DD Classmates' Mother Confronted DD on Playground at School WTH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one on this whole long-ass thread who has a problem with "Everyone must be included in everything"?

No. I've been railing against this for years. Not everyone is going to like you, you won't be invited to every party, you won't be the best at everything, and you don't deserve a trophy just for participating. I hate this mentality and I will fight against it until I die. I want my kid to have a real sense of self-esteem and a realistic estimation of his strengths and weaknesses, to be able to productively cope with failure and disappointment, and to learn that he is capable of navigating the world successfully on his own.

I do not want him turning into one of these 18 year olds that falls apart in their freshman year of college and has a nervous breakdown b/c I failed as a parent.

What's wrong with teaching children to be inclusive? We are social animals and thrive the most when in groups. Making our kids congnizant of the need to include others is teaching them empathy.

So this is expected in adulthood too? We will expect to see the Democrats of the area inviting the Republicans of the area, whom said Democrats lambast routinely on DCUM, to their homes for events, out to lunch, etc.?

No. In the real world, while you should be reasonably politely, you do NOT need to include people with whom you don't wish to spend time. This is a no-brainer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you're upset, OP. The mom was there to volunteer to monitor the playground. She told your daughter politely to include others. Your daughter was prob. just mad for being called out. You should be glad. The same volunteers will be helping out your DD when she needs help.

But why do any kids need to include any other kids? The guideline I give my kids is, "You don't have to be friends, but you do have to be civil." Why isn't that enough?

This, 100%.

The other side will say it's because your kid might their snowflake's feelings and start a major parent showdown at school. I think some of these parents are more brittle than their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one on this whole long-ass thread who has a problem with "Everyone must be included in everything"?

No. I've been railing against this for years. Not everyone is going to like you, you won't be invited to every party, you won't be the best at everything, and you don't deserve a trophy just for participating. I hate this mentality and I will fight against it until I die. I want my kid to have a real sense of self-esteem and a realistic estimation of his strengths and weaknesses, to be able to productively cope with failure and disappointment, and to learn that he is capable of navigating the world successfully on his own.

I do not want him turning into one of these 18 year olds that falls apart in their freshman year of college and has a nervous breakdown b/c I failed as a parent.

What's wrong with teaching children to be inclusive? We are social animals and thrive the most when in groups. Making our kids congnizant of the need to include others is teaching them empathy.

So this is expected in adulthood too? We will expect to see the Democrats of the area inviting the Republicans of the area, whom said Democrats lambast routinely on DCUM, to their homes for events, out to lunch, etc.?

No. In the real world, while you should be reasonably politely, you do NOT need to include people with whom you don't wish to spend time. This is a no-brainer.

Precisely my point. This is how we get to 18 year olds who threaten suicide b/c they were not chosen for a particular sorority (yep, seen that one too unfortunately). Life is not a Coca-Cola commercial folks, and we don't help our kids by lying to them and making them think that it is or that it should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP's daughter was being mean or not - telling someone they can't sit next to you because you are saving a seat for friends but can sit at your table is a gray area. It's definitely not nice or welcoming. However, I would think that it would be more appropriate for this mom to help her daughter address it than to confront OP's child directly. This is the sort of problem that 9 year old kids can learn to handle and address, and it isn't helping the kid.

OP again.

I guess I wasn't clear, DD wasn't "saving" the seat. The other children were already in the seats, including the other woman's DD. The other child wanted to "switch" seats with one of the girls and DD said "No, she always sits there." I agree this wasn't the nicest thing to say, and it could have been handled better, but like other PP have mentioned our school doesn't allow "seat saving". They line up in class and sit in that order by gender, but I suppose they are allowed to switch if they wish too.

[Anonymous]

But why do any kids need to include any other kids? The guideline I give my kids is, "You don't have to be friends, but you do have to be civil." Why isn't that enough?

This! If more children were taught just to be civil to everyone including all adults, dumb girl, annoying girl, girl who beat you in swimming, etc. the world would be a better place. No one needs to be best friends with everyone else. People just don't want to be disliked and feel like others are saying mean things about them or doing mean things to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:... I promised Larla and Jane they could sit next to me....

stop it already Larla poster! you stole that wonderful made-up name from me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your daughter doesn't seem to care about the incident, I'm not sure what the problem is. If it gets repeated and/or bothers your daughter, then it might be worth stepping in.

The problem is that other mother had NO right to step in and discuss the issue with OPs DD. She is not the counselor or a teacher and over-stepped her "volunteer" duties and should not be able to come back to the school if thats how she behaves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP's daughter was being mean or not - telling someone they can't sit next to you because you are saving a seat for friends but can sit at your table is a gray area. It's definitely not nice or welcoming. However, I would think that it would be more appropriate for this mom to help her daughter address it than to confront OP's child directly. This is the sort of problem that 9 year old kids can learn to handle and address, and it isn't helping the kid.

OP again.

I guess I wasn't clear, DD wasn't "saving" the seat. The other children were already in the seats, including the other woman's DD. The other child wanted to "switch" seats with one of the girls and DD said "No, she always sits there." I agree this wasn't the nicest thing to say, and it could have been handled better, but like other PP have mentioned our school doesn't allow "seat saving". They line up in class and sit in that order by gender, but I suppose they are allowed to switch if they wish too.

OP I'm sorry for the gang bang on you here. This sounds like perfectly normal 9yo girl behavior and certainly nothing that would warrant a parent saying something to her entirely out of context. But I hope you didn't flip out or go tell the school. I would really encourage you to talk the other mother first without making it a huge deal and just ask her to come speak to you first in the future. If it were to become a recurring issue - her pulling your daughter aside - then I would mention it to the school. Chalk it up to a misguided fellow parent and try to let it go. And definitely do not bad mouth the other mom in front of your DD. I'm sure you know all this, and I get why you were heated in your original post. I would have been heated too at first and then come to a sensible solution, as I'm sure you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP's daughter was being mean or not - telling someone they can't sit next to you because you are saving a seat for friends but can sit at your table is a gray area. It's definitely not nice or welcoming. However, I would think that it would be more appropriate for this mom to help her daughter address it than to confront OP's child directly. This is the sort of problem that 9 year old kids can learn to handle and address, and it isn't helping the kid.

OP again.

I guess I wasn't clear, DD wasn't "saving" the seat. The other children were already in the seats, including the other woman's DD. The other child wanted to "switch" seats with one of the girls and DD said "No, she always sits there." I agree this wasn't the nicest thing to say, and it could have been handled better, but like other PP have mentioned our school doesn't allow "seat saving". They line up in class and sit in that order by gender, but I suppose they are allowed to switch if they wish too.

OP I'm sorry for the gang bang on you here. This sounds like perfectly normal 9yo girl behavior and certainly nothing that would warrant a parent saying something to her entirely out of context. But I hope you didn't flip out or go tell the school. I would really encourage you to talk the other mother first without making it a huge deal and just ask her to come speak to you first in the future. If it were to become a recurring issue - her pulling your daughter aside - then I would mention it to the school. Chalk it up to a misguided fellow parent and try to let it go. And definitely do not bad mouth the other mom in front of your DD. I'm sure you know all this, and I get why you were heated in your original post. I would have been heated too at first and then come to a sensible solution, as I'm sure you did.

No, I haven't called anyone, I wanted to know if this was acceptable behavior from the volunteer parent. I see that it is not, which I suspected. I just don't like the idea of a parent trying to take on the teacher role, she is not the teacher, and in my opinion had no business confronting my daughter. I agree if she had seen DD do something dangerous, or actually see DD exhibit "bully" behavior than I wouldn't be so upset. I guess I'm just wondering where the line is drawn with this woman? If her DD want my DD to share her lunch, and DD doesn't oblige will she go call out my daughter for not sharing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP's daughter was being mean or not - telling someone they can't sit next to you because you are saving a seat for friends but can sit at your table is a gray area. It's definitely not nice or welcoming. However, I would think that it would be more appropriate for this mom to help her daughter address it than to confront OP's child directly. This is the sort of problem that 9 year old kids can learn to handle and address, and it isn't helping the kid.

OP again.

I guess I wasn't clear, DD wasn't "saving" the seat. The other children were already in the seats, including the other woman's DD. The other child wanted to "switch" seats with one of the girls and DD said "No, she always sits there." I agree this wasn't the nicest thing to say, and it could have been handled better, but like other PP have mentioned our school doesn't allow "seat saving". They line up in class and sit in that order by gender, but I suppose they are allowed to switch if they wish too.

OP I'm sorry for the gang bang on you here. This sounds like perfectly normal 9yo girl behavior and certainly nothing that would warrant a parent saying something to her entirely out of context. But I hope you didn't flip out or go tell the school. I would really encourage you to talk the other mother first without making it a huge deal and just ask her to come speak to you first in the future. If it were to become a recurring issue - her pulling your daughter aside - then I would mention it to the school. Chalk it up to a misguided fellow parent and try to let it go. And definitely do not bad mouth the other mom in front of your DD. I'm sure you know all this, and I get why you were heated in your original post. I would have been heated too at first and then come to a sensible solution, as I'm sure you did.

No, I haven't called anyone, I wanted to know if this was acceptable behavior from the volunteer parent. I see that it is not, which I suspected. I just don't like the idea of a parent trying to take on the teacher role, she is not the teacher, and in my opinion had no business confronting my daughter. I agree if she had seen DD do something dangerous, or actually see DD exhibit "bully" behavior than I wouldn't be so upset. I guess I'm just wondering where the line is drawn with this woman? If her DD want my DD to share her lunch, and DD doesn't oblige will she go call out my daughter for not sharing?

This is why I encourage you to talk to the other mom. You don't have to be confrontational. You can simply let her know that your DD mentioned the incident and that in the future you would prefer if she would speak with you instead of with your child if and when she has concerns. Reassure her, if it is true (and I think it is) that you would want to know if your daughter was engaging in inappropriate behavior and that you would prefer to be the one to address these situations with her as teachable moments. This is a totally appropriate way to handle this and will put the other mom on notice that A) you know what she did, B) you didn't appreciate how she handled it, and C) give her an opportunity to reflect on her own behavior in the situation. Maybe she'd engage you in the future; maybe she wouldn't. But if she did it would give you a chance to let your views on these parenting issues be known which would likely discourage her from continuing to make this a pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP's daughter was being mean or not - telling someone they can't sit next to you because you are saving a seat for friends but can sit at your table is a gray area. It's definitely not nice or welcoming. However, I would think that it would be more appropriate for this mom to help her daughter address it than to confront OP's child directly. This is the sort of problem that 9 year old kids can learn to handle and address, and it isn't helping the kid.

OP again.

I guess I wasn't clear, DD wasn't "saving" the seat. The other children were already in the seats, including the other woman's DD. The other child wanted to "switch" seats with one of the girls and DD said "No, she always sits there." I agree this wasn't the nicest thing to say, and it could have been handled better, but like other PP have mentioned our school doesn't allow "seat saving". They line up in class and sit in that order by gender, but I suppose they are allowed to switch if they wish too.

So...you are saying that your DD intervened on her friend's behalf - fought her friend's battle if you will? Interesting. That could be why your DD was not too bothered by the mom saying something to her - she kind of did the same thing on a different level.

But I hear you. The mom was wrong to approach your daughter about the incident. If it bothered her, she should have reported it to a teacher. I agree with you on that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be absolutely acceptable to ask the school to ban this woman from playground duty. An adult approaching a child during the school day, on school property and while in service to the school in order to hash out a personal grievance with that child is beyond the pale. She took advantage of the fact that your daughter was in a vulnerable position, when she could corner her with no adults nearby, and that should not be acceptable to any parent or responsible adult.

OP: Your DD may have legal rights here also. Adult volunteers do not have the right or justification to jump into a child's social life to benefit their child. The school would be doing the right thing to discipline this volunteer --she needs it in fact, and a letter to the school board would back me up in this opinion. Yes, they are 9 years old, but that is why her actions are so inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if OP's daughter was being mean or not - telling someone they can't sit next to you because you are saving a seat for friends but can sit at your table is a gray area. It's definitely not nice or welcoming. However, I would think that it would be more appropriate for this mom to help her daughter address it than to confront OP's child directly. This is the sort of problem that 9 year old kids can learn to handle and address, and it isn't helping the kid.

OP again.

I guess I wasn't clear, DD wasn't "saving" the seat. The other children were already in the seats, including the other woman's DD. The other child wanted to "switch" seats with one of the girls and DD said "No, she always sits there." I agree this wasn't the nicest thing to say, and it could have been handled better, but like other PP have mentioned our school doesn't allow "seat saving". They line up in class and sit in that order by gender, but I suppose they are allowed to switch if they wish too.

OP I'm sorry for the gang bang on you here. This sounds like perfectly normal 9yo girl behavior and certainly nothing that would warrant a parent saying something to her entirely out of context. But I hope you didn't flip out or go tell the school. I would really encourage you to talk the other mother first without making it a huge deal and just ask her to come speak to you first in the future. If it were to become a recurring issue - her pulling your daughter aside - then I would mention it to the school. Chalk it up to a misguided fellow parent and try to let it go. And definitely do not bad mouth the other mom in front of your DD. I'm sure you know all this, and I get why you were heated in your original post. I would have been heated too at first and then come to a sensible solution, as I'm sure you did.

No, I haven't called anyone, I wanted to know if this was acceptable behavior from the volunteer parent. I see that it is not, which I suspected. I just don't like the idea of a parent trying to take on the teacher role, she is not the teacher, and in my opinion had no business confronting my daughter. I agree if she had seen DD do something dangerous, or actually see DD exhibit "bully" behavior than I wouldn't be so upset. I guess I'm just wondering where the line is drawn with this woman? If her DD want my DD to share her lunch, and DD doesn't oblige will she go call out my daughter for not sharing?

BAD ADVICE. Do not go to the other mother. This will make things worse and she sounds crazy enough that she'll probably go off on you. This should be handled by school officials only. Parents stay the h*ll out of it. If you ever have a particular problem with a particular child go the official route through the school- do not become the vigile ante on the playground, etc. Kids often do not relay the story in 100% accuracy. If parents seem worked up-- they often go with it and embelish it. Some kids flat out lie as well--they may have been the ones to start something but cover their ass irst by going home and blaming it on somebody else. Not daying that any of that went on here---but it happens all of the time. This is still such a minor issue in my eyes taht if it happened to my own son I would have counseled him what to do on his own. If things got worse, etc a quick email to the teacher to check into it would suffice...but 99...9% of the time this can be handled with no parental involvement.

[Anonymous]

And 99.9% of the time it can be handled without school involvement. Sorry, but I don't think the majority of people want their taxes spent on working out little disagreements like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And 99.9% of the time it can be handled without school involvement. Sorry, but I don't think the majority of people want their taxes spent on working out little disagreements like this.

A PP here who earlier advocated getting the teacher to do fact finding.

I understand what you are saying, but in this particular context, the school should absolutely be the lead dog. If I were OP, I could not care less whether people wanted their taxes spent on this. It is part of the administrator's job to manage these types of issues in the school building.

This was a parent volunteer at the school who "confronted" a student on the school playground during school hours about an incident that happened in the school cafeteria. The school absolutely would be the appropriate party to address this with the parent volunteer.