Wife nearly died. Angry with underwhelming response from her family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

You're right. Not everyone can do it. I can because I'm married, my job has FMLA and my supervisor gets that emergencies happen; my husband is a fully capable person and as a family, we're not in crisis. Not every one is so lucky.

But there's a lot of room between what OP's relatives are doing - which is absolutely nothing, not even calling to check in - and what we did in my family. At the very least, his family should care. I mean, ask yourself - if your child had a stroke, what would stop you from flying out to see him or her? Being physically and/or financial incapable of travel - sure. But assuming you were able, would you just not bother? Because that's what OP's MIL is choosing to do - choosing to not care about almost loosing a child. That's not normal.

My husband and I are both fully capable human beings....I still can't just go away for weeks on end to take care of someone else's family nor could my husband - without our own family suffering.
Up until relatively recently he was working full time AND going to school at night. How could he just up and leave? How could I just up and leave when he had a schedule like that? We had kids, schoolwork, activities, dogs and our own house to take care of.

If I had a family member in the overwhelming situation that Op is in I would do what I could from afar to lighten their load. I might even fly in for a long weekend to try to get some local supports in place for them. I could not just shelve my own life for weeks on end though.

Fine, then you'd write a check our send a gift card. Support doesn't come cheap and it sounds like OP needs lots of it now.

I don't know that I would send $$$$. It depends. I know that when my husband was injured I appreciated any show of support and concern - even an email with "Is there anything we can do?". No one sent us cash and I never would have expected anyone to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

You're right. Not everyone can do it. I can because I'm married, my job has FMLA and my supervisor gets that emergencies happen; my husband is a fully capable person and as a family, we're not in crisis. Not every one is so lucky.

But there's a lot of room between what OP's relatives are doing - which is absolutely nothing, not even calling to check in - and what we did in my family. At the very least, his family should care. I mean, ask yourself - if your child had a stroke, what would stop you from flying out to see him or her? Being physically and/or financial incapable of travel - sure. But assuming you were able, would you just not bother? Because that's what OP's MIL is choosing to do - choosing to not care about almost loosing a child. That's not normal.

My husband and I are both fully capable human beings....I still can't just go away for weeks on end to take care of someone else's family nor could my husband - without our own family suffering.
Up until relatively recently he was working full time AND going to school at night. How could he just up and leave? How could I just up and leave when he had a schedule like that? We had kids, schoolwork, activities, dogs and our own house to take care of.

If I had a family member in the overwhelming situation that Op is in I would do what I could from afar to lighten their load. I might even fly in for a long weekend to try to get some local supports in place for them. I could not just shelve my own life for weeks on end though.

Fine, then you'd write a check our send a gift card. Support doesn't come cheap and it sounds like OP needs lots of it now.

I don't know that I would send $$$$. It depends. I know that when my husband was injured I appreciated any show of support and concern - even an email with "Is there anything we can do?". No one sent us cash and I never would have expected anyone to do that.

It's not about your expectations, it's about what people who supposedly love you can do to help. Rule of thumb:
If you can show up to help in person with meals, childcare, etc., do so.
If you can't, and you know your family is struggling with all these new expenses on top of the emotional load, send whatever you can afford - some money/ grocery store card/ restaurant card (for food delivery)
If not, stop pretending you care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

Well, in my family, when one of the siblings had a stroke, the other two siblings + mother dropped everything, flew across the world, and as a team of three rotated between caring for the niece & nephew - getting them to school and trying to keep their routine normal, caring for the home & pets, and being at the hospital day in & day out to care for the fallen brother + spouse. They stayed for three weeks in total. That's what I would consider as normal. If my brother has a stroke, it'd take something like cancer to keep me from flying out to help.

I don't know how I could just drop everything and leave my own kids/jobs/pets to fly across the country to take care of someone else's kids/pets/house (and them) for 3 solid weeks.

It is wonderful that you were all able to do that but honestly that just isn't possible for most people.

You're right. Not everyone can do it. I can because I'm married, my job has FMLA and my supervisor gets that emergencies happen; my husband is a fully capable person and as a family, we're not in crisis. Not every one is so lucky.

But there's a lot of room between what OP's relatives are doing - which is absolutely nothing, not even calling to check in - and what we did in my family. At the very least, his family should care. I mean, ask yourself - if your child had a stroke, what would stop you from flying out to see him or her? Being physically and/or financial incapable of travel - sure. But assuming you were able, would you just not bother? Because that's what OP's MIL is choosing to do - choosing to not care about almost loosing a child. That's not normal.

My husband and I are both fully capable human beings....I still can't just go away for weeks on end to take care of someone else's family nor could my husband - without our own family suffering.
Up until relatively recently he was working full time AND going to school at night. How could he just up and leave? How could I just up and leave when he had a schedule like that? We had kids, schoolwork, activities, dogs and our own house to take care of.

If I had a family member in the overwhelming situation that Op is in I would do what I could from afar to lighten their load. I might even fly in for a long weekend to try to get some local supports in place for them. I could not just shelve my own life for weeks on end though.

Fine, then you'd write a check our send a gift card. Support doesn't come cheap and it sounds like OP needs lots of it now.

I don't know that I would send $$$$. It depends. I know that when my husband was injured I appreciated any show of support and concern - even an email with "Is there anything we can do?". No one sent us cash and I never would have expected anyone to do that.

It's not about your expectations, it's about what people who supposedly love you can do to help. Rule of thumb:
If you can show up to help in person with meals, childcare, etc., do so.
If you can't, and you know your family is struggling with all these new expenses on top of the emotional load, send whatever you can afford - some money/ grocery store card/ restaurant card (for food delivery)
If not, stop pretending you care.

For a sudden devastating thing like this - yes. I totally agree. I don't know how you could do otherwise.

[Anonymous]

I wished I knew you in real life! I would be helping you right now because I have been in your position. We just play along with my family. We know they are fake and we never count on them for anything.

[Anonymous]

I'm just another person offering support. I read your update and I'm glad so many people in your life and helping now. I am also glad your wife is doing better. It's devastating when you feel you can't count on your family. We are all praying for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for the support and kind words. I mentioned this thread to my sister and she basically was like "yes, they are ASSHOLES. Even the internet agrees."

We are doing much better all around. My wife is able to understand and process things, though she can't speak, she can type. And she's been pretty clear that this isn't too much of a surpise to her. Her parents do.not.do.sickness (something I had no idea about). She had to get her appendix out in her 20's and her parents basically avoided her until she's well. And apparently my sister's in laws do not want the inconvience of having their husbands away during the "busy holiday season." The reason they don't want the brothers' to visit basically. It's gross, but at least I know where we stand with them. I didn't bother with the stupid gift cards, but sent an email telling them we aren't doing presents this year with everything that's happened. No response.

This is all something I had no idea about because I don't really get into the dynamics with her family and she's sort of shielded me from them. That said, she's focused on getting well and recovering and leaving the family stuff aside for now.

We have gotten a ton of support from my co-workers and my wife's co-teachers have been by to visit which has been really great. We also were able to throw money at a lot of our issues. I hired a nanny to help from 4-8. The kids daycare has been really supportive as well. We have a home health aid for 12 hours every day. Speech therapist come to our house. And physical therapy has been going really well. It's time like this when you can see how people's lives go upside down when they have a medical crisis. I'm thankful we have the resources and means to tackle this challenge. It's been crazy but thank you all.

OP,

I'm so glad you are able to pay for additional help. This is what we would have to do as well if something like this ever happened to us. Take care and know we are all pulling for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And apparently my sister's in laws do not want the inconvience of having their husbands away during the "busy holiday season." The reason they don't want the brothers' to visit basically. It's gross, but at least I know where we stand with them.

This is depressing. I know my wife would act the same way if I were in your BILs' position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And apparently my sister's in laws do not want the inconvience of having their husbands away during the "busy holiday season." The reason they don't want the brothers' to visit basically. It's gross, but at least I know where we stand with them.

This is depressing. I know my wife would act the same way if I were in your BILs' position.

Hmm. I don't think it would be necessary to drop everything and fly out to spend Christmas at Op's house. Op has never asked that. But a show of sympathy and support would be nice.

I know that when my husband was suddenly wheelchair bound due to an accident I certainly wouldn't have wanted to deal with overnight house guests on top of everything else. A visit, a hot casserole, a phone call would have been nice. An invasion would have been too much.

Fly in. Stay at a hotel and offer to take the kids to a movie. Rent a car and drop dinner off some night. Or just have it delivered. Anything to lighten the load. At least while the family is in crisis mode. Once things get on more of a schedule, local support has been established and logistics are worked out there isn't such need for a show of support. You can visit, stay at a hotel, get a rent a car and offer to take the kids out bowling or do grocery shopping or some other type of running around.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in your shoes and in it in a worst way. I lost my spouse after a similar event and my in laws who were ridiculously distant during the initial stroke almost threw themselves in the casket at the funeral. I too had small kids, but unlike you I had my parents and sisters and brothers who basically stepped in and helped me through that storm. My in laws stopped calling after the funeral and still don't do much beyond the obligatory holiday card and phone call on a birthday (when they remember the kids' birthdays). I've accepted it, but one thing to keep in mind is that you should take this event and use it as an opportunity to do some planning about guardianship, etc. I always liked my in laws as well and they were always kind to me (but in hindsight superficially nice). It's times like this you can see who's in your family's corner. Plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Things have been crazy, but we are seeing real improvements. My wife can say my daughter's name (who's older) and baby and her therapist is expecting her to make a full recovery. Her body is basically completely intact. If you saw her standing in a line at the post office, you wouldn't know the month she's had. I thank God everyday for how fortunate we were.

My sister went back to California to deal with her life. She probably was the most helpful since she is a nurse and understands this medical stuff. My wife's family are not, but I am not excusing their behavior. It's abhorrent. For the posters who asked about FMLA, she was able to take it since our parents died when she was a teenager. I'm 10 years older and she finished high school and lived with me until she went to college. I imagine it's some sort of exception to exception, but I am happy she was able to take it. We don't really have any other family so her stepping up and helping meant so much.

As for my in laws, my mother in law and father in law will be visiting next week. I don't really know what to expect except that I drew a line that they needed to stay at a hotel. I can't handle guests right now with the amount of people coming in and out for therapies, the new evening nanny, and the kids. It's too much. They have been asking questions and seem to think because my wife can text and "looks amazing," she's fine. She isn't, but I can't with stupid people who don't want to see reality. I am bracing myself for the visit, but truthfully I don't know how they could piss me off more.

As for my wife's brothers, I am sort of done. My wife isn't and she, like other posters suggested, isn't in the "write them off" camp. She sort of views it as a desire to not lose her family of origin on top of everything. I am not pushing things. I have enough to deal with it. My sister in laws have been strangely silent, but I don't care. They apparently decided that since I couldn't do Christmas presents for their kids, they didn't have to for mine. I didn't expect that. I am finishing shopping today for the kids and going to wrap gifts tonight after they go to bed. My wife really wants to make Christmas happen (it's her big holiday so I am trying to carry the torch).

Anyways, happy holidays DCUM. I truly appreciate your emotional support. Strangely, it kept me sane and calm at a time when I thought I wouldn't be able to keep it together. You all are the best.

[Anonymous]

OP,

That is wonderful news! We are so happy to hear your wife's recovery is going well. You sound like an amazing dad, husband, father and brother. Be proud that you and your sister have such a great relationship. Hopefully your kids will see that and learn from your side of the family on how to be there for one another during rough times.

It's good that you are focusing on the good things. What a blessing that you have the means to support your family's needs (i.e., night nanny) to lessen the stress of an already stressful time.

I would definitely make plans for future guardianship if you haven't already.

Best of luck and happy holidays!

P.S. You are a saint to put up with your ILs.

[Anonymous]

OP your SILs decided since you can't shop for their kids they should not shop for yours?

I am so sorry. Presents aside, this is the Christmas season and all Christians know that it's about giving to others (not giving presents per se). What a pair of losers that not only can't they do the minimum and give your kids presents, but can't give of themselves. I give them a FURIOUS BAH HUMBUG and your kids a virtual hug ((hug))

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to show support and say I'm thinking about you, OP, and your wife and kids. That's excellent news about the improvements your wife is already experiencing. I'm praying that her recovery continues to go well. Happy Holidays! It sounds like you're doing your wife proud with all you've been pulling together for Christmas despite the insanity in your lives right now.

[Anonymous]

OP, so so glad to read your updates. Best wishes for continuing progress and very happy holidays! And three cheers for your wonderful sister.

[Anonymous]

Hugs op. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and wishing good thoughts for your family.