I agreee it’s good to live apart whether married or not with these profiles. But they are too naive and self centered to tell the above ahead of time. They’ll play the victim, check out even more, lie and fall for a side price affair, then divorce and you’ll have the coparenting nightmare. They only think about themselves. So just shut up, hire a $hit-ton of help, manage it all yourself, and plan a parallel or separate life from them forever. |
I think you really need to look at yourself and investigate what caused you to either miss the signs, or agree to it. You didn't "end up" married. Stop being passive. You said "I do". You signed the marriage license. You probably planned the whole wedding FFS. You made this choice. Why and how? |
Result with a delinquent husband: Late children Pizza Screen time Sickly unprepared children Homework waits for Mommy Missed sign-ups Unknown teachers and friend names Lost coats, water bottles, gear, bags Red and pink colored laundry Piles of stuff everywhere in the house |
Didn’t know what high functioning autism was or masked adhd. Now I do and so do my kids. Avoid like the plague. |
1. Your husband was also working, maybe not to “writing a document” level of exertion (lol btw) but working nonetheless 2. You didn’t do any chores to any level of completion, but you are incessantly whining about a chore that was done, objectively, good enough. (Were the clothed clean when you needed them? You already admitted this, and your husband, not you, is the reason you had clean clothes to wear on Monday.) |
Ugh. I’d go batty. |
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Yup. I mean my kid is 10 so I am still trying but I look the other way when he stuffs things in a drawer. Off the floor is the basic minimum while he lives in my house. He helps fold if he’s around and always takes his stuff from the laundry area to his room. He doesn’t get screen time if he leaves it on the floor. Past that I do my best to ignore. Last week he left a sweatshirt on the floor and the cat barfed on it so hopefully enough episodes like that will be a learn by experience tool, and if not, then I guess his future spouse will revive this thread! |
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We didn't. Some men magically discover they have ADHD only after they have kids and actual responsiblities outside of work. I still honestly can't decide if it's really ADHD (that somehow did not impact his ability to excel in school or make and maintain many good friendship or attend an Ivy with no special needs supports at all or spend 15 years working and functioning prior to having kids) or if he just leans into "this is just how my brain works" to get out of doing stuff as a dad because like a lot of men he has an allergy to taking care of another person. Like if you have ADHD wouldn't you have a history of neglecting your own care or things that impacted you in the past. Wouldn't there have been some red flag that you could look back on and say "oh that's why I struggled so much with XYZ as a child or young adult." But with my DH and it seems like many others they *thrived* before kids and had no trouble paying bills and keeping themselves fed and clothed and maintaining social lives and excelling at work. But suddenly when they are 35 or 40 and they are married with kids simple things like grocery shopping or laundry or taking a kid to the doctor are just too hard for them and they get overwhelmed and forget stuff constantly and don't finish things and don't notice things. And then it's "well I have ADHD. This is just how I'm wired." Is it or is the whole thing a ruse to get out of stepping up. I truly don't know at this point. I give up. |
Your definition of "passive" seems to be "accept that the bad choice you made is irrevocable, and your discontent is entirely your fault." There are a lot of ways to address the common problem of men not doing their share, especially once the couple becomes parents, and women are left to decide whether to keep holding everything together or let their kids take the hit. If Maria von Trapp was surprised that her new husband was not a warm, hands-on parent, that was indeed her fault. That a guy can't remember to give a kid a snack when they wake up from a nap? That someone who used to rent an apartment lets everything slide as a homeowner? That's on him, not his wife. Read "All the Rage" or watch https://www.sheisapaigeturner.com/ I don't love the way Paige Turner talks about men "helping," but I think it's noteworthy that even a good guy like her husband who wants to be an equal partner still needs to be reminded of how the material world operates. |
+1. Me too. At some point, you need to learn to be functional. Get better meds. And stop dumping your failures/incompletions on others. |
Ught. Thats brutal. The day he has kids in the am, you need to leave the house even if you WFH. Go to the gym, start work somewhere else and come back at 10. Itll take a couple weeks but it should help. |
Look we found the DH who wants extra credit for doing 30% of the laundry. |
Amen |