I feel like I won the parenting wars

[Anonymous]

I don’t think there’s a problem with OP celebrating her kid’s accomplishment the way any of us would. It’s the “hey look at me I won” tone of her post. Raising kids is hard for everyone and even harder for people who struggle with various issues. An elite college acceptance should not be a validation of anyone’s parenting style.

[Anonymous]

I get celebrating the win of my kid over my sister’s kid. And I love my sister and her kids! But like OP their hands off way is always celebrated with my Midwest family (why are you guys out there on the east coast so focused on grades and accomplishments ?). Then, when my kid… gets into a good college or has some big win I do celebrate inside, like yes! This is why we do it! I would never say that out loud and OP says she wouldn’t either! But this is DCUM and she’s allowed to come on here and celebrate. Good luck OP. There’s still a ways to go in this parenting race but you did well and deserve to feel a sense of relief.

[Anonymous]

That’s wild that you keep track of your kids’ wins over their cousins. What great family get-togethers you must have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get celebrating the win of my kid over my sister’s kid. And I love my sister and her kids! But like OP their hands off way is always celebrated with my Midwest family (why are you guys out there on the east coast so focused on grades and accomplishments ?). Then, when my kid… gets into a good college or has some big win I do celebrate inside, like yes! This is why we do it! I would never say that out loud and OP says she wouldn’t either! But this is DCUM and she’s allowed to come on here and celebrate. Good luck OP. There’s still a ways to go in this parenting race but you did well and deserve to feel a sense of relief.

In your family it's a race that only you are running.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get celebrating the win of my kid over my sister’s kid. And I love my sister and her kids! But like OP their hands off way is always celebrated with my Midwest family (why are you guys out there on the east coast so focused on grades and accomplishments ?). Then, when my kid… gets into a good college or has some big win I do celebrate inside, like yes! This is why we do it! I would never say that out loud and OP says she wouldn’t either! But this is DCUM and she’s allowed to come on here and celebrate. Good luck OP. There’s still a ways to go in this parenting race but you did well and deserve to feel a sense of relief.

That is so sad. You can celebrate without making it a competition. Some kids thrive on hands off so it’s a legitimate parenting choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


OP here. This. I would never say this in real life. It was nice to anonymously say exactly what this poster states. That I'm excited for my kid. And we were at an all time low with the hospital (that we couldn't talk to any family about, even my mom with whom I'mso close. But she wouldn'tbe able to take it). And that it is nice to celebrate wins (while fully understanding the luck and privilege we have).

On the one hand: Congratulations.

On the other hand: Now your kid has to survive in a college that might be to very stressful and way too hard.

You need to be prepared to provide counseling and executive function coaching, if necessary, and to accept that your kid might end up being an English major with 2.3 GPA rather than a premed with 3.9 GPA.

My DC is the 3.9 pre-med who resisted micromanagement and advice. Also has 3 other siblings, so attention was diverted. Did what I could within reason but ultimately up to them to sink or swim.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is also in 12th grade. How do I ensure that next year at college she can identity and stay away from all these boys who have been scaffolded to an inch of their lives by mommy?

[Anonymous]

Hey OP - congratulations! Seeing as it appears that your kid needed you as a drill sergeant every step of the way, what’s your plan for next year when you live in different locations and he doesn’t live under your rules, so to speak?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many of you who are criticizing OP for her lack of social intelligence and similar are forgetting that DCUM is anonymous. Many of us post things on here that we would never breathe a word of in real life. In fact, that is why we post on here. Because we have solid family and friend relationships and a high social EQ and never say a braggy or obnoxious thing to others (and never on social media) but there is a tiny part of us us that just wants to say out loud:

"I am so excited for my kid!!! We were at an incredibly low point when he came home drunk and we took him to the hospital but HOLY CRAP IT ALL WORKED OUT OK!" but there is no way to say this to ANYONE in real life--not to best friends, not even to grandparents.

I imagine that this is what is going on here. DCUM serves an anonymous brain dump and form of therapy for so many of us. I am not OP but I can completely imagine posting what she did.

OP here. This. I would never say this in real life. It was nice to anonymously say exactly what this poster states. That I'm excited for my kid. And we were at an all time low with the hospital (that we couldn't talk to any family about, even my mom with whom I'mso close. But she wouldn'tbe able to take it). And that it is nice to celebrate wins (while fully understanding the luck and privilege we have).

Op, think about why you have no one in your life with whom you can share your child's accomplishments and failures and your mistakes. Spend some time reflecting and realize what that says about you as a person. Try to be a better person, friend, neighbor, colleague, daughter.

+1. This is a great post. I’m guessing OP’s mother does agree with this parenting wars stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The “live and let live” parents may not have been thinking this was a competition all along. You have put your child in an enviable position but from now on it’s what they do with it that matters. With hard work and dedication they can succeed if they want to — and so can the children of the parents who “lost.”

Yah. We are live and let live and my sons made it to the Ivies unhooked w/out any of those issues.

[Anonymous]

I’m happy for you OP, and for your family.

But the headline was so negative. I feel like you have a chip on your shoulder. Be careful about hubris. Some of us aren’t competing. Some of us have regular kids who will go to regular schools. Going around saying you “won” because where your kid got into college makes me think I wouldn’t like you as a person.

[Anonymous]

There are numerous PhDs from elite schools who floundered.
An elite degree is no guarantee of success. Believe me, Stanford PhD sibling who could not hold onto a job, marriage and children is a prime example.
Seriously, emergency room on prom night from vodka? My kids have issues but nothing like that. And I was really hands off during the high school years. Yet somehow they managed to get into good schools.

[Anonymous]

Getting into a top school isn’t the finish line you think it is. It’s the start line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s wild that you keep track of your kids’ wins over their cousins. What great family get-togethers you must have.

My SIL is like this. Anytime something is mentioned, she blurts out something great about her kid.

I’m not getting the impression that OP is like this. She and the other PP are celebrating quietly in their own thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Congrats, OP, for finding your way through the chaos of the high school years. I understood from your post that you were competing not so much against other parents as against the dominant culture for bandwidth. We live in a society that can be inimical to parents, where kids are constantly exposed to messaging that undermines their best efforts. Asserting your own value structure and trying to help your kid along a constructive path can be a lot of work. Appreciate that you were honest about that fact! However, your emphasis on acceptance to a top school as a proxy for a safe and successful future is misplaced. Also, the difficulties you mentioned navigating were not minor speed bumps, but major red flags. The essence of the critical posts is that people are worried.