DD Classmates' Mother Confronted DD on Playground at School WTH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And 99.9% of the time it can be handled without school involvement. Sorry, but I don't think the majority of people want their taxes spent on working out little disagreements like this.

A PP here who earlier advocated getting the teacher to do fact finding.

I understand what you are saying, but in this particular context, the school should absolutely be the lead dog. If I were OP, I could not care less whether people wanted their taxes spent on this. It is part of the administrator's job to manage these types of issues in the school building.

This was a parent volunteer at the school who "confronted" a student on the school playground during school hours about an incident that happened in the school cafeteria. The school absolutely would be the appropriate party to address this with the parent volunteer.

Why are people so worried about having one adult parent talk to another adult parent? Why the insistence to go all official and legal with this very minor issue? Good Lord, I dread getting my kids through school if this is the parent mentality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And 99.9% of the time it can be handled without school involvement. Sorry, but I don't think the majority of people want their taxes spent on working out little disagreements like this.

A PP here who earlier advocated getting the teacher to do fact finding.

I understand what you are saying, but in this particular context, the school should absolutely be the lead dog. If I were OP, I could not care less whether people wanted their taxes spent on this. It is part of the administrator's job to manage these types of issues in the school building.

This was a parent volunteer at the school who "confronted" a student on the school playground during school hours about an incident that happened in the school cafeteria. The school absolutely would be the appropriate party to address this with the parent volunteer.

Why are people so worried about having one adult parent talk to another adult parent? Why the insistence to go all official and legal with this very minor issue? Good Lord, I dread getting my kids through school if this is the parent mentality.

Well, I am certainly not "worried" about talking to another parent. I have raised 4 kids and I have done it plenty. It depends on what you want to achieve. If you want to address your personal grievance with this woman, then talk to her one on one. If you want the school to be aware that someone that it allows to volunteer is stepping out of bounds, then tell the school so that the admin can prevent this type of incident in the future. MOST school admins would prefer to at least be informed on the incident. So whereas you are happy to just address your DC's incident, some of us would rather the school address the issue globally. So I would go official and legal in this case, because the other parent used her "official and legal" access to confront my kid on the school playground. She does it at the bus stop or the local park, then I handle it with her myself!

[Anonymous]

Sorry Op, now your story just rings false. You have changed the details so many times it appears you are just trying to drum up support.

The only thing you should be thinking about is whether or not your child is being as kind as she should be. If she is, it is over. If not, have a chat. The parent at school did nothing wrong. The way you add details makes me suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry Op, now your story just rings false. You have changed the details so many times it appears you are just trying to drum up support.

The only thing you should be thinking about is whether or not your child is being as kind as she should be. If she is, it is over. If not, have a chat. The parent at school did nothing wrong. The way you add details makes me suspicious.

It's pretty clear that she posted immediately after hearing the story because her blood was up, calmed down and got a few more details, and then came back. I don't think her story rings false at all. I've worked at schools and don't put anything past some parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And 99.9% of the time it can be handled without school involvement. Sorry, but I don't think the majority of people want their taxes spent on working out little disagreements like this.

A PP here who earlier advocated getting the teacher to do fact finding.

I understand what you are saying, but in this particular context, the school should absolutely be the lead dog. If I were OP, I could not care less whether people wanted their taxes spent on this. It is part of the administrator's job to manage these types of issues in the school building.

This was a parent volunteer at the school who "confronted" a student on the school playground during school hours about an incident that happened in the school cafeteria. The school absolutely would be the appropriate party to address this with the parent volunteer.

Why are people so worried about having one adult parent talk to another adult parent? Why the insistence to go all official and legal with this very minor issue? Good Lord, I dread getting my kids through school if this is the parent mentality.

Well, I am certainly not "worried" about talking to another parent. I have raised 4 kids and I have done it plenty. It depends on what you want to achieve. If you want to address your personal grievance with this woman, then talk to her one on one. If you want the school to be aware that someone that it allows to volunteer is stepping out of bounds, then tell the school so that the admin can prevent this type of incident in the future. MOST school admins would prefer to at least be informed on the incident. So whereas you are happy to just address your DC's incident, some of us would rather the school address the issue globally. So I would go official and legal in this case, because the other parent used her "official and legal" access to confront my kid on the school playground. She does it at the bus stop or the local park, then I handle it with her myself!

But I don't think you have to approach this with an attitude of "airing your personal grievances." Simply saying hey, my DD mentioned that you spoke to her about XYZ. I wanted to touch base with you about it to hear your side and to let you know that I'd be grateful if you'd talk to me first next time" is not confrontational, but it is direct and it is a way to take charge and model the kind of behavior I would think we'd like to see in our kids. I.e. knowing how to stand up for yourself in a direct yet polite way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And 99.9% of the time it can be handled without school involvement. Sorry, but I don't think the majority of people want their taxes spent on working out little disagreements like this.

A PP here who earlier advocated getting the teacher to do fact finding.

I understand what you are saying, but in this particular context, the school should absolutely be the lead dog. If I were OP, I could not care less whether people wanted their taxes spent on this. It is part of the administrator's job to manage these types of issues in the school building.

This was a parent volunteer at the school who "confronted" a student on the school playground during school hours about an incident that happened in the school cafeteria. The school absolutely would be the appropriate party to address this with the parent volunteer.

Why are people so worried about having one adult parent talk to another adult parent? Why the insistence to go all official and legal with this very minor issue? Good Lord, I dread getting my kids through school if this is the parent mentality.

Well, I am certainly not "worried" about talking to another parent. I have raised 4 kids and I have done it plenty. It depends on what you want to achieve. If you want to address your personal grievance with this woman, then talk to her one on one. If you want the school to be aware that someone that it allows to volunteer is stepping out of bounds, then tell the school so that the admin can prevent this type of incident in the future. MOST school admins would prefer to at least be informed on the incident. So whereas you are happy to just address your DC's incident, some of us would rather the school address the issue globally. So I would go official and legal in this case, because the other parent used her "official and legal" access to confront my kid on the school playground. She does it at the bus stop or the local park, then I handle it with her myself!

But I don't think you have to approach this with an attitude of "airing your personal grievances." Simply saying hey, my DD mentioned that you spoke to her about XYZ. I wanted to touch base with you about it to hear your side and to let you know that I'd be grateful if you'd talk to me first next time" is not confrontational, but it is direct and it is a way to take charge and model the kind of behavior I would think we'd like to see in our kids. I.e. knowing how to stand up for yourself in a direct yet polite way.

I am the PP with the 4 kids (now teens) and what I have found through trial and error is that the parent (if this story is true) will NOT be receptive to your direct politeness about a school playground incident. Besides that, I am not always concerned with behavior modeling but I admit that I am old and tired. LOL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And 99.9% of the time it can be handled without school involvement. Sorry, but I don't think the majority of people want their taxes spent on working out little disagreements like this.

A PP here who earlier advocated getting the teacher to do fact finding.

I understand what you are saying, but in this particular context, the school should absolutely be the lead dog. If I were OP, I could not care less whether people wanted their taxes spent on this. It is part of the administrator's job to manage these types of issues in the school building.

This was a parent volunteer at the school who "confronted" a student on the school playground during school hours about an incident that happened in the school cafeteria. The school absolutely would be the appropriate party to address this with the parent volunteer.

Why are people so worried about having one adult parent talk to another adult parent? Why the insistence to go all official and legal with this very minor issue? Good Lord, I dread getting my kids through school if this is the parent mentality.

Well, I am certainly not "worried" about talking to another parent. I have raised 4 kids and I have done it plenty. It depends on what you want to achieve. If you want to address your personal grievance with this woman, then talk to her one on one. If you want the school to be aware that someone that it allows to volunteer is stepping out of bounds, then tell the school so that the admin can prevent this type of incident in the future. MOST school admins would prefer to at least be informed on the incident. So whereas you are happy to just address your DC's incident, some of us would rather the school address the issue globally. So I would go official and legal in this case, because the other parent used her "official and legal" access to confront my kid on the school playground. She does it at the bus stop or the local park, then I handle it with her myself!

But I don't think you have to approach this with an attitude of "airing your personal grievances." Simply saying hey, my DD mentioned that you spoke to her about XYZ. I wanted to touch base with you about it to hear your side and to let you know that I'd be grateful if you'd talk to me first next time" is not confrontational, but it is direct and it is a way to take charge and model the kind of behavior I would think we'd like to see in our kids. I.e. knowing how to stand up for yourself in a direct yet polite way.

I am the PP with the 4 kids (now teens) and what I have found through trial and error is that the parent (if this story is true) will NOT be receptive to your direct politeness about a school playground incident. Besides that, I am not always concerned with behavior modeling but I admit that I am old and tired. LOL!

I hear you. I guess I just think that if the parent isn't receptive to an adult conversation, then THAT tells me I may have to get the school involved. I guess by the time I get to the same place maybe I'll feel the same way. Particularly if I have to deal with this level of drama on a regular basis. Please tell me this isn't that common!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And 99.9% of the time it can be handled without school involvement. Sorry, but I don't think the majority of people want their taxes spent on working out little disagreements like this.

A PP here who earlier advocated getting the teacher to do fact finding.

I understand what you are saying, but in this particular context, the school should absolutely be the lead dog. If I were OP, I could not care less whether people wanted their taxes spent on this. It is part of the administrator's job to manage these types of issues in the school building.

This was a parent volunteer at the school who "confronted" a student on the school playground during school hours about an incident that happened in the school cafeteria. The school absolutely would be the appropriate party to address this with the parent volunteer.

Why are people so worried about having one adult parent talk to another adult parent? Why the insistence to go all official and legal with this very minor issue? Good Lord, I dread getting my kids through school if this is the parent mentality.

Well, I am certainly not "worried" about talking to another parent. I have raised 4 kids and I have done it plenty. It depends on what you want to achieve. If you want to address your personal grievance with this woman, then talk to her one on one. If you want the school to be aware that someone that it allows to volunteer is stepping out of bounds, then tell the school so that the admin can prevent this type of incident in the future. MOST school admins would prefer to at least be informed on the incident. So whereas you are happy to just address your DC's incident, some of us would rather the school address the issue globally. So I would go official and legal in this case, because the other parent used her "official and legal" access to confront my kid on the school playground. She does it at the bus stop or the local park, then I handle it with her myself!

But I don't think you have to approach this with an attitude of "airing your personal grievances." Simply saying hey, my DD mentioned that you spoke to her about XYZ. I wanted to touch base with you about it to hear your side and to let you know that I'd be grateful if you'd talk to me first next time" is not confrontational, but it is direct and it is a way to take charge and model the kind of behavior I would think we'd like to see in our kids. I.e. knowing how to stand up for yourself in a direct yet polite way.

I am the PP with the 4 kids (now teens) and what I have found through trial and error is that the parent (if this story is true) will NOT be receptive to your direct politeness about a school playground incident. Besides that, I am not always concerned with behavior modeling but I admit that I am old and tired. LOL!

I hear you. I guess I just think that if the parent isn't receptive to an adult conversation, then THAT tells me I may have to get the school involved. I guess by the time I get to the same place maybe I'll feel the same way. Particularly if I have to deal with this level of drama on a regular basis. Please tell me this isn't that common!

I would love to tell you that it is uncommon although you will determine how much drama you want to be exposed to. Having had 4 kids in schools and various activities in this area, I can say that it will be an interesting ride. I will also tell you, however, that you will learn YOUR most effective way to deal with situations like this. After a while, you will just chuckle and shake your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be absolutely acceptable to ask the school to ban this woman from playground duty. An adult approaching a child during the school day, on school property and while in service to the school in order to hash out a personal grievance with that child is beyond the pale. She took advantage of the fact that your daughter was in a vulnerable position, when she could corner her with no adults nearby, and that should not be acceptable to any parent or responsible adult.

Nice try OP.

I wrote that, and I am not OP.

I also thought it was OP at first then realized it was too well-written to be OP.

[Anonymous]

NP here. This seems a silly over reaction on both parts; and certainly a reflection of the mothers more than the children. Children need to learn how to handle things on their own. I can see a bit of helicoptering (though I detest this word) in preschool or even kinder, but after that, *if* there was no physical altercation, let it go, really.

I completely agree with the school's no saving policy, as an aside.

Will this kind of incident lead to no more parent volunteers at schools because some mothers are there to serve their own agendas? This would mean NONE of the moms could volunteer at our school, seriously. I think parents need to choose their battles, on *both* sides here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, you're overreacting on every front.
1. Parents are on the playground all the time at our school. There's nothing more normal. You're "furious"? Perhaps you need to spend more time at the school yourself.
2. Her daughter came home upset that your daughter was mean to her.
3. She spoke politely to your daughter about an issue with your daughter
4. Your daughter is old enough not to have HER mother stand between her and the rest of the world, at least on this level.

I was going to say "I can't believe that...", but yes, I can believe that your first reaction isn't to have a conversation with your daughter about her mean girl tendencies, but to flip out on DCUM about the presence of a parent on the playground. Please get your priorities straight.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, you're overreacting on every front.
1. Parents are on the playground all the time at our school. There's nothing more normal. You're "furious"? Perhaps you need to spend more time at the school yourself.
2. Her daughter came home upset that your daughter was mean to her.
3. She spoke politely to your daughter about an issue with your daughter
4. Your daughter is old enough not to have HER mother stand between her and the rest of the world, at least on this level.

I was going to say "I can't believe that...", but yes, I can believe that your first reaction isn't to have a conversation with your daughter about her mean girl tendencies, but to flip out on DCUM about the presence of a parent on the playground. Please get your priorities straight.

I just said that my daughter is NOT a Mean Girl, you seem very presumptuous. I asked DD if she was ever mean to this other girl and she said no, that they just don't hang out because they have different interests. If my DD was mean, I would DEFINITELY want to know, so I can fix the behavior however I do not want some adult to approach my daughter.

You seem very naive. Your daughter lied to you. The other girl was upset enough to get her mother involved, and it's less likely that she would manufacture that upset than it is that your daughter would lie to you when caught out in bad behavior.

You say you would want to know if your daughter were mean. Well, now you know. She is mean enough to get another parent involved, AND she lies, or, perhaps even worse, doesn't think it's a big deal. Take it from there.

+ 1 Don't you think the other mom had better things to do than to talk to your daughter? I've not done this but have been sorely tempted a few times...

[Anonymous]

sounds like your dd is the mean girl and you are blind to it. Take this as a wake up call and get on your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP's daughter was being mean or not - telling someone they can't sit next to you because you are saving a seat for friends but can sit at your table is a gray area. It's definitely not nice or welcoming. However, I would think that it would be more appropriate for this mom to help her daughter address it than to confront OP's child directly. This is the sort of problem that 9 year old kids can learn to handle and address, and it isn't helping the kid.

OP again.

I guess I wasn't clear, DD wasn't "saving" the seat. The other children were already in the seats, including the other woman's DD. The other child wanted to "switch" seats with one of the girls and DD said "No, she always sits there." I agree this wasn't the nicest thing to say, and it could have been handled better, but like other PP have mentioned our school doesn't allow "seat saving". They line up in class and sit in that order by gender, but I suppose they are allowed to switch if they wish too.

OP I'm sorry for the gang bang on you here. This sounds like perfectly normal 9yo girl behavior and certainly nothing that would warrant a parent saying something to her entirely out of context. But I hope you didn't flip out or go tell the school. I would really encourage you to talk the other mother first without making it a huge deal and just ask her to come speak to you first in the future. If it were to become a recurring issue - her pulling your daughter aside - then I would mention it to the school. Chalk it up to a misguided fellow parent and try to let it go. And definitely do not bad mouth the other mom in front of your DD. I'm sure you know all this, and I get why you were heated in your original post. I would have been heated too at first and then come to a sensible solution, as I'm sure you did.

No, I haven't called anyone, I wanted to know if this was acceptable behavior from the volunteer parent. I see that it is not, which I suspected. I just don't like the idea of a parent trying to take on the teacher role, she is not the teacher, and in my opinion had no business confronting my daughter. I agree if she had seen DD do something dangerous, or actually see DD exhibit "bully" behavior than I wouldn't be so upset. I guess I'm just wondering where the line is drawn with this woman? If her DD want my DD to share her lunch, and DD doesn't oblige will she go call out my daughter for not sharing?

This is why I encourage you to talk to the other mom. You don't have to be confrontational. You can simply let her know that your DD mentioned the incident and that in the future you would prefer if she would speak with you instead of with your child if and when she has concerns. Reassure her, if it is true (and I think it is) that you would want to know if your daughter was engaging in inappropriate behavior and that you would prefer to be the one to address these situations with her as teachable moments. This is a totally appropriate way to handle this and will put the other mom on notice that A) you know what she did, B) you didn't appreciate how she handled it, and C) give her an opportunity to reflect on her own behavior in the situation. Maybe she'd engage you in the future; maybe she wouldn't. But if she did it would give you a chance to let your views on these parenting issues be known which would likely discourage her from continuing to make this a pattern.

I went to the school today during my lunch break and bought DD some lunch. I asked the admins who the volunteers for each class was, and got a name and number (apparently this information was sent home in the first few weeks of school, I just never received it or totally lost it). I haven't called though, do you think calling would make it a bigger deal?

I talked to my DD's friends parents and apparently the woman didn't just confront DD but a group of girls. DD and her two "best friends" have all been in the same Girl Scouts/Brownies troop since they were in Kindergarten, and I admit it wouldn't surprise me if they were "cliquey" but I doubt they would purposely exclude anyone.

So, we each talked to our girls about what happened and it seems that DD, and her two friends were sitting together on one side of a six sided table. The other woman's DD was sitting on the other end, but wanted to switch with one of the other girls because she wanted to help my DD make some sort of bracelet (totally not sure why they make bracelets at lunch?) and my DD said "No, this is where [Friends name] always sit. Could she have been kinder? Absolutely. Is the other woman's DD being excluded because she didn't get to switch seats like she want? No, not really. As many PP's mentioned, it does this girl no justice for her mother to go up to our children like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry Op, now your story just rings false. You have changed the details so many times it appears you are just trying to drum up support.

The only thing you should be thinking about is whether or not your child is being as kind as she should be. If she is, it is over. If not, have a chat. The parent at school did nothing wrong. The way you add details makes me suspicious.

It's pretty clear that she posted immediately after hearing the story because her blood was up, calmed down and got a few more details, and then came back. I don't think her story rings false at all. I've worked at schools and don't put anything past some parents.

OP here.

Keep in mind that my original post was after hearing my daughter tell me "Susie's mom got on to me at recess today."

I got minimum details besides "She told me it wasn't nice that I didn't include Susie during lunch"

Then after talking to the other girls mothers it became more clear.