Do I Tell My Husband's Mistress's Husband About the Affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those thinking the husband or OW might go bezerk-- this is a risk they've lived with for three years.

I would tell. Honesty would be refreshing, wouldn't it?

It's a risk to get cancer. You don't pick up a bag of uranium.

All at once you can get.
Instant poverty... Try it with kids, it will take years off your life
Potential violence or even suicide/murder.... The ramifications would never end.
Ramifications of many kinds negatively effecting the children
No recourse, no change of heart.. All options taken off the table.


That's why it's dumb. Smart people watch out for the welfare of their children and themselves. Impulsive people end up on "cops" or "honey boo boo"....age and die young.

OR... She can finally feel good having exposed the truth to all those involved, clean up in a no contest divorce, and sleep soundly at night not next to a scumbag.

At a very minimum, she can get her heart broken and go through the trauma of a divorce. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. You only want to share that information to hurt the other cheater. Don't pretend that your malice is some measure of kindness to the other spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those thinking the husband or OW might go bezerk-- this is a risk they've lived with for three years.

I would tell. Honesty would be refreshing, wouldn't it?

It's a risk to get cancer. You don't pick up a bag of uranium.

All at once you can get.
Instant poverty... Try it with kids, it will take years off your life
Potential violence or even suicide/murder.... The ramifications would never end.
Ramifications of many kinds negatively effecting the children
No recourse, no change of heart.. All options taken off the table.


That's why it's dumb. Smart people watch out for the welfare of their children and themselves. Impulsive people end up on "cops" or "honey boo boo"....age and die young.

OR... She can finally feel good having exposed the truth to all those involved, clean up in a no contest divorce, and sleep soundly at night not next to a scumbag.

At a very minimum, she can get her heart broken and go through the trauma of a divorce. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. You only want to share that information to hurt the other cheater. Don't pretend that your malice is some measure of kindness to the other spouse.

Agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those thinking the husband or OW might go bezerk-- this is a risk they've lived with for three years.

I would tell. Honesty would be refreshing, wouldn't it?

It's a risk to get cancer. You don't pick up a bag of uranium.

All at once you can get.
Instant poverty... Try it with kids, it will take years off your life
Potential violence or even suicide/murder.... The ramifications would never end.
Ramifications of many kinds negatively effecting the children
No recourse, no change of heart.. All options taken off the table.


That's why it's dumb. Smart people watch out for the welfare of their children and themselves. Impulsive people end up on "cops" or "honey boo boo"....age and die young.

OR... She can finally feel good having exposed the truth to all those involved, clean up in a no contest divorce, and sleep soundly at night not next to a scumbag.

At a very minimum, she can get her heart broken and go through the trauma of a divorce. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. You only want to share that information to hurt the other cheater. Don't pretend that your malice is some measure of kindness to the other spouse.

Agree!

Disagree! If I were the other spouse, I would certainly want to know. Wouldn't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those thinking the husband or OW might go bezerk-- this is a risk they've lived with for three years.

I would tell. Honesty would be refreshing, wouldn't it?

It's a risk to get cancer. You don't pick up a bag of uranium.

All at once you can get.
Instant poverty... Try it with kids, it will take years off your life
Potential violence or even suicide/murder.... The ramifications would never end.
Ramifications of many kinds negatively effecting the children
No recourse, no change of heart.. All options taken off the table.


That's why it's dumb. Smart people watch out for the welfare of their children and themselves. Impulsive people end up on "cops" or "honey boo boo"....age and die young.

OR... She can finally feel good having exposed the truth to all those involved, clean up in a no contest divorce, and sleep soundly at night not next to a scumbag.

At a very minimum, she can get her heart broken and go through the trauma of a divorce. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. You only want to share that information to hurt the other cheater. Don't pretend that your malice is some measure of kindness to the other spouse.

Agree!

Disagree! If I were the other spouse, I would certainly want to know. Wouldn't you?

I don't know if I would or not. Maybe I would.....BUT....I would not expect the person to put my need to know above their need to move on. I would realize that the other spouse has NO OBLIGATION to me and should, in fact, focus her energies on her pending divorce and her children. I would also realize the other spouse is simply telling me because they want others to share the pain that she endured and to exact some revenge on the cheating spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those thinking the husband or OW might go bezerk-- this is a risk they've lived with for three years.

I would tell. Honesty would be refreshing, wouldn't it?

It's a risk to get cancer. You don't pick up a bag of uranium.

All at once you can get.
Instant poverty... Try it with kids, it will take years off your life
Potential violence or even suicide/murder.... The ramifications would never end.
Ramifications of many kinds negatively effecting the children
No recourse, no change of heart.. All options taken off the table.


That's why it's dumb. Smart people watch out for the welfare of their children and themselves. Impulsive people end up on "cops" or "honey boo boo"....age and die young.

OR... She can finally feel good having exposed the truth to all those involved, clean up in a no contest divorce, and sleep soundly at night not next to a scumbag.

At a very minimum, she can get her heart broken and go through the trauma of a divorce. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. You only want to share that information to hurt the other cheater. Don't pretend that your malice is some measure of kindness to the other spouse.

'Trauma of divorce' is worth getting rid of a douche who wants to be a selfish fuck because he 'loves them both.' And let's not pretend like if the cheating spouse was a woman, posters wouldn't be so adamant about telling male OP to tell other woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should tell him, OP. I know a couple (two couples, rather) who were in the same situation. The cheating spouses ended up marrying each other and the wronged spouses ended up marrying each other. This was almost thirty years ago and everyone is still happily married.

I also know a family in the same situation--all of this happened 25 years ago. Must be more common than you think. Also, I worked as a flight attendant for a few years and I can tell you, affairs among airline staff are definitely very common. The "joke" in the airline industry is "there is a reason they call it the cockpit". Happens all the time.

[Anonymous]

Let me ask this way. I do not buy that telling the other spouse is an altruistic act to inform the other cheating spouse but whatever. So let me ask this - what is the benefit to OP AND HER CHILDREN to tell the other spouse? Besides alleged good feeling of getting the truth out, how does it help her and her kids?

[Anonymous]

I would tell.

If it were MY husband, I would want you to please tell me. Seriously. Please.

(FWIW, he's so not the cheating type, but if I was ever wrong in my assessment of him, I'd really appreciate a heads up.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me ask this way. I do not buy that telling the other spouse is an altruistic act to inform the other cheating spouse but whatever. So let me ask this - what is the benefit to OP AND HER CHILDREN to tell the other spouse? Besides alleged good feeling of getting the truth out, how does it help her and her kids?

Simply put, the affair is more likely to stop if it is exposed to all involved parties. The OW does not have an incentive to stop if her husband isn't told, but if he is informed, that may very well stop both cheating parties from resuming the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy. The less you make it a secret, the harder it is to continue.

Even if OP gets a divorce, the amount of time and energy and money that her husband spent on the OW are now freed to be, rightfully, directed to his own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me ask this way. I do not buy that telling the other spouse is an altruistic act to inform the other cheating spouse but whatever. So let me ask this - what is the benefit to OP AND HER CHILDREN to tell the other spouse? Besides alleged good feeling of getting the truth out, how does it help her and her kids?

Simply put, the affair is more likely to stop if it is exposed to all involved parties. The OW does not have an incentive to stop if her husband isn't told, but if he is informed, that may very well stop both cheating parties from resuming the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy. The less you make it a secret, the harder it is to continue.

Even if OP gets a divorce, the amount of time and energy and money that her husband spent on the OW are now freed to be, rightfully, directed to his own children.

OR upon learning of the info, the OW's hubby could leave or throw her out - thus making her more available to OP's DH. Affairs thrive on secrecy AND availability.

I hear what you are saying but it seems the whole benefit to telling is wholly dependent on the OW husband's reaction - which no one has any any idea of knowing beforehand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me ask this way. I do not buy that telling the other spouse is an altruistic act to inform the other cheating spouse but whatever. So let me ask this - what is the benefit to OP AND HER CHILDREN to tell the other spouse? Besides alleged good feeling of getting the truth out, how does it help her and her kids?

Simply put, the affair is more likely to stop if it is exposed to all involved parties. The OW does not have an incentive to stop if her husband isn't told, but if he is informed, that may very well stop both cheating parties from resuming the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy. The less you make it a secret, the harder it is to continue.

Even if OP gets a divorce, the amount of time and energy and money that her husband spent on the OW are now freed to be, rightfully, directed to his own children.

OR upon learning of the info, the OW's hubby could leave or throw her out - thus making her more available to OP's DH. Affairs thrive on secrecy AND availability.

I hear what you are saying but it seems the whole benefit to telling is wholly dependent on the OW husband's reaction - which no one has any any idea of knowing beforehand.

I err on the side of honesty and exposure. It strikes me as unlikely that the OW would leave her kids, as awful as she is, even if her husband throws her out. Also, since OP's husband is outed, it would be pretty incredible (in a bad way) for him to reunite with the OW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me ask this way. I do not buy that telling the other spouse is an altruistic act to inform the other cheating spouse but whatever. So let me ask this - what is the benefit to OP AND HER CHILDREN to tell the other spouse? Besides alleged good feeling of getting the truth out, how does it help her and her kids?

Simply put, the affair is more likely to stop if it is exposed to all involved parties. The OW does not have an incentive to stop if her husband isn't told, but if he is informed, that may very well stop both cheating parties from resuming the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy. The less you make it a secret, the harder it is to continue.

Even if OP gets a divorce, the amount of time and energy and money that her husband spent on the OW are now freed to be, rightfully, directed to his own children.

OR upon learning of the info, the OW's hubby could leave or throw her out - thus making her more available to OP's DH. Affairs thrive on secrecy AND availability.

I hear what you are saying but it seems the whole benefit to telling is wholly dependent on the OW husband's reaction - which no one has any any idea of knowing beforehand.

I err on the side of honesty and exposure. It strikes me as unlikely that the OW would leave her kids, as awful as she is, even if her husband throws her out. Also, since OP's husband is outed, it would be pretty incredible (in a bad way) for him to reunite with the OW.

Also, if they two wayward spouses do end up with each other even after everything is out in the open, I would much prefer that than more sneaking around. Because it is the secrecy and deception that kills the soul.

[Anonymous]

RHinVA wrote:What about telling the OW that if she doesn't tell him you will? That puts the drama of it all on her at least. Although how would you know whether she really did it.

A 3-year affair is a pretty big truth to keep from someone. That's not an "oops" affair, that's polyamory. I don't think you're creating drama, or sharing the pain, or whatever these other people have said. I think you're throwing back a veil for someone that they didn't even know was there.

It's almost like knowing someone else has cancer and wondering whether or not you should tell them about it.

Anyway, be sure to update us on what you decide to do.

Are you polyamorous? Has anyone threatened you into telling your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

RHinVA wrote:What about telling the OW that if she doesn't tell him you will? That puts the drama of it all on her at least. Although how would you know whether she really did it.

A 3-year affair is a pretty big truth to keep from someone. That's not an "oops" affair, that's polyamory. I don't think you're creating drama, or sharing the pain, or whatever these other people have said. I think you're throwing back a veil for someone that they didn't even know was there.

It's almost like knowing someone else has cancer and wondering whether or not you should tell them about it.

Anyway, be sure to update us on what you decide to do.

Are you polyamorous? Has anyone threatened you into telling your husband?

A big difference, based on RH posts, is that neither she nor her not-so-dear H are professing their undying love for each other. The fact that both cheating partners say they love their spouses and want to remain married to them is what makes this OP open for a lot of discussion. RH marriage and sexual history have, in my opinion, no basis for comparison here.

Although her attraction to greasy Georgians with crossbows is strange...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

RHinVA wrote:What about telling the OW that if she doesn't tell him you will? That puts the drama of it all on her at least. Although how would you know whether she really did it.

A 3-year affair is a pretty big truth to keep from someone. That's not an "oops" affair, that's polyamory. I don't think you're creating drama, or sharing the pain, or whatever these other people have said. I think you're throwing back a veil for someone that they didn't even know was there.

It's almost like knowing someone else has cancer and wondering whether or not you should tell them about it.

Anyway, be sure to update us on what you decide to do.

Are you polyamorous? Has anyone threatened you into telling your husband?

A big difference, based on RH posts, is that neither she nor her not-so-dear H are professing their undying love for each other. The fact that both cheating partners say they love their spouses and want to remain married to them is what makes this OP open for a lot of discussion. RH marriage and sexual history have, in my opinion, no basis for comparison here.

Although her attraction to greasy Georgians with crossbows is strange...

RH doesn't comment on the professions of love. She comments on the length of the relationship, comparing the oops, one night stand affair to the more long-term kind. That seems to be the difference for her. And apparently, the longer term affair is more like polyamory, and the spouse should be notified. Hence my questions for her.