Oooops…MIL accidentally left me a voicemail

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you are not that good of a cook or a host?

Then why would OP and her husband be asked not only to host holidays, but rehearsal dinners and baby showers, etc.?

Why presume then that the MIL and SIL are unhappy with this arrangement and are snarking behind her back? Doesn’t really add up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how what’s going on, or how to address it. MIL called me to discuss an upcoming visit, and we also talked about Thanksgiving. DH and I almost always host holidays for his side of the family, but we also occasionally celebrate at MIL/FIL’s house, or with SIL and her husband and family. So there’s something of a rotation, but we end up at my house a lot because there’s more room for overnight guests.

MIL and I get along well, and we had a nice chat. Twenty minutes later, I had a voicemail that MIL clearly meant to leave for her daughter, my SIL, talking about the visit and ending with “Larla is going to host Thanksgiving—I guess she thinks she can pull it off,” then a snarky laugh. I truly don’t understand—DH and I are good cooks, we take care of so many things, we host multiple houseguests for multiple days, and we’ve all been celebrating as a family for 15 years. MIL and SIL both have asked me to host “extra” things like wedding showers and baby showers and even a rehearsal dinner, so my cooking and hosting clearly can’t be that bad.

I sent MIL a text that had the VM in it and said, “Just so you know, you left this for me instead of Carole.” And MIL simply responded with an embarrassed-face emoji.

Where do we go from here? I do want a bit of acknowledgment and explanation. I’m not going to go through the effort of hosting yet again if it is not appreciated. Or if there is something “wrong” they want DH and I to fix, just let us know. I’m truly mystified as I get along with both SIL and MIL, and DH and I host a lot, and SIL and MIL have asked me to host extra things over the years.

I wouldn't want this person in my house or in my life. Do you think that she was drinking ?

My suggestion is to celebrate the holiday elsewhere & let MIL explain your family's absence to the others.

If you host, consider serving the MIL an open bottle of Vodka with a straw.

When you serve the open bottle of vodka with a straw, proudly declare that you just want to make MIL feel at home.

Also, casually state to MIL that it is never wise to insult the cook.

Totally, this is great advice and the person you want to be.

Is this a reference? I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

Sorry but I totally disagree with PP.

I’m not trying to plant ideas in your head, but there’s no way this is the first time that she’s that she’s spoken badly about you. Maybe she has an inferiority complex. Maybe her daughter has an inferiority complex. Maybe she just doesn’t like you.

But I promise your relationship isn’t as good as you think it is.

I also think that it’s clear that you know how to host, and many people are intimidated by others who are good at hosting. It’s very bizarre to me. I am a good host too. It takes work, but I like making good memories in my house.

I don’t think you should just let this go. I think your husband needs to dig down and figure out the extent of the negative feelings. And I think it’s totally justifiable if you wanna have a follow up conversation with her. If it makes her feel uncomfortable, too bad.

She doesn’t get all the hosting on you have you knocked out out of the park and then complain about you. She sounds like a shitty person honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not leave MIL a voicemail asking if she has a preferred recipe for crow ?

🙄

So cringe and corny. Please don’t do this OP.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

You assume she needs to make it right without knowing what was meant. Maybe approach this without a chip on the shoulder and an open heart. Will probably be a lot more successful that way.

What are you talking about? MIL knows exactly what she did by sending the embarrassed emoji. Why would anyone want to spend time with this type of 'family' Everything is good to your face and behind your back they are tearing you down. That isn't a 'chip on your shoulder' It is basic human decency to apologize when you say a mean comment to your family members. If they can't do that than no I do not want to spend time with a fake person.

Maybe read the OP and stop projecting your own issues. Per OP she has a good relationship and has been hosting dinners for years. And now people like you are suggesting to blow it all up and never see them again? Over an emoji and what could be a simple misunderstanding? How does that make sense? This isn’t you and your MIL we’re talking about.

Maybe you should read what I wrote too. I am not projecting as this scenario. It has nothing to do with me. If you go back you will see that op and her dh need to give his mom the opportunity to apologize for her actions. If she apologizes and I felt like hosting I would host. I would accept a sincere apology but, to be honest I wouldn't trust her again because she shared her true feelings.

But, if she did not apologize I wouldn't be a door mat anymore. I hate people who treat as if everything is great to your face but, their real feelings are different. Why would you want to be around those types of people just because they are family? No way!

Are you actually saying you have never in your life vented about anyone? You have never had a negative thought or feeling about anyone in your life? Every thought you have ever had about everyone in your family and close friend circle has always been 100% positive about everything they have ever done? I don't believe you. You are human too and not as perfect as you think you are. saying you wouldn't want to be around an imperfect person is ridiculous. Everyone has said / texted things that aren't 100% positive about people they love and care about. Get off your pedestal. You aren't perfect.

Where oh where did I say I was perfect? NO WHERE. If I was MIL I would have apologized once I my DIL reached out to me. If I had a good relationship I would have called her and told her how sorry I was for being mean. I would let her know that I hope we could get over my mistake.

In general, I do not gossip that way. It isn't that I am better it is just I am not wired that way. I am secure in myself that I don't need to tear anyone down. And in fact, when my mom tried to do that with my SIL I told her to stop.

If MIL can not apologize than we would have a problem

Given your sanctimonious attitude, I would guess most people in your life vent about you behind your back.

You should really write a novel. Fiction is your specialty, right? I don't know how many times I have to say this but, here it goes: If I was the one who gossiped and my dil told me I would have talked to her and apologized to her profusely! How does that make me sanctimonious? I do not like people who say everything is wonderful to my face and behind my back their true feelings.

If people talk about me and I don't know it is none of my business. But, once I do know I have to question why do you even want to hang together?

Op, let us know what you decide what to do. I like that your dh is sticking up for you!

[Anonymous]

Now you know that your MIL and SIL engage in a back and forth exchange of gossip about you, and that MIL was sloppy enough to let you find out about it. Everybody gossips like this, but it takes it to a different level when the ball is dropped and the subject finds out about it. Now you know; in a way, you should be happy you found out, because now you can base your future decision making on this knowledge.

I guess I’d have to see what MIL says before I decide how I’d proceed with this year’s holidays. It’s still really early and unlikely you’ll be leaving anyone in the lurch this early in the year. If it were me (and my husband, who would feel exactly the same as yours) we would probably sit out hosting this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you are not that good of a cook or a host?

MIL and SIL are free to decline the invitation.

There wasn't an invitation. According to OP, MIL and SIL insisted that OP has to host and that they don't want to host as only OP has the house that can handle hosting for the family. So OP was voluntold to host.

That makes the venting even worse.

[Anonymous]

I would assume she's a snake in the grass.

I once had a "friend" who was nice to my face and I had no clue until she accidentally CC'd me on a nasty email on me that she was a snake. She apologized profusely but I never trusted her again.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH called MIL and asked her what the voicemail was all about. She at first said it was nothing, just a joke, but DH said it sounded rude and mean from her tone, and he had listened to it himself. She then backtracked a bit and said she was put off that we’d be hosting again even though she understands we were asked to because there are so many people involved. She asked to talked to me and apologized. I said thank you but I don’t want to host especially since it seems like they don’t really want me to, and DH agreed. She said she understands and she and SIL will figure it out and she truly is sorry. I said I forgive her and I will be happy to help with wherever it ends up being this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see myself doing this.

Sending a message to my sister saying "Matt (husband) says he is going to do the deck himself. Hope he can pull it off"

I can't imagine my husband would threaten divorce though if I accidentally sent it to him, he would probably be a bit confused and we would just talk about it. I don't get the people saying to cut her off and break family ties over this.

There are two camps:

The don't talk about it camp and let it go

The camp that says talk to the mil and find out what she meant and see if she is willing to make amends.

Then if she makes amends op can decide to
1. host Thanksgiving as usual
2. Tell everyone for THIS THANKSGIVING you are taking a break from hosting and can go to SIL's house OR decide to bow out completely to do something different.

If she does NOT make amends op can
1. decide to host
2. decide not to host
3. be wary going forward with dh's side of the family

[Anonymous]

I’d bring it up with her to clear the air. Ask her if there’s something you can improve on or some issue with you being the one to host. Let her know that your feelings were hurt and you were also puzzled, and let her know that you thought the two of you had a good relationship and you’d like to preserve that. If she tries to blow it off, reiterate that you want to work through whatever it is so you can understand and let it go. If she still doesn’t want to have an honest conversation, then you have to let it go but know that occasionally she may snark about you to her daughter.

Maybe it was displaced guilt that she’s not hosting, or soothing her daughter’s ego, or whatever. I think at some point you’ll have to decide to let it go and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH called MIL and asked her what the voicemail was all about. She at first said it was nothing, just a joke, but DH said it sounded rude and mean from her tone, and he had listened to it himself. She then backtracked a bit and said she was put off that we’d be hosting again even though she understands we were asked to because there are so many people involved. She asked to talked to me and apologized. I said thank you but I don’t want to host especially since it seems like they don’t really want me to, and DH agreed. She said she understands and she and SIL will figure it out and she truly is sorry. I said I forgive her and I will be happy to help with wherever it ends up being this year.

The good news is that you are now officially off the hook hosting DH family indefinitely! That’s something to celebrate! Hooray! Think of what you’ll do with all the time and energy you’re going to save!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH called MIL and asked her what the voicemail was all about. She at first said it was nothing, just a joke, but DH said it sounded rude and mean from her tone, and he had listened to it himself. She then backtracked a bit and said she was put off that we’d be hosting again even though she understands we were asked to because there are so many people involved. She asked to talked to me and apologized. I said thank you but I don’t want to host especially since it seems like they don’t really want me to, and DH agreed. She said she understands and she and SIL will figure it out and she truly is sorry. I said I forgive her and I will be happy to help with wherever it ends up being this year.

Hi, op

First I am sorry that this has blown up in your face. But, you and your dh acted like a team which is fantastic. I think it is good that you decided not to host. Personally, I wouldn't go to SIL's house either. I would tell them that you plan to go travel and then find somewhere fun! I would not volunteer for hosting that side of the family anymore because they weren't honest with their feelings. If they had said 'we really want to host' I am sure you would have let them! You have a good dh!

Thanks for the update!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH called MIL and asked her what the voicemail was all about. She at first said it was nothing, just a joke, but DH said it sounded rude and mean from her tone, and he had listened to it himself. She then backtracked a bit and said she was put off that we’d be hosting again even though she understands we were asked to because there are so many people involved. She asked to talked to me and apologized. I said thank you but I don’t want to host especially since it seems like they don’t really want me to, and DH agreed. She said she understands and she and SIL will figure it out and she truly is sorry. I said I forgive her and I will be happy to help with wherever it ends up being this year.

Hi, op

First I am sorry that this has blown up in your face. But, you and your dh acted like a team which is fantastic. I think it is good that you decided not to host. Personally, I wouldn't go to SIL's house either. I would tell them that you plan to go travel and then find somewhere fun! I would not volunteer for hosting that side of the family anymore because they weren't honest with their feelings. If they had said 'we really want to host' I am sure you would have let them! You have a good dh!

Thanks for the update!

I agree. I wouldn’t go this year, either. Maybe it’s a year for new traditions for your nuclear family, or a year of new adventures!

[Anonymous]

Yeah, start a new tradition for YOUR household.