Do you ever think of how much STUFF you are leaving for your family to deal with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and older relatives have some sick joke that if we’re inheriting all their money we have to deal with cleaning and selling.

It is what it is. I think by 85, people should have their homes parsed down and cleared out. Like spare room closets empty, attic empty, basement empty

Really they should just move into their graves - sleep in a coffin, only wear the thing they want to be buried in.

You're right. Wishing my parents didn't have a garage full of broken car parts is the same as wishing they were dead. You're very smart and not at all a tedious POS.

So help them get rid of that stuff now, or figure out who you're going to have to call when the time comes. What do you want them to do? You think your parents are suddenly going to become completely different people, becuase you're planning for their death?

The entitlement on this thread is astonishing.

What the actual F does the above complaint have to do with "entitlement"???? People throw that label on anything they don't like to read on here.

The people who complain about having to clean out the houses are presumably the ones who are inheriting those houses (otherwise, why bother?)

So, yeah, if someone is giving you a few hundred grands, either put in some elbow grease or share some of that bounty with people who don’t mind rolling up their sleeves. Expecting to get a free house just the way you like it the definition of entitlement.

You are welcome.

I have cleared out two houses for parents who suffered medical bankruptcy. I inherited nothing. I did not get a free house - the banks got them. I guess I could have just walked away and left both places full of their stuff, but part of the problem with hoarders is the few things I actually thought were worth keeping were secreted away amongst giant piles of junk. Also I had to go through a vast amount of correspondence to make sure I had everything relevant to their incredibly chaotic financial situations. Lastly, I felt an obligation to "do it right" - throw away what should be thrown away and donate what should be donated.

So eff you to your "you are entitled, you are welcome" bs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting to think about self-storage places and what might be in those units. I understand the use for them when you have a temporary relocation and other reasons but I know people who just off-loaded a bunch of their excess stuff into one. Did anyone's parents have one or more of these?

Oh yes. When my mom passed away I discovered she had THREE storage units that contained absolutely NOTHING of value. It was stuff she’d brought along when she moved cross country 20+ years before but didn’t want to put it in her new house or throw it away. Think, IKEA type pressed wood furniture, boxes full of paper utility bills, etc. now all dusty and cobwebby.

I'm deriving a lot of comfort from this thread understanding that I'm not alone in this predicament. There are many of us with older boomer and/or young silent parents with not just one but two or more homes loaded with stuff. Having cleaned out my grandfather's apartment I know it can be emotionally and physically draining and that was a small space! All of this stuff has been a source of conflict with my mom, because she is an older boomer/young silent with a buying problem which is her way of self-medicating, while I'm a minimalist GenXer who has lived in modest urban apartments pretty much all of my adult life. My husband and I have also had financial issues since the pandemic, so to see how much money my mother continues to waste on clothes, etc. can be aggravating. I anticipate having to do a significant amount of cleaning out of her properties when she can no longer live in them/passes away, and most of it I expect to take to Goodwill. At least one of these properties I plan on using as my country/retirement home, so there's something to be gained, but as a minimalist GenXer I find all the mindless consumerism gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not mean that the stuff is sadder than her death. That came out wrong. I just meant it is honestly heartbreaking to see them, grief-stricken, also dealing with tons of work, confusion, guilt, and endless labor. They know she didn’t want it all to go to Goodwill or what have you, but they (and the larger family) only want a few things, not everything. There’s just so much.

The weight of the stuff is very, very heavy.

Your cousins should have helped their mother do this when she was alive. Elderly people have a VERY difficult time knowing where to begin. It’s overwhelming, and even emotional. At the end of the day, even after giving away things, you’re still going to have a lot left - furniture, clothes, cookware, cleaning supplies, luggage, decorations, linens, rugs, lamps, books, art, decor, fans, gardening supplies, container plants and patio furniture, make up and toiletries, medicines, and all the other garbage that’s found in a home, even a pared down home.

They…did. I don’t know what you expect, though, they couldn’t steal her file cabinets or force her to get rid of an extraneous armchair. They helped, offered, tried to discuss, but they didn’t force. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and older relatives have some sick joke that if we’re inheriting all their money we have to deal with cleaning and selling.

It is what it is. I think by 85, people should have their homes parsed down and cleared out. Like spare room closets empty, attic empty, basement empty

Really they should just move into their graves - sleep in a coffin, only wear the thing they want to be buried in.

You're right. Wishing my parents didn't have a garage full of broken car parts is the same as wishing they were dead. You're very smart and not at all a tedious POS.

So help them get rid of that stuff now, or figure out who you're going to have to call when the time comes. What do you want them to do? You think your parents are suddenly going to become completely different people, becuase you're planning for their death?

The entitlement on this thread is astonishing.

What the actual F does the above complaint have to do with "entitlement"???? People throw that label on anything they don't like to read on here.

The people who complain about having to clean out the houses are presumably the ones who are inheriting those houses (otherwise, why bother?)

So, yeah, if someone is giving you a few hundred grands, either put in some elbow grease or share some of that bounty with people who don’t mind rolling up their sleeves. Expecting to get a free house just the way you like it the definition of entitlement.

You are welcome.

Do you think everyone is getting "a few hundred grand"? You need to get out more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of Mom's Haitian American caregivers hauled off eight SUV's full of stuff. It really helped us out.

We cleaned out Mom's home in 3 weeks. It was 4700 square feet. I cleaned out a lot in the 6 years prior.

Have work lists. Review them every day at 4:00 pm for the upcoming days.

4700 sqf? Were you one of 14 children?

[Anonymous]

Dealing with this now; my ILs have a 4 BR colonial with an unfinished basement and 2 car garage packed with stuff. They’ve lived in the same house for almost 40 years and ever since I’ve known them, they’ve joked that “this is is the season/year” that they’re going to clear out the basement and garage. They also have 4 cars and a vacation condo we just visited that is also filled with too much of everything.

MIL just received an Alzheimer’s diagnosis and now I’m certain they will never address organizing or even attempt to downsize. All will fall to DH. Some discussion now of selling the condo but oh my gosh - so much work to do to clean this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did not mean that the stuff is sadder than her death. That came out wrong. I just meant it is honestly heartbreaking to see them, grief-stricken, also dealing with tons of work, confusion, guilt, and endless labor. They know she didn’t want it all to go to Goodwill or what have you, but they (and the larger family) only want a few things, not everything. There’s just so much.

The weight of the stuff is very, very heavy.

Your cousins should have helped their mother do this when she was alive. Elderly people have a VERY difficult time knowing where to begin. It’s overwhelming, and even emotional. At the end of the day, even after giving away things, you’re still going to have a lot left - furniture, clothes, cookware, cleaning supplies, luggage, decorations, linens, rugs, lamps, books, art, decor, fans, gardening supplies, container plants and patio furniture, make up and toiletries, medicines, and all the other garbage that’s found in a home, even a pared down home.

That would assume the elderly people would ALLOW someone to help them. My current elderly person did NOT allow anyone to help, except for one time when they insisted *I* carry everything out to the garbage instead of hiring a team of strong people to do it. They could afford to hire the helpers with big muscles, but they didn't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

That would assume the elderly people would ALLOW someone to help them. My current elderly person did NOT allow anyone to help, except for one time when they insisted *I* carry everything out to the garbage instead of hiring a team of strong people to do it. They could afford to hire the helpers with big muscles, but they didn't want to.

This. People who have too much stuff don't allow anyone to touch it. It's a control thing. So they'll be insisting on no-one touching their stuff until the bitter end. People who don't have these issues obviously downsize themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Some do and some don't. What are you doing with YOUR stuff? Sometimes death comes early and you don't have time to get rid of it. Would you still be angry at them if they get hit by a bus? Or is that a pass?

You can only control yourself. Why not YOU do better?

I think the OP and most of the people contributing to the discussion realize that hoarding stuff is a PROBLEM and they already have plans or are now decluttering. So they have already passed the first hurdle of getting attached to stuff.

Oh please. I promise - they have not. They just think they are superior to the old people who have dared not to die yet. Their stuff is still junk, and I promise that one day someone who doesn't want to deal with it will have to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and older relatives have some sick joke that if we’re inheriting all their money we have to deal with cleaning and selling.

It is what it is. I think by 85, people should have their homes parsed down and cleared out. Like spare room closets empty, attic empty, basement empty

Really they should just move into their graves - sleep in a coffin, only wear the thing they want to be buried in.

You're right. Wishing my parents didn't have a garage full of broken car parts is the same as wishing they were dead. You're very smart and not at all a tedious POS.

So help them get rid of that stuff now, or figure out who you're going to have to call when the time comes. What do you want them to do? You think your parents are suddenly going to become completely different people, becuase you're planning for their death?

The entitlement on this thread is astonishing.

What the actual F does the above complaint have to do with "entitlement"???? People throw that label on anything they don't like to read on here.

If anything sitting on a pile of crap you don't need and expecting other people to deal with it is entitled. It's also wasteful. All the crap my parents refuse to deal with might have been useful to someone 20 years ago but they can't part with it, so now it's garbage. Fortunately I've learned not to be like them.

Yes, yes, I am 100% entitled to keep my own stuff and do what I want with it while I'm alive, do go on.

And you're entitled to throw out your own stuff and to throw out your parents "garbage" after they pass away, just as you like.

You are entitled to keep your stuff. Your heirs won’t think well of you on that score.

lol they’ll have a multi million dollar inheritance to console them. Plus they can always reflect on how I paid for their educations and took loving care of them when they grew up.

Multiple things can be true. They can appreciate your money, appreciate your love, and be irritated that you were a complete disaster about your physical possessions.

As I said - what a bunch of entitled jerks.

It's going to suck to do this no matter who does it and when.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents and older relatives have some sick joke that if we’re inheriting all their money we have to deal with cleaning and selling.

It is what it is. I think by 85, people should have their homes parsed down and cleared out. Like spare room closets empty, attic empty, basement empty

Really they should just move into their graves - sleep in a coffin, only wear the thing they want to be buried in.

You're right. Wishing my parents didn't have a garage full of broken car parts is the same as wishing they were dead. You're very smart and not at all a tedious POS.

So help them get rid of that stuff now, or figure out who you're going to have to call when the time comes. What do you want them to do? You think your parents are suddenly going to become completely different people, becuase you're planning for their death?

The entitlement on this thread is astonishing.

What the actual F does the above complaint have to do with "entitlement"???? People throw that label on anything they don't like to read on here.

The people who complain about having to clean out the houses are presumably the ones who are inheriting those houses (otherwise, why bother?)

So, yeah, if someone is giving you a few hundred grands, either put in some elbow grease or share some of that bounty with people who don’t mind rolling up their sleeves. Expecting to get a free house just the way you like it the definition of entitlement.

You are welcome.

I have cleared out two houses for parents who suffered medical bankruptcy. I inherited nothing. I did not get a free house - the banks got them. I guess I could have just walked away and left both places full of their stuff, but part of the problem with hoarders is the few things I actually thought were worth keeping were secreted away amongst giant piles of junk. Also I had to go through a vast amount of correspondence to make sure I had everything relevant to their incredibly chaotic financial situations. Lastly, I felt an obligation to "do it right" - throw away what should be thrown away and donate what should be donated.

So eff you to your "you are entitled, you are welcome" bs.

You are not describing the typical situation here. Sounds terrible - but like someone not throwing out their stuff before they die is the least of the issues here.

[Anonymous]

It is certainly ideal for people to declutter throughout the their lives, and in anticipation of their death…I also think those who have not faced old age should be slow to judge.

You have numbered days and less energy as you get old. You may also hope that the younger generation will value family heirlooms and mementos. You may find it isolating and depressing to spend your final days on the planet cleaning out all evidence of your existence. If you have devoted your whole life to others, maybe you want to do something more enjoyable with your waning days or energy.

Not justifying leaving a mess, but just trying to open younger people’s minds to why this may happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No more keeping things in case they ever come in handy.

I think this drives a lot of it. People can imagine uses for things, but they don’t think about what they could do if they needed something they gave away.

To be honest, I really have needed many things I initially would have tossed. Yes, I could have bought another once I realized it, but what an incredible waste of money.

Or you could have borrowed it or found it on Freecycle or Buy Nothing. I mean, not if we're talking about getting rid of a tiara, but for every one thing I need to replace or do without, there are 10 that are providing a benefit to their new owners.

Other people pay organizers hundreds of dollars. I give the hardware store $20 for new Mason jars when I get back into canning after thinking I didn't want to bother any longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Some do and some don't. What are you doing with YOUR stuff? Sometimes death comes early and you don't have time to get rid of it. Would you still be angry at them if they get hit by a bus? Or is that a pass?

You can only control yourself. Why not YOU do better?

I think the OP and most of the people contributing to the discussion realize that hoarding stuff is a PROBLEM and they already have plans or are now decluttering. So they have already passed the first hurdle of getting attached to stuff.

Oh please. I promise - they have not. They just think they are superior to the old people who have dared not to die yet. Their stuff is still junk, and I promise that one day someone who doesn't want to deal with it will have to deal with it.

I'm good with my stuff being junk. I told them to toss everything they don't want out of our already pared belongings. Everything has served a purpose in its time and if that time it over, it's not bad to get rid of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is certainly ideal for people to declutter throughout the their lives, and in anticipation of their death…I also think those who have not faced old age should be slow to judge.

You have numbered days and less energy as you get old. You may also hope that the younger generation will value family heirlooms and mementos. You may find it isolating and depressing to spend your final days on the planet cleaning out all evidence of your existence. If you have devoted your whole life to others, maybe you want to do something more enjoyable with your waning days or energy.

Not justifying leaving a mess, but just trying to open younger people’s minds to why this may happen.

Plus those mementos are often what’s sustaining you through your later years. The people and places are gone, and those old theater programs or what not is your chance to reminisce of what has been. It’s cruel to demand that people vanish without a trace in order to make your life more convenient.