It’s shocking how many parents tell us (DINKS) we “did it right”

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06/09/2024 09:46

Subject: It’s shocking how many parents tell us (DINKS) we “did it right”

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Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of denial in this thread about the true state of things out there in parenthood land.

There are many anonymous forums where people complain bitterly about their lives as parents, there is a growing body of sociological research on the issue of regretting parenting, there is an undeniable declining birth rate, there is abundant evidence that more and more people are comfortable admitting that they don't want that choice and it is more and more acceptable to admit that.

A person can love their child tremendously and still hold the position that parenthood was a mistaken choice for them. A person who tells their child they are a mistake is profoundly flawed, possibly psychopathic. It shouldn't be difficult for a person of average intelligence to grasp this distinction.

I have no doubt that some of the people who have posted comments excoriating OP here are people who have had very dark moments of deep regret over their choice of parenthood. Like anything else in life, it is very often those who protest most who are most conflicted.

+1

The kids are in the house for about 20 years. There's plenty of time to live that childfree life before and after the kids. It's the best of both worlds.

While I agree it’s a short time but still an Ironman to raise kids.

I’m 55 empty nesting have a ton of time and money.

Still about 10% of people regret having kids.

It’s hard without money and if you don’t have the desire.

Thank god birth control and abortions are still legal. 🤞

Let's say 10% DO regret it. Now tell us what % of DINKS regret their choice?

I think it's far more risky for the woman. The man can up and decide at 45 he does want a family and find someone 15 years younger to have one with. A 45 yr old woman has to live with her regrets.

I don’t think DINKS by choice regret it.

I do think people with infertility have a deep seated feeling of loss.

You don't "think" DINKS ever regret it? But you have zero data. Your opinion is irrelevant. Did you pull the 10% out of your butt too?

I looked for the data and could not find any research showing DINKS regret it. There was one that said they gave a passing wonder of what life would be like.

Do YOU have data.

The 10% regrets having kids was from research.

There are multiple studies dies some say 5% to as high as 14%.

In a recent Gallup survey 6% of adults said they did not have kids and "would have liked to." This is compared to 8% who said they did not want children. There was another 15% who didn't have children but still planned on having them (the rest already have kids and were not asked if they regretted that choice -- we can assume some percent do regret it but also that some percent do not).

It's really hard to separate out the people who didn't have kids by choice versus those who tried to have kids and were unable to.

Also choosing not to have kids is a choice you have to keep making. I have a friend who is in her late 40s and doesn't have kids. She also never married. I think if she'd married she probably would have had kids. But on the other hand she could have had a kid without a spouse and considered that but chose not to. So it's kind of by choice and kind of not. She's not a DINK (no dual income) but I think her story is fairly common and that there are DINKs with similar stories. You consider having kids and choose not to but then you might reassess a year or two later. If you keep deciding not to have them eventually it will be too late and you will say "I guess we are not having kids." Some people will say they decided in advance not to have them but unless they literally went and got some kind of permanent birth control that decision wasn't final until years later when it is too late for them to have kids and they don't have them.

That's very hard to measure.

But of course some percent of people who don't have kids wish they had them. And in this day and age I would expect only a small number of these to be people who wanted them and could conceive because there are so many fertility treatments and also adoption is an option -- I know many people who had infertility issues and ever single one of them had kids eventually one way or another. So that leaves people who didn't have kids due to circumstance (never found a partner or could not afford it or similar) or who affirmatively chose not to have them. But it's hard to tease out the difference between those two categories. In any case the data shows some percent do regret it.

Regarding the ongoing decision to not have kids here is a piece of anecdata: the novelist Laura Lippmann became a mom at 51 (via adoption I believe -- either that or surrogacy as she did not have a pregnancy). Her husband (David Simon) already had a kid from a prior marriage. She seems very happy to be a mom and I also would assume that there were times when she though she'd chosen to not have kids (she was a reporter in Baltimore for many years and that's a low-paying and demanding job where I decent number of people decide to focus on work and not become parents).

So yes being childless by choice is a choice you have to make over and over and over again. There are many ways to become a parent including unconventional but not even super uncommon ways. I think the drive to devote your life to caring for another human being is very strong whether you have kids or not. I have friends without kids who have spent a decade or more caring for ailing parents. They are not jetting off to Europe on a moments notice. And while they will of course talk about the strain and difficult that care work puts on them they do not wish their parents would die. In fact they work hard to avoid that happening.

I was listening to an interview with the advice columnist Amy Dickinson yesterday and she was asked how to be happy (she is retiring from her column to go write books and run a free lending library in her hometown). She has several wise words but one thing she said was "find someone or something to take care of." I think this is so true. For many people this is kids but for others it could be parents or other family members or their community or a garden or a business or non profit or something. The point is that the key to happiness is NOT the ability to travel. That's nice but will not sustain you over the course of your life. You need to do something that matters. Having kids is kind of a shortcut to that. There are also other ways. But smugly looking down on people with kids because you are taking a trip to Europe is not the big win OP seems to think it is.