My mother-in-law called me a "sadsack"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

So by this “logic,” what you two are saying is that no strong, beautiful Black woman should ever feel insulted if someone screams the N-word at her. Because after all, that word can only hurt her if that’s the way she feels about herself?

No gay couple should be hurt if someone screeches the “f-word” at them? They would only feel insulted or attacked if they secretly loathe themselves or each other for being gay?

That’s your logic? Really?

That's like saying I said, if your boyfriend said he's gonna kill you just ignore it, that is not what was said. Word of violence are different.

It's actually sad that you can't differentiate a rude comment from a violent comment.

Did OP think her MIL was being violent towards her?

You clearly don’t know the difference between what is LEGALLY DEFINED as distasteful speech vs. hate speech vs. threats. I doubt you are intelligent or self-aware enough to do the research you would need to do to understand those three things, so this is where I leave you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Strange take. It’s not normal to call your dil a sad sack, even if she were one. Whether op is insecure or not doesn’t change the fact it was a nasty comment to make.

It was not a nice comment, I agree. If she's concerned with her sons financial health (which is debatable if its even her business) she should have asked in a different way.

Actually it isn’t debatable. It is NOT her business.

If she's funding part of it it could certainly be.

NP. Wow, reach much? Show me where in the OP that MIL funds any part of their life. Should we assume that because that is your knee-jerk response that Mommy and Daddy or MIL/FIL subsidize your life? Some of us are grown, independent adults who pay for our own houses, vehicles, schools, etc. Just so you know.

NP. it's a good angle. Maybe the In laws gifted the down payment or 529s or vacations or trusts. We don't know either way.

Was there a “keep working” clause on those gifts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Or maybe because it's incredibly rude to insult people that way? Do you actually call family members ugly and fat?

No. But my aunt told me I could use some plastic surgery, she did it and healing was fast. I laughed out loud. My H's eye's popped out of his head. But I never felt hurt becuase... i don't need plastic surgery.

Nobody can hurt you without your permission.

OMG! I'm so glad you laughed in her face. Definitely the way to react to these sort of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

So by this “logic,” what you two are saying is that no strong, beautiful Black woman should ever feel insulted if someone screams the N-word at her. Because after all, that word can only hurt her if that’s the way she feels about herself?

No gay couple should be hurt if someone screeches the “f-word” at them? They would only feel insulted or attacked if they secretly loathe themselves or each other for being gay?

That’s your logic? Really?

That's like saying I said, if your boyfriend said he's gonna kill you just ignore it, that is not what was said. Word of violence are different.

It's actually sad that you can't differentiate a rude comment from a violent comment.

Did OP think her MIL was being violent towards her?

You clearly don’t know the difference between what is LEGALLY DEFINED as distasteful speech vs. hate speech vs. threats. I doubt you are intelligent or self-aware enough to do the research you would need to do to understand those three things, so this is where I leave you.

Sit down Karen, You compared f*g and N-word to "sad sack".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is probably just jealous she has to work until her death because no one would take care of her. It's pure jealousy. Call her out on it.

OP already said she is retired. I don't think she is jealous ....

Yes OP has retired. She won't be going back to full time work ever.

Unclear what industry she was in anyhow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

So by this “logic,” what you two are saying is that no strong, beautiful Black woman should ever feel insulted if someone screams the N-word at her. Because after all, that word can only hurt her if that’s the way she feels about herself?

No gay couple should be hurt if someone screeches the “f-word” at them? They would only feel insulted or attacked if they secretly loathe themselves or each other for being gay?

That’s your logic? Really?

That's like saying I said, if your boyfriend said he's gonna kill you just ignore it, that is not what was said. Word of violence are different.

It's actually sad that you can't differentiate a rude comment from a violent comment.

Did OP think her MIL was being violent towards her?

You clearly don’t know the difference between what is LEGALLY DEFINED as distasteful speech vs. hate speech vs. threats. I doubt you are intelligent or self-aware enough to do the research you would need to do to understand those three things, so this is where I leave you.

Sit down Karen, You compared f*g and N-word to "sad sack".

No I didn’t, dear. The “logic” on the table was that the only way anyone can ever be insulted by anything is if they secretly believe it about themselves. “Logic” fail. Try harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Or maybe because it's incredibly rude to insult people that way? Do you actually call family members ugly and fat?

No. But my aunt told me I could use some plastic surgery, she did it and healing was fast. I laughed out loud. My H's eye's popped out of his head. But I never felt hurt becuase... i don't need plastic surgery.

Nobody can hurt you without your permission.

Sure, but it doesn't mean you should want rude, nasty people around you spouting nonsense.

I didn't say you should surround yourself with people who are nasty, but just like middle school kids you can't always control your surroundings. You can control your reaction to your surroundings.

Who actually expects to receive a ton of support from their MIL anyway? A supportive MIL is a unicorn, they are from a different generation, grew up in a different culture and have different life experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

So by this “logic,” what you two are saying is that no strong, beautiful Black woman should ever feel insulted if someone screams the N-word at her. Because after all, that word can only hurt her if that’s the way she feels about herself?

No gay couple should be hurt if someone screeches the “f-word” at them? They would only feel insulted or attacked if they secretly loathe themselves or each other for being gay?

That’s your logic? Really?

That's like saying I said, if your boyfriend said he's gonna kill you just ignore it, that is not what was said. Word of violence are different.

It's actually sad that you can't differentiate a rude comment from a violent comment.

Did OP think her MIL was being violent towards her?

You clearly don’t know the difference between what is LEGALLY DEFINED as distasteful speech vs. hate speech vs. threats. I doubt you are intelligent or self-aware enough to do the research you would need to do to understand those three things, so this is where I leave you.

Sit down Karen, You compared f*g and N-word to "sad sack".

No I didn’t, dear. The “logic” on the table was that the only way anyone can ever be insulted by anything is if they secretly believe it about themselves. “Logic” fail. Try harder.

You were wrong, you can't admit it. There is nothing logical about your hyperbole in this situation. Google why you should never use a hyperbole in a debate... educate yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - she will probably never say anything like this to you again after you made your feelings known. If she does, have a response ready. For several years, my MIL said things like "I would have been bored out of my mind staying at home like you," and "I always worked because I liked having my own money," and "I tried staying at home and I hated it" and "shouldn't you go back to work, you probably don't even have enough quarters for social security."

All this and she knew her son worked until 10:30 every night and on weekends (he's an attorney).

Finally after one of her comments, I said, "I've never been bored a day in my life, but I guess maybe you were bored because there wasn't as much to do in your day and you really did feel stuck at home unless you were working. I have plenty to do and love being here for my kids and spending time with them." That shut her up - she's never brought it up again.

But just get used to these comments in general. I've had women make all kinds of weird, inappropriate comments about being a SAHM. At this point, I just think to myself "I don't care - have fun working."

I have a similar MIL who will let out a zinger insult every once in awhile. Why did you decorate, no one else did? Why do your kids play a sport, what a waste of time? Why do you take vacations, I haven't so wouldn't pick a place?

The questions would be fine by themselves, but she has to go add a petty opinion at the end. While it's easy to defend my values, traditions and decisions for the family, I've decided she's not worth the effort or energy.

Now I say each and every time: What a fascinating opinion you have.
And then I walk off. (In case she wants a petty sparring debate).

No matter, she's a homebody who never had many life experiences

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

So by this “logic,” what you two are saying is that no strong, beautiful Black woman should ever feel insulted if someone screams the N-word at her. Because after all, that word can only hurt her if that’s the way she feels about herself?

No gay couple should be hurt if someone screeches the “f-word” at them? They would only feel insulted or attacked if they secretly loathe themselves or each other for being gay?

That’s your logic? Really?

If you cannot distinguish hate speech from any other type of speech, I'm sorry, I cannot help you. It must be difficult to live in tje world with such poor logic and nuance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Hi! I'm the OP and feel good about my choice, but not great about someone calling me a sadsack. It was inappropriate and has nothing to do with how I feel about not working.

Do you? Why did you get so defensive then? Why did you stew over it and send an email much later? Why are you still "fuming"?
If you felt secure this would be water off a ducks back. Sorry but your reaction and the way you phrase your OP say otherwise.

I got defensive because I was called a sadsack and it was inappropriate. I would tell my kids not to call other people names. It's impolite.

Your last post reminds me of my Ex who would never talk about the elephant in the room or answer people's questions.
It was partly due to slow processing speed, aspergers, wanting to please everyone, and not wanting to talk about anything except the weather or the news.

His solution was to deflect, escalate and get the other person aggravated by riddles and silence. They'd ask nicely again. They'd point out they needed to stay on task. They ask again. More riddles and deflections. Then by the 7th time the person would say something about the rudeness or neglect or say You're Being an XYZ. Bingo! He got you. THen he'd start an argument about how bad you are and you name-call. All to save him from answering a normal question! He pissed of many people over the years and ruined many relationships doing this.

That’s a whole lot of projection. Usually if someone does not want to share and make it clear the polite thing is to back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Hi! I'm the OP and feel good about my choice, but not great about someone calling me a sadsack. It was inappropriate and has nothing to do with how I feel about not working.

Do you? Why did you get so defensive then? Why did you stew over it and send an email much later? Why are you still "fuming"?
If you felt secure this would be water off a ducks back. Sorry but your reaction and the way you phrase your OP say otherwise.

I got defensive because I was called a sadsack and it was inappropriate. I would tell my kids not to call other people names. It's impolite.

Your last post reminds me of my Ex who would never talk about the elephant in the room or answer people's questions.
It was partly due to slow processing speed, aspergers, wanting to please everyone, and not wanting to talk about anything except the weather or the news.

His solution was to deflect, escalate and get the other person aggravated by riddles and silence. They'd ask nicely again. They'd point out they needed to stay on task. They ask again. More riddles and deflections. Then by the 7th time the person would say something about the rudeness or neglect or say You're Being an XYZ. Bingo! He got you. THen he'd start an argument about how bad you are and you name-call. All to save him from answering a normal question! He pissed of many people over the years and ruined many relationships doing this.

That’s a whole lot of projection. Usually if someone does not want to share and make it clear the polite thing is to back off.

great OP, if not a troll, can confirm just that. that she did not activelly avoid the topic and answering the question about her work plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Or maybe because it's incredibly rude to insult people that way? Do you actually call family members ugly and fat?

No. But my aunt told me I could use some plastic surgery, she did it and healing was fast. I laughed out loud. My H's eye's popped out of his head. But I never felt hurt becuase... i don't need plastic surgery.

Nobody can hurt you without your permission.

Sure, but it doesn't mean you should want rude, nasty people around you spouting nonsense.

I didn't say you should surround yourself with people who are nasty, but just like middle school kids you can't always control your surroundings. You can control your reaction to your surroundings.

Who actually expects to receive a ton of support from their MIL anyway? A supportive MIL is a unicorn, they are from a different generation, grew up in a different culture and have different life experiences.

I don't have a supportive mil, but I also don't have one who insults me to my face. If she did I would not want her around. You can actually control your surroundings to some extent: you would not stay at a job with a boss who is demeaning, stay friends with someone who tries and puts you down...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Hi! I'm the OP and feel good about my choice, but not great about someone calling me a sadsack. It was inappropriate and has nothing to do with how I feel about not working.

Do you? Why did you get so defensive then? Why did you stew over it and send an email much later? Why are you still "fuming"?
If you felt secure this would be water off a ducks back. Sorry but your reaction and the way you phrase your OP say otherwise.

I got defensive because I was called a sadsack and it was inappropriate. I would tell my kids not to call other people names. It's impolite.

Your last post reminds me of my Ex who would never talk about the elephant in the room or answer people's questions.
It was partly due to slow processing speed, aspergers, wanting to please everyone, and not wanting to talk about anything except the weather or the news.

His solution was to deflect, escalate and get the other person aggravated by riddles and silence. They'd ask nicely again. They'd point out they needed to stay on task. They ask again. More riddles and deflections. Then by the 7th time the person would say something about the rudeness or neglect or say You're Being an XYZ. Bingo! He got you. THen he'd start an argument about how bad you are and you name-call. All to save him from answering a normal question! He pissed of many people over the years and ruined many relationships doing this.

That’s a whole lot of projection. Usually if someone does not want to share and make it clear the polite thing is to back off.

great OP, if not a troll, can confirm just that. that she did not activelly avoid the topic and answering the question about her work plans.

She actually is perfectly allowed to avoid the topic. Even if she avoided it after repeated rounds of questioning, it wouldn't justify the insult. This thread is so odd. Nobody is owed personal information about anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Or maybe because it's incredibly rude to insult people that way? Do you actually call family members ugly and fat?

No. But my aunt told me I could use some plastic surgery, she did it and healing was fast. I laughed out loud. My H's eye's popped out of his head. But I never felt hurt becuase... i don't need plastic surgery.

Nobody can hurt you without your permission.

Sure, but it doesn't mean you should want rude, nasty people around you spouting nonsense.

I didn't say you should surround yourself with people who are nasty, but just like middle school kids you can't always control your surroundings. You can control your reaction to your surroundings.

Who actually expects to receive a ton of support from their MIL anyway? A supportive MIL is a unicorn, they are from a different generation, grew up in a different culture and have different life experiences.

I don't have a supportive mil, but I also don't have one who insults me to my face. If she did I would not want her around. You can actually control your surroundings to some extent: you would not stay at a job with a boss who is demeaning, stay friends with someone who tries and puts you down...

Op's MIL said 1 mean thing, once in her whole relationship. but go ahead and be a drama queen about MIL being akin to an abusive boss.