When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am DW . My husband went for the emotional affair after our discussion . I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! Good luck!

After your discussion in which you rebuffed his advance?

[Anonymous]

We have sex about 4x a week. The other days i give him oral. He thinks there is something wrong with me because I don't have an orgasm. There is something wrong- foreplay would be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, per comment above, we had the talk last night instead of during date night. Date night tonight. We will see if things improve. Very interesting perspective from DW. Thanks for suggestions.

What did you say and how did she react?

Said that I loved her, loved having sex with her. Lack of sex really taking a toll on our marriage. Has been this way for a while, thought it was going to improve as kids got older but hasn't and has gotten less frequent. Said I would like to solve this before our marriage unravels.

DW was very surprised although I surprised she could possibly be surprised (what grown woman doesn't understand how important sex is to men?). Said she rates our marriage a 10 out of 10. Knows this has been an issue, it's not me, it's the situation, i.e. can't think about sex after day with kids, etc. Said she hopes with kids going back to school there will be time to get to gym, feel sexy, more "her" time. She is a SAHM.

Talked about solutions. She said I just need to tell her when I need sex, she will do whatever I need even if she is not in the mood. I said it's really difficult to initiate when it is clear it would be "bothering" her. She said she would much rather be bothered than to lose her marriage.

Talked about open marriage (she brought it up, asked if that was what I was looking for). She is really against it. We had friends that did it, ended up divorced a year later (they have kids). Surprisingly, she said that if I cheated, she really doesn't want to know, but she doesn't want me to have an affair. Said that the difference is if something happened on the road while on business that she better not find out, but if I was having an affair in town, she would want to know since that is more emotional and premeditated.

Had sex Friday and Saturday. Amazing how just having sex can soothe differences. I am going to more assertive in pushing for sex, take her up on her suggestion to use her if I need it because she would rather that than an affair or divorce. I want to get snipped, get her of BC, but for reasons she can't really say, she said she doesn't want me to get fixed yet even though we are both late 30s and to old for more kids.

Thanks for feedback. I think there is a lot to be said for bouncing ideas of anonymous forums.

It is amazing how many issues in marriage fade away when people start having sex again. If couples could find away to just fuck away the disagreements the divorce rate would plummet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I have to tell my wife I'm going to divorce her before she'll make the effort to have sex with me, I don't want to have sex with her. That's just rapey.

To the OP - probably you've thought of this, but take a close look at birth control if she's on any. Hormones can really screw with a woman without her realizing that's what is snuffing her sex drive.

+1000. Please look closely at this. I was on the pill for all of my 30s and my sex drive tanked. I complained to my health care provider about my low libido and she never suggested that the pill might be a problem. Went off the pill for other reasons and I'm having fabulous sex at 45. If your wife is on any kind of daily b/c, try stopping for awhile and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

So I read all 10 pages and was mentally preparing some advice (based on real world experience).
But then on this last page, I read your latest post OP.
I can see now exactly what the problem is: you don't have the balls to actually initiate sex.
She told you she's a willing partner.
You just need to initiate.
Do you know how to do that? Initiate sex?

Or maybe the problem is you lack the skills to initiate sex.
Are you too whiny (can we pleeeease have sex honey darling it's been 3 weeks and I can't go much longer)
or too subtle (I brushed lightly against her leg but she didn't immediately strip naked and hump me).
Do you actually know how to initiate sex in a masculine way?

Wow I almost unloaded a real post about dealing with sexless marriage.
But all we have hear is a guy who is either too afraid, or too clueless,
to initiate sex with his receptive (though very distracted, and sexually selfish) wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I read all 10 pages and was mentally preparing some advice (based on real world experience).
But then on this last page, I read your latest post OP.
I can see now exactly what the problem is: you don't have the balls to actually initiate sex.
She told you she's a willing partner.
You just need to initiate.
Do you know how to do that? Initiate sex?

Or maybe the problem is you lack the skills to initiate sex.
Are you too whiny (can we pleeeease have sex honey darling it's been 3 weeks and I can't go much longer)
or too subtle (I brushed lightly against her leg but she didn't immediately strip naked and hump me).
Do you actually know how to initiate sex in a masculine way?

Wow I almost unloaded a real post about dealing with sexless marriage.
But all we have hear is a guy who is either too afraid, or too clueless,
to initiate sex with his receptive (though very distracted, and sexually selfish) wife.

How could you have possibly come to this conclusion ?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a wife with a husband that has a high sex drive. Well at least compared to what I can keep up with. We have sex about 3-4 times a week, but he thinks it's not enough if it's not every night.

We have two young kids and especially after our second was born, he was really in a bad place with the lack of sex (we never got down to less than once a week, but his standards are his standards regardless). Especially while I was breast feeding, but for the first two years or so after the second child was born, I was just utterly exhausted. So so tired. Not feeling like myself, touched out, feeling fat and out of shape (never have been more than a size six, but your body changes so much), etc. Typical story. And his anger with me about not meeting his needs was such a turn off. It felt like I was giving giving giving and all anyone in my life was doing was demanding more from me and it was never enough.

He would tell me I should just take more time for myself, but then if I did, he would complain about being with the kids or make sure I knew what a bad night he'd had when I got home or just be really short with them. I did everything for the kids and the house and our lives even though I worked full time too. He would act like there was something wrong with me for not being interested, when in reality he was just so needy about it and totally not understanding of my needs and my feelings, and it was so not sexy. It became just one more thing to check off my list of a bazillion things to do. He didn't seem to get that having children was going to mean that his needs were going to need to take a step down for at least a little while. My needs were basically completely disregarded by him, but he whined about his own needs constantly.

Anyway, about a year into the second child's life, he was in a really bad place with the perceived lack of sex and he did have an affair with someone at work. It was utterly devastating. I have never been so surprised and hurt in my entire life. It is something I will never get over and on will always remember the pain of that first week after he told me like it was yesterday. Utterly crippling for a year, and then lingering pain for two years following.

It's been four years now, and we did stay together, but I will never forgive him or respect him in the way I would if he had owned that a lot of our unhappiness was something that was his fault too and really worked to meet me part way to resolve our issue rather than just being selfish and taking matters outside of the agreement we had in our marriage.

Now all that said, I'm not sure what it would have taken for me to realy get how unhappy he was. I'd like to think that if he had really stepped up and truly acted like he cared about me rather than just demanding that I be an outlet for his sexual needs, that that would have helped. If he had said "this is so serious to me that I am contemplating divorce and here is the name and date of the counselor I have found and scheduled for us to talk this through," it would have made a the difference. As it was, we chatted about counseling a couple times and it always fell on me to get it scheduled. For someone feeling way overwhelmed anyway, adding something to my list of things to take responsibility for was just another nail in the coffin. Need something done? It's much sexier to take action on your own to make it happen than to whine and expect your wife to come up with solutions to your problem.

So from someone who's been there - don't cheat on your wife. Be totally honest with her about how bad it's gotten for you, book a counselor (seriously) to show her how important she is to you, and do some serious soul searching about how you contribute to her lack of sex drive. Do some reading about what turns women on and think about your wife and what has turned her on in the past. Have some conversations about. Ask her. That would be a good date night over wine conversation - loosen her up and show sincere interest in what is sexy to her.

And for Christ sake, get her off the pill. If anything kills libido, that's it. Don't cheat on a woman and complain that she is asexual without taking that incredibly obvious step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...snip...
Wow I almost unloaded a real post about dealing with sexless marriage.
But all we have hear is a guy who is either too afraid, or too clueless,
to initiate sex with his receptive (though very distracted, and sexually selfish) wife.

How could you have possibly come to this conclusion ?

Because OP told us so:

Anonymous wrote:..snip...
Talked about solutions. She said I just need to tell her when I need sex, she will do whatever I need even if she is not in the mood. I said it's really difficult to initiate when it is clear it would be "bothering" her. She said she would much rather be bothered than to lose her marriage...snip...

Furthermore, he never once mentioned that she has ever rejected his advance. Only that he perceives she's not in the mood.
I think we are just dealing with a too passive husband here. So in this case, I think he needs to just man-up and learn how to playfully approach his wife for sex.

Alternatively, this couple might be well served by scheduling sex: agree on the exact frequency and the days/times each week. It's his job to remind her, it's her job to go along with the agreed days/times.

[Anonymous]

I'm always baffled by the "I knew he was unhappy with our sex life, but I wish he'd let me know he was seriously unhappy" posts. If he's gotten to the point he is making you aware of his dissatisfaction, it's serious. Unless he's the kind of guy who whines generally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm always baffled by the "I knew he was unhappy with our sex life, but I wish he'd let me know he was seriously unhappy" posts. If he's gotten to the point he is making you aware of his dissatisfaction, it's serious. Unless he's the kind of guy who whines generally.

I'm the long-winded poster above. There are lots of things people are unhappy about but willing to put up with, and lots if things people are unhappy about but they put up with temporarily because other stuff is taking precedent. I was unhappy (and let him know) that he wasn't helping with the kids at all, that he was angry most if time, unwilling to recognize my needs, etc. Not so much that I was willing to leave him or cheat (didn't really have time for either anyway). Took him having an affair to wake up to the validity if my needs too.

[Anonymous]

^^BRAVO^^ I am only 1 month into discovering DHs affair. You said it all!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always baffled by the "I knew he was unhappy with our sex life, but I wish he'd let me know he was seriously unhappy" posts. If he's gotten to the point he is making you aware of his dissatisfaction, it's serious. Unless he's the kind of guy who whines generally.

I'm the long-winded poster above. There are lots of things people are unhappy about but willing to put up with, and lots if things people are unhappy about but they put up with temporarily because other stuff is taking precedent. I was unhappy (and let him know) that he wasn't helping with the kids at all, that he was angry most if time, unwilling to recognize my needs, etc. Not so much that I was willing to leave him or cheat (didn't really have time for either anyway). Took him having an affair to wake up to the validity if my needs too.

Thanks for responding. There was a lot of value in your post above. I didn't have the time to write anything more extensive than what I put in the PP, so my apologies if I was dismissive.

When I've expressed unhappiness about our sex life, my wife has raised issues of, for example, being tired from all the work around the house or needing help with the kids. No problem. I step up my efforts with the kids. I step up my efforts with the housework. I've been patient -- eventually the kids went to school full time. She expressed a need, I made an effort to address them. You think that moved the needle on our sex life a bit? Nope. So, even though she was probably sincere when she said those were things killing her sex drive, I'm just left feeling like a manipulated chump. I make her life easier. So, does she spend her extra leisure time thinking of ways to make our sex life better? Nope. She just fills up her hours with extra hobbies and tasks.

So, your post makes me wonder if it takes some over-the-top, unconscionable asshole move like an affair to wake her the fuck up to the fact that our sex life sucks, and after years of patience and heart-to-heart talking and trying to meet the preconditions she throws in the way, I'm starting to despair and come to the conclusion that our sex life will never, ever get better.

[Anonymous]

Because OP told us so:

Anonymous wrote:..snip...
Talked about solutions. She said I just need to tell her when I need sex, she will do whatever I need even if she is not in the mood. I said it's really difficult to initiate when it is clear it would be "bothering" her. She said she would much rather be bothered than to lose her marriage...snip...

Furthermore, he never once mentioned that she has ever rejected his advance. Only that he perceives she's not in the mood.
I think we are just dealing with a too passive husband here. So in this case, I think he needs to just man-up and learn how to playfully approach his wife for sex.



So, how do you navigate that narrow passage. I flirt with my wife and get a stony, uninterested response that indicates, "aww crap, not this again." How do you know when pushing ahead will be unwelcome and, therefore, rapey versus when pushing ahead will be a well-received aggressive initiation. No means no, after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Because OP told us so:

Anonymous wrote:..snip...
Talked about solutions. She said I just need to tell her when I need sex, she will do whatever I need even if she is not in the mood. I said it's really difficult to initiate when it is clear it would be "bothering" her. She said she would much rather be bothered than to lose her marriage...snip...

Furthermore, he never once mentioned that she has ever rejected his advance. Only that he perceives she's not in the mood.
I think we are just dealing with a too passive husband here. So in this case, I think he needs to just man-up and learn how to playfully approach his wife for sex.

So, how do you navigate that narrow passage. I flirt with my wife and get a stony, uninterested response that indicates, "aww crap, not this again." How do you know when pushing ahead will be unwelcome and, therefore, rapey versus when pushing ahead will be a well-received aggressive initiation. No means no, after all.

OP here. I don't know if my DW had every truly rejected a sexual advance, except when she was sick. I had a couple of episodes where I tried and continued to playfully initiate when she was clearly not in the mood. She relented, but it was pretty obvious she was annoyed to be having sex.

Let me assure you of something: there is a BIG difference between allowing your wife to be your sexual outlet even if she isn't in the mood when the outlet (blow jobs, quickies) comes from a place of love, i.e. she isn't in the mood but she really enjoys bringing her husband pleasure. Conversely, it is soul crushing to push for sex with someone who is clearly wishing you would just get off of her so she can get back to Real Housewives of _____" Surely you see the difference. While there are obviously better ways to initiate than others (playful flirtation vs. sulking demands) to suggest that the problem in high v. low drive marriages is merely that people don't initiate properly nonsense.

For what it's worth, when my DW suggested I just fuck her if I need it so bad, I tried to explain how humiliating that can be. Imagine if she was the high drive spouse, I had no desire: She comes to the living room, dressed sexy with a glass of wine. Flirts and touches me suggestively. I tell her to give me 20 minutes until SportsCenter is over, then go into the bedroom, pull down her pants, push a vibrator on her, seem totally distracted during her orgasm, and get up immediately after and go back to the couch. Would anyone here dare suggest my DW should just be fine that I allowed her to use me as an outlet when she initiated so what does she have to complain about?

[Anonymous]

Slight tangent - is there value to forcing an explicit rejection to an initiation? Does that compel the low drive spouse to recognize the problem in a productive way that avoiding the initiation does not?