Wife nearly died. Angry with underwhelming response from her family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

You're right. Not everyone can do it. I can because I'm married, my job has FMLA and my supervisor gets that emergencies happen; my husband is a fully capable person and as a family, we're not in crisis. Not every one is so lucky.

But there's a lot of room between what OP's relatives are doing - which is absolutely nothing, not even calling to check in - and what we did in my family. At the very least, his family should care. I mean, ask yourself - if your child had a stroke, what would stop you from flying out to see him or her? Being physically and/or financial incapable of travel - sure. But assuming you were able, would you just not bother? Because that's what OP's MIL is choosing to do - choosing to not care about almost loosing a child. That's not normal.

Again - federal fMla does not cover siblings!!

So what!! You wouldn't need federal FMLA to send the family a care package or even have a hot casserole delivered. I don't think that even with FMLA most people could realistically leave their own families for long stretches. They could do some long weekends here and there to give the care giver a much deserved break. He's got an ill, bedridden wife and 2 young kids plus a job to try to hold onto, plus all the medical red tape to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your wife's family sucks. Period. Screw them. I'm terribly sorry for your wife's condition and for the total lack of support from her family.

The excuses are pathetic and the gift list is obnoxious. Respond however you see fit. Or don't. Whatever will make you feel better.

The idea of reaching out to your wife's school is really good. I'm a SAHM and I would absolutely see what I could do to help you. I know it feels incredibly awkward to say "this is what we need right now" but have a priority list in mind. "You know, what would really help most right now is ... "

Are you local?

I also think you should reach out to your wife's school. I know that when one of the teachers at our school was sick the entire school community pitched in to help, not just families from that class. At the very least you will probably have more meal offers than you will know what to do with. The more detailed you can make your list of needs the better others can help. I have found that most people do want to help. Your in laws are not most people. Surround yourself with those that care.

I agree with this too. My kids are in preschool but when a teacher's husband died suddenly there was an outpouring of help and support. Most people don't suck as much as your in laws!! Your wife is in a profession filled with caring people - don't feel like you can't take advantage of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, immediate PP here - I 100% think you should send around an email to everyone you know and flat out ask for help. No one - NO ONE - I know would be offended or aghast at a sincere request for help from am ember of our community. If the K teacher at our small school had a stroke, shit, the whole school would be baking casseroles right now. Allow your 'chosen' family to rally around you and hold you up.

Agreed. OP, if I saw an SOS from you on our neighborhood listserve, I'd bake a lasagna, drop off whatever kid gear you want to borrow or need restocked, and offer to have your kids join mine as the weekend holiday arts & craft activity so your kids can get out and do something fun and you can have a break.

There's no shame in needing help. Don't be afraid to ask. If I was your neighbor, I'd want to help if I knew you were going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

You're right. Not everyone can do it. I can because I'm married, my job has FMLA and my supervisor gets that emergencies happen; my husband is a fully capable person and as a family, we're not in crisis. Not every one is so lucky.

But there's a lot of room between what OP's relatives are doing - which is absolutely nothing, not even calling to check in - and what we did in my family. At the very least, his family should care. I mean, ask yourself - if your child had a stroke, what would stop you from flying out to see him or her? Being physically and/or financial incapable of travel - sure. But assuming you were able, would you just not bother? Because that's what OP's MIL is choosing to do - choosing to not care about almost loosing a child. That's not normal.

Again - federal fMla does not cover siblings!!

You wouldn't help. We get it. As you can clearly see, you're in the minority (as well you should be!!)

[Anonymous]

Sorry you are going through this OP. I know how you feel. I had cancer this year and a year of awful treatment. My own sibling sent me one text when I was first diagnosed and then I never heard from them again. That really hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You also need to tell SIL off for bad behavior. "We're completely overwhelmed with how critical DW's situation is. Taking care of everyone has been very rough. Please excuse us for not exchanging gifts this year" What an evil SIL

^This!!!

I'm a reasonable person and I say fuck her!

The PP phrased it flawlessly. I'd send that exact text. Except, perhaps I might even add a nasty little twist:

We're completely overwhelmed with how critical DW's situation is. Taking care of everyone has been very rough, especially because no one from the family has been able to help us at all. We'd love any assistance you can offer, even now. Please excuse us for not exchanging gifts this year.

edited: No need to ask please excuse

As you know, DW's situation has been and is critical. Taking care of everyone has been very time consuming and difficult. We'd love any assistance you can offer. We are not exchanging gifts this year.

[Anonymous]

OP I didn't read all of the responses but have been in your shoes. My DH has had a very life threatening chronic illness for years. the first three, my family just made very general comments, overtures with regards to the situation. Then my parents were in town when things went terribly wrong and saw how completely end of rope I was. They have since been extremely supportive and I no longer resent how they were prior. But boy were they clueless about everything.

Since I myself was in denial for about a year and they live a flight away, I can understand the denial part a tad. It has been a hard road. So thankful that your sister has been there for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

You're right. Not everyone can do it. I can because I'm married, my job has FMLA and my supervisor gets that emergencies happen; my husband is a fully capable person and as a family, we're not in crisis. Not every one is so lucky.

But there's a lot of room between what OP's relatives are doing - which is absolutely nothing, not even calling to check in - and what we did in my family. At the very least, his family should care. I mean, ask yourself - if your child had a stroke, what would stop you from flying out to see him or her? Being physically and/or financial incapable of travel - sure. But assuming you were able, would you just not bother? Because that's what OP's MIL is choosing to do - choosing to not care about almost loosing a child. That's not normal.

Again - federal fMla does not cover siblings!!

You wouldn't help. We get it. As you can clearly see, you're in the minority (as well you should be!!)

I get it. You are touchy and demanding and always out to assume the worst. That is why people are not stepping up to help you.

Anyways I posted that about FMLA so people who WANT to help can be informed about how to best do it.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe you could set up a gofundme page, so that we can send you some money for a cleaning lady or an occasional take out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I didn't read all of the responses but have been in your shoes. My DH has had a very life threatening chronic illness for years. the first three, my family just made very general comments, overtures with regards to the situation. Then my parents were in town when things went terribly wrong and saw how completely end of rope I was. They have since been extremely supportive and I no longer resent how they were prior. But boy were they clueless about everything.

Since I myself was in denial for about a year and they live a flight away, I can understand the denial part a tad. It has been a hard road. So thankful that your sister has been there for your family.

It isn't really denial. With a life threatening chronic illness that a person has been living with for years...it unfortunately becomes the "normal" for that person. They really expect the person to go on living with the illness with treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

You're right. Not everyone can do it. I can because I'm married, my job has FMLA and my supervisor gets that emergencies happen; my husband is a fully capable person and as a family, we're not in crisis. Not every one is so lucky.

But there's a lot of room between what OP's relatives are doing - which is absolutely nothing, not even calling to check in - and what we did in my family. At the very least, his family should care. I mean, ask yourself - if your child had a stroke, what would stop you from flying out to see him or her? Being physically and/or financial incapable of travel - sure. But assuming you were able, would you just not bother? Because that's what OP's MIL is choosing to do - choosing to not care about almost loosing a child. That's not normal.

Again - federal fMla does not cover siblings!!

You wouldn't help. We get it. As you can clearly see, you're in the minority (as well you should be!!)

I get it. You are touchy and demanding and always out to assume the worst. That is why people are not stepping up to help you.

Anyways I posted that about FMLA so people who WANT to help can be informed about how to best do it.

Are you saying that siblings shouldn't try to help their siblings because FMLA doesn't cover siblings? Or are you reminding siblings - don't plan on your leave being covered by FMLA? I'm trying to understand your message..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

You're right. Not everyone can do it. I can because I'm married, my job has FMLA and my supervisor gets that emergencies happen; my husband is a fully capable person and as a family, we're not in crisis. Not every one is so lucky.

But there's a lot of room between what OP's relatives are doing - which is absolutely nothing, not even calling to check in - and what we did in my family. At the very least, his family should care. I mean, ask yourself - if your child had a stroke, what would stop you from flying out to see him or her? Being physically and/or financial incapable of travel - sure. But assuming you were able, would you just not bother? Because that's what OP's MIL is choosing to do - choosing to not care about almost loosing a child. That's not normal.

Again - federal fMla does not cover siblings!!

You wouldn't help. We get it. As you can clearly see, you're in the minority (as well you should be!!)

I get it. You are touchy and demanding and always out to assume the worst. That is why people are not stepping up to help you.

Anyways I posted that about FMLA so people who WANT to help can be informed about how to best do it.

Are you saying that siblings shouldn't try to help their siblings because FMLA doesn't cover siblings? Or are you reminding siblings - don't plan on your leave being covered by FMLA? I'm trying to understand your message..

Sigh. Just that anyone in this situation on either side should understand FMLA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

You're right. Not everyone can do it. I can because I'm married, my job has FMLA and my supervisor gets that emergencies happen; my husband is a fully capable person and as a family, we're not in crisis. Not every one is so lucky.

But there's a lot of room between what OP's relatives are doing - which is absolutely nothing, not even calling to check in - and what we did in my family. At the very least, his family should care. I mean, ask yourself - if your child had a stroke, what would stop you from flying out to see him or her? Being physically and/or financial incapable of travel - sure. But assuming you were able, would you just not bother? Because that's what OP's MIL is choosing to do - choosing to not care about almost loosing a child. That's not normal.

Again - federal fMla does not cover siblings!!

You wouldn't help. We get it. As you can clearly see, you're in the minority (as well you should be!!)

I get it. You are touchy and demanding and always out to assume the worst. That is why people are not stepping up to help you.

Anyways I posted that about FMLA so people who WANT to help can be informed about how to best do it.

Are you saying that siblings shouldn't try to help their siblings because FMLA doesn't cover siblings? Or are you reminding siblings - don't plan on your leave being covered by FMLA? I'm trying to understand your message..

Sigh. Just that anyone in this situation on either side should understand FMLA.

O.k., thanks. It is a good thing for people to know about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

Np, but when my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer and needed hospice, I flew to the other side of the country and took 3 weeks off to care for him until he died. Grandma also needed a lot of care as well. We're pregnant now and I won't be able to get a full 6 weeks of sick leave because of it, but it was very, very worth it to me. Dh has a high stress job and couldn't even fly in for the funeral. He just couldn't rearrange his overseas travel to be able to come on short notice.

I think it is wonderful that you took care of your Grandpa like that but I also think that you will regret not having the full 6 weeks of maternity leave.

NP. Of course she'll regret it. In an ideal world she could have both. But she'll be able to simultaneously regret not having more time for her maternity leave and NOT regret taking that time to be with her grandpa.

I have been present for the death of 2 grandparents. For one I cut my honeymoon short, for the other I went for a long weekend and stayed a week when it was clear it was the end, making my husband step up at the last minute to scramble to cover care for our kids.

In my entire life, those are the only 2 decisions I have made for which I have never once second guessed myself. Do I regret that I've still never had that week in Greece? Of course. Would I ever go back and change my decision in order to get it? No, not once in a million chances.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just want to say how sorry I am that you and your family are going through this crisis, and that your in-laws are so horrible. What they're doing is truly unforgivable, IMO. Our kids are two and four now, and I can't imagine essentially single parenting them a year ago while also grappling with a very ill spouse. I think reaching out to your true family, as PPs have described, will be good. If you were my neighbor, I would gladly bring food, have your kids come by, etc.

I also think that in terms of managing your in-laws, you get to decide what you want to do. If that means sending them regular updates, fine. I'd have no expectation of help from them, but if it still feels worth it to you to let them know, then go for it. I would absolutely offer them no apology as far as the holidays or your availability, but would be very clear about what's going on, and what your limits are. Get through each day at a time. You can do it. I'm glad your sister is here to help. Also take good care of yourself as much as you can. I've been providing a lot of care to my mother this year through cancer treatment, with a local sibling who is utterly useless, and it's hard not to get resentful. I do what I can for my mom, but I've also learned to clearly ask for help when I need it and say no when I have to. I know your situation is different, but still think that self-care, in as much as it's possible, is important. Hang in there and good luck. I'll be pulling for you and your family (minus the in-laws).