Husband can’t set a table and doesn’t care to learn how

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Much easier for the anti socials to just fondle their iPhone at dinners and never speak, even to their children.

Will it be at a finely laid table or not? Plenty of kids at the finest restaurants in town sitting with headphones on staring at iPads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Much easier for the anti socials to just fondle their iPhone at dinners and never speak, even to their children.

Will it be at a finely laid table or not? Plenty of kids at the finest restaurants in town sitting with headphones on staring at iPads.

Well, at least there is a chance of talking and having conversation. OP’s husband wants to eat asynchronously, sitting in front of the television.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Much easier for the anti socials to just fondle their iPhone at dinners and never speak, even to their children.

Will it be at a finely laid table or not? Plenty of kids at the finest restaurants in town sitting with headphones on staring at iPads.

Well, at least there is a chance of talking and having conversation. OP’s husband wants to eat asynchronously, sitting in front of the television.

Can you blame him at this point? So much hand wringing over where the forks go. Doesn't bode well for pleasant conversation. He's clearly checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course he can. He just doesn't want to. Find a chore that he's willing to do to your standards and resign yourself to being the person who sets the table.

+1

Learned helplessness is his issue.

[Anonymous]

If he eats standing up and walking around, does he vaccum daily and wipe down the counters constantly?

[Anonymous]

OP's fault for not having dinner at home before rushing into marrying him.

[Anonymous]

Why is DH supposed to do the housekeeper:s job?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

Please make sure to mark all your future advice with *unhappily married to a man I detest* so that we can get a sense of where you're coming from. Thanks.

I'm not PP but I find this assumption telling. Some of us are pushing back on the "men can't do this stuff" narrative because we are happily married to men who easily do stuff like this. My son has no issues setting up things and listening either.

I actually find it troubling this narrative that men and boys are incapable of detail and basic executive function. It's infantilizing and insulting to men.

I’m just too busy. That’s the reason. Too busy. On my phone, with my office work. Too busy.

I mean if you're too busy to do something that takes 5 minutes for your wife, that's a problem. You're saying your phone is more of a priority.

I'm a busy working mom, I really don't care about Pokémon but I've learned to play the card game so I can play with my husband and son and understand their hobbies. That's just what families do.

That’s what women do. Not most males.

Boy you have a grim view of men. My Dad loved getting interested in our stuff as kids. He read Harry Potter with us and took my brother and I to midnight parties. A good Dad absolutely gets interested in their kids stuff and puts effort in.

My Dad didn't know anything about lacrosse and learned all sorts of it for my brother.

A lot of y'all sound like you don't like your families very much if you're not willing to do basic tasks because it means something to your partner or kids.

You're both right and wrong. For yourself, you should always be willing to do tasks other people want you to do, but you should never expect or get mad at someone else for not doing that. That double standard is the real key to marital happiness: have high expectations of yourself, and expect very little in return.

Nah, that's BS. You shouldn't be with someone who expects you to do everything for them and does nothing in return. That's just being a doormat.

And yet I'm very happy in my marriage, and OP isn't. Her unhappiness is a choice. I choose to be happy.

DP. Part of the happiness in my marriage comes from doing things for my husband that make him happy and having him do things for me that make me happy. Does he have to bring me a cup of coffee in bed in the morning? Of course not, I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself. Does he do it anyway? Yes and it's sweet and I love it.

I must have missed where OP said her husband never ever does anything to her liking. Or where she said she bent over backwards to please him.

I don't think OP has posted since the first page...

When you've got a winner of a post, you sit back and enjoy the fireworks in the comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

I agree with you that this is annoying, OP. Setting the table is a task that someone needs to do, and your DH doesn't care to do it in a way that makes the table look organized and inviting. Sometimes, you just have to roll your eyes at how our mothers' generation raised their boys and pick your battles. You get used to him doing it the way he wants and deal.

If OP made inviting food or company, it wouldn't be a problem.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It's low class. I always cringe when I go to someone's house and the knife or fork is on the wrong side or at a wedding and someone takes the wrong drink or bread plate at a round table and messes everyone up.

I am embarrassed for you, PP. Etiquette is not what you think it is.

It is. I don't call them out on it, obviously, but its free to look up how to set a place setting or to find out which side the drinks or food plates go on. While you are at it, pass the salt and pepper together. please.

Why would you season food that's already been prepared? So uncouth!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Much easier for the anti socials to just fondle their iPhone at dinners and never speak, even to their children.

Will it be at a finely laid table or not? Plenty of kids at the finest restaurants in town sitting with headphones on staring at iPads.

Losers raising more losers then.