Extreme resentment over mental load

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely obsessed with these people who assume the woman resentful of the mental load must be a SAHM or has some sort of “for fun” job. I know moms in hetero marriages who are the default parent and household manager and make double what the husband makes.

Statistically these cases are rare as you are well aware.

Maybe making double is rare. Women working full-time with kids along with their husbands is not. In fact, in 45% of marriages, the wife earns the same or more.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/

+1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

So stop.

And neglect the children? Yeah, great solution.

Not the likely outcome. You just want to complain. Go ahead, but know that you're at least 50% of this problem. Probably more; keeping the problem keeps something for you to complain about, and you're clearly attached to that practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely obsessed with these people who assume the woman resentful of the mental load must be a SAHM or has some sort of “for fun” job. I know moms in hetero marriages who are the default parent and household manager and make double what the husband makes.

Statistically these cases are rare as you are well aware.

Maybe making double is rare. Women working full-time with kids along with their husbands is not. In fact, in 45% of marriages, the wife earns the same or more.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/

+1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

So stop.

And neglect the children? Yeah, great solution.

Your children will be fine. You like to tell yourself otherwise to justify all the extra you want to do and make yourself the hero and center of the story. Children don't need all of this extra crap.

EXACTLY. Some people are really attached to the narrative that makes them a victim without responsibility for their choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: +1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

If these women are amenable to outsourcing gift wrapping and tree decorating and Christmas dinner preparing, they should.

I outsource what I don't want on my mental load. People resist this because they want to wrap gifts. Not everyone does. But it is not uncommon.

Or because they think about that money going toward retirement accounts or college funds.

OR because they're unwilling to drop the nonessentials to preserve their sanity and resources. Gift wrapping, tree decorating, Christmas dinner preparing... nothing stated in this thread is a need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely obsessed with these people who assume the woman resentful of the mental load must be a SAHM or has some sort of “for fun” job. I know moms in hetero marriages who are the default parent and household manager and make double what the husband makes.

Statistically these cases are rare as you are well aware.

Maybe making double is rare. Women working full-time with kids along with their husbands is not. In fact, in 45% of marriages, the wife earns the same or more.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/

+1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

So stop.

And neglect the children? Yeah, great solution.

Your children will be fine. You like to tell yourself otherwise to justify all the extra you want to do and make yourself the hero and center of the story. Children don't need all of this extra crap.

But is a Christmas tree really extra? What about a holiday dinner or stockings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: +1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

If these women are amenable to outsourcing gift wrapping and tree decorating and Christmas dinner preparing, they should.

I outsource what I don't want on my mental load. People resist this because they want to wrap gifts. Not everyone does. But it is not uncommon.

Or because they think about that money going toward retirement accounts or college funds.

Yes that's also an important consideration - striking a balance between college funds, mental load, and gift wrapping.

If outsourcing isn't an option, providing gifts and decorations and food can be simplified to reduce the mental load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: +1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

If these women are amenable to outsourcing gift wrapping and tree decorating and Christmas dinner preparing, they should.

I outsource what I don't want on my mental load. People resist this because they want to wrap gifts. Not everyone does. But it is not uncommon.

Or because they think about that money going toward retirement accounts or college funds.

OR because they're unwilling to drop the nonessentials to preserve their sanity and resources. Gift wrapping, tree decorating, Christmas dinner preparing... nothing stated in this thread is a need.

Then what is a need? If you don’t need these things you also could live without a sofa, never go on vacation and eat McDonald’s every night instead of a normal meal.

You sound like a man who takes advantage of female labor and your only defense is to claim it’s all unnecessary make work. As if kids don’t expect presents from Santa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely obsessed with these people who assume the woman resentful of the mental load must be a SAHM or has some sort of “for fun” job. I know moms in hetero marriages who are the default parent and household manager and make double what the husband makes.

Statistically these cases are rare as you are well aware.

Maybe making double is rare. Women working full-time with kids along with their husbands is not. In fact, in 45% of marriages, the wife earns the same or more.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/

+1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

So stop.

And neglect the children? Yeah, great solution.

Your children will be fine. You like to tell yourself otherwise to justify all the extra you want to do and make yourself the hero and center of the story. Children don't need all of this extra crap.

But is a Christmas tree really extra? What about a holiday dinner or stockings?

How stressed are you over your mental load?

If your mental load has the capacity for stockings, hang the stockings.

[Anonymous]

No, your child doesn't "need" a birthday party. They certainly don't need a class party at a venue with pizza. A Betty Crocker cake with the family is enough. If your kid needs a party, you are giving the wrong message

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely obsessed with these people who assume the woman resentful of the mental load must be a SAHM or has some sort of “for fun” job. I know moms in hetero marriages who are the default parent and household manager and make double what the husband makes.

Statistically these cases are rare as you are well aware.

Maybe making double is rare. Women working full-time with kids along with their husbands is not. In fact, in 45% of marriages, the wife earns the same or more.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/

+1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

So stop.

And neglect the children? Yeah, great solution.

I stopped cooking and my husband looked like a deer in the headlights at first but then he started scrambling. First he ordered take out, then bought prepared meals at Whole Foods, and now he’s getting the meal boxes with ingredients that he cooks. No, my kids weren’t neglected. And, it turns out, he could and would cook if I stopped cooking. I did the same thing with Summer camps: told him in December that I was no longer in charge of securing Summer camps, let him know if he didn’t have a plan for the kids by early January, we’d be screwed. Lo and be hold he got it done and is now on Year 3 of being Summer camp organizer. I no longer think about it…well except for now while writing this. Some things will go awry, it will be ugly sometimes but it’s worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely obsessed with these people who assume the woman resentful of the mental load must be a SAHM or has some sort of “for fun” job. I know moms in hetero marriages who are the default parent and household manager and make double what the husband makes.

Statistically these cases are rare as you are well aware.

Maybe making double is rare. Women working full-time with kids along with their husbands is not. In fact, in 45% of marriages, the wife earns the same or more.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/

+1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

So stop.

And neglect the children? Yeah, great solution.

Your children will be fine. You like to tell yourself otherwise to justify all the extra you want to do and make yourself the hero and center of the story. Children don't need all of this extra crap.

But is a Christmas tree really extra? What about a holiday dinner or stockings?

You do realize lots of people don't even celebrate Christmas at all and they survive just fine, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely obsessed with these people who assume the woman resentful of the mental load must be a SAHM or has some sort of “for fun” job. I know moms in hetero marriages who are the default parent and household manager and make double what the husband makes.

Statistically these cases are rare as you are well aware.

Maybe making double is rare. Women working full-time with kids along with their husbands is not. In fact, in 45% of marriages, the wife earns the same or more.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/

+1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

So stop.

And neglect the children? Yeah, great solution.

I stopped cooking and my husband looked like a deer in the headlights at first but then he started scrambling. First he ordered take out, then bought prepared meals at Whole Foods, and now he’s getting the meal boxes with ingredients that he cooks. No, my kids weren’t neglected. And, it turns out, he could and would cook if I stopped cooking. I did the same thing with Summer camps: told him in December that I was no longer in charge of securing Summer camps, let him know if he didn’t have a plan for the kids by early January, we’d be screwed. Lo and be hold he got it done and is now on Year 3 of being Summer camp organizer. I no longer think about it…well except for now while writing this. Some things will go awry, it will be ugly sometimes but it’s worth it.

PPs aren’t suggesting shifting the load to their husbands. They’re suggesting abandoning key work—like finding summer camps—altogether, insisting it isn’t actually necessary and that these women’s stressors are all in their heads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: +1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

If these women are amenable to outsourcing gift wrapping and tree decorating and Christmas dinner preparing, they should.

I outsource what I don't want on my mental load. People resist this because they want to wrap gifts. Not everyone does. But it is not uncommon.

Or because they think about that money going toward retirement accounts or college funds.

OR because they're unwilling to drop the nonessentials to preserve their sanity and resources. Gift wrapping, tree decorating, Christmas dinner preparing... nothing stated in this thread is a need.

Then what is a need? If you don’t need these things you also could live without a sofa, never go on vacation and eat McDonald’s every night instead of a normal meal.

You sound like a man who takes advantage of female labor and your only defense is to claim it’s all unnecessary make work. As if kids don’t expect presents from Santa.

TIL I'm finally a man!

I am, interestingly enough, a person who has gone without a sofa, lived many long years without a vacation, and ate worse than McDonalds many nights. It probably continues to inform my perspective... Maybe it's easier to realize how nice things are because I went for many years without those niceties and I realize they're definitely not needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely obsessed with these people who assume the woman resentful of the mental load must be a SAHM or has some sort of “for fun” job. I know moms in hetero marriages who are the default parent and household manager and make double what the husband makes.

Statistically these cases are rare as you are well aware.

Maybe making double is rare. Women working full-time with kids along with their husbands is not. In fact, in 45% of marriages, the wife earns the same or more.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/

+1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

So stop.

And neglect the children? Yeah, great solution.

I stopped cooking and my husband looked like a deer in the headlights at first but then he started scrambling. First he ordered take out, then bought prepared meals at Whole Foods, and now he’s getting the meal boxes with ingredients that he cooks. No, my kids weren’t neglected. And, it turns out, he could and would cook if I stopped cooking. I did the same thing with Summer camps: told him in December that I was no longer in charge of securing Summer camps, let him know if he didn’t have a plan for the kids by early January, we’d be screwed. Lo and be hold he got it done and is now on Year 3 of being Summer camp organizer. I no longer think about it…well except for now while writing this. Some things will go awry, it will be ugly sometimes but it’s worth it.

PPs aren’t suggesting shifting the load to their husbands. They’re suggesting abandoning key work—like finding summer camps—altogether, insisting it isn’t actually necessary and that these women’s stressors are all in their heads.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Then what is a need? If you don’t need these things you also could live without a sofa, never go on vacation and eat McDonald’s every night instead of a normal meal.

You sound like a man who takes advantage of female labor and your only defense is to claim it’s all unnecessary make work. As if kids don’t expect presents from Santa.

DP

These are needs according to your mental health. Santa gifts aren't needs if your finances can't withstand it. Likewise, if your mental health is suffering, that's more important, and the Santa gift giving needs to be simplified. If the service that sends per-wrapped gifts is too stressful, I'm looking for other areas to lighten the load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: +1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

If these women are amenable to outsourcing gift wrapping and tree decorating and Christmas dinner preparing, they should.

I outsource what I don't want on my mental load. People resist this because they want to wrap gifts. Not everyone does. But it is not uncommon.

Or because they think about that money going toward retirement accounts or college funds.

OR because they're unwilling to drop the nonessentials to preserve their sanity and resources. Gift wrapping, tree decorating, Christmas dinner preparing... nothing stated in this thread is a need.

Then what is a need? If you don’t need these things you also could live without a sofa, never go on vacation and eat McDonald’s every night instead of a normal meal.

You sound like a man who takes advantage of female labor and your only defense is to claim it’s all unnecessary make work. As if kids don’t expect presents from Santa.

TIL I'm finally a man!

I am, interestingly enough, a person who has gone without a sofa, lived many long years without a vacation, and ate worse than McDonalds many nights. It probably continues to inform my perspective... Maybe it's easier to realize how nice things are because I went for many years without those niceties and I realize they're definitely not needs.

Cool well I’m an UMC American and we have standards including a tree, stockings and some presents for Christmas.