Husband can’t set a table and doesn’t care to learn how

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

What assumption? The PP clearly detests her husband and is unhappily married.

I also disagree that "men can't do this stuff" but I don't think that's what anyone is saying... Rather, I think posters are telling OP that not everyone cares about this issue and if she cares, she can do it. I wouldn't say the same thing about feeding children or bathing them or doing laundry, for example - those are non-negotiable. But place settings? A lot of people don't care about that.

I'm happily married to a man who folds the towels the way I like because he loves me. My way isn't the "right" way, I just like the way they look and it makes me happy so he does it, every single time. But if he didn't, I don't think it would be a hill I'd die on, because there are a lot more things that I think are far more important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

Why did you marry an idiot who doesn’t know how to set a table?

The question should be "why did you marry an idiot who doesn't know how to set a table when that is clearly a top priority for you?"

Right? That should have been one of the early weed out dates. "Let's plan and cook a dinner together!" and then when OP learned he didn't care about tablescapes, placemats, and fork placement she should have dumped him. It's almost as if table setting wasn't that important. Why is it a deal breaker now a few kids later?

You answered your own question.

Kids deserve better than 2 incompatible people deciding to start a family.

So, burn it all down or stop sweating the small stuff? If these OPs ever came back to discuss what their husbands did right these threads wouldn't drag on forever. But the angry bitter wives like to project and talk about their own failed marriages instead. Happier married people would say to let it go and focus on the big picture.

No I'm saying let's normalize not starting families with people we aren't compatible with on a basic level.

AMEN

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I feel like I have a husband who is equally involved in household stuff and childcare. But we definitely both have stuff we care about more than the other one. I told him before we got married that I would never learn to put my shoes away — he does it for me. He isn’t organized with paperwork so I do all of that. He does all the laundry and puts his clothes away in a very particular way. If I suddenly had to do all the laundry, I would not notice which type hanger a particular kind of shirt went on. He cannot remember where my kid’s dance class is on Tuesday night even after months. He will go to the place she gets picked up on Mondays and Wednesdays if I don’t remind him. He’s obsessed with blowing any leaves out of the garage when we have people coming over (that will never set foot in the garage). Whatever. It all evens out in the end. But I’m not blowing the leaves out the garage because people are coming over — ever.

I'm the same. Happily married to a man with whom I agree on the important things and we both agree to let go of the little things. If he wants to spend time optimizing the wifi signal, have at it. If I want to spend time organizing the pantry cupboards, I'm free to do so. But neither of us expects the other to care.

Putting healthy food on the table for our family? That's a priority. How the silverware and napkins end up on the table? Not a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

Why did you marry an idiot who doesn’t know how to set a table?

The question should be "why did you marry an idiot who doesn't know how to set a table when that is clearly a top priority for you?"

Right? That should have been one of the early weed out dates. "Let's plan and cook a dinner together!" and then when OP learned he didn't care about tablescapes, placemats, and fork placement she should have dumped him. It's almost as if table setting wasn't that important. Why is it a deal breaker now a few kids later?

You answered your own question.

Kids deserve better than 2 incompatible people deciding to start a family.

So, burn it all down or stop sweating the small stuff? If these OPs ever came back to discuss what their husbands did right these threads wouldn't drag on forever. But the angry bitter wives like to project and talk about their own failed marriages instead. Happier married people would say to let it go and focus on the big picture.

No I'm saying let's normalize not starting families with people we aren't compatible with on a basic level.

Too late for OP. But divorcing over a newly found priority is odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

Why did you marry an idiot who doesn’t know how to set a table?

The question should be "why did you marry an idiot who doesn't know how to set a table when that is clearly a top priority for you?"

Right? That should have been one of the early weed out dates. "Let's plan and cook a dinner together!" and then when OP learned he didn't care about tablescapes, placemats, and fork placement she should have dumped him. It's almost as if table setting wasn't that important. Why is it a deal breaker now a few kids later?

You answered your own question.

Kids deserve better than 2 incompatible people deciding to start a family.

So, burn it all down or stop sweating the small stuff? If these OPs ever came back to discuss what their husbands did right these threads wouldn't drag on forever. But the angry bitter wives like to project and talk about their own failed marriages instead. Happier married people would say to let it go and focus on the big picture.

No I'm saying let's normalize not starting families with people we aren't compatible with on a basic level.

Too late for OP. But divorcing over a newly found priority is odd.

Welcome to perimenopause!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I'm not someone who's big on table setting and only really does it for holidays, it does seem a bit ridiculous a grown adult can't do a basic job of it.

This was something my mom and grandmother were into and I was doing it at age 9 or so. It's not a difficult thing to do and just tossing stuff on the table seems a bit off.

It's clearly not that he's incapable, it's that he doesn't care and he doesn't want to do it.

This. And let's not pretend husbands are incapable of this stuff. My spouse doesn't even have to be asked, I'll make some off hand comment about liking something and he'll plan something (I of course do the same for him).

My Dad and I used to do the table for holidays and we'd do all sorts of neat fancy stuff together. And we'd carefully wash grandma's china and put it away.

Men are 100% capable of this stuff.

And not only does he not care (fair, he doesn't have to) BUT he doesn't care that YOU care.

This is especially true when it's something as compartmentalized as setting the table. Rather than a habit that someone with ADHD or another executive functioning issue might struggle with (it's me, I struggle with certain tasks, as does my husband).

Interestingly enough - he uses his ADHD as an excuse for his bad habits (being late, getting lost), but doesn't see my ADHD as an acceptable excuse for things I do that are annoying to him (leaving my dresser drawers open or forgetting to turn off a light).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

No. My husband cares about making the bed a certain way and loading the dishwasher just right and i don’t care or care that he cares. Those are his things. I have my own things. We don’t have ro be the same person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I feel like I have a husband who is equally involved in household stuff and childcare. But we definitely both have stuff we care about more than the other one. I told him before we got married that I would never learn to put my shoes away — he does it for me. He isn’t organized with paperwork so I do all of that. He does all the laundry and puts his clothes away in a very particular way. If I suddenly had to do all the laundry, I would not notice which type hanger a particular kind of shirt went on. He cannot remember where my kid’s dance class is on Tuesday night even after months. He will go to the place she gets picked up on Mondays and Wednesdays if I don’t remind him. He’s obsessed with blowing any leaves out of the garage when we have people coming over (that will never set foot in the garage). Whatever. It all evens out in the end. But I’m not blowing the leaves out the garage because people are coming over — ever.

I'm the same. Happily married to a man with whom I agree on the important things and we both agree to let go of the little things. If he wants to spend time optimizing the wifi signal, have at it. If I want to spend time organizing the pantry cupboards, I'm free to do so. But neither of us expects the other to care.

Putting healthy food on the table for our family? That's a priority. How the silverware and napkins end up on the table? Not a priority.

9:39 PP here

I also think this is a perfectly acceptable outlook - there are things one spouse doesn't care about, and the other spouse is good with that - as long as it goes both ways.

OP's H doesn't care about table settings, fine. But then he shouldn't give OP grief about not caring if they have the right type of snacks or beer at home, or if the screwdriver gets put back in the garage rather than the junk drawer (random examples that are stereotypical dude-like)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I feel like I have a husband who is equally involved in household stuff and childcare. But we definitely both have stuff we care about more than the other one. I told him before we got married that I would never learn to put my shoes away — he does it for me. He isn’t organized with paperwork so I do all of that. He does all the laundry and puts his clothes away in a very particular way. If I suddenly had to do all the laundry, I would not notice which type hanger a particular kind of shirt went on. He cannot remember where my kid’s dance class is on Tuesday night even after months. He will go to the place she gets picked up on Mondays and Wednesdays if I don’t remind him. He’s obsessed with blowing any leaves out of the garage when we have people coming over (that will never set foot in the garage). Whatever. It all evens out in the end. But I’m not blowing the leaves out the garage because people are coming over — ever.

I'm the same. Happily married to a man with whom I agree on the important things and we both agree to let go of the little things. If he wants to spend time optimizing the wifi signal, have at it. If I want to spend time organizing the pantry cupboards, I'm free to do so. But neither of us expects the other to care.

Putting healthy food on the table for our family? That's a priority. How the silverware and napkins end up on the table? Not a priority.

9:39 PP here

I also think this is a perfectly acceptable outlook - there are things one spouse doesn't care about, and the other spouse is good with that - as long as it goes both ways.

OP's H doesn't care about table settings, fine. But then he shouldn't give OP grief about not caring if they have the right type of snacks or beer at home, or if the screwdriver gets put back in the garage rather than the junk drawer (random examples that are stereotypical dude-like)

People in normal healthy marriages already know this, and live this way, which is why they can't understand OPs insistence that he must care about the table setting. The unhappily married people are the ones doling out the bad advice that he better care as much or more than OP about something she never bothered to find out about prior to marriage in order to pass this test to prove his love decades later. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Letting yourself be "driven nuts" by such a minor thing seems like a problem that needs addressing. No adult should be so emotionally fragile. Are you in therapy?

You need therapy; you keep pretending this is a one-off isolated incident.

That tells us everything we need to know about living with you.

It’s part of YOUR pattern, too. You are a neurotic control freak with no respect for others. Living with you must be an absolute nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Letting yourself be "driven nuts" by such a minor thing seems like a problem that needs addressing. No adult should be so emotionally fragile. Are you in therapy?

You need therapy; you keep pretending this is a one-off isolated incident.

That tells us everything we need to know about living with you.

It’s part of YOUR pattern, too. You are a neurotic control freak with no respect for others. Living with you must be an absolute nightmare.

Unhinged too?! And a slob.

Good to know PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Based on your limited experience of 1 who doesn't seem to like you much? Did you have a shotgun wedding? Why did you rush into a marriage with someone you couldn't be bothered to get to know?

[Anonymous]

Hey folks?!

What’s more disrespectful?

Always doing the opposite of what your roommate asks you to do OR getting upset when your roommate lets you down again and again?

Gaslighting your roommate when you fail to do basic things right OR Then calling you out


Telling someone who’s a slob and gaslighter that they’re difficult to live with. OR Name calling and going off unhinged on a total stranger?