Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

[Anonymous]

That Doublex article made the point that Chua's book itself contains more ambiguity:


Then, even for Chua, her pushing ultimately backfires. While the oldest dutifully continues to perform, Lulu rebels. At thirteen, she cuts off her hair in anger, rejects her mother, and begins to denounce Chua and her parenting to everyone she can. "You're a terrible mother," Lulu tells Chua. "You're selfish. You don't care about anyone but yourself. ... Everything you say you do for me is actually for yourself."

Chua reluctantly eases up on Lulu. She does, she says, the "most Western thing imaginable" and allows Lulu to chose how much music she wants in her life. It feels like a compromise ending, but the compromise is never complete: Chua never eases up on herself. By the book's end, a teenaged Lulu is putting as much time into tennis as into her music, and Chua is scheming behind her back to improve her performance on the court instead of on the stage.

"This was supposed to be a story of how Chinese parents are better at raising kids than Western ones," Chua says on the cover of her book. "But instead, it's about a bitter clash of cultures, a fleeting taste of glory, and how I was humbled by a thirteen-year-old."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That Doublex article made the point that Chua's book itself contains more ambiguity:


Then, even for Chua, her pushing ultimately backfires. While the oldest dutifully continues to perform, Lulu rebels. At thirteen, she cuts off her hair in anger, rejects her mother, and begins to denounce Chua and her parenting to everyone she can. "You're a terrible mother," Lulu tells Chua. "You're selfish. You don't care about anyone but yourself. ... Everything you say you do for me is actually for yourself."

Chua reluctantly eases up on Lulu. She does, she says, the "most Western thing imaginable" and allows Lulu to chose how much music she wants in her life. It feels like a compromise ending, but the compromise is never complete: Chua never eases up on herself. By the book's end, a teenaged Lulu is putting as much time into tennis as into her music, and Chua is scheming behind her back to improve her performance on the court instead of on the stage.

"This was supposed to be a story of how Chinese parents are better at raising kids than Western ones," Chua says on the cover of her book. "But instead, it's about a bitter clash of cultures, a fleeting taste of glory, and how I was humbled by a thirteen-year-old."

Well, this puts a different spin on things. Isn't it interesting that her daughter apparently showed the kind of discipline and determination Chua instilled, only in another endeavor? Maybe her parenting was not a failure after all. My kids dabble in this and that, and when they start to get good enough at something (whether music, or a particular sport), they give up because they don't want to work as hard as their level of accomplishment warrants.

[Anonymous]

Hey, I like this mom. The more time her kids spend in the house trying to play the trombone, the less time they spend out on the roads trying to drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This woman has a child with Downs. This makes her parenting style even more sick.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amy_Chua

Can you even read?

Your parent's didn't push you hard enough I guess.

Don't always believe what you find on Wikipedia (anyone can edit and post incorrect information). My point was that the Wikipedia info about the author's Down syndrome daughter was inaccurate. The source used by Wikipedia says that the author has three sisters (a physician, lawyer, and Down syndrome winner of gold medals from special olympics)

And just because you brought it up, my eastern European parents did push me hard, which is how I ended up with a phd from the top school in my field and an exciting career...

OT but c'mon spill it. What do you do?

[Anonymous]

Hey, I like this mom. The more time her kids spend in the house trying to play the trombone, the less time they spend out on the roads trying to drive.

Oh...that was bad.

[Anonymous]

Why aren't her kids in the Olympics? I think it would be much, much harder to achieve there than in school. BTW, if Asians were underrepresented at HLS, isn't that because immigration allotments increased in the last decade or so and these kids didn't have native English speaking parents from whom they could learn the language? Their GPAs and standardized test scores are usually not the problem because they can learn to score well on those.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how her children are handling and/or will handle the publicity (good and bad) about their mother/their lives, etc. Perhaps, luckily (or not) they are more mature to handle things than say the Gosselin kids.

[Anonymous]

She comes off as a total snobbity snob. I wonder if her whole family, including her kids, is that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Hey, I like this mom. The more time her kids spend in the house trying to play the trombone, the less time they spend out on the roads trying to drive.

Oh...that was bad.

If we're going to embrace stereotypes, why not be catholic about it.

[Anonymous]

interesting that the book may have more nuance than the article -- there was something sort of tongue in cheek about some of what she was writing in the article so I am now wondering if the article was just a big tease to create buzz and sell books

I have spoken to friends who had her as a law school professor and she was quite well-liked, which doesn't necessarily mean anything, but I wonder what the whole story is here

[Anonymous]

It's certainly an effective marketing tactic, no doubt. Look at how many people she's provoked/intrigued.

[Anonymous]

OH MAN. I talk about this stuff with my DH (Asian) all the time...IN THERAPY!

His parents really did a number on him -- same deal as most of the Asians sounding off on this board: he's super-successful, went to the #1 high school in his country before coming here, then Ivys, then became one of the "sanctioned" professional types (lawyer).

I would classify him as a professional and academic success, but a "personal" failure. That's harsh, but this is a man who is deeply insecure without achievement -- if he suffers a setback, he punishes himself relentlessly and if shaken to the core. He's not able to relax and is usually dissatisfied with where he is in life. He has an apathetic relationship with his parents, at best. And the saddest thing is, most of the time, he's just not happy with any of the other successes he's achieved in life. If you can't be happy, what use is a lot of prestige and money? I love the hell out of him, though, and tell him all the time my love is unconditional (though my "liking" of him, and my respect, are predicated on what type of person he is). It's taken many years for him to open up and allow himself to be vulnerable to me, and relax enough to actually enjoy the high points in his life without tying his self-worth to them to the extent that he can't be happy because he's forever worried he'll slip and lose everything (including the love of his family). It breaks my heart to think of generations of people who think their parents' love is contingent on grades/money/prestige.

(My bg, in case you're thinking I'm a slacker hippy -- very supportive and loving Mediterranean-European parents, with whom I have a great relationship. Got all A's because I felt happy and did great (parents were both professors and loved teaching, even at home with their children -- the best playdates in the world are ones in which your parents lead vocabulary quizzes for fun!). And I'm an eternal optimist who hopes my husband will feel loved and fulfilled and forgive his parents one day.)

[Anonymous]

"the best playdates in the world are ones in which your parents lead vocabulary quizzes for fun!"

Wha?? Say it ain't so.

[Anonymous]

I dated a ton of asian girls when I was single, and the Chinese were my least favorite. Loved the filipinas first, then thai, then korean (if westernized), japanese then chinese. not sure if this adds to the discussion or not, but perhaps it might be relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OH MAN. I talk about this stuff with my DH (Asian) all the time...IN THERAPY!

His parents really did a number on him -- same deal as most of the Asians sounding off on this board: he's super-successful, went to the #1 high school in his country before coming here, then Ivys, then became one of the "sanctioned" professional types (lawyer).

I would classify him as a professional and academic success, but a "personal" failure. That's harsh, but this is a man who is deeply insecure without achievement -- if he suffers a setback, he punishes himself relentlessly and if shaken to the core. He's not able to relax and is usually dissatisfied with where he is in life. He has an apathetic relationship with his parents, at best. And the saddest thing is, most of the time, he's just not happy with any of the other successes he's achieved in life. If you can't be happy, what use is a lot of prestige and money? I love the hell out of him, though, and tell him all the time my love is unconditional (though my "liking" of him, and my respect, are predicated on what type of person he is). It's taken many years for him to open up and allow himself to be vulnerable to me, and relax enough to actually enjoy the high points in his life without tying his self-worth to them to the extent that he can't be happy because he's forever worried he'll slip and lose everything (including the love of his family). It breaks my heart to think of generations of people who think their parents' love is contingent on grades/money/prestige.

(My bg, in case you're thinking I'm a slacker hippy -- very supportive and loving Mediterranean-European parents, with whom I have a great relationship. Got all A's because I felt happy and did great (parents were both professors and loved teaching, even at home with their children -- the best playdates in the world are ones in which your parents lead vocabulary quizzes for fun!). And I'm an eternal optimist who hopes my husband will feel loved and fulfilled and forgive his parents one day.)

How do you find this has affected your family life, then, if you have children?