Reply to How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

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[quote=Anonymous]You know how certain churches make you go through couples counseling before they'll marry you to discuss stuff like finances and division of labor and make sure values align on parenting and stuff? First this is a great idea and more people should do it as a matter of course.

But second there should be an additional step. We should have some kind of virtual experience where you go live in a special hotel or rental for a month and approximate the demands of living an everyday life with two kids and whatever division of labor you two think you will want (dual income or SAHP or whatever). And then you live it for two weeks and see how it goes. The schedule and the extra demands and the mess of kids. If you are going for egalitarian "we split it all down the middle" -- does it actually work that way when you are assigned tasks like making lunches and cleaning the breakfast dishes and dressing a baby and toddler and then getting them to daycare. Like do you actually split those tasks pretty equitably or is one person doing both of it even though in theory you have the same work responsibilities. Likewise does a SAHP & breadwinner set up mean the same to both of you -- is it spheres of responsibility but you both come together and are present parents and contributing at the end of the day and on the weekend OR is it more like the SAHP is expected to do ALL childcare and housework and the breadwinner puts their feet up.

It's just really really hard to know for sure what this will look like before you are in it. I am someone who way overestimated how much childcare my DH would do based on him being generally pretty comfortable around kids and saying all the right stuff about sharing the load. But the reality was that he would hide in the bathroom to avoid changing diapers and he can be incredibly impatient through the toddler and preschool years where kids just need a ton of attention and help with learning how to do stuff. And very disappointingly he did not step up with chores or household stuff as I took on more and more of the parenting that he just kind of opted out of -- it's always been about 60-40 in those areas and it stayed that way even as I took on way more childcare and parenting responsibilities and we both worked. But I don't know how I could possibly have known it would go this way when we were dating or even living together or the two years post-marriage and before kids. He isn't a misogynist. He does know how to clean and cook and he does do these things. He's a "good guy" and generally respectful to me. And yet after we had kids our division of labor at home went from 60-40 to like 80-20. And to him because he's doing the same amount of stuff he was doing pre-kids he thinks that should be enough and he just doesn't seem to understand there is SO much more to do with kids.

I really don't know how you fix this. So many women in this boat and the guys are not abusive jerks or anything but also women are doing so much more at home even when working similar jobs.[/quote]

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