Husband can’t set a table and doesn’t care to learn how

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

Nothing. No way to deal with DH. Mainly, because there is not too much need for proper table manners. You teach it to your kids. Also, you can print the place-settings on a piece of paper or table placement reference guide mats (on Amazon, Zazzle, Temu) and that let your kids and DH follow it. Usually the reference mats are too fussy.

I came from a 3rd-world country where proper "western" dining etiquette was a sign of education and upper-class behavior. I was aghast at the poor table manners that I saw in USA. One can argue that things were more egalitarian here and so no one needed to be posh or uppity. Still, I taught it to my kids and also followed some youtube table manners videos.

If this means a lot to you, then you need to have some simple structure and rules around your meal times, table settings etc. If most of the time you are getting take outs or eating while commuting from one EC activity to another - then what kind of table settings do you want?

Break down all the steps and processess of setting table, bringing food from kitchen to table, clean up, manners at the table etc. Maybe you want all this fuss only on Sundays or something.

So you are passing along indicia of your third world class insecurity along to your kids? Is that the great, important lesson here?

The great important lesson for my kids is that there is no need to follow USA for anything. Use the resources available and move on. Majority of the people are not even college educated.

They are better off learning how to eat with chopsticks...IYKYK!!!

If chopsticks were going to catch on here, they would have by now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

Why did you marry an idiot who doesn’t know how to set a table?

[Anonymous]

Are you the same one who is upset that your husband didn’t help with Easter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make between one and three dishes and have them sitting on the cooktop. Everyone gets their plate, takes what they want, gets a fork and something to drink and takes it to the table. The only thing I put on the table is cut up fruit in a bowl.
Does this bother my husband? Yes. He grew up in a family where the table was set and the meat-and-potato food was all plated and set before him by Mom. But he’s used to my ways and he’s certainly not going to start cooking and setting the table.
So I think if this matters to you, you’ll have to do it or teach your kids to do it.

Same. My husband doesn’t notice that he mom is all about many Serving Platters every meal and we’re not.

That said, he’s knows how to set the table with cutlery on the correct side and the glass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

Great, so you're here to give everyone the "do as I say, not as I do" advice?

No, I'm here to push back against the people saying she should stop having preferences and that it's unreasonable to think he should listen to her. She's reasonable, he's a douche, and she needs to figure out how to make this bearable.

You're in a failed relationship. Nobody needs you to pushback when you can't even figure your own life out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make between one and three dishes and have them sitting on the cooktop. Everyone gets their plate, takes what they want, gets a fork and something to drink and takes it to the table. The only thing I put on the table is cut up fruit in a bowl.
Does this bother my husband? Yes. He grew up in a family where the table was set and the meat-and-potato food was all plated and set before him by Mom. But he’s used to my ways and he’s certainly not going to start cooking and setting the table.
So I think if this matters to you, you’ll have to do it or teach your kids to do it.

Same. My husband doesn’t notice that he mom is all about many Serving Platters every meal and we’re not.

That said, he’s knows how to set the table with cutlery on the correct side and the glass.

Who does the dishes in the homes with all the serving platters, decorative bowls, special forks and separate glasses? Modern families don't have hours to spend on cooking, setting the table, then loads of pots, pans, platters, oyster forks, soup bowls, chargers, saucers, and all the other serving ware and cutlery involved. It's late, we have homework to do, so dinner and washing up is quick.

[Anonymous]

why aren't your kids setting the table? I was the youngest kid in my family and that was my job from the time I was five because it's so easy to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I'm not someone who's big on table setting and only really does it for holidays, it does seem a bit ridiculous a grown adult can't do a basic job of it.

This was something my mom and grandmother were into and I was doing it at age 9 or so. It's not a difficult thing to do and just tossing stuff on the table seems a bit off.

It's clearly not that he's incapable, it's that he doesn't care and he doesn't want to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I'm not someone who's big on table setting and only really does it for holidays, it does seem a bit ridiculous a grown adult can't do a basic job of it.

This was something my mom and grandmother were into and I was doing it at age 9 or so. It's not a difficult thing to do and just tossing stuff on the table seems a bit off.

It's clearly not that he's incapable, it's that he doesn't care and he doesn't want to do it.

Pretending every day is a holiday requiring proper table setting is a bit much. But, it's OPs way or the highway apparently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table.

What did you expect?

Most adults would expect him to easily learn how to properly set a table, plates, cutlery and cups

Bfd. Learn it.

Once you learn it you don’t have to keep being retaught it or keep letting down others.

If this is your power and control move - not doing basic things correctly to piss off your loved ones- then get a divorce.

Or, pick your battles. You don't need to die on every hill.

Or divorce. Life’s too short to live with a messy idiot and pretend he’s not a messy idiot.

What a trivial reason to break up a family.

The thing about this stuff is it's usually part of a pattern of behavior. Of course no one's just going to leave their spouse over one thing like this, it's usually just the straw that breaks the camels back.

The whole "she left me because I left my dishes by the sink" problem.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Oh, let's quote the HuffPo from a decade ago as if that's convincing. The fact is that author failed as a husband, so why should I believe he ever understood?

I know women here think they want their husbands to do all the chores, but those women are quite mistaken. Women don't really want a man to split the chores: they want a successful man who doesn't need to do the chores.

Um, no. I want a man who can do the chores and we split them and we're both successful. Some of us don't want to have a man provide for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

I think spouses should care about things that are important to the other person, but I also think both people need to appreciate that there is a line somewhere. For me, this would be on the let it go side of the line. For OP it may not be, and that's ok, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but I also think you can only ask so much of someone else, so if OP wants to pick this issue, she can, but posters are simply pointing out that this may be not be the hill she wants to die on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?

No. But I think men are capable of learning how to do the things that keep a house running and enable children to become members of more-or-less civilized society. And I think many men think those things just somehow happen.

I know that there are things I care about and my husband doesn’t, and I feel fine either doing them myself or going without. But there are other things he either doesn't care about and has therefore deemed unimportant, regardless of how the rest of the family feels, or that he cares about enough to use "we" but really means me.

At this point I do the stuff I care about and nothing that only he cares about. Thank goodness our kids are grown. And that I've taught them to give a shit about other people's feelings. Not to the exclusion of their own, but I can state a preference or ask them to pitch in without being treated like a controlling harpy.

So...you're in an unhappy marriage but you're on here giving advice?