Spouse Lets DD Ghost My Mother

[Anonymous]

My mom is dead and my dad is deaf, so my kids don’t have to do this. But my ILs and their relationship with my kids is 100% my DH’s job to consider and arrange.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this is all about your mother's needs and not the needs of your child.

How long have you prioritized your mother's needs and desires over those of your own family?

Someday you will be sitting in assisted living miserably wondering why your kids and grandkids never visit or call you. Think about this post then. And ring for the caregiver to change your Depends, but as usual she takes her time about showing up.

Actually, parents and grandparents who take the time to foster strong, close, reciprocal relationships don't have this problem. It's the ones who were selfish and checked out who do. Then they wake up one day in old age and can't figure out why no one wants to visit them.

Door swings both ways. Sounds like grandma is trying very hard and DD is being a brat fully supported by her mom.

Why is it bratty to not want to talk to someone? Why would you even want a forced conversation?

Normalize letting kids say no. Agency is important.

Normilize raising kind, polite kids who understand that grandparents love them and are important. FFS

So saying "no" isn't kind or polite, and little girls shouldn't do it? Really? That's the message you want to send?

Welcome to rape culture. Where did you think that started?

Give me a break. The girl can talk to her grandmother for 5 minutes.

If she's not free to say no, she's not free to give meaningful consent.

You realize you sound completely insane when you compare a five min phone call with grandma to rape, right? RIGHT????? FFS

Consent transfers to far more than just rape. Stop trying to villify consent in children. Try are humans and people too, not just your okay thing to do with as you wish.

I saw a thing the other day where babies are supposed to consent to diaper changes. I couldn’t tell if it was a joke or not, that is how far down this consent rabbit hole some of you are!

hahahhaahahhaa omg we shouldn't force babies to have their diapers changed. We shouldn't force kids to go to school or get vaccines. THEY DID NOT CONSENT!!!!

Again, imagine thinking this was a smart comeback from an intelligent source, and not a hamfisted derail in an attempt to duck a legitimate point.

If she's not free to say no, she's not free to give meaningful consent. You should probably sit with that instead of thinking about baby diapers. Sicko.

Children are not allowed to say no to a lot of things. That is the point. Why is that so hard for your to understand?

I understand there are things we do have to insist upon (e.g. regular bathing, school attendance). This isn't one of them. This is an area where it's developmentally appropriate for the child to say yes or no, and reasonable for the parents to allow a choice.

Why is that so hard for you?

Why is it hard for you to understand that maintaining a relationship with your close family members is not only necessary but crucially important for development and emotional well being? Are you so stunted that you think a stork dropped you off? You benefited greatly from having these relationships growing up, but can't imagine that your kids would too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother is 81, lives alone and has 4 grandkids. Two from me and two from my brother. In addition to our DD, we have a DS. My mother likes weekly calls/face time with them. My son participates happily but my daughter is 'annoyed' by the calls and tries to skip them. I don't allow her to skip them, but my wife does. She'll go so far as to 'forget' to be home with my DD while running errands, schedule conflicting appointments, etc. She will happily 'defend' my DD's objections when I challenge her non participation. Basically, she is complicit and I am irrationally angry over this. Am I wrong?

Yes. Call grandma some other time, it doesn’t need to be on a schedule that blocks errands, etc. grandma isn’t so busy she can’t talk a different 5 minutes of the week.

OP here. Didn't see thin blowing up.

My mother's calls aren't blocking anything. It's the opposite. If she texts our family chat and says "Talk at 4 on Sunday?" my wife will 'accidentally' be at the store with my DD

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this is all about your mother's needs and not the needs of your child.

How long have you prioritized your mother's needs and desires over those of your own family?

Someday you will be sitting in assisted living miserably wondering why your kids and grandkids never visit or call you. Think about this post then. And ring for the caregiver to change your Depends, but as usual she takes her time about showing up.

Actually, parents and grandparents who take the time to foster strong, close, reciprocal relationships don't have this problem. It's the ones who were selfish and checked out who do. Then they wake up one day in old age and can't figure out why no one wants to visit them.

Door swings both ways. Sounds like grandma is trying very hard and DD is being a brat fully supported by her mom.

Why is it bratty to not want to talk to someone? Why would you even want a forced conversation?

Normalize letting kids say no. Agency is important.

Normilize raising kind, polite kids who understand that grandparents love them and are important. FFS

So saying "no" isn't kind or polite, and little girls shouldn't do it? Really? That's the message you want to send?

Welcome to rape culture. Where did you think that started?

Give me a break. The girl can talk to her grandmother for 5 minutes.

If she's not free to say no, she's not free to give meaningful consent.

You realize you sound completely insane when you compare a five min phone call with grandma to rape, right? RIGHT????? FFS

Consent transfers to far more than just rape. Stop trying to villify consent in children. Try are humans and people too, not just your okay thing to do with as you wish.

I saw a thing the other day where babies are supposed to consent to diaper changes. I couldn’t tell if it was a joke or not, that is how far down this consent rabbit hole some of you are!

hahahhaahahhaa omg we shouldn't force babies to have their diapers changed. We shouldn't force kids to go to school or get vaccines. THEY DID NOT CONSENT!!!!

Again, imagine thinking this was a smart comeback from an intelligent source, and not a hamfisted derail in an attempt to duck a legitimate point.

If she's not free to say no, she's not free to give meaningful consent. You should probably sit with that instead of thinking about baby diapers. Sicko.

Children are not allowed to say no to a lot of things. That is the point. Why is that so hard for your to understand?

I understand there are things we do have to insist upon (e.g. regular bathing, school attendance). This isn't one of them. This is an area where it's developmentally appropriate for the child to say yes or no, and reasonable for the parents to allow a choice.

Why is that so hard for you?

Why is it so hard for you to get that OP and several others disagree?

I don’t have a dog in this fight because I don’t force my kids to talk to grandparents, but I do call them on speaker when the kids are around so they say hi, etc. a nice middle ground, I think, as my kids hate chatting on the phone. But I think it’s reasonable to start to expect them to call as they get college age. I called about every 2 weeks just to be polite when I was away at college.

Then what are you devil's advocating/prattling on for? Do you want a cookie? A gold star?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother is 81, lives alone and has 4 grandkids. Two from me and two from my brother. In addition to our DD, we have a DS. My mother likes weekly calls/face time with them. My son participates happily but my daughter is 'annoyed' by the calls and tries to skip them. I don't allow her to skip them, but my wife does. She'll go so far as to 'forget' to be home with my DD while running errands, schedule conflicting appointments, etc. She will happily 'defend' my DD's objections when I challenge her non participation. Basically, she is complicit and I am irrationally angry over this. Am I wrong?

Yes. Call grandma some other time, it doesn’t need to be on a schedule that blocks errands, etc. grandma isn’t so busy she can’t talk a different 5 minutes of the week.

OP here. Didn't see thin blowing up.

My mother's calls aren't blocking anything. It's the opposite. If she texts our family chat and says "Talk at 4 on Sunday?" my wife will 'accidentally' be at the store with my DD

Why does she do that? What is her reasoning?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this is all about your mother's needs and not the needs of your child.

How long have you prioritized your mother's needs and desires over those of your own family?

Someday you will be sitting in assisted living miserably wondering why your kids and grandkids never visit or call you. Think about this post then. And ring for the caregiver to change your Depends, but as usual she takes her time about showing up.

Actually, parents and grandparents who take the time to foster strong, close, reciprocal relationships don't have this problem. It's the ones who were selfish and checked out who do. Then they wake up one day in old age and can't figure out why no one wants to visit them.

Door swings both ways. Sounds like grandma is trying very hard and DD is being a brat fully supported by her mom.

Why is it bratty to not want to talk to someone? Why would you even want a forced conversation?

Normalize letting kids say no. Agency is important.

Normilize raising kind, polite kids who understand that grandparents love them and are important. FFS

So saying "no" isn't kind or polite, and little girls shouldn't do it? Really? That's the message you want to send?

Welcome to rape culture. Where did you think that started?

Give me a break. The girl can talk to her grandmother for 5 minutes.

If she's not free to say no, she's not free to give meaningful consent.

You realize you sound completely insane when you compare a five min phone call with grandma to rape, right? RIGHT????? FFS

Consent transfers to far more than just rape. Stop trying to villify consent in children. Try are humans and people too, not just your okay thing to do with as you wish.

I saw a thing the other day where babies are supposed to consent to diaper changes. I couldn’t tell if it was a joke or not, that is how far down this consent rabbit hole some of you are!

hahahhaahahhaa omg we shouldn't force babies to have their diapers changed. We shouldn't force kids to go to school or get vaccines. THEY DID NOT CONSENT!!!!

Again, imagine thinking this was a smart comeback from an intelligent source, and not a hamfisted derail in an attempt to duck a legitimate point.

If she's not free to say no, she's not free to give meaningful consent. You should probably sit with that instead of thinking about baby diapers. Sicko.

Children are not allowed to say no to a lot of things. That is the point. Why is that so hard for your to understand?

I understand there are things we do have to insist upon (e.g. regular bathing, school attendance). This isn't one of them. This is an area where it's developmentally appropriate for the child to say yes or no, and reasonable for the parents to allow a choice.

Why is that so hard for you?

Why is it hard for you to understand that maintaining a relationship with your close family members is not only necessary but crucially important for development and emotional well being? Are you so stunted that you think a stork dropped you off? You benefited greatly from having these relationships growing up, but can't imagine that your kids would too?

It's not "stunted" to think that allowing a kid to opt out of a phone call isn't the nuclear crisis an adult should get "irrationally angry" about. I had great relationships with my grands because they weren't self-centering, controlling jerks. I also had relationships, not forced encounters.

Now you want to talk about what relationships benefitted my childhood, and what might help my kids? Hunty, you don't know the first thing about me or my life, so why are you talking this mess like you do? I'll tell you what, you name ONE of my grandparents names, and I'll let you make this about me. Otherwise, you are reacting to the "me" you made up in your head so you didn't have to deal with whatever feelings this thread provoked in you, and that's just not healthy adult behavior, honey.

Project out your ass any harder and you'll prolapse.

[Anonymous]

It's easy to see why there are so many posts here about dysfunctional families, self-absorbed parents, and bratty kids.

It is insane that someone might think it is rape culture to have a child do something they don't want to do, esp when it is as easy as face timing with a grandparent. And it is depressing that so many people think that OP is controlling because he wants his wife's support in this. The selfishness we see here is a big problem with the world more generally. Truly the "me generation" attitude just compounding over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this is all about your mother's needs and not the needs of your child.

How long have you prioritized your mother's needs and desires over those of your own family?

Someday you will be sitting in assisted living miserably wondering why your kids and grandkids never visit or call you. Think about this post then. And ring for the caregiver to change your Depends, but as usual she takes her time about showing up.

Actually, parents and grandparents who take the time to foster strong, close, reciprocal relationships don't have this problem. It's the ones who were selfish and checked out who do. Then they wake up one day in old age and can't figure out why no one wants to visit them.

Door swings both ways. Sounds like grandma is trying very hard and DD is being a brat fully supported by her mom.

Why is it bratty to not want to talk to someone? Why would you even want a forced conversation?

Normalize letting kids say no. Agency is important.

It's called kindness and compassion. You should find some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this is all about your mother's needs and not the needs of your child.

How long have you prioritized your mother's needs and desires over those of your own family?

Someday you will be sitting in assisted living miserably wondering why your kids and grandkids never visit or call you. Think about this post then. And ring for the caregiver to change your Depends, but as usual she takes her time about showing up.

Actually, parents and grandparents who take the time to foster strong, close, reciprocal relationships don't have this problem. It's the ones who were selfish and checked out who do. Then they wake up one day in old age and can't figure out why no one wants to visit them.

Door swings both ways. Sounds like grandma is trying very hard and DD is being a brat fully supported by her mom.

Why is it bratty to not want to talk to someone? Why would you even want a forced conversation?

Normalize letting kids say no. Agency is important.

Normilize raising kind, polite kids who understand that grandparents love them and are important. FFS

So saying "no" isn't kind or polite, and little girls shouldn't do it? Really? That's the message you want to send?

Welcome to rape culture. Where did you think that started?

Give me a break. The girl can talk to her grandmother for 5 minutes.

If she's not free to say no, she's not free to give meaningful consent.

You realize you sound completely insane when you compare a five min phone call with grandma to rape, right? RIGHT????? FFS

Consent transfers to far more than just rape. Stop trying to villify consent in children. Try are humans and people too, not just your okay thing to do with as you wish.

I saw a thing the other day where babies are supposed to consent to diaper changes. I couldn’t tell if it was a joke or not, that is how far down this consent rabbit hole some of you are!

hahahhaahahhaa omg we shouldn't force babies to have their diapers changed. We shouldn't force kids to go to school or get vaccines. THEY DID NOT CONSENT!!!!

Again, imagine thinking this was a smart comeback from an intelligent source, and not a hamfisted derail in an attempt to duck a legitimate point.

If she's not free to say no, she's not free to give meaningful consent. You should probably sit with that instead of thinking about baby diapers. Sicko.

Children are not allowed to say no to a lot of things. That is the point. Why is that so hard for your to understand?

I understand there are things we do have to insist upon (e.g. regular bathing, school attendance). This isn't one of them. This is an area where it's developmentally appropriate for the child to say yes or no, and reasonable for the parents to allow a choice.

Why is that so hard for you?

Why is it hard for you to understand that maintaining a relationship with your close family members is not only necessary but crucially important for development and emotional well being? Are you so stunted that you think a stork dropped you off? You benefited greatly from having these relationships growing up, but can't imagine that your kids would too?

It's not "stunted" to think that allowing a kid to opt out of a phone call isn't the nuclear crisis an adult should get "irrationally angry" about. I had great relationships with my grands because they weren't self-centering, controlling jerks. I also had relationships, not forced encounters.

Now you want to talk about what relationships benefitted my childhood, and what might help my kids? Hunty, you don't know the first thing about me or my life, so why are you talking this mess like you do? I'll tell you what, you name ONE of my grandparents names, and I'll let you make this about me. Otherwise, you are reacting to the "me" you made up in your head so you didn't have to deal with whatever feelings this thread provoked in you, and that's just not healthy adult behavior, honey.

Project out your ass any harder and you'll prolapse.

Where does it say that OPs mom is a self-centered, controlling jerk? If you don't want me projecting, perhaps you should not project yourself and stop making up facts about OP's mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's easy to see why there are so many posts here about dysfunctional families, self-absorbed parents, and bratty kids.

It is insane that someone might think it is rape culture to have a child do something they don't want to do, esp when it is as easy as face timing with a grandparent. And it is depressing that so many people think that OP is controlling because he wants his wife's support in this. The selfishness we see here is a big problem with the world more generally. Truly the "me generation" attitude just compounding over time.

Pack it up and go home, y'all. The grand high poobah of DCUM has spoken!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother is 81, lives alone and has 4 grandkids. Two from me and two from my brother. In addition to our DD, we have a DS. My mother likes weekly calls/face time with them. My son participates happily but my daughter is 'annoyed' by the calls and tries to skip them. I don't allow her to skip them, but my wife does. She'll go so far as to 'forget' to be home with my DD while running errands, schedule conflicting appointments, etc. She will happily 'defend' my DD's objections when I challenge her non participation. Basically, she is complicit and I am irrationally angry over this. Am I wrong?

Yes. Call grandma some other time, it doesn’t need to be on a schedule that blocks errands, etc. grandma isn’t so busy she can’t talk a different 5 minutes of the week.

OP here. Didn't see thin blowing up.

My mother's calls aren't blocking anything. It's the opposite. If she texts our family chat and says "Talk at 4 on Sunday?" my wife will 'accidentally' be at the store with my DD

I don't understand why your mom is scheduling a time to call her grandchild with your wife. You should be reaching out to do that and leave her uninvolved.
Or are you saying your wife somehow finds out when you'll be calling your mom and takes DD out of the house on purpose?

[Anonymous]

You don't say how old DD is, but I'd explain sometimes it's important we go out of our way for older relatives. They're lonely, and talking to children really makes their day. So whether she's 3 or 17 I'd tell her to get over herself and spend five minutes asking how Grandma is, and telling her two things going on with her life.

Love,
Someone who grew up having brunch every single Sunday with her grandparents. Nobody ever skipped it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this is all about your mother's needs and not the needs of your child.

How long have you prioritized your mother's needs and desires over those of your own family?

Someday you will be sitting in assisted living miserably wondering why your kids and grandkids never visit or call you. Think about this post then. And ring for the caregiver to change your Depends, but as usual she takes her time about showing up.

Actually, parents and grandparents who take the time to foster strong, close, reciprocal relationships don't have this problem. It's the ones who were selfish and checked out who do. Then they wake up one day in old age and can't figure out why no one wants to visit them.

Door swings both ways. Sounds like grandma is trying very hard and DD is being a brat fully supported by her mom.

We have NO IDEA what kind of MIL and grandma she has been for the last 20 years. Just because she's now 81 and old and lonely doesn't mean she was a good person before.

Correct. It's not stopping you though from conjecturing that she was awful. Why is that? Are you projecting? Trying to justify your own horrible behavior towards your in-laws and parents?

If wife has a problem with grandma, she can be a big girl about it and bring up the concerns. I hate passive aggressive antics.

How do you know she hasn't? OP is very scant on details. Your default is that there is NO REASON for wife to behave this way. My default is the opposite. Until we have more details, we simply don't know.

I'm assuming she hasn't because according to OP she is simply missing the calls and DS has no problem talking to grandma. So we do have some information that doesn't support that grandma was horrible. Your default is to vilify people with zero information about their wrongdoing? NICE!

We also have the information that DD DOESN'T WANT TO. Which you are conveniently ignoring.

I'm sure DD doesn't want to do a LOT of stuff which both parents have no issue making her do. Taking showers, going to school, eating right, exercising, going to bed on time. But THIS, this is where you draw the line. Grow up.

Are you really so intellectually stunted that you don't see the common denominator in all the things you listed? All of those "parents will make you do these things" tasks are about DDs health and well-being. You know what else is about DD's health and well-being? Boundaries.

Sounds like you need to take your own advice and grow some brain matter, dearie.

Are you really so stunted that you don't understand that raising a respectful, caring child who respects her grandma is super beneficial to DDs wellbeing? If boundaries need to be drawn due to some kind of abuse, by all means do that. But there is zero evidence of that.

I suggest that OP take charge of this and make his DD talk to grandma since his wife is being a brat as are you.

"You can only say no if you can prove abuse" "If you don't always comply with someone else's wishes, you're not respectful or caring." "You can only draw the boundaries that meet everyone else's needs/wants first."

Forced compliance isn't a relationship. It's a hostage situation.

Uhm, you make no sense whatsoever. Please show me on this keyboard where granma hurt you, you lunatic.

I had great relationships with all my grandparents, and was lucky enough to know my great gran who lived to be 102. All have now passed. I'd be delighted to be able to call any of them again, and I still wouldn't force my kids to.

I said what I said: Forced compliance isn't a relationship. It's a hostage situation. "Do it or I'll punish you" isn't a relationship, it's brute force.

I'm sorry you're too stupid to understand basic consent as it applies to relationships. Please don't have any; you're a liability.

I'm sorry you're so damaged that you compare a 5 min call with a grandparent to rape. I said, what I said. You're a lunatic who should not be raising children.

I'm sorry you're so triggered by the word "consent" that you make these wackadoodle connections I never made...

But your willingness to lash out at me personally reveals that you're an unstable person who can't have a simple discussion without making personal attacks at strangers, so thank you for that information. I'll put your commentary in the bin where it belongs.

DP. I am triggered by use of the word rape when discussing a short FT call with grandma. I can’t take seriously anyone who would discuss rape culture in this context.

Following the thread, PP called it a hostage situation. You're the one who brought rape into it.

You're probably just triggered because you can relate to old gran in this story: without force, who's gonna want to talk to you?

+1 to both paragraphs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's easy to see why there are so many posts here about dysfunctional families, self-absorbed parents, and bratty kids.

It is insane that someone might think it is rape culture to have a child do something they don't want to do, esp when it is as easy as face timing with a grandparent. And it is depressing that so many people think that OP is controlling because he wants his wife's support in this. The selfishness we see here is a big problem with the world more generally. Truly the "me generation" attitude just compounding over time.

ALL OF THIS!!!! Yes!!! This generation is extremely self-centered, selfish and can't see beyond their own nose. It's going to come back and bite them in the ass since inevitably they will get old one day too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother is 81, lives alone and has 4 grandkids. Two from me and two from my brother. In addition to our DD, we have a DS. My mother likes weekly calls/face time with them. My son participates happily but my daughter is 'annoyed' by the calls and tries to skip them. I don't allow her to skip them, but my wife does. She'll go so far as to 'forget' to be home with my DD while running errands, schedule conflicting appointments, etc. She will happily 'defend' my DD's objections when I challenge her non participation. Basically, she is complicit and I am irrationally angry over this. Am I wrong?

Yes. Call grandma some other time, it doesn’t need to be on a schedule that blocks errands, etc. grandma isn’t so busy she can’t talk a different 5 minutes of the week.

OP here. Didn't see thin blowing up.

My mother's calls aren't blocking anything. It's the opposite. If she texts our family chat and says "Talk at 4 on Sunday?" my wife will 'accidentally' be at the store with my DD

Why don’t you just call when DD gets home? You are being really inflexible. It doesn’t sound like your mom’s schedule is full or anything.