going through several years of IF doesn't mean that her ILs could handle it.