Calling DH's new GF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the kids are over 18, they deserve to know the truth.

Except OP doesn't know the truth. All she knows is they had been unhappily married for awhile and it wasn't all just her ex. So he left and they are getting divorced. After 8 months of separation, he has a new gf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. She might not answer if she thinks it's you. Don't call from your usual phone number, OP.

2. Only call if you can play the dignified wronged older woman with wisdom to impart. Which means, don't blame her, don't even imply blame. Explain you are calling because you want her to know that you were faithful and committed, and that he cheated on you and refuses to accept any responsibility. That you are worried for her, because he will cheat on her too. Kind, mellow voice. Don't give her grounds to reject what you say. Instill seeds of doubt so that she will always be suspicious of him.

That's how you place a call to the girlfriend.

Why is anyone assuming the new girlfriend is younger?

Very often men tend to leave their wives for younger women. There are exceptions of course. I once overheard 2 women taking and the one of them said something to the other and she responded "She is only 34, of course he left her to be with someone younger" with a facial expression of resignation.

Women's bodies change after menopause and some men can't handle it like adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the kids are over 18, they deserve to know the truth.

Except OP doesn't know the truth. All she knows is they had been unhappily married for awhile and it wasn't all just her ex. So he left and they are getting divorced. After 8 months of separation, he has a new gf.

Are you saying OP doesn't know what you just wrote?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Do not contact the new GF. That is weird and stalkerish and will accomplish nothing, except making you look insane.

And be very careful what you tell your kids. This is their dad. If they have a bad relationship with him anyway it may not be a big deal to say you think he cheated on you. But if they have a good relationship with their dad, let them keep it! They will resent you if you start badmouthing him.

Since when is telling the truth about what happened to a family to people in the family "badmouthing?" If someone does something bad, is everyone just suppose to ignore it to avoid hurting that person's feelings for acknowledging what they did? When the kids want to know why the rest of their lives will be spent splitting holidays across multiple families, don't they deserve a truthful answer? Why can't she say, "he left me for another woman, and I did not want this"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the kids are over 18, they deserve to know the truth.

Except OP doesn't know the truth. All she knows is they had been unhappily married for awhile and it wasn't all just her ex. So he left and they are getting divorced. After 8 months of separation, he has a new gf.

Are you saying OP doesn't know what you just wrote?

No I'm saying OP shouldn't tell her kids that he cheated or make it sound like he's 100% responsible for the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Do not contact the new GF. That is weird and stalkerish and will accomplish nothing, except making you look insane.

And be very careful what you tell your kids. This is their dad. If they have a bad relationship with him anyway it may not be a big deal to say you think he cheated on you. But if they have a good relationship with their dad, let them keep it! They will resent you if you start badmouthing him.

Since when is telling the truth about what happened to a family to people in the family "badmouthing?" If someone does something bad, is everyone just suppose to ignore it to avoid hurting that person's feelings for acknowledging what they did? When the kids want to know why the rest of their lives will be spent splitting holidays across multiple families, don't they deserve a truthful answer? Why can't she say, "he left me for another woman, and I did not want this"?

Because she doesn't KNOW he left for another woman. She admits their marriage wasn't good and that she contributed to it. It's been 8 months. Does it seem like something was going on before they separated? Yes. But without proof there is no way OP should be telling the kids that.

[Anonymous]

My mother spent years trashing my dad after they separated: according to her, he cheated etc. Mostly what this accomplished was to make me dread talking to my mother, and sympathize with my dad, who might or might not have cheated (my mom has low credibility at this point) but who had to deal with her criticism and negativity for years and years.

Honestly i do not blame him for leaving, even if he cheated. He is now happy and remarried and his new wife is great, and they have been together for a decade. They are just a better fit than he and my mom ever were. Meanwhile my mom is lonely and bitter, and instead of acknowledging her own role in the fact their marriage fell apart and working on her own stuff, she just blames him for everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother spent years trashing my dad after they separated: according to her, he cheated etc. Mostly what this accomplished was to make me dread talking to my mother, and sympathize with my dad, who might or might not have cheated (my mom has low credibility at this point) but who had to deal with her criticism and negativity for years and years.

Honestly i do not blame him for leaving, even if he cheated. He is now happy and remarried and his new wife is great, and they have been together for a decade. They are just a better fit than he and my mom ever were. Meanwhile my mom is lonely and bitter, and instead of acknowledging her own role in the fact their marriage fell apart and working on her own stuff, she just blames him for everything.

Are you my sister?

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the kids are over 18, they deserve to know the truth.

Except OP doesn't know the truth. All she knows is they had been unhappily married for awhile and it wasn't all just her ex. So he left and they are getting divorced. After 8 months of separation, he has a new gf.

Agree. Whatever OP may suspect or fear, the above is all she knows, and it means she should accept that the marriage is over, not diss DH to the kids, and not contact the new GF. (If the new GF has any sense, she will say "you need to discuss this with your spouse, not with me.").

And go to therapy! OP needs to do two things: one, think about what role she herself may have played in creating a situation in which her spouse was so unhappy but in which his decision to leave was a "bombshell" (which suggests she was not really very self aware or aware of his emotions), and two, think about how to move on in healthy ways, motivated by the desire to be happy and whole even if without him, not by a desire for vengeance.