Reply to How to get through to DH that doing 80% doesn't count?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How did so many of you marry someone with ADHD? Did you really not notice any signs when you were dating? After living with a ADHD roommate in college, I could spot the signs 100 miles away and avoided these people like the plague. [/quote]

We didn't. Some men magically discover they have ADHD only after they have kids and actual responsiblities outside of work. I still honestly can't decide if it's really ADHD (that somehow did not impact his ability to excel in school or make and maintain many good friendship or attend an Ivy with no special needs supports at all or spend 15 years working and functioning prior to having kids) or if he just leans into "this is just how my brain works" to get out of doing stuff as a dad because like a lot of men he has an allergy to taking care of another person.

Like if you have ADHD wouldn't you have a history of neglecting your own care or things that impacted you in the past. Wouldn't there have been some red flag that you could look back on and say "oh that's why I struggled so much with XYZ as a child or young adult." But with my DH and it seems like many others they *thrived* before kids and had no trouble paying bills and keeping themselves fed and clothed and maintaining social lives and excelling at work. But suddenly when they are 35 or 40 and they are married with kids simple things like grocery shopping or laundry or taking a kid to the doctor are just too hard for them and they get overwhelmed and forget stuff constantly and don't finish things and don't notice things. And then it's "well I have ADHD. This is just how I'm wired."

Is it or is the whole thing a ruse to get out of stepping up. I truly don't know at this point. I give up.[/quote]

This is where the paternal grandmother step in, and tells you he never brushed his teeth without a reminder, he never picked up after himself and she gave up, he never kept track homework- oh well, he never apologized or talked about issues.

But she won’t. She still amazed he managed to get married. She knows his idiot side too well. But simultaneously hopes and maybe even believes, he finally got his act together once married.

lol. Sure. [/quote]

But I know my DH wasn't like that as a kid. He was valedictorian of his high school class. And while I don't think his mom made him cook or clean at all growing up I know he brushed his teeth. He taught himself to cook in his 20s and is actually really good at it. He was not low-functioning as a kid or young adult at all -- he was high functioning and highly successful even once he moved out of the house and was on his own.

Yet as a father the idea that he would remember to make his kids' lunches AND turn in the permission slip is like asking him to do rocket science. Actually worse because incredibly smart and probably could have studied rocket science and done well. But remembering the kindergarten teacher's name and that we are supposed to send in classroom snacks the third week of February as it says on the calendar post on the refrigerator is too much.[/quote]
He'd have to do it if he were alone. Why do you stay? Honestly?[/quote]

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