If DH is a law firm partner, must I be the default parent?

[Anonymous]

When you spend 60-80 hours a week with people vested in your failure, it takes a toll.

If OP doesn't get this stress point, she might as well get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. There is a mom in my son's class who is a law firm partner and she is the only one I have ever seen at drop off or pick up or at any type of school function. It's like the dad doesn't exist. So seems like she's the default parent.

What a shock - it probably depends whether law firm partner is the husband or the wife.

I wonder if that is me you see. I am default 3/4 of the year because DH is a teacher. It is not all that good for my career. The good news is that I have my own clients, and therefore can set my own schedule, more or less. Makes it hard, though.

And I wonder if it is me. My DH works for a non-profit and, while he doesn't work long hours, has to be at his desk during working hours. The great thing about being a BigLaw partner is that you have a ton of flexibility. People who choose not to use it are hiding from their kids/spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AUSA here (who did biglaw). It's a lot of work but completely different. We work together to further the agency's mission. There's no mission in biglaw except to survive. That usually entails taking anyone who is a threat down and going out of your way to not be collaborative, and to be overly critical over stupid things to justify your existence. That's the toxic environment people are talking about.

When you spend 60-80 hours a week with people vested in your failure, it takes a toll. So, OP, your husband is probably not the best person right now. You wouldn't be either under the same circumstances. Trust.

Where the hell did you work? That's not been my biglaw experience at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. There is a mom in my son's class who is a law firm partner and she is the only one I have ever seen at drop off or pick up or at any type of school function. It's like the dad doesn't exist. So seems like she's the default parent.

What a shock - it probably depends whether law firm partner is the husband or the wife.

She picks her child up every day from school? This doesn't seem possible to me. Drop off I could see since many lawyers go in late, but pick up??

No, she doesn't pick up every day. I don't either. I work. But anytime I've been at pick up because of a special occasion (class party, holiday, etc), she is the one there.

I'm guessing she isn't a high earning partner. There are some firms that allow partners to work part time or take a slower pace for a few years, but this is only acceptable for women and they earn less because of it.

Totally disagree. I'm guessing that she has more flexibility in her schedule for one-off events like that, but would never be able to make the daily pickup work.

Yup - I agree. I am a BigLaw partner and am not part-time. I am not on the mommy track and I do not make less than my peers. I am the one who goes to class parties, events, etc. because I am the one who has the most flexibility. When you bill by the hour and have frequent meetings/court dates out of the office, you are not chained to your desk. I don't need to ask anyone for permission to work from home or take a day off. I don't have a boss or a supervisor.

[Anonymous]

If he made partner, then it's time to quit your job.

Not only will you be the default parent, but you will very likely be his first wife.

[Anonymous]

It depends. Who has more flexibility? Your marriage is a partnership, where each partner has to make the partnership work. The distribution of labor is never equal because of a wide range of variables.

You choose the tone of your marriage, parenting, career etc. I hope you choose wisely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty much. One of you has to do it, and if he is a partner, he can't.

Says who? I am a BigLaw partner and I am the default parent. Welcome to 2014.

Really, what practice area and what does your spouse do for a living?

[Anonymous]

AUSA: I worked at three different big shops in NY and DC (eventually as a income partner) and by all accounts did well enough to gracefully land at the USAO. They were all the same. The pressure of institutional attrition, client billing origination fights, and just non-sense. No, people really didn't want me to be successful beyond raising their star. I actually saw terrible things in the evaluation process of associates as a young partner, and looked up and saw my life. It wasn't just fighting with opposing counsel. It was fighting with my colleagues, pushing junior people out the door, and trying to squeeze every ounce of billing out of clients who didn't want to pay my (inflated) rates.

It was, a miserable existence. And I wasn't a peach to my husband (who was the default parent).

We drastically downsized our lifestyle expectations, but we're fine. OP needs to realize that if her husband's job is the problem, it needs to go. Or she needs to accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AUSA: I worked at three different big shops in NY and DC (eventually as a income partner) and by all accounts did well enough to gracefully land at the USAO. They were all the same. The pressure of institutional attrition, client billing origination fights, and just non-sense. No, people really didn't want me to be successful beyond raising their star. I actually saw terrible things in the evaluation process of associates as a young partner, and looked up and saw my life. It wasn't just fighting with opposing counsel. It was fighting with my colleagues, pushing junior people out the door, and trying to squeeze every ounce of billing out of clients who didn't want to pay my (inflated) rates.

It was, a miserable existence. And I wasn't a peach to my husband (who was the default parent).

We drastically downsized our lifestyle expectations, but we're fine. OP needs to realize that if her husband's job is the problem, it needs to go. Or she needs to accept it.

A voice of reason.

[Anonymous]

AUSA: Thanks. OP, you need to step back and really look at what you want for your marriage. Your husband does too. Because clearly, this isn't it or you wouldn't be complaining on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. There is a mom in my son's class who is a law firm partner and she is the only one I have ever seen at drop off or pick up or at any type of school function. It's like the dad doesn't exist. So seems like she's the default parent.

What a shock - it probably depends whether law firm partner is the husband or the wife.

I wonder if that is me you see. I am default 3/4 of the year because DH is a teacher. It is not all that good for my career. The good news is that I have my own clients, and therefore can set my own schedule, more or less. Makes it hard, though.

You realize that you are the default parent not because DH is a teacher, but because you are a woman, right? I am also a teacher and the default parent--as is 95% of the other female-mother teachers I work with, including those whose husbands are in BigLaw. Division of parenting responsibilities--even beyond the breast-feeding stage--is still remarkably sexist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. There is a mom in my son's class who is a law firm partner and she is the only one I have ever seen at drop off or pick up or at any type of school function. It's like the dad doesn't exist. So seems like she's the default parent.

What a shock - it probably depends whether law firm partner is the husband or the wife.

I wonder if that is me you see. I am default 3/4 of the year because DH is a teacher. It is not all that good for my career. The good news is that I have my own clients, and therefore can set my own schedule, more or less. Makes it hard, though.

You realize that you are the default parent not because DH is a teacher, but because you are a woman, right? I am also a teacher and the default parent--as is 95% of the other female-mother teachers I work with, including those whose husbands are in BigLaw. Division of parenting responsibilities--even beyond the breast-feeding stage--is still remarkably sexist.

Because there is no reason for the parent who gets summers and school holidays off to be the default parent other than sexism? Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. There is a mom in my son's class who is a law firm partner and she is the only one I have ever seen at drop off or pick up or at any type of school function. It's like the dad doesn't exist. So seems like she's the default parent.

What a shock - it probably depends whether law firm partner is the husband or the wife.

I wonder if that is me you see. I am default 3/4 of the year because DH is a teacher. It is not all that good for my career. The good news is that I have my own clients, and therefore can set my own schedule, more or less. Makes it hard, though.

You realize that you are the default parent not because DH is a teacher, but because you are a woman, right? I am also a teacher and the default parent--as is 95% of the other female-mother teachers I work with, including those whose husbands are in BigLaw. Division of parenting responsibilities--even beyond the breast-feeding stage--is still remarkably sexist.

Because there is no reason for the parent who gets summers and school holidays off to be the default parent other than sexism? Come on.

Did you read the previous PP? This woman is a law firm partner, her DH is a teacher, and SHE is the one who is the default parent.

It makes sense for many reasons for teachers to be the default parent--which is one reason why so many women are attracted to teaching as a career--but it really only serves to reinforce the idea that parenting responsibilities remain largely divided along gender lines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. There is a mom in my son's class who is a law firm partner and she is the only one I have ever seen at drop off or pick up or at any type of school function. It's like the dad doesn't exist. So seems like she's the default parent.

What a shock - it probably depends whether law firm partner is the husband or the wife.

I wonder if that is me you see. I am default 3/4 of the year because DH is a teacher. It is not all that good for my career. The good news is that I have my own clients, and therefore can set my own schedule, more or less. Makes it hard, though.

You realize that you are the default parent not because DH is a teacher, but because you are a woman, right? I am also a teacher and the default parent--as is 95% of the other female-mother teachers I work with, including those whose husbands are in BigLaw. Division of parenting responsibilities--even beyond the breast-feeding stage--is still remarkably sexist.

Because there is no reason for the parent who gets summers and school holidays off to be the default parent other than sexism? Come on.

Did you read the previous PP? This woman is a law firm partner, her DH is a teacher, and SHE is the one who is the default parent.

It makes sense for many reasons for teachers to be the default parent--which is one reason why so many women are attracted to teaching as a career--but it really only serves to reinforce the idea that parenting responsibilities remain largely divided along gender lines.

I don't think that was her point. I think she was saying she was the default parent as far as school events, drop off and pick up, because her DH as a teacher does not have the flexibility to do these things. As a teacher, you must be at work at a certain time and it is very difficult to leave during the school day. I am a teacher and I never do drop off for my kids because I am already teaching 90 minutes before they are in school. My husband (not a lawyer, but still busy at his own job) does all the drop offs and many of the field trips/parties because it is easier for him to run out for a couple of hours during the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. There is a mom in my son's class who is a law firm partner and she is the only one I have ever seen at drop off or pick up or at any type of school function. It's like the dad doesn't exist. So seems like she's the default parent.

What a shock - it probably depends whether law firm partner is the husband or the wife.

I wonder if that is me you see. I am default 3/4 of the year because DH is a teacher. It is not all that good for my career. The good news is that I have my own clients, and therefore can set my own schedule, more or less. Makes it hard, though.

You realize that you are the default parent not because DH is a teacher, but because you are a woman, right? I am also a teacher and the default parent--as is 95% of the other female-mother teachers I work with, including those whose husbands are in BigLaw. Division of parenting responsibilities--even beyond the breast-feeding stage--is still remarkably sexist.

Because there is no reason for the parent who gets summers and school holidays off to be the default parent other than sexism? Come on.

Did you read the previous PP? This woman is a law firm partner, her DH is a teacher, and SHE is the one who is the default parent.

It makes sense for many reasons for teachers to be the default parent--which is one reason why so many women are attracted to teaching as a career--but it really only serves to reinforce the idea that parenting responsibilities remain largely divided along gender lines.

I don't think that was her point. I think she was saying she was the default parent as far as school events, drop off and pick up, because her DH as a teacher does not have the flexibility to do these things. As a teacher, you must be at work at a certain time and it is very difficult to leave during the school day. I am a teacher and I never do drop off for my kids because I am already teaching 90 minutes before they are in school. My husband (not a lawyer, but still busy at his own job) does all the drop offs and many of the field trips/parties because it is easier for him to run out for a couple of hours during the day.

Doing just drop offs (not pick ups) and volunteering for school events do not constitute default parent. My DH does both drop offs and volunteers on occasion (and he is an attorney), but he is by no means the default. I am the one who *manages* everything having to do with the kids' lives, and I am a teacher. I do pick ups, afterschool, arrange playdates, email teachers, sign up for activities, buy all the clothes and school supplies, keep track of doctor's appointments and--when necessary--dispensing medications, notice and trim nails, buy diapers appropriately sized, notice the types of food that the kids eat, buy the ingredients for lunches, make grocery lists, notice and buy toiletries for the whole family, buy food for the pets, arrange vet appointments, etc. That is the default parent. And I am guessing that PP attorney default mom may not do the drop offs, but she probably does most of the above list.