Reply to Our daughter “married well.” Nobody is happy about it

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc? [/quote]

Are you kidding, of course [b]I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up.[/b] It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.[/quote]

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being [i]ecstatically happy right now[/i] means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA[/quote]

[b]I can only take her at her word. [/b]She married well [b]but I am not happy. My husband is not happy.[/b] We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.[/quote]

She called you and said "Mom, I'm unhappy that I married Larlo"?

[b]Your and your husband's happiness[/b] is not what I am asking about here, to be clear. Your and your husband's happiness is not relevant to a discussion of whether the terms of your daughter's life are good or not. [/quote]

She says she is not happy. She is lonely. She misses me too. Her marriage seems to be eroding. Her child is raised by other people. But none of that matters because she married well, her husband married well, and they have nice LinkedIns featuring positions in the best cities with all the right buzzwords and proper career trajectory.[/quote]

Once more, for those who really don't get it:  "Marrying Well" has absolutely nothing to do with the choices your daughter made post-marriage.  How come you can't see that?  [/quote]

The broader point is marry well can include:
- spouse from a great family
- spouse with great credentials
- spouse with great career
- perfectly curated social media

And it often ALSO includes downsides like:
- caught up in a diminishing return rat race
- living far away from family; isolation
- only seeing your parents a couple times a year
- loneliness and depression 
- drinking alone
- non-family paid to raise your kid(s)
- stress
- loss of intimacy
- eroding marriage

I encourage singles and parents reading this who want their kids to marry well to give more mindshare to the unspoken downsides often wedded to marrying well.[/quote]

Not that PP but agree - the downsides are NOT about marrying well!  I don’t even understand how you are putting these things together in any way.  Marrying well has the downside of “loss of intimacy” and “eroding marriage”???  That doesn’t even make any sense.[/quote]

Two married workaholics in high-stress careers, with paid strangers raising the kid, and isolated from extended family may sound blissful to people estranged from their families, but it’s not a recipe for authentic happiness to those who grew up happy and value togetherness.[/quote]

Two people who enjoy their careers, prefer to hire a nanny or use reputable daycares to staying at home, and choose to live where they want, even if it means apart from their parents…can both miss their moms and even enjoy talking to her daily - yet prefer not to make any changes to their lifestyle.

And again, none of this has anything to do with “marrying well.”[/quote]

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