Wife nearly died. Angry with underwhelming response from her family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

Np, but when my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer and needed hospice, I flew to the other side of the country and took 3 weeks off to care for him until he died. Grandma also needed a lot of care as well. We're pregnant now and I won't be able to get a full 6 weeks of sick leave because of it, but it was very, very worth it to me. Dh has a high stress job and couldn't even fly in for the funeral. He just couldn't rearrange his overseas travel to be able to come on short notice.

I think it is wonderful that you took care of your Grandpa like that but I also think that you will regret not having the full 6 weeks of maternity leave.

NP. Of course she'll regret it. In an ideal world she could have both. But she'll be able to simultaneously regret not having more time for her maternity leave and NOT regret taking that time to be with her grandpa.

I have been present for the death of 2 grandparents. For one I cut my honeymoon short, for the other I went for a long weekend and stayed a week when it was clear it was the end, making my husband step up at the last minute to scramble to cover care for our kids.

In my entire life, those are the only 2 decisions I have made for which I have never once second guessed myself. Do I regret that I've still never had that week in Greece? Of course. Would I ever go back and change my decision in order to get it? No, not once in a million chances.

Yeah, but we're talking about missing days (weeks) with your newborn vs. being able to go on a trip. I personally would take those days with my newborns over Greece any day.

[Anonymous]

I would text SIL back and tell her she'd be lucky if her family got a.card from us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would text SIL back and tell her she'd be lucky if her family got a.card from us.

And send her a steaming pile of hot poo.

[Anonymous]

I wish we could help. Are you local?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

Np, but when my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer and needed hospice, I flew to the other side of the country and took 3 weeks off to care for him until he died. Grandma also needed a lot of care as well. We're pregnant now and I won't be able to get a full 6 weeks of sick leave because of it, but it was very, very worth it to me. Dh has a high stress job and couldn't even fly in for the funeral. He just couldn't rearrange his overseas travel to be able to come on short notice.

I think it is wonderful that you took care of your Grandpa like that but I also think that you will regret not having the full 6 weeks of maternity leave.

NP. Of course she'll regret it. In an ideal world she could have both. But she'll be able to simultaneously regret not having more time for her maternity leave and NOT regret taking that time to be with her grandpa.

I have been present for the death of 2 grandparents. For one I cut my honeymoon short, for the other I went for a long weekend and stayed a week when it was clear it was the end, making my husband step up at the last minute to scramble to cover care for our kids.

In my entire life, those are the only 2 decisions I have made for which I have never once second guessed myself. Do I regret that I've still never had that week in Greece? Of course. Would I ever go back and change my decision in order to get it? No, not once in a million chances.

Yeah, but we're talking about missing days (weeks) with your newborn vs. being able to go on a trip. I personally would take those days with my newborns over Greece any day.

But the choice for PP isn't between days with her newborn and a trip - it is between extra time with her newborn and being there for a beloved family member's end of life. There are no redos in death, you don't get a chance to make that up. Is she sacrificing something in this deal? Of course. I just know for me that would be a sacrifice that was worth it. I truly believe being there at the end makes a difference, for both the person dying and for those holding vigil.

[Anonymous]

OP I am so sorry. I am glad your wife survived and that her overall prognosis is good, even if the road of recovery will be long. I have personal experience w/ stroke and it is terrifying, though the level of recovery that is possible is astonishing.

I wish you and your family all the best. I am so sorry that you don't have more support, and I agree with all the people saying that you should not be afraid to reach out. I would happily help a teacher in my kids' school, or a neighbor family, or coworker in these kinds of circumstances.

Do you know about Caring Bridge? www.caringbridge.org

It's a site where you can update friends and family on a situation, but also where you can coordinate care and support. Maybe your sister could help you set up something like that as a way to ask for, organize, and easily receive help with things like meals, carpools, childcare, respite options for you, etc...

I hope you can all find some peace and enjoyment of the holiday season. It sounds like you should write off the inlaws and just give up on the emotional energy you are putting into that side of things. Your energy will be better spent elsewhere.

Hugs to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for the support and kind words. I mentioned this thread to my sister and she basically was like "yes, they are ASSHOLES. Even the internet agrees."

We are doing much better all around. My wife is able to understand and process things, though she can't speak, she can type. And she's been pretty clear that this isn't too much of a surpise to her. Her parents do.not.do.sickness (something I had no idea about). She had to get her appendix out in her 20's and her parents basically avoided her until she's well. And apparently my sister's in laws do not want the inconvience of having their husbands away during the "busy holiday season." The reason they don't want the brothers' to visit basically. It's gross, but at least I know where we stand with them. I didn't bother with the stupid gift cards, but sent an email telling them we aren't doing presents this year with everything that's happened. No response.

This is all something I had no idea about because I don't really get into the dynamics with her family and she's sort of shielded me from them. That said, she's focused on getting well and recovering and leaving the family stuff aside for now.

We have gotten a ton of support from my co-workers and my wife's co-teachers have been by to visit which has been really great. We also were able to throw money at a lot of our issues. I hired a nanny to help from 4-8. The kids daycare has been really supportive as well. We have a home health aid for 12 hours every day. Speech therapist come to our house. And physical therapy has been going really well. It's time like this when you can see how people's lives go upside down when they have a medical crisis. I'm thankful we have the resources and means to tackle this challenge. It's been crazy but thank you all.

[Anonymous]

I have only read the first page and the last, but I'm glad things are looking up, OP, and that you have resources (inner and financial) to manage it.

Going forward I encourage you to put your energy into those relationships which nourish you now. Look at who is supporting you now and continue to build those relationships and be there for them as they were there for you. I'm not saying to disown your wife's family, but create some boundaries that work for you. I'm a strong believer in community and building our own support networks when families don't provide them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope your wife has a complete recovery much sooner than expected. I'm sorry your inlaws suck.

I hope you get some time for yourself to help deal with your feelings too. Being a caregiver is a hard road as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for the support and kind words. I mentioned this thread to my sister and she basically was like "yes, they are ASSHOLES. Even the internet agrees."

We are doing much better all around. My wife is able to understand and process things, though she can't speak, she can type. And she's been pretty clear that this isn't too much of a surpise to her. Her parents do.not.do.sickness (something I had no idea about). She had to get her appendix out in her 20's and her parents basically avoided her until she's well. And apparently my sister's in laws do not want the inconvience of having their husbands away during the "busy holiday season." The reason they don't want the brothers' to visit basically. It's gross, but at least I know where we stand with them. I didn't bother with the stupid gift cards, but sent an email telling them we aren't doing presents this year with everything that's happened. No response.

This is all something I had no idea about because I don't really get into the dynamics with her family and she's sort of shielded me from them. That said, she's focused on getting well and recovering and leaving the family stuff aside for now.

We have gotten a ton of support from my co-workers and my wife's co-teachers have been by to visit which has been really great. We also were able to throw money at a lot of our issues. I hired a nanny to help from 4-8. The kids daycare has been really supportive as well. We have a home health aid for 12 hours every day. Speech therapist come to our house. And physical therapy has been going really well. It's time like this when you can see how people's lives go upside down when they have a medical crisis. I'm thankful we have the resources and means to tackle this challenge. It's been crazy but thank you all.

It sounds like your wife is improving. Hang in there. Someday your life will be better again and this will be a distant memory.

[Anonymous]

My husband was diagnosed with cancer when we were in our early 20s. We moved to NYC for him to be treated at Sloan. Basically his family was completely MIA except for vacations they took to New York (where they expected to sleep on my studio floor for several weeks while they auditioned for Broadway shows). One SIL who was local would come over and have my husband make her dinner while he struggled with the after effects of his chemo. Nothing worked and we tried a last ditch surgery. I was totally alone when they told me my husband wasn't coming out of anesthesia and might not make it. For 12 hours I sat by myself waiting until I got the good news he had pulled through. I had to take fmla to care for him for months. I was nearly fired by my horrible supervisor who claimed people as young as My husband don't get cancer (thank goodness for fmla!). Anyway here is my advice:

(1) if you lash out they will act like you have anger management issues forever. I was fine with this but you might not be.
(2) when your wife gets better don't be surprised if she doesn't want to ostracize your Inlaws. My husband told me he did not want to get cancer and lose his parents in the same year. I have to grind my teeth and see their ugly faces still.
(3) remind them, lightly, over the years. It still makes them squirm and is my trump card so i use it wisely and rarely. When my SIL was angry because we did not want to come to her engagement party across the country since DH was still recovering, I reminded her how she used us for her Broadway auditions and that her brother nearly died. She never responded. And she did end up divorced and never on Broadway.
(4) take it one day at a time. Forgiveness is a blessing. I did not want to carry the anger with me for the rest of my life. I still think I'm a better person then my Inlaws, but I forgive them.

My thoughts are with you friend. I hope your wife is better soon and your kids are good too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was diagnosed with cancer when we were in our early 20s. We moved to NYC for him to be treated at Sloan. Basically his family was completely MIA except for vacations they took to New York (where they expected to sleep on my studio floor for several weeks while they auditioned for Broadway shows). One SIL who was local would come over and have my husband make her dinner while he struggled with the after effects of his chemo. Nothing worked and we tried a last ditch surgery. I was totally alone when they told me my husband wasn't coming out of anesthesia and might not make it. For 12 hours I sat by myself waiting until I got the good news he had pulled through. I had to take fmla to care for him for months. I was nearly fired by my horrible supervisor who claimed people as young as My husband don't get cancer (thank goodness for fmla!). Anyway here is my advice:

(1) if you lash out they will act like you have anger management issues forever. I was fine with this but you might not be.
(2) when your wife gets better don't be surprised if she doesn't want to ostracize your Inlaws. My husband told me he did not want to get cancer and lose his parents in the same year. I have to grind my teeth and see their ugly faces still.
(3) remind them, lightly, over the years. It still makes them squirm and is my trump card so i use it wisely and rarely. When my SIL was angry because we did not want to come to her engagement party across the country since DH was still recovering, I reminded her how she used us for her Broadway auditions and that her brother nearly died. She never responded. And she did end up divorced and never on Broadway.
(4) take it one day at a time. Forgiveness is a blessing. I did not want to carry the anger with me for the rest of my life. I still think I'm a better person then my Inlaws, but I forgive them.


Pp from above- I forgive my Inlaws but that doesn't mean I like them. They however once it was all over think I'm an angel. Whatever- they know what they did and that's the guilt talking.
My thoughts are with you friend. I hope your wife is better soon and your kids are good too.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has been an eerily similar situation, but in your wife's shoes, the PP above is giving really good advice. I chose to forgive my family and move on. I really appreciate that my DH supported my decision. It was better for me in the long run than holding on to all of that anger and "losing" them too. It doesn't mean I don't have times I get very upset, but overall, I just had to move forward.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP. May your wife recover soon and may you have the grace to care for yourself and your family.

My in-laws are awful ( DH is totally paralysed from an accident) and I have learnt to not expect any help during critical times from them. I am more at peace. At first it's overwhelming but once you get into a routine everything becomes manageable. My neigbors are my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

You're right. Not everyone can do it. I can because I'm married, my job has FMLA and my supervisor gets that emergencies happen; my husband is a fully capable person and as a family, we're not in crisis. Not every one is so lucky.

But there's a lot of room between what OP's relatives are doing - which is absolutely nothing, not even calling to check in - and what we did in my family. At the very least, his family should care. I mean, ask yourself - if your child had a stroke, what would stop you from flying out to see him or her? Being physically and/or financial incapable of travel - sure. But assuming you were able, would you just not bother? Because that's what OP's MIL is choosing to do - choosing to not care about almost loosing a child. That's not normal.

My husband and I are both fully capable human beings....I still can't just go away for weeks on end to take care of someone else's family nor could my husband - without our own family suffering.
Up until relatively recently he was working full time AND going to school at night. How could he just up and leave? How could I just up and leave when he had a schedule like that? We had kids, schoolwork, activities, dogs and our own house to take care of.

If I had a family member in the overwhelming situation that Op is in I would do what I could from afar to lighten their load. I might even fly in for a long weekend to try to get some local supports in place for them. I could not just shelve my own life for weeks on end though.

Fine, then you'd write a check our send a gift card. Support doesn't come cheap and it sounds like OP needs lots of it now.