I’m 34 and I have to ask permission for my SO to stay the night….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys are too old to be staying in a house that someone else pays for.

Get your own house with your sisters or get a hotel room.

???

It’s a giant house that accommodates 20+ people and it’s been a family tradition and we rotate each year who pays……

Have you paid for the whole giant house?

That’s why she went to the person who paid and asked. Next question…

Wrong. She said “we” rotate. If by “we” she means her parents and not her, then she’s still a child and has to do what the aunt says. End of story.

No, she’s not still a child. Not paying doesn’t mean you get to treat an adult as a child. You graciously pay or you ask others to chip in. Money doesn’t give you the right to be condescending.

This isn’t about her being a child. It’s about the payer of the rental house not wanting unmarried couples sleeping together under the roof they pay for. Either deal with that as their guest or don’t.

Op here -

The rule has always been not to sleep in the same bed if unmarried. That’s well understood and respected. I have no problem with that because I’ve known that was a rule in our family since I was a kid.

I never asked if he could stay in the bed. I was just asking the host/my aunt if he could stay a night because it’s the courteous thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys are too old to be staying in a house that someone else pays for.

Get your own house with your sisters or get a hotel room.

???

It’s a giant house that accommodates 20+ people and it’s been a family tradition and we rotate each year who pays……

Have you paid for the whole giant house?

That’s why she went to the person who paid and asked. Next question…

Wrong. She said “we” rotate. If by “we” she means her parents and not her, then she’s still a child and has to do what the aunt says. End of story.

No, she’s not still a child. Not paying doesn’t mean you get to treat an adult as a child. You graciously pay or you ask others to chip in. Money doesn’t give you the right to be condescending.

This isn’t about her being a child. It’s about the payer of the rental house not wanting unmarried couples sleeping together under the roof they pay for. Either deal with that as their guest or don’t.

Op here -

The rule has always been not to sleep in the same bed if unmarried. That’s well understood and respected. I have no problem with that because I’ve known that was a rule in our family since I was a kid.

I never asked if he could stay in the bed. I was just asking the host/my aunt if he could stay a night because it’s the courteous thing to do.

Where is he going to sleep?

Have they said you can’t bring him, but the 19 year olds can bring theirs?

Is your issue solely that like the 19 year olds did, you have to ask?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to stay in this house with such a creepy uncle?

Aunt and Uncle are paying. They have religious convictions about unmarried people sharing a bed or roof, unclear which. Aunt is asked a question that she is justifiably concerned might not go over well with husband. She says she has to check with him. How is uncle now creepy??

If you don’t like the rules - knowing in advance what their convictions are - then get a hotel room.

None of this is hard and none of it warrants name calling the uncle.

They don’t have religious convictions. They were unmarried for 20 years. That is not religious at all because they were “laying in sin”.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your issue is that your aunt didn’t check in with her husband but she wanted you to actually ask him yourself? Is that the problem? Ther’es just a lot going on in this post and I’mtrying to follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to stay in this house with such a creepy uncle?

Aunt and Uncle are paying. They have religious convictions about unmarried people sharing a bed or roof, unclear which. Aunt is asked a question that she is justifiably concerned might not go over well with husband. She says she has to check with him. How is uncle now creepy??

If you don’t like the rules - knowing in advance what their convictions are - then get a hotel room.

None of this is hard and none of it warrants name calling the uncle.

They don’t have religious convictions. They were unmarried for 20 years. That is not religious at all because they were “laying in sin”.

Are you OP?

You were the one who brought up the religion, not us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to stay in this house with such a creepy uncle?

Aunt and Uncle are paying. They have religious convictions about unmarried people sharing a bed or roof, unclear which. Aunt is asked a question that she is justifiably concerned might not go over well with husband. She says she has to check with him. How is uncle now creepy??

If you don’t like the rules - knowing in advance what their convictions are - then get a hotel room.

None of this is hard and none of it warrants name calling the uncle.

they are PAYING THIS YEAR, because it's their turn. So they aren't any more entitled to the house than anyone else who is in the rotation and pays when it's their turn. Why are some of you incapable of reading??????????????????

I’m capable of reading just fine. THIS YEAR they are paying. OP isn’t complaining about another year. The point stands.

It doesn't stand though. Either they all pay a little every year or they take turns rotating. They are all paying equally. I don't know why you'd think that the aunt is entitled to be in control of everyone who pays equality for the same house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to stay in this house with such a creepy uncle?

Aunt and Uncle are paying. They have religious convictions about unmarried people sharing a bed or roof, unclear which. Aunt is asked a question that she is justifiably concerned might not go over well with husband. She says she has to check with him. How is uncle now creepy??

If you don’t like the rules - knowing in advance what their convictions are - then get a hotel room.

None of this is hard and none of it warrants name calling the uncle.

They don’t have religious convictions. They were unmarried for 20 years. That is not religious at all because they were “laying in sin”.

People change their tune over time. It’s not really relevant what they did in the past if this is their religious conviction now. And you said that they don’t allow unmarried people in the same bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to stay in this house with such a creepy uncle?

Aunt and Uncle are paying. They have religious convictions about unmarried people sharing a bed or roof, unclear which. Aunt is asked a question that she is justifiably concerned might not go over well with husband. She says she has to check with him. How is uncle now creepy??

If you don’t like the rules - knowing in advance what their convictions are - then get a hotel room.

None of this is hard and none of it warrants name calling the uncle.

they are PAYING THIS YEAR, because it's their turn. So they aren't any more entitled to the house than anyone else who is in the rotation and pays when it's their turn. Why are some of you incapable of reading??????????????????

I’m capable of reading just fine. THIS YEAR they are paying. OP isn’t complaining about another year. The point stands.

It doesn't stand though. Either they all pay a little every year or they take turns rotating. They are all paying equally. I don't know why you'd think that the aunt is entitled to be in control of everyone who pays equality for the same house.

They aren’t paying equally this year. If it’s the year you are paying, you get to decide. OP isn’t paying a dime this year.

[Anonymous]

I would imagine there should be a rule about asking if significant others can say when you have finite number of bed/bedrooms and a large family coming together. If everyone brought guests unexpectedly, that could lead to chaos. So asking seems reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to stay in this house with such a creepy uncle?

Aunt and Uncle are paying. They have religious convictions about unmarried people sharing a bed or roof, unclear which. Aunt is asked a question that she is justifiably concerned might not go over well with husband. She says she has to check with him. How is uncle now creepy??

If you don’t like the rules - knowing in advance what their convictions are - then get a hotel room.

None of this is hard and none of it warrants name calling the uncle.

they are PAYING THIS YEAR, because it's their turn. So they aren't any more entitled to the house than anyone else who is in the rotation and pays when it's their turn. Why are some of you incapable of reading??????????????????

I’m capable of reading just fine. THIS YEAR they are paying. OP isn’t complaining about another year. The point stands.

It doesn't stand though. Either they all pay a little every year or they take turns rotating. They are all paying equally. I don't know why you'd think that the aunt is entitled to be in control of everyone who pays equality for the same house.

They aren’t paying equally this year. If it’s the year you are paying, you get to decide. OP isn’t paying a dime this year.

Are you really this dumb!!!????

If she is in the rotation to pay for the entire house one year, she is paying this year too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another perspective is that you voluntarily decided to ask your aunt’s permission rather than just let her know who would be attending. One possibility is that she and her husband have a very different view honest type of thing. It’s possible that her husband would think this is nice because it is an opportunity for him to connect with your significant other and welcome him to the broader family unit. And they may have thought you open the door, offering this by your question to your aunt. all to say, they may see it as a chance to connect with your boyfriend, whom they are already close with, I understand, rather than to impose any patriarchy. It is possible also that, with the loss of your mom, your aunt is trying to navigate if and when to serve in their role as welcome to the broader family. I only know what you’ve written, and don’t know your aunt her husband, but if they are otherwise people you would want to spend the holiday with, I wouldn’t let what might be a mixup get in the way. You could also have a conversation with them, clarifying that you aren’t comfortable asking permission but care about them really would appreciate them welcoming your boyfriend into the fold so to speak.

If you decide to take a stand on this by distancing yourself, that is, of course your prerogative. It would just be sad for that kind of rift to happen if there was some kind of communication combined with generational misunderstanding if everyone was thinking they were doing something nice.

NP
I was thinking along a similar vein, that OP misconstrued her aunts intentions. I don't think this is some religious issue, that is op's assumption, maybe due to some insecurities and cultural hang ups.

Older people like chatting and conversation. Aunt may just want someone to reach out to uncle and tell him the news that op's SO is coming along too so they can talk about it, let op know how welcome he is. Uncle has the connection to the boyfriends family so it would be good to involve him in the news. Not to pass a test and give permission, that might be op's somewhat immature mindset. I can see how it is frustrating for her when she just wants a quick yes of course with no chatting. I really think it's not the patriarchal or permission desires at work here, it's a "talk to us, we're family too" desire.
That's not to say aunt is correct here, she was obviously frustrating. You wanted a simple answer. I do think she is oblivious to how you interpreted her intentions though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to stay in this house with such a creepy uncle?

Aunt and Uncle are paying. They have religious convictions about unmarried people sharing a bed or roof, unclear which. Aunt is asked a question that she is justifiably concerned might not go over well with husband. She says she has to check with him. How is uncle now creepy??

If you don’t like the rules - knowing in advance what their convictions are - then get a hotel room.

None of this is hard and none of it warrants name calling the uncle.

they are PAYING THIS YEAR, because it's their turn. So they aren't any more entitled to the house than anyone else who is in the rotation and pays when it's their turn. Why are some of you incapable of reading??????????????????

I’m capable of reading just fine. THIS YEAR they are paying. OP isn’t complaining about another year. The point stands.

You are laughably dense Auntie
Just because they / you are paying this year doesn't mean they/ you are entitled to set rules that impacts the collective group.

[Anonymous]

If you cut your visit short or refuse to even talk to your uncle beforehand, you'll come across as immature, pouty or ill mannered. Op, I don't think you can do right here. Just rent nearby graciously and try not to think the worst of aunt and uncle. You see a power play where there is none.

[Anonymous]

I just posted but now am thinking maybe uncle wants to have a chat about "you two getting married" because they themselves took so long and might be hypocrites. Maybe it's been on his mind and aunt think this is the perfect time to bring up. There could really be a million things from aunt being indecisive to a fault or op's dad doesn't like the boyfriend. Everyone is jumping to one assumption when there are so many possible explanations some better, some worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just posted but now am thinking maybe uncle wants to have a chat about "you two getting married" because they themselves took so long and might be hypocrites. Maybe it's been on his mind and aunt think this is the perfect time to bring up. There could really be a million things from aunt being indecisive to a fault or op's dad doesn't like the boyfriend. Everyone is jumping to one assumption when there are so many possible explanations some better, some worse.

It doesn't matter what his/aunt's reason is. It is ridiculous.