SIL jealous of pregnancy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm tired of this notion that pregnant women are supposed to be worshiped and everyone has to fuss over them.

I'm all for offering a seat to a pregnant woman.

But I think pregnancy has become the new Bridezilla.

I was pregnant and had a miscarriage. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant, and I have a sister who is infertile (three agonizing rounds of IVF). My plan was to be very low key about the pregnancy, because I love my sister. I understand her pain, and I didn't feel like she needed to do anything with regard to my pregnancy. I lost the baby, and I still didn't tell her about it, because I didn't want her to relive all of her pain from the years of trying.

People have to remember that aside from the grandparents-to-be, no one is going to care as much about your pregnancy and baby as you and your husband. Don't be entitled. Don't expect the world to stop and gush over the fact that you got pregnant. No one should wish you ill, but you also shouldn't expect to be the center of attention.

Enjoy your own pregnancy, enjoy your baby when it comes. And thank your lucky stars that you were able to get pregnant and that you carried a healthy baby to term. Because let me tell you something, you didn't do anything special to deserve it beyond any other woman on the planet. So much of it is luck and circumstance. Can't you just enjoy and appreciate that you have a healthy pregnancy?

It's all part of the narcissism of our culture. Getting married, getting pregnant, these aren't "accomplishments." They are stages of life that either happen or don't. No one "earns" them. A huge part of it is circumstance -- you were lucky to meet someone and fall in love. You were lucky to get pregnant and have no complications. You didn't earn these things. Appreciate them. But don't expect the world to stop, and more than anything, don't expect other people who, by circumstance, have not been given what you have to suddenly worship you.

As I wrote, I know the horrible heartbreak my sister has endured. I knew before I was pregnant. And then when I miscarried, I knew firsthand.

Now I have a relative who is pregnant and has made it a point to constantly update me on every aspect of her pregnancy and how wonderful it is to experience the baby moving, on and on. She knows I lost my pregnancy. But she seems to feel like I "owe" her this.

I have congratulated her. And I don't tell her how much of a jerk she is being. But her attitude and her actions have definitely made me less interested in being a part of her life.

Being pregnant isn't an excuse to be selfish, narcissistic and unkind. In fact, I firmly believe that being pregnant is a call to invoke your deepest capacity for compassion and empathy for others because you will soon be a mother. Having a baby and being a mother isn't about you getting something you want or you being the center of attention. It is a call to be a better person because you will now be responsible for another person and for teaching them compassion and empathy.

Maybe if all people regarded pregnancy in this way, we wouldn't have so many spoiled and entitled children who grow up to be spoiled and entitled and self-centered adults.

Flame away, people!

No flames here - good points!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm tired of this notion that pregnant women are supposed to be worshiped and everyone has to fuss over them.

I'm all for offering a seat to a pregnant woman.

But I think pregnancy has become the new Bridezilla.

I was pregnant and had a miscarriage. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant, and I have a sister who is infertile (three agonizing rounds of IVF). My plan was to be very low key about the pregnancy, because I love my sister. I understand her pain, and I didn't feel like she needed to do anything with regard to my pregnancy. I lost the baby, and I still didn't tell her about it, because I didn't want her to relive all of her pain from the years of trying.

People have to remember that aside from the grandparents-to-be, no one is going to care as much about your pregnancy and baby as you and your husband. Don't be entitled. Don't expect the world to stop and gush over the fact that you got pregnant. No one should wish you ill, but you also shouldn't expect to be the center of attention.

Enjoy your own pregnancy, enjoy your baby when it comes. And thank your lucky stars that you were able to get pregnant and that you carried a healthy baby to term. Because let me tell you something, you didn't do anything special to deserve it beyond any other woman on the planet. So much of it is luck and circumstance. Can't you just enjoy and appreciate that you have a healthy pregnancy?

It's all part of the narcissism of our culture. Getting married, getting pregnant, these aren't "accomplishments." They are stages of life that either happen or don't. No one "earns" them. A huge part of it is circumstance -- you were lucky to meet someone and fall in love. You were lucky to get pregnant and have no complications. You didn't earn these things. Appreciate them. But don't expect the world to stop, and more than anything, don't expect other people who, by circumstance, have not been given what you have to suddenly worship you.

As I wrote, I know the horrible heartbreak my sister has endured. I knew before I was pregnant. And then when I miscarried, I knew firsthand.

Now I have a relative who is pregnant and has made it a point to constantly update me on every aspect of her pregnancy and how wonderful it is to experience the baby moving, on and on. She knows I lost my pregnancy. But she seems to feel like I "owe" her this.

I have congratulated her. And I don't tell her how much of a jerk she is being. But her attitude and her actions have definitely made me less interested in being a part of her life.

Being pregnant isn't an excuse to be selfish, narcissistic and unkind. In fact, I firmly believe that being pregnant is a call to invoke your deepest capacity for compassion and empathy for others because you will soon be a mother. Having a baby and being a mother isn't about you getting something you want or you being the center of attention. It is a call to be a better person because you will now be responsible for another person and for teaching them compassion and empathy.

Maybe if all people regarded pregnancy in this way, we wouldn't have so many spoiled and entitled children who grow up to be spoiled and entitled and self-centered adults.

Flame away, people!

No flames here - good points!!

Brave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate that every infertile woman I kmow go so easy on themselves for being consumed with jealosy and hatred. Jealousy is a sin and pregnant women did nothing to deserve. it. when infertile women act so horribly that no one can be around them (in most cases this includes their husband) they are only making a bad situation worse. know that infertility is hard, we tried for 4 years for our #3 - but I did not act like a rude person. And while I know that having 2 healthy children already is easier than having no children, it still was not fun. The reason I didn't turn jealous and bitter is because parenting (if done right) teaches people to be selfless - even if you are parenting an adopted child when there is a baby to take care of you have to learn to put another person before yourself. People who have primary infertility have never experienced this so they are still very childlike. My sister hasnt been able to have any children and she is down right awful. Actually, I don't know a single nice infertile woman, and I know several infertile women closely- until they get pregnant for the first time they are completely awful women. and what makes it worse is that they excuse their selfish behavior. An infertile woman's struggles DOES NOT give you a pass to hate everyone around you. If you are jealous and depressed do something about it, dont expect the world to change for YOU - and don't say "go easy on yourself" CHANGE stop being hateful and a jealous monster. It is not the worlds fault that you are infertile. No other group of people with struggles gives themselves as many "passes" to act horribly as infertile women do. Cancer patients or people with extreme money problems or a disabled child do not allow themselves to be jealous of every other person not in their situation. They do not allow themselves to refuse to be friends with people not in their situation - why do you?

Wow, this is way over the top. I do agree with the poster that women struggling with fertility issues do not get a free pass to be complete bitches, but they do deserve a measure of respect and sympathy. Really, its all about finding a reasonable middle ground. For women struggling with infertility that do have a hard time being civil to pregnant women, they may get a measure of sympathy for a while, but continuing to behave in this way in the long term will only isolate them further, which will only lead to more depression and feelings of unhappiness. If this continues for years on end, their relationships will likely be damaged beyond repair. It is their responsibility to care of themselves and work through their issues. This is the case for anybody dealt a raw deal in life. Ultimately counseling is likely in order.

[Anonymous]

I agree you are expecting too much. Infertility is hard, and painful. There are threads of women suffering from it on the ttc chain. Reading their emotions is heartbreaking. I know since I lost my fertility at 30 and then had to undergo ivf, etc.
you've never walked in her shoes, but her reaction is normal and not to be taken as a hurtful reaction.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is physically possible for the human brain to understand some things which it has not experienced, such as the TRAUMA of infertility. That's my explanation for people like the OP. Complete ignorance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is physically possible for the human brain to understand some things which it has not experienced, such as the TRAUMA of infertility. That's my explanation for people like the OP. Complete ignorance.

Sounds like you're making excuses for your own bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is physically possible for the human brain to understand some things which it has not experienced, such as the TRAUMA of infertility. That's my explanation for people like the OP. Complete ignorance.

Sounds like you're making excuses for your own bad behavior.

You are precisely the type I'm talking about.

[Anonymous]

Your sil is selfish. She should have at least emailed you.

[Anonymous]

No, OP is self centered.

Why is she fixating on this?

Can't she give this woman a pass?

Is her pregnancy any less special because one person, who is going through something painful, didn't send an email?

[Anonymous]

Why would you expect her to call and congratulate you? Assume that he told her and leave it at that. Not everyone is good at faking their emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm tired of this notion that pregnant women are supposed to be worshiped and everyone has to fuss over them.
...

I was pregnant and had a miscarriage. ...
I lost the baby, and I still didn't tell her about it, because I didn't want her to relive all of her pain from the years of trying.

People have to remember that aside from the grandparents-to-be, no one is going to care as much about your pregnancy and baby as you and your husband. .....

It's all part of the narcissism of our culture. Getting married, getting pregnant, these aren't "accomplishments." ......

....
Now I have a relative who is pregnant and has made it a point to constantly update me on every aspect of her pregnancy and how wonderful it is to experience the baby moving, on and on.

Being pregnant isn't an excuse to be selfish, narcissistic and unkind.
..........
Maybe if all people regarded pregnancy in this way, we wouldn't have so many spoiled and entitled children who grow up to be spoiled and entitled and self-centered adults.

Flame away, people!

OK, I will flame
It is good manners to be nice to people, and that includes being nice to old people and pregnant people. Mothers are valuable members of society
If you decide to not tell your sister of your pregnancy and miscarriage then you simply are not close and never were. You are just distant
You are right, nobody cares, and that is why our society is full of selfish, narcissistic and unkind people
If you have a relative who is telling you about the details of her life and you this is wrong, then by all means go and tell her. I suppose she just assumed you were a friend for some strange reason

Spoiled and entitled self centred adults are not the fault of pregnant mothers. Find someone else to blame

[Anonymous]

I have been on both sides of this situation and think it would be nice if all parties tried to understand each other. The OP seems a bit clueless about how deep infertility pain runs, and it is unclear why her brother's reaction was insufficient (she didn't note what he actually said when she told him). IMO, OP should show some compassion for the pain of infertility and not really expect formal cards/calls. On the other hand, OP's brother should acknowledge the pregnancy, say congrats, send gifts or something to showers, and not act like people should tiptoe around OP's pregnancy.

Honestly, I am not sure why everyone is focusing on the SIL instead of the brother. Maybe it's just my family dynamic, but I don't think I expected my SIL to do anything when I got pregnant. We aren't close and don't really talk that much - just really see each other a couple of times a year. My husband's brother expressed excitement/congrats when my husband told him about the baby, but I don't even remember if I heard anything from my SIL, and that didn't bother me at all. I kind of consider them to be a unit and if one of them says congrats, I don't really feel the need to hear it from the other. I invited my SIL to my shower and she came and was nice, and that was a nice thing to do but, honestly, I wouldn't be totally pissed if she didn't do anything re: my pregnancy.

Is there something missing to this story? Do all parties involved live very close to each other, see/talk to each other often? It would be really strange to constantly see someone/talk to someone and never hear anything at all (which, to me, need not consist of anything more than a simple "congratulations" and that's it). But if they aren't close anyway (which seems to be the case), why is it the SIL's duty to really do anything, especially if the brother already acknowledged the situation?

I wonder how this is going now that OP probably has had the baby by now - hopefully they resolved everything and can interact without too much stress on any side!

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Why would you expect her to call and congratulate you? Assume that he told her and leave it at that. Not everyone is good at faking their emotions.[/quote]

That's what family does. I have family members who are childless and loves me more than my parents. I have never seen them jealous of my parents since I was a child. Family should be there through good and bad. Op and her SIL should be there for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate that every infertile woman I kmow go so easy on themselves for being consumed with jealosy and hatred. Jealousy is a sin and pregnant women did nothing to deserve. it. when infertile women act so horribly that no one can be around them (in most cases this includes their husband) they are only making a bad situation worse. know that infertility is hard, we tried for 4 years for our #3 - but I did not act like a rude person. And while I know that having 2 healthy children already is easier than having no children, it still was not fun. The reason I didn't turn jealous and bitter is because parenting (if done right) teaches people to be selfless - even if you are parenting an adopted child when there is a baby to take care of you have to learn to put another person before yourself. People who have primary infertility have never experienced this so they are still very childlike. My sister hasnt been able to have any children and she is down right awful. Actually, I don't know a single nice infertile woman, and I know several infertile women closely- until they get pregnant for the first time they are completely awful women. and what makes it worse is that they excuse their selfish behavior. An infertile woman's struggles DOES NOT give you a pass to hate everyone around you. If you are jealous and depressed do something about it, dont expect the world to change for YOU - and don't say "go easy on yourself" CHANGE stop being hateful and a jealous monster. It is not the worlds fault that you are infertile. No other group of people with struggles gives themselves as many "passes" to act horribly as infertile women do. Cancer patients or people with extreme money problems or a disabled child do not allow themselves to be jealous of every other person not in their situation. They do not allow themselves to refuse to be friends with people not in their situation - why do you?

Wow, this is way over the top. I do agree with the poster that women struggling with fertility issues do not get a free pass to be complete bitches, but they do deserve a measure of respect and sympathy. Really, its all about finding a reasonable middle ground. For women struggling with infertility that do have a hard time being civil to pregnant women, they may get a measure of sympathy for a while, but continuing to behave in this way in the long term will only isolate them further, which will only lead to more depression and feelings of unhappiness. If this continues for years on end, their relationships will likely be damaged beyond repair. It is their responsibility to care of themselves and work through their issues. This is the case for anybody dealt a raw deal in life. Ultimately counseling is likely in order.

Yes, however, easier said than done....life is not so black & white when there are emotions involved.

[Anonymous]

[quote]Why would you expect her to call and congratulate you? Assume that he told her and leave it at that. Not everyone is good at faking their emotions.

That's what family does. I have family members who are childless and loves me more than my parents. I have never seen them jealous of my parents since I was a child. Family should be there through good and bad. Op and her SIL should be there for each other.[/quote]

I never congratulated my SIL on her pregnancy. I asked her how she was feeling when I saw her but that was about it. I know it's hard for some people to understand but not every family (or person) is into the whole fuss thing or sending cards for all occasions. I don't have experience with infertility but I can imagine how difficult it would be and to expect someone with whom I didn't have a close relationship to fawn over me would be setting myself up for disappointment. Just because she's an IL doesn't mean your close.