I hate the other woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really difficult to figure out what is happening in this thread. It looks like multiple DW's and OW's posting.

You know, the statistical probability of a husband actually leaving his wife for an OW is very, very low. I think the husbands are usually just looking for a sexual outlet and not much more than that.

So, if you're the wife, and you found out your dh was cheating, it's not that he's leaving you for her. He obviously doesn't want to leave you, otherwise he would have done that instead of having an affair.

If you kick him out, he probably won't even date the OW, at least not for long. Men "affair down" and once they're single they have a different selection and might want someone different from the OW for a life partner.

As for the OWs, they are really very unhappy women with a huge fear of intimacy and commitment. I think women picture these highly sexual Jessica Rabbit type women, but they're not. They're usually just normal moms with average looks who happened to make a connection. If they're unmarried, they spend evenings, weekends and holidays alone. They're not these sassy creatures out to steal your man. In fact, if they really wanted a long-term relationship they wouldn't be dating married men.

Also, the vitriol towards the women who dated a married man without knowing he was married - that woman is not what I would even call an OW. She was just hoodwinked.

You must be a DW

I don't know what the statistical probabilities are, but the divorce rate is pretty high in this day and age. People marry and divorce for various reasons. But if thinking that DH "affaired down" makes you feel better about yourself, then go on thinking that way. Realistically, people don't date or "affair" up and down, because people are people and not real estate. DH may have chaated because you treated him as a commodity rather than a human being.

What you wrote applies to some people and not others. I'd say it is mostly DW's wishful thinking (from a perspective who has not been on either side).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I honestly don't get the hatred towards OW. Shit happens. Husbands fall out of love and leave. That's life. Whatever negative feelings you harbor will only hurt you. I guess it's okay to believe in karma if that helps you get through the day, but it rarely works in real life. (Or maybe American way of looking at karma is way out of wack.)

Anyway, my advice to you: don't be hating. Move on and be happy. Doing well is the best revenge

As a cheated-on wife, I think the above is appropriate for a couple years out from the affair. But for someone a couple months out from having her life completely upended? I don't think an emotionally healthy person has a (in my case) ten year relationship end due to cheating and just turns on a dime and says "shit happens." I'm working through my sadness, thinking a lot about who I have been and who I want to be in a relationship, and also feeling angry. Those are all feelings that are very appropriate to the situation. Move on is good advice for the long term, but in the short term you need to engage with the pain and anger in order to become a stronger/better/more emotionally mature person.

I think it is best to address the root of the pain. Unrealistic expectations. Once you learn to live in the real world rather than a fairy tale drummed into your head with all this pink-princess junk, you'll be much happier (including in your love life).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really difficult to figure out what is happening in this thread. It looks like multiple DW's and OW's posting.

You know, the statistical probability of a husband actually leaving his wife for an OW is very, very low. I think the husbands are usually just looking for a sexual outlet and not much more than that.

So, if you're the wife, and you found out your dh was cheating, it's not that he's leaving you for her. He obviously doesn't want to leave you, otherwise he would have done that instead of having an affair.

If you kick him out, he probably won't even date the OW, at least not for long. Men "affair down" and once they're single they have a different selection and might want someone different from the OW for a life partner.

As for the OWs, they are really very unhappy women with a huge fear of intimacy and commitment. I think women picture these highly sexual Jessica Rabbit type women, but they're not. They're usually just normal moms with average looks who happened to make a connection. If they're unmarried, they spend evenings, weekends and holidays alone. They're not these sassy creatures out to steal your man. In fact, if they really wanted a long-term relationship they wouldn't be dating married men.

Also, the vitriol towards the women who dated a married man without knowing he was married - that woman is not what I would even call an OW. She was just hoodwinked.

You must be a DW

I don't know what the statistical probabilities are, but the divorce rate is pretty high in this day and age. People marry and divorce for various reasons. But if thinking that DH "affaired down" makes you feel better about yourself, then go on thinking that way. Realistically, people don't date or "affair" up and down, because people are people and not real estate. DH may have chaated because you treated him as a commodity rather than a human being.

What you wrote applies to some people and not others. I'd say it is mostly DW's wishful thinking (from a perspective who has not been on either side).

[phone]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There I said it. Yes, I can hear it already ..... the issue is between you and your husband.....if you had been a better wife he wouldn't have looked elsewhere......were you putting out? ...... You married the wrong guy...... Your husband made vows to you, the OW has no obligation ..... Work on yourself .... stop focusing any energy that way ....... What issues did you bring to this situation...... Get some counseling....

I'm tired of the OW getting off the hook so easy. My marriage is finished. While I'm carrying around a 200 pound sand bag of grief, trying to put my life back together, shock, and feeling very PTSD-ish. It seems like I'm the only one paying a huge price for THEIR choices. He could have f'ing left. And she could have kept her legs together and waited for some hot single dude.

I hate my husband. I hate the other woman. So There.

I have read some of the post on this thread.. It is easy to judge, but it really is not fair because it is impossible that any two situations involving someone married and an affair with someone else is the same exact situation.


I am a DH involved with an OW. We are both married and have kids. Neither of us had "cheated" before our relationship. I have been married for over 20 years. For me, it has been a lonely marriage. Very little affection and very little sex. My DW and I have not had sex in over 10 years. I kept hoping my marriage would get better. I got in shape... I help out a lot around the house... I am a very active Dad... I tried different romantic initiatives.. I tried having conversations with her to discuss the issues... I suggested that we seek counseling... Nothing helped. My DW seems happy to just be co-parent roommates. It is very possible that my DW is asexual. But even asexual people show affection towards other people. My DW has no issue showing real affection to our kids. My life had become a lonely one. About 3 years ago, I tried to wake my DW up.. I had several conversations with her... And she didn't really seem to get it. She would not go to counseling... She didn't seem to understand how I just wanted my basic human needs met. I finally came to the realization that my marriage will never be what I need it to be. So I started thinking about an exit strategy. This is when I unexpectedly became involved with someone else. It was someone that I had known. We started talking about life and we just connected in so many different ways. We have become very good friends. We talk about everything. We know about each other's lives. We provides each other the compassion, the support, the affection, the close friendship and more that we both had been missing on our lonely marriages. She is the first person that I want to share things with... good news.. bad news.. etc. If I was not married... I would want to marry her asap and spend the rest of my life with her. But we are both trapped in lonely marriages with kids. There is no easy way to end two marriages without hurting people that we care about. Please keep in mind.. I do not hate my DW.. I just do not want to be married to her.

So when I finally ask for a divorce... It should not be a surprise... but my DW might be in denial and acted surprised. And if the OW that I love and I start a public relationship... Will my current DW blame my OW for the divorce? My DW had over 20 years to be more than a roommate. I have told her several times that I am not happy. And she has never tried to counter that she is a good wife. My DW will hate the OW, but if the OW becomes my new DW... then my STBX will have to learn how to co-parent with her.

So OP.. I do not know the details of your relationship with your DW... but there may have been warning signs that you overlooked. If you have kids and your xDH marries the OW.. you need to get over it for the sake of the kids.


About

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There I said it. Yes, I can hear it already ..... the issue is between you and your husband.....if you had been a better wife he wouldn't have looked elsewhere......were you putting out? ...... You married the wrong guy...... Your husband made vows to you, the OW has no obligation ..... Work on yourself .... stop focusing any energy that way ....... What issues did you bring to this situation...... Get some counseling....

I'm tired of the OW getting off the hook so easy. My marriage is finished. While I'm carrying around a 200 pound sand bag of grief, trying to put my life back together, shock, and feeling very PTSD-ish. It seems like I'm the only one paying a huge price for THEIR choices. He could have f'ing left. And she could have kept her legs together and waited for some hot single dude.

I hate my husband. I hate the other woman. So There.

I have read some of the post on this thread.. It is easy to judge, but it really is not fair because it is impossible that any two situations involving someone married and an affair with someone else is the same exact situation.


I am a DH involved with an OW. We are both married and have kids. Neither of us had "cheated" before our relationship. I have been married for over 20 years. For me, it has been a lonely marriage. Very little affection and very little sex. My DW and I have not had sex in over 10 years. I kept hoping my marriage would get better. I got in shape... I help out a lot around the house... I am a very active Dad... I tried different romantic initiatives.. I tried having conversations with her to discuss the issues... I suggested that we seek counseling... Nothing helped. My DW seems happy to just be co-parent roommates. It is very possible that my DW is asexual. But even asexual people show affection towards other people. My DW has no issue showing real affection to our kids. My life had become a lonely one. About 3 years ago, I tried to wake my DW up.. I had several conversations with her... And she didn't really seem to get it. She would not go to counseling... She didn't seem to understand how I just wanted my basic human needs met. I finally came to the realization that my marriage will never be what I need it to be. So I started thinking about an exit strategy. This is when I unexpectedly became involved with someone else. It was someone that I had known. We started talking about life and we just connected in so many different ways. We have become very good friends. We talk about everything. We know about each other's lives. We provides each other the compassion, the support, the affection, the close friendship and more that we both had been missing on our lonely marriages. She is the first person that I want to share things with... good news.. bad news.. etc. If I was not married... I would want to marry her asap and spend the rest of my life with her. But we are both trapped in lonely marriages with kids. There is no easy way to end two marriages without hurting people that we care about. Please keep in mind.. I do not hate my DW.. I just do not want to be married to her.

So when I finally ask for a divorce... It should not be a surprise... but my DW might be in denial and acted surprised. And if the OW that I love and I start a public relationship... Will my current DW blame my OW for the divorce? My DW had over 20 years to be more than a roommate. I have told her several times that I am not happy. And she has never tried to counter that she is a good wife. My DW will hate the OW, but if the OW becomes my new DW... then my STBX will have to learn how to co-parent with her.

So OP.. I do not know the details of your relationship with your DW... but there may have been warning signs that you overlooked. If you have kids and your xDH marries the OW.. you need to get over it for the sake of the kids.


About

Please get your own thread about why it's easier to lie to your wife and makes choices without her consent than it is to be honest with her about your needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There I said it. Yes, I can hear it already ..... the issue is between you and your husband.....if you had been a better wife he wouldn't have looked elsewhere......were you putting out? ...... You married the wrong guy...... Your husband made vows to you, the OW has no obligation ..... Work on yourself .... stop focusing any energy that way ....... What issues did you bring to this situation...... Get some counseling....

I'm tired of the OW getting off the hook so easy. My marriage is finished. While I'm carrying around a 200 pound sand bag of grief, trying to put my life back together, shock, and feeling very PTSD-ish. It seems like I'm the only one paying a huge price for THEIR choices. He could have f'ing left. And she could have kept her legs together and waited for some hot single dude.

I hate my husband. I hate the other woman. So There.

I have read some of the post on this thread.. It is easy to judge, but it really is not fair because it is impossible that any two situations involving someone married and an affair with someone else is the same exact situation.


I am a DH involved with an OW. We are both married and have kids. Neither of us had "cheated" before our relationship. I have been married for over 20 years. For me, it has been a lonely marriage. Very little affection and very little sex. My DW and I have not had sex in over 10 years. I kept hoping my marriage would get better. I got in shape... I help out a lot around the house... I am a very active Dad... I tried different romantic initiatives.. I tried having conversations with her to discuss the issues... I suggested that we seek counseling... Nothing helped. My DW seems happy to just be co-parent roommates. It is very possible that my DW is asexual. But even asexual people show affection towards other people. My DW has no issue showing real affection to our kids. My life had become a lonely one. About 3 years ago, I tried to wake my DW up.. I had several conversations with her... And she didn't really seem to get it. She would not go to counseling... She didn't seem to understand how I just wanted my basic human needs met. I finally came to the realization that my marriage will never be what I need it to be. So I started thinking about an exit strategy. This is when I unexpectedly became involved with someone else. It was someone that I had known. We started talking about life and we just connected in so many different ways. We have become very good friends. We talk about everything. We know about each other's lives. We provides each other the compassion, the support, the affection, the close friendship and more that we both had been missing on our lonely marriages. She is the first person that I want to share things with... good news.. bad news.. etc. If I was not married... I would want to marry her asap and spend the rest of my life with her. But we are both trapped in lonely marriages with kids. There is no easy way to end two marriages without hurting people that we care about. Please keep in mind.. I do not hate my DW.. I just do not want to be married to her.

So when I finally ask for a divorce... It should not be a surprise... but my DW might be in denial and acted surprised. And if the OW that I love and I start a public relationship... Will my current DW blame my OW for the divorce? My DW had over 20 years to be more than a roommate. I have told her several times that I am not happy. And she has never tried to counter that she is a good wife. My DW will hate the OW, but if the OW becomes my new DW... then my STBX will have to learn how to co-parent with her.

So OP.. I do not know the details of your relationship with your DW... but there may have been warning signs that you overlooked. If you have kids and your xDH marries the OW.. you need to get over it for the sake of the kids.


About

Please get your own thread about why it's easier to lie to your wife and makes choices without her consent than it is to be honest with her about your needs.

Oh please. First, according to the dude, he is honest with DW about his needs. Second, yes, it is always much easier to adjust and not rock the boat than overhaul your whole life. Especially, if there are children envolved.

I wish more people just cheated on each other and maintained good co-parenting relationships. At least the kids wouldn't get screwed over!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There I said it. Yes, I can hear it already ..... the issue is between you and your husband.....if you had been a better wife he wouldn't have looked elsewhere......were you putting out? ...... You married the wrong guy...... Your husband made vows to you, the OW has no obligation ..... Work on yourself .... stop focusing any energy that way ....... What issues did you bring to this situation...... Get some counseling....

I'm tired of the OW getting off the hook so easy. My marriage is finished. While I'm carrying around a 200 pound sand bag of grief, trying to put my life back together, shock, and feeling very PTSD-ish. It seems like I'm the only one paying a huge price for THEIR choices. He could have f'ing left. And she could have kept her legs together and waited for some hot single dude.

I hate my husband. I hate the other woman. So There.

I have read some of the post on this thread.. It is easy to judge, but it really is not fair because it is impossible that any two situations involving someone married and an affair with someone else is the same exact situation.


I am a DH involved with an OW. We are both married and have kids. Neither of us had "cheated" before our relationship. I have been married for over 20 years. For me, it has been a lonely marriage. Very little affection and very little sex. My DW and I have not had sex in over 10 years. I kept hoping my marriage would get better. I got in shape... I help out a lot around the house... I am a very active Dad... I tried different romantic initiatives.. I tried having conversations with her to discuss the issues... I suggested that we seek counseling... Nothing helped. My DW seems happy to just be co-parent roommates. It is very possible that my DW is asexual. But even asexual people show affection towards other people. My DW has no issue showing real affection to our kids. My life had become a lonely one. About 3 years ago, I tried to wake my DW up.. I had several conversations with her... And she didn't really seem to get it. She would not go to counseling... She didn't seem to understand how I just wanted my basic human needs met. I finally came to the realization that my marriage will never be what I need it to be. So I started thinking about an exit strategy. This is when I unexpectedly became involved with someone else. It was someone that I had known. We started talking about life and we just connected in so many different ways. We have become very good friends. We talk about everything. We know about each other's lives. We provides each other the compassion, the support, the affection, the close friendship and more that we both had been missing on our lonely marriages. She is the first person that I want to share things with... good news.. bad news.. etc. If I was not married... I would want to marry her asap and spend the rest of my life with her. But we are both trapped in lonely marriages with kids. There is no easy way to end two marriages without hurting people that we care about. Please keep in mind.. I do not hate my DW.. I just do not want to be married to her.

So when I finally ask for a divorce... It should not be a surprise... but my DW might be in denial and acted surprised. And if the OW that I love and I start a public relationship... Will my current DW blame my OW for the divorce? My DW had over 20 years to be more than a roommate. I have told her several times that I am not happy. And she has never tried to counter that she is a good wife. My DW will hate the OW, but if the OW becomes my new DW... then my STBX will have to learn how to co-parent with her.

So OP.. I do not know the details of your relationship with your DW... but there may have been warning signs that you overlooked. If you have kids and your xDH marries the OW.. you need to get over it for the sake of the kids.


About

Please get your own thread about why it's easier to lie to your wife and makes choices without her consent than it is to be honest with her about your needs.

It is easy to judge.... I use to be judgmental of people that "cheated" on their spouses.

After unsuccessfully trying to fix my marriage and waiting for my DW (whose has had an easy life) to wake up for over 17 years... it became easy to make my choices without her consent because
I feel that I have already suffered enough. People always talk about KARMA and it coming back to bite people that have "cheated" on their spouse. I have lived in a very lonely marriage and missed out on several things because of that marriage.. and there are several other negative consequences that I have to deal with which are a result of this lonely marriage that I will not go into... So I feel like I have already been on the negative side of KARMA and in a way my new relationship swings me back over to the positive side of KARMA. I may only have 10-20 years left in my life or less.. Who really knows. I have suffered enough.. So I feel like I deserve to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Everyone deserves happiness pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There I said it. Yes, I can hear it already ..... the issue is between you and your husband.....if you had been a better wife he wouldn't have looked elsewhere......were you putting out? ...... You married the wrong guy...... Your husband made vows to you, the OW has no obligation ..... Work on yourself .... stop focusing any energy that way ....... What issues did you bring to this situation...... Get some counseling....

I'm tired of the OW getting off the hook so easy. My marriage is finished. While I'm carrying around a 200 pound sand bag of grief, trying to put my life back together, shock, and feeling very PTSD-ish. It seems like I'm the only one paying a huge price for THEIR choices. He could have f'ing left. And she could have kept her legs together and waited for some hot single dude.

I hate my husband. I hate the other woman. So There.

I have read some of the post on this thread.. It is easy to judge, but it really is not fair because it is impossible that any two situations involving someone married and an affair with someone else is the same exact situation.


I am a DH involved with an OW. We are both married and have kids. Neither of us had "cheated" before our relationship. I have been married for over 20 years. For me, it has been a lonely marriage. Very little affection and very little sex. My DW and I have not had sex in over 10 years. I kept hoping my marriage would get better. I got in shape... I help out a lot around the house... I am a very active Dad... I tried different romantic initiatives.. I tried having conversations with her to discuss the issues... I suggested that we seek counseling... Nothing helped. My DW seems happy to just be co-parent roommates. It is very possible that my DW is asexual. But even asexual people show affection towards other people. My DW has no issue showing real affection to our kids. My life had become a lonely one. About 3 years ago, I tried to wake my DW up.. I had several conversations with her... And she didn't really seem to get it. She would not go to counseling... She didn't seem to understand how I just wanted my basic human needs met. I finally came to the realization that my marriage will never be what I need it to be. So I started thinking about an exit strategy. This is when I unexpectedly became involved with someone else. It was someone that I had known. We started talking about life and we just connected in so many different ways. We have become very good friends. We talk about everything. We know about each other's lives. We provides each other the compassion, the support, the affection, the close friendship and more that we both had been missing on our lonely marriages. She is the first person that I want to share things with... good news.. bad news.. etc. If I was not married... I would want to marry her asap and spend the rest of my life with her. But we are both trapped in lonely marriages with kids. There is no easy way to end two marriages without hurting people that we care about. Please keep in mind.. I do not hate my DW.. I just do not want to be married to her.

So when I finally ask for a divorce... It should not be a surprise... but my DW might be in denial and acted surprised. And if the OW that I love and I start a public relationship... Will my current DW blame my OW for the divorce? My DW had over 20 years to be more than a roommate. I have told her several times that I am not happy. And she has never tried to counter that she is a good wife. My DW will hate the OW, but if the OW becomes my new DW... then my STBX will have to learn how to co-parent with her.

So OP.. I do not know the details of your relationship with your DW... but there may have been warning signs that you overlooked. If you have kids and your xDH marries the OW.. you need to get over it for the sake of the kids.


About

Please get your own thread about why it's easier to lie to your wife and makes choices without her consent than it is to be honest with her about your needs.

It is easy to judge.... I use to be judgmental of people that "cheated" on their spouses.

After unsuccessfully trying to fix my marriage and waiting for my DW (whose has had an easy life) to wake up for over 17 years... it became easy to make my choices without her consent because
I feel that I have already suffered enough. People always talk about KARMA and it coming back to bite people that have "cheated" on their spouse. I have lived in a very lonely marriage and missed out on several things because of that marriage.. and there are several other negative consequences that I have to deal with which are a result of this lonely marriage that I will not go into... So I feel like I have already been on the negative side of KARMA and in a way my new relationship swings me back over to the positive side of KARMA. I may only have 10-20 years left in my life or less.. Who really knows. I have suffered enough.. So I feel like I deserve to be happy.

Not the OP, but yes I've already heard this speech many times, if you aren't a person who hates the OW get your own thread.

[Anonymous]

Off-topic

Karma: (in Hinduism and Buddhism) the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.

No worries about karma and the current existence of DHs, DWs, and OWs out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I honestly don't get the hatred towards OW. Shit happens. Husbands fall out of love and leave. That's life. Whatever negative feelings you harbor will only hurt you. I guess it's okay to believe in karma if that helps you get through the day, but it rarely works in real life. (Or maybe American way of looking at karma is way out of wack.)

Anyway, my advice to you: don't be hating. Move on and be happy. Doing well is the best revenge

As a cheated-on wife, I think the above is appropriate for a couple years out from the affair. But for someone a couple months out from having her life completely upended? I don't think an emotionally healthy person has a (in my case) ten year relationship end due to cheating and just turns on a dime and says "shit happens." I'm working through my sadness, thinking a lot about who I have been and who I want to be in a relationship, and also feeling angry. Those are all feelings that are very appropriate to the situation. Move on is good advice for the long term, but in the short term you need to engage with the pain and anger in order to become a stronger/better/more emotionally mature person.

No doubt you may have those feelings. But they are misdirected at the OW. No one made a commitment to OW. Blame any issue with you relationship with DH on you and your DH.

[Anonymous]

It's a justifiable immediate emotional response to someone who knowingly takes part in destroying your family. We should lay full blame and focus our negative emotions on the husband for his actions, but we can still hate that another woman was selfish and nasty enough to do something that she knew would hurt us and our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a justifiable immediate emotional response to someone who knowingly takes part in destroying your family. We should lay full blame and focus our negative emotions on the husband for his actions, but we can still hate that another woman was selfish and nasty enough to do something that she knew would hurt us and our children.

But SHE wasn't the one hurting you. It was DH. You're in the relationship with HIM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a justifiable immediate emotional response to someone who knowingly takes part in destroying your family. We should lay full blame and focus our negative emotions on the husband for his actions, but we can still hate that another woman was selfish and nasty enough to do something that she knew would hurt us and our children.

This poster gets it. It's not true hate. It's screaming about the unfairness of bearing all the pain. The DH undoubtably with the DW have responsibility for maintaining their relationship. But their relationship has no chance once a third party is in the mix. The unfairness stems from the DH and OW making decisions with knowledge the wife doesn't have. For instance, if the DH on this thread with the unhappy asexual marriage said "hey if things don't get fixed, do you mind if I have sex and emotional sharing with so and so?" The DW is totally out of the loop in that conversation no matter what a shitty wife she is. You have a right to leave your shitty marriage, but the pain experienced by finding out you've been tricked by your life partner is like no other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There I said it. Yes, I can hear it already ..... the issue is between you and your husband.....if you had been a better wife he wouldn't have looked elsewhere......were you putting out? ...... You married the wrong guy...... Your husband made vows to you, the OW has no obligation ..... Work on yourself .... stop focusing any energy that way ....... What issues did you bring to this situation...... Get some counseling....

I'm tired of the OW getting off the hook so easy. My marriage is finished. While I'm carrying around a 200 pound sand bag of grief, trying to put my life back together, shock, and feeling very PTSD-ish. It seems like I'm the only one paying a huge price for THEIR choices. He could have f'ing left. And she could have kept her legs together and waited for some hot single dude.

I hate my husband. I hate the other woman. So There.

I have read some of the post on this thread.. It is easy to judge, but it really is not fair because it is impossible that any two situations involving someone married and an affair with someone else is the same exact situation.


I am a DH involved with an OW. We are both married and have kids. Neither of us had "cheated" before our relationship. I have been married for over 20 years. For me, it has been a lonely marriage. Very little affection and very little sex. My DW and I have not had sex in over 10 years. I kept hoping my marriage would get better. I got in shape... I help out a lot around the house... I am a very active Dad... I tried different romantic initiatives.. I tried having conversations with her to discuss the issues... I suggested that we seek counseling... Nothing helped. My DW seems happy to just be co-parent roommates. It is very possible that my DW is asexual. But even asexual people show affection towards other people. My DW has no issue showing real affection to our kids. My life had become a lonely one. About 3 years ago, I tried to wake my DW up.. I had several conversations with her... And she didn't really seem to get it. She would not go to counseling... She didn't seem to understand how I just wanted my basic human needs met. I finally came to the realization that my marriage will never be what I need it to be. So I started thinking about an exit strategy. This is when I unexpectedly became involved with someone else. It was someone that I had known. We started talking about life and we just connected in so many different ways. We have become very good friends. We talk about everything. We know about each other's lives. We provides each other the compassion, the support, the affection, the close friendship and more that we both had been missing on our lonely marriages. She is the first person that I want to share things with... good news.. bad news.. etc. If I was not married... I would want to marry her asap and spend the rest of my life with her. But we are both trapped in lonely marriages with kids. There is no easy way to end two marriages without hurting people that we care about. Please keep in mind.. I do not hate my DW.. I just do not want to be married to her.

So when I finally ask for a divorce... It should not be a surprise... but my DW might be in denial and acted surprised. And if the OW that I love and I start a public relationship... Will my current DW blame my OW for the divorce? My DW had over 20 years to be more than a roommate. I have told her several times that I am not happy. And she has never tried to counter that she is a good wife. My DW will hate the OW, but if the OW becomes my new DW... then my STBX will have to learn how to co-parent with her.

So OP.. I do not know the details of your relationship with your DW... but there may have been warning signs that you overlooked. If you have kids and your xDH marries the OW.. you need to get over it for the sake of the kids.


About

DH I really sympathize with you, and I'm a cheated on ex wife. But you know this really isn't a solution. Let your wife move on with someone who authentically cares for her. And make the hard choice that you should have moved on too. The fall out from your set up is worse than you can imagine, and worse than coming clean. You deserve more, but so does your wife.

I really wish you strength and courage, because this path that your choosing is really not the lesser of two evils. And your rationalization that you're noble in making it work for the kids blah blah blah is false.