I hate the other woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There I said it. Yes, I can hear it already ..... the issue is between you and your husband.....if you had been a better wife he wouldn't have looked elsewhere......were you putting out? ...... You married the wrong guy...... Your husband made vows to you, the OW has no obligation ..... Work on yourself .... stop focusing any energy that way ....... What issues did you bring to this situation...... Get some counseling....

I'm tired of the OW getting off the hook so easy. My marriage is finished. While I'm carrying around a 200 pound sand bag of grief, trying to put my life back together, shock, and feeling very PTSD-ish. It seems like I'm the only one paying a huge price for THEIR choices. He could have f'ing left. And she could have kept her legs together and waited for some hot single dude.

I hate my husband. I hate the other woman. So There.

I have read some of the post on this thread.. It is easy to judge, but it really is not fair because it is impossible that any two situations involving someone married and an affair with someone else is the same exact situation.


I am a DH involved with an OW. We are both married and have kids. Neither of us had "cheated" before our relationship. I have been married for over 20 years. For me, it has been a lonely marriage. Very little affection and very little sex. My DW and I have not had sex in over 10 years. I kept hoping my marriage would get better. I got in shape... I help out a lot around the house... I am a very active Dad... I tried different romantic initiatives.. I tried having conversations with her to discuss the issues... I suggested that we seek counseling... Nothing helped. My DW seems happy to just be co-parent roommates. It is very possible that my DW is asexual. But even asexual people show affection towards other people. My DW has no issue showing real affection to our kids. My life had become a lonely one. About 3 years ago, I tried to wake my DW up.. I had several conversations with her... And she didn't really seem to get it. She would not go to counseling... She didn't seem to understand how I just wanted my basic human needs met. I finally came to the realization that my marriage will never be what I need it to be. So I started thinking about an exit strategy. This is when I unexpectedly became involved with someone else. It was someone that I had known. We started talking about life and we just connected in so many different ways. We have become very good friends. We talk about everything. We know about each other's lives. We provides each other the compassion, the support, the affection, the close friendship and more that we both had been missing on our lonely marriages. She is the first person that I want to share things with... good news.. bad news.. etc. If I was not married... I would want to marry her asap and spend the rest of my life with her. But we are both trapped in lonely marriages with kids. There is no easy way to end two marriages without hurting people that we care about. Please keep in mind.. I do not hate my DW.. I just do not want to be married to her.

So when I finally ask for a divorce... It should not be a surprise... but my DW might be in denial and acted surprised. And if the OW that I love and I start a public relationship... Will my current DW blame my OW for the divorce? My DW had over 20 years to be more than a roommate. I have told her several times that I am not happy. And she has never tried to counter that she is a good wife. My DW will hate the OW, but if the OW becomes my new DW... then my STBX will have to learn how to co-parent with her.

So OP.. I do not know the details of your relationship with your DW... but there may have been warning signs that you overlooked. If you have kids and your xDH marries the OW.. you need to get over it for the sake of the kids.


About

I think you're trying to make it work to avoid paying child support. That's why you're lying in wait like a spider to divorce at YOUR convenience when you "finally ask for a divorce." If you were decent, you'd let your wife make the same preparations for starting out on her own that luxury that you're giving yourself. But no, you're planning to blindside her.

It's a pretty easy read. You try to look like the good guy "for the kids" but you're really looking out for yourself, just like outré doing with the affair, looking out for yourself and throwing your wife under the bus.....twice.

Very transparent. Very low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There I said it. Yes, I can hear it already ..... the issue is between you and your husband.....if you had been a better wife he wouldn't have looked elsewhere......were you putting out? ...... You married the wrong guy...... Your husband made vows to you, the OW has no obligation ..... Work on yourself .... stop focusing any energy that way ....... What issues did you bring to this situation...... Get some counseling....

I'm tired of the OW getting off the hook so easy. My marriage is finished. While I'm carrying around a 200 pound sand bag of grief, trying to put my life back together, shock, and feeling very PTSD-ish. It seems like I'm the only one paying a huge price for THEIR choices. He could have f'ing left. And she could have kept her legs together and waited for some hot single dude.

I hate my husband. I hate the other woman. So There.

I have read some of the post on this thread.. It is easy to judge, but it really is not fair because it is impossible that any two situations involving someone married and an affair with someone else is the same exact situation.


I am a DH involved with an OW. We are both married and have kids. Neither of us had "cheated" before our relationship. I have been married for over 20 years. For me, it has been a lonely marriage. Very little affection and very little sex. My DW and I have not had sex in over 10 years. I kept hoping my marriage would get better. I got in shape... I help out a lot around the house... I am a very active Dad... I tried different romantic initiatives.. I tried having conversations with her to discuss the issues... I suggested that we seek counseling... Nothing helped. My DW seems happy to just be co-parent roommates. It is very possible that my DW is asexual. But even asexual people show affection towards other people. My DW has no issue showing real affection to our kids. My life had become a lonely one. About 3 years ago, I tried to wake my DW up.. I had several conversations with her... And she didn't really seem to get it. She would not go to counseling... She didn't seem to understand how I just wanted my basic human needs met. I finally came to the realization that my marriage will never be what I need it to be. So I started thinking about an exit strategy. This is when I unexpectedly became involved with someone else. It was someone that I had known. We started talking about life and we just connected in so many different ways. We have become very good friends. We talk about everything. We know about each other's lives. We provides each other the compassion, the support, the affection, the close friendship and more that we both had been missing on our lonely marriages. She is the first person that I want to share things with... good news.. bad news.. etc. If I was not married... I would want to marry her asap and spend the rest of my life with her. But we are both trapped in lonely marriages with kids. There is no easy way to end two marriages without hurting people that we care about. Please keep in mind.. I do not hate my DW.. I just do not want to be married to her.

So when I finally ask for a divorce... It should not be a surprise... but my DW might be in denial and acted surprised. And if the OW that I love and I start a public relationship... Will my current DW blame my OW for the divorce? My DW had over 20 years to be more than a roommate. I have told her several times that I am not happy. And she has never tried to counter that she is a good wife. My DW will hate the OW, but if the OW becomes my new DW... then my STBX will have to learn how to co-parent with her.

So OP.. I do not know the details of your relationship with your DW... but there may have been warning signs that you overlooked. If you have kids and your xDH marries the OW.. you need to get over it for the sake of the kids.


About

I think you're trying to make it work to avoid paying child support. That's why you're lying in wait like a spider to divorce at YOUR convenience when you "finally ask for a divorce." If you were decent, you'd let your wife make the same preparations for starting out on her own that luxury that you're giving yourself. But no, you're planning to blindside her.

It's a pretty easy read. You try to look like the good guy "for the kids" but you're really looking out for yourself, just like outré doing with the affair, looking out for yourself and throwing your wife under the bus.....twice.

Very transparent. Very low.

May the real OP please speak:

OP: yes. I think many posters who have been through this describe "I hate the other woman" phenomena really well.

No, my family wasn't perfect. My relationship wasn't perfect, but whose is? My marriage was very affectionate and passionate. We were both still attracted to one another and we had fun together. My husband had been "downsized" in this new economy, and it really hurt him. I picked up a second job and worked a lot of hours to keep afloat. During this time, we were both very stressed. However, I didn't search for another person to help me with my disappointment. He did. And ironically with a woman whose husband left HER for the OW. In this case, the OW knew intimately the dynamics, knew exactly what it was like to stand in my shoes, and continued anyway. I was in my marriage for good times and rough times, and when things got rough my husband turned to someone else.

So, I am very angry at both of them for the intense pain in which resulted, the trauma, the failure to Take responsibility for their choices openly in real time, and give me the option if i wanted to be part of this arrangement, instead of taking the short term feel good option at my expense. I think they both made lousy choices.

But back to what this really means. It means I am in an initial phase at being angry with them for looking out for their needs at my expense and causing compounded mountains of pain, loss, and grief for me. it's the sense of being LIED to that is the worst. I'm left not knowing if anything is real. there's no solid earth to stand on. I don't have a corner in my world where I feel safe or comforted.

So are my husband and other woman better or worse than any one else? No. Better or Worse than me? No. But I am struggling through a lot more than either one of them to put my life back together and find some new normal.

in this PC world, I felt I had to stand up for my rights, MY RIGHTS which were trampled on by my husband and the OW. The posters who described this as an immediate primal visceral reaction were spot on. MY RIGHTs, one of which is to be given enough true information from my husband, so that I could make informed decisions about things that were in my best interest. Information that was vital to my well being was purposely withheld. My husband hid this information. The OW hid this information.

I will get through this, I'll focus on the future, and it will be a happy day when I don't even think about this anymore. But there's a lot of changes that I'm adjusting to, which are changes where I was not given a choice in at the time those decisions were made.

I have a lot of compassion for people who are in shitty awful marriages. But having an affair compared to pulling the plug is a no brainier. I hope you spare your wife this, just as one human to another. Life is complicated. Leaving is complicated, but this added layer is so unnecessary.

It would have been hard to end my marriage. However, Ending my marriage this way was ........ Just ........cruel.

[Anonymous]

We're on an anonymous website and have no other option other than to take what people say at face value. What you describe as compared to the guy you are quoting are two totally different scenarios. I feel sympathetic to the guy in a loveless marriage and I feel sympathetic to you who totally got screwed because your Dh can't cope with life.

Im can see how you feel. I trust my husband and feel very secure in my relationship and feel protected and loved by him. If the rug was pulled out from under me like you have had done to you, I'm not sure I could ever trust another person again.

Also to the man you quoted, similarly I could notnimagine being married to someone who didn't want to be affectionate or sexually intimate with me. It would be a further blow to tell my spouse that I have needs and them have such little respect and love for me as to ignore my hurt and do nothing. That would be unacceptable, though I'm pretty positive I'd walk out the door.

[Anonymous]

RHinVA wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really difficult to figure out what is happening in this thread. It looks like multiple DW's and OW's posting.

You know, the statistical probability of a husband actually leaving his wife for an OW is very, very low. I think the husbands are usually just looking for a sexual outlet and not much more than that.

So, if you're the wife, and you found out your dh was cheating, it's not that he's leaving you for her. He obviously doesn't want to leave you, otherwise he would have done that instead of having an affair.

If you kick him out, he probably won't even date the OW, at least not for long. Men "affair down" and once they're single they have a different selection and might want someone different from the OW for a life partner.

As for the OWs, they are really very unhappy women with a huge fear of intimacy and commitment. I think women picture these highly sexual Jessica Rabbit type women, but they're not. They're usually just normal moms with average looks who happened to make a connection. If they're unmarried, they spend evenings, weekends and holidays alone. They're not these sassy creatures out to steal your man. In fact, if they really wanted a long-term relationship they wouldn't be dating married men.

Also, the vitriol towards the women who dated a married man without knowing he was married - that woman is not what I would even call an OW. She was just hoodwinked.

You must be a DW

I don't know what the statistical probabilities are, but the divorce rate is pretty high in this day and age. People marry and divorce for various reasons. But if thinking that DH "affaired down" makes you feel better about yourself, then go on thinking that way. Realistically, people don't date or "affair" up and down, because people are people and not real estate. DH may have chaated because you treated him as a commodity rather than a human being.

What you wrote applies to some people and not others. I'd say it is mostly DW's wishful thinking (from a perspective who has not been on either side).

+1

The divorce rate is actually pretty low and going down.

Look it up.

[Anonymous]

I've been an OW in the past. I never wanted him to leave his wife. I never wanted her or their children to find out. What was really unfair to the wife is that I was getting the best of him. I didn't have to deal with parenting with him, or running a household. It was a purely fun relationship. So far, it offered me a lot of benefits with no catastrophic consequences. I'm sure that it would be someone else if it wasn't me. He needs that thrill of chasing a woman. I wanted the thrill of being the recipient of that attention.

We could make up story lines all day about how it's hell for the OW and ruins her life. Maybe that helps some of you sleep better at night. Sometimes, people have a need and get that need met, and the world doesn't come crashing down.

[Anonymous]

^^^^nah, I still hate the other woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been an OW in the past. I never wanted him to leave his wife. I never wanted her or their children to find out. What was really unfair to the wife is that I was getting the best of him. I didn't have to deal with parenting with him, or running a household. It was a purely fun relationship. So far, it offered me a lot of benefits with no catastrophic consequences. I'm sure that it would be someone else if it wasn't me. He needs that thrill of chasing a woman. I wanted the thrill of being the recipient of that attention.

We could make up story lines all day about how it's hell for the OW and ruins her life. Maybe that helps some of you sleep better at night. Sometimes, people have a need and get that need met, and the world doesn't come crashing down.

I think everyones experiences in affairs are different. I've been a happy OW and an unhappy one. I've felt guilt for the wife and I've thought he married the wrong person. I am horrified at the thought of her finding out because I think she'd have the knee jerk reaction most spouses do and leave him. I don't feel I get the best of him though. I get what I need and so does he, which is really just sex.