Husband can’t set a table and doesn’t care to learn how

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I'm not someone who's big on table setting and only really does it for holidays, it does seem a bit ridiculous a grown adult can't do a basic job of it.

This was something my mom and grandmother were into and I was doing it at age 9 or so. It's not a difficult thing to do and just tossing stuff on the table seems a bit off.

It's clearly not that he's incapable, it's that he doesn't care and he doesn't want to do it.

This. And let's not pretend husbands are incapable of this stuff. My spouse doesn't even have to be asked, I'll make some off hand comment about liking something and he'll plan something (I of course do the same for him).

My Dad and I used to do the table for holidays and we'd do all sorts of neat fancy stuff together. And we'd carefully wash grandma's china and put it away.

Men are 100% capable of this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

Why did you marry an idiot who doesn’t know how to set a table?

The question should be "why did you marry an idiot who doesn't know how to set a table when that is clearly a top priority for you?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

Why did you marry an idiot who doesn’t know how to set a table?

The question should be "why did you marry an idiot who doesn't know how to set a table when that is clearly a top priority for you?"

Right? That should have been one of the early weed out dates. "Let's plan and cook a dinner together!" and then when OP learned he didn't care about tablescapes, placemats, and fork placement she should have dumped him. It's almost as if table setting wasn't that important. Why is it a deal breaker now a few kids later?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I'm not someone who's big on table setting and only really does it for holidays, it does seem a bit ridiculous a grown adult can't do a basic job of it.

This was something my mom and grandmother were into and I was doing it at age 9 or so. It's not a difficult thing to do and just tossing stuff on the table seems a bit off.

It's clearly not that he's incapable, it's that he doesn't care and he doesn't want to do it.

= ManChild

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

Why did you marry an idiot who doesn’t know how to set a table?

The question should be "why did you marry an idiot who doesn't know how to set a table when that is clearly a top priority for you?"

Right? That should have been one of the early weed out dates. "Let's plan and cook a dinner together!" and then when OP learned he didn't care about tablescapes, placemats, and fork placement she should have dumped him. It's almost as if table setting wasn't that important. Why is it a deal breaker now a few kids later?

You answered your own question.

Kids deserve better than 2 incompatible people deciding to start a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

I agree with you that this is annoying, OP. Setting the table is a task that someone needs to do, and your DH doesn't care to do it in a way that makes the table look organized and inviting. Sometimes, you just have to roll your eyes at how our mothers' generation raised their boys and pick your battles. You get used to him doing it the way he wants and deal.

Why is it always on the women? What a horrible person you are.

Our mothers were the ones who knew how to set the table. Many only taught their daughters or simply enforced domestic chores more for daughters than sons.

That’s just like, your personal experience, man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

Why did you marry an idiot who doesn’t know how to set a table?

The question should be "why did you marry an idiot who doesn't know how to set a table when that is clearly a top priority for you?"

Right? That should have been one of the early weed out dates. "Let's plan and cook a dinner together!" and then when OP learned he didn't care about tablescapes, placemats, and fork placement she should have dumped him. It's almost as if table setting wasn't that important. Why is it a deal breaker now a few kids later?

You answered your own question.

Kids deserve better than 2 incompatible people deciding to start a family.

So, burn it all down or stop sweating the small stuff? If these OPs ever came back to discuss what their husbands did right these threads wouldn't drag on forever. But the angry bitter wives like to project and talk about their own failed marriages instead. Happier married people would say to let it go and focus on the big picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

DP. I don't think men are incapable of setting a table. They just don't care to. Which in this particular example is valid. I'm a woman and don't care about this. It's enough to have napkins and utensils on the table. The person who cares about how it is arranged should do the arranging. I would feel the same way if the man wanted all of his cars polished and detailed to perfection and the wife didn't care to do that to his standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

That would be a more appropriate name for this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

Why did you marry an idiot who doesn’t know how to set a table?

The question should be "why did you marry an idiot who doesn't know how to set a table when that is clearly a top priority for you?"

Right? That should have been one of the early weed out dates. "Let's plan and cook a dinner together!" and then when OP learned he didn't care about tablescapes, placemats, and fork placement she should have dumped him. It's almost as if table setting wasn't that important. Why is it a deal breaker now a few kids later?

You answered your own question.

Kids deserve better than 2 incompatible people deciding to start a family.

So, burn it all down or stop sweating the small stuff? If these OPs ever came back to discuss what their husbands did right these threads wouldn't drag on forever. But the angry bitter wives like to project and talk about their own failed marriages instead. Happier married people would say to let it go and focus on the big picture.

No I'm saying let's normalize not starting families with people we aren't compatible with on a basic level.

[Anonymous]

Well, I feel like I have a husband who is equally involved in household stuff and childcare. But we definitely both have stuff we care about more than the other one. I told him before we got married that I would never learn to put my shoes away — he does it for me. He isn’t organized with paperwork so I do all of that. He does all the laundry and puts his clothes away in a very particular way. If I suddenly had to do all the laundry, I would not notice which type hanger a particular kind of shirt went on. He cannot remember where my kid’s dance class is on Tuesday night even after months. He will go to the place she gets picked up on Mondays and Wednesdays if I don’t remind him. He’s obsessed with blowing any leaves out of the garage when we have people coming over (that will never set foot in the garage). Whatever. It all evens out in the end. But I’m not blowing the leaves out the garage because people are coming over — ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

Why did you marry an idiot who doesn’t know how to set a table?

The question should be "why did you marry an idiot who doesn't know how to set a table when that is clearly a top priority for you?"

Right? That should have been one of the early weed out dates. "Let's plan and cook a dinner together!" and then when OP learned he didn't care about tablescapes, placemats, and fork placement she should have dumped him. It's almost as if table setting wasn't that important. Why is it a deal breaker now a few kids later?

+1000

I knew the things that were as important to me as table settings are to OP so I screened men accordingly when I dated. I knew I wanted to be with someone who liked dogs and was a responsible pet owner. I didn't need them to have their own dog (although my husband did when we started dating), but I had one and I could see how they handled it. I knew I wanted someone who valued spending time with their friends, so I saw how he handled introducing me to his, making time for his on his own, and respecting the time I spent with mine. I could go on and on but I didn't care about table settings so it's not something I noticed. However, if it is that important to OP, she should have paid attention to that before having kids with this person. If it's not that important then she should let it go.